Last update: Friday, April 7, 2017.
Major changes in all 1 rounds.
This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2017 NFL Mock Draft
or 2018 NFL Mock Draft
. Follow @walterfootball
for news and updates.
2017 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
Washington Redskins: Excuses
(By Daniel Snyder, Owner of Redskins)
We have an important decision to make here. A very important one. Wait, what? You think I'm referring to this pick? Ha! Fools! There are greater matters at hand, including how we'll spin the Scot McCloughan story. Everyone is saying we're the bad guys for firing McCloughan, so we have to spin this to make ourselves look better. Quick, Bruce, get Chris Cooley on the phone so we can have him spread more rumors! What should we tell Chris to say? How about Scot McCloughan was part of ISIS!? That works. Or, you know what'll be better? What if we tell people Scot McCloughan was an evil alien who was sent here to probe anuses? That'll get people on our side for sure! Wait, what about this? We can say his grandma died just now even though she died two months ago, and when people start asking questions, we'll tell them she turned into a zombie and Scot McCloughan had to leave the team so that he could put her down for good. Yeah, let's go with that one!
Tennessee Titans: More Jokes
(By Mike Huckabee, Governor of Arkansas)
Breaking news! I have more sausage news to break! I'm like Rachel Maddow, breaking news left and right! Jimmy Dean Sausage Co is no longer renamed GORSUCH SAUSAGE even though he's grinding up some Democrat Senators into PURE PORK SAUSAGE! It'll now be referred to Paul Ryan SAUSAGE after Paul Ryan was grinded up by fellow Republicans for failing to repeal Obamacare! Get it? Because he was grinded up like sausage!? I love to grind up sausage! I... wait... Matt Millen, what are you doing here? You're... you're what? You're going to grind the sausage you're holding into my backside!? Noooooo ahhhhh!!! They're going to have to rename Jimmy Dean Sausage Co into Mike Huckabee Backside Sausage Co because my backside is getting grinded up with sausage, ahhhhh!!!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: More Controversy
(By Jameis Winston, Thrower on Buccaneers)
I'd like to take this time to clarify some statements I made about boys and girls. I said that all young boys stand up and that all ladies should sit down, and that all young boys are strong. This was wrong of me to say. I meant that all boys - both young and old - are strong and need to stand, while all ladies should sit down. Furthermore, my statement about boys not needing to be soft-spoken was taken the wrong way. By soft, I meant like a soft voice; not like a pillow soft. There's a big difference, and I wanted that to be clear. And finally, I said girls need to be silent and gentile, while men are supposed to be strong. This was a mistake as well. Many have inferred that men are supposed to be loud because I said women have to be silent. This is wrong because men can be both strong and silent. You know, the strong, silent type? Anyway, that is all. I wanted to clarify what I said because it was completely taken out of context.
Denver Broncos: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe, opinion-makers on show no one watches)
Woman: Hello, and welcome to a show no one watches. Someone kill me now. First topic, gentlemen: Which player will the Broncos select with the No. 20 pick in the celebrity mock draft?
Skip Bayless: Funny you should mention the Broncos. This is the perfect time to bring up John Elway. John Elway is not a good NFL quarterback. He is maybe the 56th best quarterback in the NFL right now if he came back in his prime. John Elway is like the LeBron James of the NFL. LeBron James is maybe the 56th-best player in the NBA, and all of his championships aren't deserved. He won by a fluke, Shannon!
Woman: OK, we didn't talk about the pick at all. What about you, Shannon?
Shannon Sharpe: GHOIErhgwierogi er goel ketib ohteho it eeteeen ekln othintephij etoignwe fworg is teoihn lernglkrwen glkr nglskdn urwo dangerous obetubog ign oirngl to wrj glaen ajbdkj fdiberg go hweohwe08gh t24ognor nblejnb o43ng alone owenfo weogerngoerg.
Woman: I'm not sure what that means, but I'll take your word for it. Skip, rebuttal?
Skip Bayless: Speaking of rebuttals, I'd like to counter the argument made earlier. Someone said that John Elway is not a good NFL quarterback. This is not true. John Elway is the greatest quarterback of all time. He's No. 1 in my book. You know who's not No. 1? LeBron James. He is now 188th in my NBA player rankings. You know who is 188th all time in my quarterback rankings? John Elway. Whoever said he is first all time is flat-out wrong.
