2018 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32



Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2018. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2018 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16



  1. Los Angeles Chargers: Olivia Munn, K, Oklahoma
    The Chargers would've made the playoffs last year if they had a better kicker, but give them credit for knowing and taking advantage of an archaic NFL Draft rule. It states:

    If a team would draft a 38-year-old female actress as a kicker, who happened to date a current NFL quarterback, a team from another conference can steal this player if it is drafting exactly three selections later.

    This is an oddly specific rule, but the Chargers will take it.

  2. Seattle Seahawks: Doppel Doll, QB, Wisconsin
    It's safe to say that Seahawks general manager John Schneider is fed up with the offensive line's problems.

    "No matter what we do, we can't fix the line!" Schneider spat. "We bring in a former second-overall pick, he sucks. We trade for Duane Brown, he sucks. Everyone sucks!"

    Conventional wisdom said the Seahawks would take Quenton Nelson, who was surprisingly available. Instead, the Seahawks are going a different route."

    "We're resigned to the fact that Russ is going to get injured at some point," Schneider admitted. "Rather than sink another resource into a terrible blocker, we're just going to prevent the injury to Russ."

    How's that going to happen, exactly? Schneider revealed his plan to the media.

    "If Russ goes down, we're going to use the C. Trigger to stop time, and then we'll replace Russ with the Doppel Doll, and so Russ will be safe," Schneider explained. "Ah s**t, I just realized we don't have a C. Trigger. I guess we'll use our second-round pick on that."

  3. Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo, QB, Eastern Illinois
    What a difference a year makes. Twelve months ago, the Cowboys headed into the offseason, confident that they'd have a great 2018 campaign. Now, there are questions about Dak Prescott amid his struggles. Prescott still has his supporters, but he may have lost his most important one. We were privy to a conversation between Jerry Jones and Tony Romo:

    Jerry Jones: Hi, Tony, th...

    Tony Romo: You're going to thank me for calling you back.

    Jerry Jones: Yes, yes, I wanted to...

    Tony Romo: You're going to ask me to come back to quarterback your team.

    Jerry Jones: Yes, I...

    Tony Romo: I'm going to say no, then, you're going to beg me, then I am going to still say no, then you're going to offer $100 billion to me - money that you retrieved from the buried treasure chests in the Caribbean, I know about those, Mr. Jones - and then I'm still going to say no, then you're going to threaten my family, and I'm still going to say no, then, you're going to allow me to access your private stash of Herr's hot chips, and then I'm going to say yes because I can't turn down a hot chip.

    Jerry Jones: I...

    Tony Romo: You're going to say that you don't know what to say because I already knew what was going to happen, but that's OK, I'm going to return and play in 2018, but then I'm going to get hurt in Week 6, and Dak will come in and win half his games, and we'll miss the playoffs again, but it'll be OK because I'll have my hot chips.

    Jerry Jones: I...

    Tony Romo: You're going to once again say that you don't know what to say, then you're going to thank me and say goodbye, so why don't I save us the trouble and say goodbye for both of us. Goodbye, Mr. Jones, see you at training camp.



  4. Detroit Lions: Josh McDaniels, Coach, John Carroll
    The Lions have fired Matt Patricia.

    "We were impressed with Silent Bob, I mean Matt Patricia, but then that Super Bowl..." general manager Martin Mayhew said.

    The Patriots' struggles in the Super Bowl wasn't the only reason the Lions let go of Patricia.

    "This was my goal all along," Josh McDaniels said as he was being introduced as the new head coach of the Lions. "I didn't want to just dick over the assistants who took jobs in Indianapolis. I wanted to dick over Matt as well."

  5. Cincinnati Bengals: Football
    When Marvin Lewis said he wanted his team to start from scratch this offseason, he wasn't kidding. We took that as meaning releasing several players, or at least making a change at quarterback. Lewis, however, meant it quite literally.

    "You start football from scratch with a football, so that's what we're going to do," Lewis said.

