Emmitt on the Brink – Season 12: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

THE TRUE ENEMY IS REVEALED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Jan. 21, 2021

The White Russians had quickly been vanquished during the battle that is being dubbed “The Long Fight.” It was anything but long, however, as there was plenty of buildup for something that was over in just about an hour and 15 minutes.

One would think this battle would be panned by the media, but the opposite was true. Instead, news anchors and newspapers gushed about how powerful it was to see Emma Smith III get to kill White Russian Czar Thornin Yourside.

“Sure, she had no emotional connection to Thornin Yourside, and she never even saw him before, but all that really matters is that a woman was able to accomplish something wonderful,” wrote some journalist who tries very hard to tell everyone how great of a person he is.

Speaking of the media, news anchors Rochelle Meadows and Dominick Lime had been quite busy during the Long Fight. They pooled resources to hire the Golden Compass, a highly respected mercenary group that utilizes elephants in combat. Some thought it might have been a coincidence that geese are no match for elephants until Meadows and Lime appeared on TV at the same time.

“We’ve usurped the NFL commissionership,” Meadows said. “Now, I am not just the queen of news; but also the queen of the NFL.”

“And now I can fulfill my dream of having sexual relations with a woman who is queen of both the news and the NFL,” Lime said. “Granted, I am a gay man, but my aspirations trump that. Not to mention, her short, boyish hair really turns me on.”

“Your days or colluding with the Russians is over, Emmitt,” Meadows said. “And if you try anything, we will kill your precious secretary translator, Melissa Stark. That’s right – we’ve kidnapped Melissa Stark! Now, without her, your paperwork won’t be filed, and you won’t be able to communicate with anyone!”

It was completely shocking to see Meadows and Lime emerge as Emmitt’s true rivals, especially after Thornin Yourside was built up for so long. And what was Emmitt going to do without Melissa Stark!?

“Beep, I’m sad that Melissa Stark is gone, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said.

“Maybe you should write a letter to all remaining 30 teams to tell them Melissa Stark was captured,” said advisor Darren Sproles. “I’m not sure why they would care because she’s a relatively insignificant character pertaining to the story arc, but the audience cares about her, so it’ll carry a certain weight. It couldn’t hurt, right?”

Emmitt did as recommended by the cleverest man in the seven continents, penning a letter about Melissa Stark being captured to all 29 teams still remaining in the league, besides his own.

“It says right here that NFL Commissioner Emmitt has been usurped and Melissa Stark was captured,” said Vikings owner Zygi Wilf after receiving a letter from a Baltimore Raven. “Who the hell is Melissa Stark?”

Emmitt’s decision to send a letter to 29 teams had repercussions, unfortunately. The following morning, a Baltimore Raven delivered a large box to the NFL headquarters. Emmitt opened the package and found Melissa Stark’s head inside.

“Beep, noooooo, beep!” Goodell Bot 2.0 cried.

“Oh no, looks like my plan backfired,” Sproles said. “But this was a rare mistake, for I am the cleverest man in the seven continents.”

“Beep, looks like I’m going to take the ashes of Melissa Stark’s head to the Jersey Shore, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said.

“You better be careful,” Sproles warned. “The Jersey Shore is dangerous, for there are Jersey people there who will yell at you and try to sell you overpriced t-shirts.”

While Sproles and Goodell Bot 2.0 were chatting, Emmitt found a note inside the box. He struggled to read it; not because the handwriting was bad, but because he was not good at reading.

“Former Commissioner Emmitt, you had been warned. Here is punishment for taking actions. Further actions will create more misfortune for you. Sincerely, Rochelle Meadows and Dominick Lime, Queen and Kings of the news and the NFL.”

Emmitt clenched his fists. He was not going to take this anymore. It was time to strike back, despite the warnings. Sproles was quick to notice Emmitt’s angry expression. He was very clever, after all.

“Emmitt, it looks like you’re plotting revenge,” Sproles said. “But whatever you do, don’t harm innocent people. They didn’t do anything. Focus your attention on Rochelle Meadows, Dominick Lime and the Golden Compass.”

Emmitt stormed off without saying a word.