Woman: Interesting. And by interesting, I mean this blade that I will slit my wrists with.
Shannon Sharpe: GOIEIGr wfffe wejgn oergn35og o3ignoierog take rgn e gnlerkh ont4ho i4hp er gk lngorog this! ireoh nho6nph i46j- 943j rwpgirw.
Woman: Goodbye, cruel, cruel world.
Detroit Lions: Mike Williams, WR, Clemson
(By Matt Millen, Stuffer of Kielbasas)
Oh boy, now that I'm finished grinding Mike Huckabee's backside, it's time to make another pick. I'm glad the Lions have chosen me to do this pick because I did a great job in Detroit. Oh no, I wasn't talking about my draft selections. I'll admit they were horrible. What I was referring to was the amount of backsides I penetrated with kielbasas while living in Detroit. I estimate that I penetrated 716,000 or so backsides while living in the Motor City, give or take 1,000. One such individual was Johnnie Morton. He was a 100-percent USDA Man, so I rammed my kielbasas up his backside, but my kielbasa snapped in half - embarrassing, I know - so he didn't want to hang out with me in my hotel room anymore, so that's why I called him the six-letter F-bomb. I apologize sincerely for that.
At any rate, Mike Williams reminds me of Johnnie Morton. I snuck into Williams' house one night when he was sleeping, and I pulled down his trousers. Wow, what a backside! We're talking 566.3-percent USDA Man here! My kielbasa sextant came up with this percentage, and I can show it to you if you don't believe me. But please excuse the smell. I shoved this kielbasa sextant into the backside of one of my young stallions last night.
Miami Dolphins: Colin Kaepernick, QB, Nevada
(By Colin Kaepernick, Sitter of Anthems)
I've gotten a lot of criticism for sitting during the national anthem. Well, I'm not going to do it anymore, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm currently unemployed and have garnered absolutely no interest on the open market. Absolutely nothing. You know what it has something to do with? A new cause I'm taking up. I'm now going to sit during the Pledge of Allegiance to bring awareness to the fact that Jolly Ranchers no longer puts lemon, orange, peach and strawberry flavors into its regular bag of Jolly Ranchers. And I'm going to donate $50,000 to the Human Fund just to show you how serious I am. So, now that that's been addressed... hey Dolphins, or anyone else, please sign me? Pretty please?
New York Giants: McDonald's Bag
(By Odell Beckham Jr., Breaker of Kicking Nets)
I can't believe some people are thinking that Brandon Marshall and I aren't going to get along. This guy, Walters Football thinks that I'm a crazy person and Brandon is a problem in the locker room, but I disagree. He's the one who's crazy! He probably doesn't even think my wife is attractive! Have you seen my wife? She's white and larger than me. She also has lots of holes in her. And her rim is dark blue. She's beautiful, and I love her so much. But you know what? I... I can't help but think about what I saw earlier. Brandon was walking by my wife and shot her a look. And then she looked back at him. The kind of look that two lovers give each other. I... no, no, no, this can't be happening. It can't! We love each other too much! We do! But if something's going on... something must be going on. Damn it! Looks like I'm going to have to sneak into Brandon's house and place a McDonald's bag near the stairs so he trips and falls down the stairs, breaking his neck in the process! Hahahaha! And people say I'm crazy!
Oakland Raiders: Confusion
(By Bernie Sanders, Senator of Vermont)
When I was asked to come on and discuss the pick of the Oakland Raiders, I was very pleased. Although they was some confusion. Walter Football gave me his e-mail and said it was, let me read this right, W-P-C-one-one-two at G-mail.com. I asked Walter, "What is this G-mail you're talking about? Did you mean E-mail?" And he said it's G-mail. And I said, oy vey, first there's E-mail, now there's G-mail, what's next H-mail? What will the "H" even stand for? Maybe Hot Mail! It's real hot, this hot mail. And what does the "G" stand for? Does anyone know what the "G" stands for? "E" stands for electronic, but what is the "G" stand for? Gas? Gas mail? This is all so confusing to an old man. You know what else is confusing? This controversy that I only pay 13 pahcent in taxes. Thirteen is a lot of pahcents! When I eat at Old Country Kitchen, I tip the waitress 10 pahcents! My son even got me this tip calculatah, and I use it to tip the waitress, and then I used it to pay my taxes for the federal government, and I even gave some extra because everyone should pay their fair share.