    As for actual players, Lewis isn't there quite yet.

    "Our second-round pick will be used on a goal post, and then our third-rounder will be used on the other goal post," Lewis revealed.

    Hopefully for the Bengals, two goal posts will be available in Rounds 2 and 3.



  6. Buffalo Bills: Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma
    Going into the draft, it didn't seem like the Bills would be able to obtain one of the top quarterbacks in this class, given that they had the 21st and 22nd picks. Yet, here we are, as Baker Mayfield is now going to Buff... Wait a second, we have breaking news. Let's go to Sean McDermott's press conference.

    "I'd like to announce that Baker Mayfield has been benched," McDermott announced. "Nathan Peterman has been more impressive than Baker recently, so we're making that change, and I firmly believe that he will give us a better chance of winning."

  7. Los Angeles Rams: Walter Cherepinsky, P, Penn State
    Wait, was I just drafted by the Rams!? I'm... I'm, well, honored!

    "We're drafting Walter Football just to make a point," general manager Les Snead said. "Walter Football called Jared Goff 'Jared Goof' last year, and look what happened. Walter Football is the true goof, and we're taking him just so we can give him a new nickname. Yes. It's Walter Goofball. Take that, Walter Goofball!"



  8. Carolina Panthers: Bill Belichick's Valet
    It was only a matter of time. The Panthers are finally fed up with Cam Newton's outfits.

    "It's ridiculous," head coach Ron Rivera complained. "The man dresses like he just escaped an insane asylum. One day, he's Mr. Peanut. The next day, he looks like a freaking peacock. It has to stop."

    The Panthers have consequently used their first-round pick on Bill Belichick's valet.

    "Now there's a man who knows how to dress his employer," Rivera beamed. "Have you seen how normal Coach Belichick looks in his cut-off hoodies? The one he was wearing the other day with the Cheeto powder on it was especially classy. We want Cam to dress like that."

  9. Tennessee Titans: Nashville Zoo Animals
    Mike Vrabel is new to Tennessee, but he didn't waste any time criticizing the team's former coaching staff.

    "Look, I'm not one to bash another coach, but I was so confused by what Coach Mularkey was doing," Vrabel said. "He said he wanted to run exotic smashmouth, yet there was nothing exotic about it."

    Vrabel's offense certainly will be exotic. Marcus Mariota will remain the quarterback, but the other 10 players have been replaced by exotic animals from the Nashville Zoo. A giraffe will be the team's new No. 1 receiver, and it'll start across from a cheetah, which will be the team's speed threat. Five silverback gorillas will man the offensive line, while an elephant will start at tight end. The running back, naturally, will be a rhino.

    We're still not sure how this will work. Either the Titans will dominate everyone, or all of the animals will lose interest five minutes into the game and scatter.

    "I'm aware of the downside, but this is a risk I'm willing to take," Vrabel said.



  10. Atlanta Falcons: Path to Exile, W, Conflux
    We were confused when the Falcons announced that they wouldn't fire Steve Sarkisian. The beleaguered offensive coordinator ruined Atlanta's 2017 campaign, so how could the team not upgrade him? Apparently, we were reading the situation incorrectly.

    "For one white mana, we will exile Steve Sarkisian," head coach Dan Quinn said. "Had we fired him, he could've returned through reanimation tactics of some sort, so we need to get rid of him permanently. Plus, we get a basic land out of the deal, so that's cool."

    (If you're interested in this topic, check out the app Top Decked, created by my friend Lincoln.)

  11. New Orleans Saints: Medication
    If you're a Saints fan and have had trouble getting over the Stefon Diggs play, you're not alone. In fact, you probably don't have it as bad as Sean Payton.

    The public hasn't known this, so we're the first to report it. Payton has been hospitalized in a mental institution, as he has lost it since that play.

    "Marcus ... Williams ... just ... tackle ... TACKLE!!! TAAACCCKKLLLELEEE!!!" Payton yelled, jumping at us before being restrained by the hospital guards.

