Emmitt on the Brink – Season 8: Week 8

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt tasked to find Kim Jong-Jongson

ENTERING THE NORTH KOREA NUCLEAR FACILITY

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, July 19, 2019

Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini wasted no time driving over to the North Korea Nuclear Facility. They expected to encounter a swarm of guards, but to their surprise, no one was patrolling the perimeter.

“Something’s fishy,” Russini said, with Rice nodding in agreement. Emmitt, however, seemed confused.

“I do not see any fishies!” Emmitt shouted, with the other two hushing him to keep him quiet. Emmitt lowered his voice. “I’m a li-bit hungry and can go for some fishies right now.”

Rice and Russini ignored Emmitt and cautiously proceeded toward the gate. Russini tried the key, and it fit perfectly. The door opened easily, and once again, the three individuals were astonished at how convenient all of this was.

“Something’s wrong…” Rice said warily, but the group had no choice but to proceed.

The three of them followed a long, winding hallway with no doors or anything else on the cement walls. They made three left turns, and as soon as it seemed as though they were about to come back to where they started, they encountered a navy-blue door.

“What now?” Rice asked.

As soon as he finished asking his question, Kim Jong-un’s voice echoed through the hallway.

“He caught us!” Russini exclaimed, but the three of them couldn’t figure out where the voice was coming from until they saw a speaker located next to the door.

“Wercome to North Kora Nucrear Facirity!” the voice greeted them. “To get to nucrear reactor, you have to pass three triars. First triar begin now. If you fair, you wirr die horribre death!”

A hologram appeared on the door. On it was a question, “Who is the best reader is North Korea history?” with the following responses beneath it: “A. Count Chocura, my favorite cerear. B. The guy who used to beat me up in schoor and I hate him so I have him kirr! C. Kim Jong-un. D. Kim Jong-ir, stupid father.”

Emmitt reached for the “A” selection, but Rice grabbed his arm right as he was about to touch it.

“Count Chocula isn’t real, Emmitt!” Rice shouted.

“I know this of course,” Emmitt replied, coolly. “But Kimberly Jong-un a crazy man and when we were in his office, I looked at the wall and he had a poster of Count Chocolate on his wall wearing a crown on his face.”

“But Emmitt,” Russini replied. “Count Chocula never ruled over North Korea. I know of Kimberly’s fondness of Count Chocula, but to say that Count Chocula is a better ruler than him… it doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, if it do not make sense, it better make dollar,” Emmitt answered, touching the “A” key before they could stop him again. Rice and Russini cowered in fear, but it was all for naught.

“Congraturations, you pass first triar!” Kim Jong-un’s voice commended them. “I armost greatest rurer in North Korea history, onry second to Count Chocura, who greatest man ever to rive! He much better than my stupid dad who never ret me pray with My Rittle Pony, so I kirr him in his sreep! Hahahahaha!”

The voice continued to laugh for several minutes. Emmitt, Rice and Russini stood impatiently as they waited for it to finish.

“OK, now that I have good raugh, I now open door,” the voice said. “Now, onry two more triar to go!”

And just like that, the blue door opened quickly, revealing another long, winding hallway.

“Two more of these things?” Russini asked. “I’d almost rather deal with guards.”