Houston Texans: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Vladimir Putin, Ruler of Russia)
Everybody saying I hack election. Zis true. I call smart guy on telephone and tell zem hack. Hack election, to please. And zey hack. I no have idea how zey hack, but zey tell me zey hack election. Zis guys do not have Internets because Russia no have vorking Internets, but zey hack election. Now, Donald Trunk president. Zis good. Hillary Clinton no like me like zis Obama a**hole. Obama place sanction on my country. I no know vhat zis mean. Sound no good. I tell Obama, I kill you, but he no listen. And if Hillary Clinton president, I say, I kill you. But no kill Donald Trunk now. If he no listen me, I say I kill you. But he good friend. He best friend! He gonna help me kill all enemy! And I gonna help him vin election 2020. I tell hacker he need vin election 2020. If zey no hack, I tell zem, I kill you. Zhen zey hack. If no hack, zey die.
Seattle Seahawks: Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
(By Mario Migelini, Cheerer of Seahawks)
Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
(By Matt Miller, Breaker of News)
Last year, the Baltimore Ravens took their left tackle of the future with Notre Dame's Ronnie Stanley, and now they are looking for a bookend to go with Stanley after losing starting right tackle Ricky Wagner in free agency to the Detroit Lions. Losing Wanger left a big hole on the right side of their offensive line, and Baltimore hasn't filled it in free agency. In speaking with sources, the Ravens have Alabama's Cam Robinson as their top-rated offensive tackle, and he is one of the players they are considering drafting with their first-round pick.
Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome has a reputation for loving Alabama players, and Robinson fills a big need. Sources say the team graded Robinson ahead of the other top two offensive tackles in Wisconsin's Ryan Ramczyk and Utah's Garett Bolles. There has been some debate about Robinson's future NFL position and how high he should go in the draft. With the Ravens, Robinson would be the long-term right tackle to go with Stanley.
Baltimore has other positions they could consider like cornerback, running back, and wide receiver. All three of those positions are much deeper, and the Ravens could land quality players at those spots on the second day of the draft. Offensive tackle, on the other hand, is one of the weaker positions in the draft, so if the Ravens don't take one in the first round, they could have a hard time finding a player that can step in as a replacement for Wagner. Sources say the Ravens are high on Robinson, and he is a definite contender to be their first-round pick. I currently hve Baltimore selecting Robinson in my updated mock draft.
Dallas Cowboys: Betrayal
(By Brandon Marshall, Receiver on Giants)
The craziest thing happened last night. I went to bed, no big deal, and then when I woke up and went to get some breakfast, there was a McDonald's bag atop the staircase, almost as if someone had planted it there, wishing I would fall and break my neck. Luckily, I have a sixth sense for detecting McDonald's bags. I kid you not. Ever since I slipped on the first one, I can sense any and all McDonald's bags in a 30-yard radius. This is extremely helpful, as sometimes I find abandoned McDonald's bags with stray fries inside, and then I eat them to add plus-two to my defense. At any rate, I went downstairs and made breakfast. Minutes later, this beautiful woman I'm seeing comes downstairs wearing nothing but a button-down shirt of mine and panties. She's very attractive; she's white and tall, and she has a lot of holes. She also has a dark-blue rim. I keep asking if I can ever see her place, but she keeps telling me that we need to have sex at my house. I find that odd, like maybe she's with someone else, but hey, I'm not complaining!
Green Bay Packers: Surprise Assassintation
(By Evil Jim Nantz and Evil Phil Simms, Broadcasters on Evil CBS)
Evil Jim Nantz: Hello friends, and by friends, I mean enemies, welcome to the 2017 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft, where we will be discussing the Packers' draft pick. Phil, I don't care about anything you say, but I have no choice but to ask you what you think the Packers will do with this pick.
Evil Phil Simms: Gee, thanks Evil Jim Nantz. We talked about it, Jim. We talked about it because we didn't want anyone else to know what we were talking about. But we talked about it, Jim. We talked about it.
Evil Jim Nantz: Wow, Phil. I ask you one question, and all you do is mumble about how we talked about stuff. The truth is, people, we didn't talk about anything. You talked, and I sat there wondering how many ways I could kill you as quickly as possible.
