Emmitt on the Brink – Season 4: Week 12

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

SUH INJURES MORE PEOPLE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 21, 2016

Ndamukong Suh has developed a bad reputation over the years. It started in his rookie campaign when he ripped quarterbacks’ helmets off. The Thanksgiving game the following year where he kicked a Packer lineman was pretty bad. And who could forget the incident in 2015 when Suh attempted to chew on the lifeless limbs of Washington’s quadriplegic quarterback?

Well, nothing Suh has ever done in his career comes even close to what transpired Sunday night.

The Lions were destroying the Patriots. Of course, New England has been a complete mess since JaMarcus Russell took over for the injured Tom Brady at the quarterback position. They’ve lost every game since this has happened – and their closest matchup was a 38-point defeat.

“Haha uhh… number on right side bigger on number on left side on score haha, do ya tink so?” Russell said/asked recently.

Detroit was up on New England, 73-0, in the fourth quarter. That’s when the madness started.

After a routine tackle, Suh stormed off the field toward the Patriot sideline. He whipped a knife out of his pocket and stabbed New England head coach Jim Tressel in the stomach. Before anyone knew what was going on, Suh tossed a ninja star at left tackle Russell Okung’s chest. Suh then whipped a gun out of his pants and shot backup quarterback Curtis Painter in the elbow.

The kicker is that Suh wasn’t even whistled for a personal-foul penalty. Official Walt Coleman explained:

“Personal foul penalty… on the… offense… five men were in motion… that’s a 5-yard penalty… on the offense… somethin’ happened… that’s a 5-yard penalty… sixth down…”

Suh was bombarded with questions from angry reporters during the post-game press conference. He calmly explained what happened.

“You guys are making it sound like I did something dirty, but I did not,” Suh protested. “If I really wanted to hurt the Patriots, why would I stab their head coach and shoot their backup quarterback in the elbow? If I really wanted to hurt the Patriots, I would have sacked their quarterback. I also would have destroyed JaMarcus Russell’s flowerbed and placed a pile of flaming dog poop on Robert Kraft’s doorstep. But the stabbing, throwing and shooting were mere accidents.”

We have yet to receive word from the commissioner’s office, but Suh is expected to be suspended for four games. Perhaps that will teach him a lesson.

Tressel and Okung at least are OK. The same can’t be said for Painter, unfortunately. Painter was placed on life support at the local hospital. He was able to issue a statement before the anesthesia took control.

“My arm… so weak already… now even weaker… and more inaccurate… I can’t… even complete… a 1-yard pass… anymore…” Painter said, gasping for air. “If I die… please… store my beautiful… golden hair… in a museum… it is so beautiful… my locks… so bright… and gold… so precious… my hair… so precious…”

One can’t help but feel sorry for Painter. Let’s hope that Suh is brought to justice with a well-deserved four-game suspension.