    Fortunately, the Saints were able to obtain Medication with the 27th-overall pick, so Payton will be at full mental strength by mini-camp.

  12. Pittsburgh Steelers: Todd Haley Picture
    Ben Roethlisberger mulled retirement last offseason. Then, he came back. Then, he said he was done. Then, he kept playing. Then, he said he has three more years remaining.

    It's clear that Roethlisberger can't make up his mind, and that was apparent in his latest interview with NFL Network's Jane Slater.

    "So, Ben, how is your bulging disc, I mean retirement thought process going?" Slater asked.

    "I'm going to play three more years, no, wait, I'm going to retire, no wait, I'm going to retire in seven years, no wait, I'm going to retire yesterday," Roethlisberger mumbled.

    Head coach Mike Tomlin had enough.

    "I took a picture of Todd Haley when he was in the shower, framed it, and placed it in Ben's house," Tomlin revealed. "Now, if he spends too much time at home, he'll see it, and he'll want to leave, so he'll keep playing with us."

  13. Jacksonville Jaguars: One Healthy Wrist
    Blake Bortles is a genius. By faking, I mean, suffering a wrist injury, he wouldn't pass his physical in the offseason and thus would be owed money for 2018. And he almost got away with it.

    "We're not taking a player to help us win," Tom Coughlin told an empty press-conference room because he began talking five minutes prior to all the reporters arriving. "We're taking a healthy wrist to help us get rid of a player."

    Bortles played well at times in 2017, but is still too much of a liability. That won't be the case anymore, as the Jaguars will be able to do what they should've done prior to 2017 and cut Bortles.

  14. Philadelphia Eagles: Bradley Chubb, DE, N.C. State
    TRADE!!!

    The Vikings have dealt yet another first-round pick to the Eagles, this time for Nick Foles.

    "We're going to keep trading for Eagles backup quarterbacks until we get it right," said Vikings general manager Rick Spielman. "I don't care if we do it two times, five times, or 25 times, we will trade our first-round picks for Eagles backup quarterbacks until we find ourselves a winner!"

  15. New England Patriots: More Fake News
    As we all suspected, the story about the Patriots not getting along was fake news. The Patriots admitted as much, as they revealed that they used this as motivation. Unfortunately for them, it wasn't enough.

    "We're going to turn things up a notch," owner Robert Kraft said while clutching an Arby's sandwich.

    Minutes later, ESPN the Magazine announced that it had breaking news.

    "The Patriots have yet another scandal," writer Seth Wickersham wrote. "This time, it involves the trafficking of rhino prostitutes. And I'm not referring to overweight women when I write 'rhinos.' I mean the actual animal rhinos. Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are all profiting from this, and they need to be stopped. Also, here's some more breaking news: Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are all Russian spies whose goal is to infiltrate the NFL and tamper with the relocation of franchises. We, here at ESPN the Magazine, are breaking that the Rams moving to Los Angeles, Chargers moving to Los Angeles, and the Raiders moving to Las Vegas, are all ploys by Russian president Vladimir Putin, who may or may not be the financial supplier of the rhino prostitute trade."

  16. Philadelphia Eagles: Neuralyzer
    The Eagles have a great team, but Doug Pederson is worried about complancey.

    "I'm wondering how we're going to keep our guys motivated," Pederson said. "I think I may have found the answer.

    Pederson used this draft pick on a Neuralyzer, the "memory eraser" from the Men in Black movies. He plans on using this on all of his players so they forget that they won the Super Bowl, making them hungry to win another one.

    There have been reports that Pederson actually plans on using this on the entire city of Philadelphia, so everyone here in the City of Brotherly Love is on edge for another championship as well.

    It seems... wait, what's the bright lig...

    Hmm... I wonder if I should bet heavily on the Eagles to win the Super Bowl this year. They've never done it, though...



  17. Real 2018 NFL Mock Draft


    Back to 2018 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16



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