Evil Phil Simms: Oh boy, Jim. We talked about how many ways you could kill me Jim, and it's an impressive number, Jim. However, I have a surprise for you, Jim. My terrorist friends and I have talked about it, and we talked about how I'll club you over the head, tie you up in my basement and torture you, Jim. We talked about it, Jim. We talked about it. Looks like the tables have switched, Jim. The tables have switched.
Evil Jim Nantz: The joke is on you, Phil, for those terrorists are my friends, and now they will backstab you. Yes, yes, that is chloroform over your mouth right now, Phil. Good night, friend.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Revenge
(By Evil Mike Tomlin and Desperate Antonio Brown, Members of the Steelers)
Desperate Antonio Brown: Coach! Coach! You can't do this to me, Mike! What will all my friends think if they find out what you recorded me doing!?
Mike Tomlin: How does it feel, Antonio!? How does it feel to have your private moments videotaped!?
Desperate Antonio Brown: But this was in the privacy of my own bathroom! Who goes around videotaping people in the bath tub, especially when they're pleasuring themselves!?
Mike Tomlin: I have this tape, and now everyone will see you in your most embarrassing moment!
Desperate Antonio Brown: Coach! You know how it makes me feel when I think about Flo from the Progressive commercials! I... wait a second... why are your eyes red? And why do you only have a goatee?
Evil Mike Tomlin: Muhahahaha! I am not Mike Tomlin. I am Evil Mike Tomlin from the evil dimension! Not only will I send this video to everyone, but I will also murder your true love!
Desperate Antonio Brown: No! Not Flo from the Progressive commercials!
Evil Mike Tomlin: Indeed. She is as good as gone. Wait, wait, wait, I am mistaken. She is already gone! And I have killed Lily from the AT&T commercials as well! Muahahahaha!
Atlanta Falcons: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By George R.R. Martin, Writer of Unfinished Books)
He felt the warm breeze in his hair, the sand on his knee. He had one leg planted firmly into the ground, his eyes skyward, toward the monstrous man.
"Go," he said. A man of few words. Because a few words were all he knew.
Lord Kaepernick wanted to escape. He wished to run away, to flee from his fate. He knew, however, this was an impossible dream, as his brother worked tirelessly to arrange this match.
"Go," the man said again, snarling in annoyance. Lord Kaepernick could not remove himself from his situation, but he could at least reason with the brute.
"I... I kneel down in pro- protest," Lord Kaepernick stuttered. The man's jaw remained clentched.
"No," he replied.
"But- but we need to create a d- dialogue," Lord Kaepernick replied meekly.
"No," the angry man demanded.
"Can we at least dis- discuss the atrocities happening with-"
"But there won't be a dialogue if-"
Lord Kaepernick's trousers fell to the dirt, and he felt the man's meat inserted into his backside. It was a sensation he never felt before. It was frightening, but yet thrilling at the same time. Lord Kaepernick's protests suddenly felt irrelevant. With each thrust, it became clearer that he would actually have to donate his funds to make a difference.
Miles away, Lord Kaepernick's brother sat by the fire with an old knight.
"With this arranged proposal between Lord Kaepernick and the leader of the 100-Percent USDA Men, we will overtake the NFL in no time."
The knight nodded in agreement, but felt a pang in his heart, for he was in love with Lord Kaepernick as well.
New Orleans Saints: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Rachel Maddow, Breaker of News)
Now that we've returned from our commercial break, it's time to break down the breaking news I'm about to break, so I hope you had a nice break during the commercial break, for here is the breaking news I'm going to break down for you.
With my great monologue and high-paying commercial break now behind us, let's get to the breaking news. Now, camera peons, I'd like for you to zoom in on this picture I received in my mailbox from an anonymous source. Take a look here, yeah, zoom in right there. There it is! Look at this picture, everyone! Look at Deshaun Watson's jersey! He's wearing an orange jersey in college! The jersey is clearly orange! Look at this! It's the same color as orange juice! This is live, breaking news here! Look at this! This is proof that Deshaun Watson does, in fact, wear an orange jersey! Just look at it! Look. At. It. Staggering. Just staggering. Look at this. Great job, everyone. Great job getting this breaking news out there. We've done a great job. Great reporting. Great journalism here tonight. Wow. Outstanding. Wow.
Back to 2017 NFL Celebrity Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
Real 2017 NFL Mock Draft
2021 NFL Mock Draft - March 2
2022 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 24
NFL Power Rankings - Feb. 11
NFL Picks - Feb. 8
Fantasy Football Rankings - Jan. 11
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