2013: Emmitt on the Brink – Week 21

2013: Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2013 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!

NO SUPER BOWL FOR PATS

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2014

In a move that has Patriot fans up in arms, Roger Goodell has decided to cancel the Super Bowl. Even worse, Goodell has decided to replace that game with a dozen other contests at varying locations across the country.

“I recently befriended these guys,” Goodell stated while admiring himself in the mirror. “One is the commissioner of the Big XII. The other is the president of Penn State. They’re both very ugly, sleazy, greedy men, but they’re my friends now. They convinced me that the NFL can make more money by having about a dozen meaningless practice games instead of just one Super Bowl.

“Imagine the possibilities,” Goodell continued. “I put up a platinum statue of myself at every NFL stadium. With this increased revenue, I’ll be able to erect more statues across the United States. My goal is to have one outside of each American home by the year 2020.”

Instead of playing the Panthers-Eagles winner in the Super Bowl, New England will travel to Camden, New Jersey, to play the St. Louis Rams in the Cialis Four-Hour Hard-On Bowl.

The Rams, just 8-8 on the year, didn’t even qualify for the postseason. Goodell addressed that concern.

“My Penn State President friend, who has a very hideous gray toupee, informed me that this a non-issue,” Goodell smirked. “Sure, the Rams were two games out of a playoff spot, but in college football, .500 teams get to play in bowl games all the time! The college presidents hoard in tons of money with this system, and I just want a piece of the pie. Who cares what the fans think!? Screw the fans! I’m trying to feed my family here!”

Emmitt expressed his displeasure with Goodell’s decision.

“We have a chance to go to the Super Bowl, but Roger Goodman take it away from us,” Emmitt said. “We losted our chance to win the Doggone Playoff. Now we have to win the Hard Bowls and try to get motivationals to do so. These will be very difficult.”

Rams head coach Terry Bradshaw, meanwhile, was just as upset about the situation.

“Hey! I was drinkin’ my daily bottle of Jack Daniels when I got a phone call from the owner. Hic!” Bradshaw yelled incoherently. “Coachin’ another game… hic… was not part of the deal. It is takin’ away from my drinkin time! This reminds me of a joke. Hic! An American, a Japanese man and a Polish person walked into a bar. The American asked for some vodka. The Russian guy said, ‘Hey that’s my drink!’ and they started fightin. Then, the German guy bought me some beer and Terry was happy again. All right! Terry made a funny!”

Though Bradshaw may be drunk out of his mind, history has proven that the former FOX analyst performs best when loaded. In addition to motivating his players for this meaningless game, Emmitt will also have to out-smart Bradshaw and his barrage of nonsensical jokes.

PATRIOTS VOTED NFL RUNNER-UP AMID CONTROVERSY

By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Feb. 3, 2014

It wasn’t the trophy Patriot fans were hoping for when their team beat the Raiders in the AFC Championship two weeks ago, but the entire New England roster seemed thrilled when Emmitt held up the Cialis Hard-On 10-inch trophy and exclaimed, “We all have… has… uhh… get our hard on on at the Hard-On Bowls!”

Despite not having its starting quarterback at the helm, New England won a thrilling game over the Rams, 27-24. Of course it helped that St. Louis head coach Terry Bradshaw was missing as well.

Midway through the third quarter, an NBC camera spotted Bradshaw and Anthony Morelli in the stands, apparently cheering for both teams. When questioned afterward, Morelli forgot the Patriots were playing this game. Bradshaw, meanwhile, planned to remove Morelli from the contest by distracting him with alcohol. Unfortunately for the former FOX analyst, his plan backfired because the Patriots’ backup, Kevin O’Connell, actually showed up to the game sober.

Despite the win, Emmitt fumed afterward.

“It is tough to explain what I am feelings right now,” Emmitt said. “On one hand, I am very happy that we won this game. On the other hands, I am very madness that Anthony Morelli missed this game. Morelli have a golden brick for a brain according to WalterFootball.coms. He have not used his gold in the head today.”

Unfortunately, Patriot fans received bad news the following morning. Despite the fact that New England was the only team in the NFL to win all of its playoff games, Associated Press and ESPN voters put the Patriots second in their polls. The Raiders, thanks to a 63-0 victory over the Chiefs in the Deion Sanders Shameless Self-Promotion Bowl, were crowned NFL champions by being voted No. 1.

“Hey, the Patriots are a good team, but the Raiders won 63-0 behind nine Glandor touchdowns,” said one of many ignorant, moronic AP voters. “I’m aware that the Patriots beat the Raiders two weeks ago, but I think the 63-0 score means more than something decided on the field. To be honest, I didn’t even watch either game, but 63-0… Wow! That speaks volumes!”

Emmitt angrily responded to that comment.

“First, they take away our chances to go to the Super Bowl. Two, they do not let us win the Doggone Playoff. And threely, a team we debacled get voted ahead of ours,” Emmitt declared, pounding his fist on the podium. “We will have revengeance next year and no one will forget the great story of the 2013 New Zealand Patriots!”

That may have been the most profound thing Emmitt has said all year.