Emmitt on the Brink – Season 12: Week 8

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

PATRIOTS AIM TO AVOID TRAP GAME

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2020

When the Patriots began the year with an 0-6-1 record, no one expected them to even come close to contending for the playoffs. However, the team is now on the precipice of playing in January. In fact, all New England needs to do is defeat the Dolphins.

Beating another NFL team is normally easier said than done. However, the Dolphins have collapsed ever since they defeated the Patriots by the score of 77-0 on Oct. 25.

“The team have gone in opposide direction,” owner and general manager Emmitt told the media in the mid-week press conference. “And as my grand greatfather once tolded me, when you come to a path where you can take opposide direction, you gotta fork it.”

We’re not sure if Emmitt is accurate with that saying, or if his “grand greatfather” really said it, but he’s correct in spirit. The Dolphins have lost every single game since that 77-0 victory. In fact, former head coach Adam Gase has accused them of tanking.

“I printed out the e-mails about them tanking before they fired me,” Gase revealed. “Here they are. Here they are for all of you to see. In other news, my neighbor Lauren is sleeping with the pool boy, Troy. Don’t believe me? I printed out their e-mails for you to see. Here they are. Do you see it? Do you see now that they are all sleeping together?”

It’s unclear how Gase is able to gain access into other people’s e-mail accounts, but we were inclined to believe him about the Dolphins, even before the team itself declared that it was, in fact, losing on purpose.

“Last year, we tanked for Tua Tagovailoa, and that didn’t work out,” head coach Brian Flores said. “Tua has been OK in practice, but not good enough to unseat either Jameis Winston or Josh Rosen, so we’ll need to tank again for Trevor Lawrence.”

Flores prepared for the media to ask him another question. Instead, a journalist yelled at him for not speaking in Spanish. This really happened.

Meanwhile, Emmitt was asked what he would do about the Dolphins intentionally tanking, given his role as the commissioner. This could have been a conflict of interest for Emmitt, given that he’s both the NFL commissioner and the Patriots’ owner and general manager, but he brushed it off.

“Our team real good,” Emmitt said. “If the Dolphin think they can bring tank to the stadium and try to shoot our player with tank cannon ball, we gonna be prepare for this.”

A reporter at the press conference then tried telling Emmitt what the definition of tanking is. “It’s when you lose on purpose,” he said.

“I do not understand what problem is,” Emmitt said, looking confused. “If they gonna losted the tank, then that meant they not gonna be able to found it, and if they not gonna found it, then we not gonna have to worry about getting blast by tank cannon ball.”

It sounds like the Patriots are prepared for the Dolphins. It appears as though they won’t be overlooking them, given that they’re ready to defend themselves against tank cannon balls.