Philadelphia 76ers: Markelle Fultz, PG, Washington, 6-4, Fr.
I must note that this is not this Web site's real mock draft. Click here for the real 2017 NBA Mock Draft with some great analysis and breakdowns from David Kay. This is a fake 2017 NBA Mock Draft, or rather my attempt on a lighter version of an NBA mock with some horrible attempts at humor included.
That said, I'd like to toot my own horn here because I had the 76ers selecting Markelle Fultz in my original NBA mock. Granted, this was at No. 3 overall, but my reasoning was that the Celtics were not going to pick Fultz because of Isaiah Thomas. Josh Jackson was the likely choice, which makes Boston's decision to move down a very smart one. In fact, the Celtics were the clear winners in the Sixers-Celtics Markelle Fultz Trade Grades.
Los Angeles Lakers: Lonzo Ball, PG, UCLA, 6-6, Fr.
Lonzo Ball has to be the pick here, right? That's what everyone has speculated all along, and unlike the Celtics-Markelle Fultz projection, this one makes a lot more sense to me.
I think LaVar Ball - Lonzo's dad, in case you've been living under a rock - gets a bad rap. At least he cares about his kids, you know? He could be some dead-beat a**hole who just magically appeared into his son's life because he senses a pay day. Well, LaVar still senses a pay day, but at least he's been there the entire time.
Speaking of which, I have no idea what he's thinking with these $495 shoes. I don't think I've paid $495 for my shoes over my entire lifetime. The sneakers I currently wear were gifted to me when I bought my house in 2010. That's right - I've been wearing the same shoes for seven years, and I couldn't be happier with my footwear situation.
I think LaVar would look at my comments and declare that I'm not a baller. That's right. I'm not a baller. I'm some fat dude who writes about sports. I'm the complete opposite of a baller, whatever the hell that might be.
Boston Celtics: Jayson Tatum, SF, Duke, 6-8, Fr.
Boom, Danny Ainge wins the draft. He just acquired the player he was going to select at No. 1 overall, all while obtaining a high first-round pick. I may not be a baller, but Ainge certainly is.
Speaking of trades, I don't think it's right that the Celtics were able to deal with the Nets. When a smart team tries to take advantage of a dumb organization, the NBA commissioner should step in and stop it from happening. It reminds me of some fat, 50-year-old dude who goes to a local gaming store and trades cheap cards to kids for far more expensive collectibles. It's just not a good situation for anyone except for the fat, 50-year-old a**hole.
Update: I'm swapping Josh Jackson and Jayson Tatum in my mock draft, as Jackson has refused to work out for the Celtics. Jackson is pulling a Ryan Leaf, sabotaging his draft stock intentionally so he could play for a team in a warmer climate. Good luck with that strategy, Josh.
Phoenix Suns: Josh Jackson, SF, Kansas, 6-8, Fr.
I thought that the Suns were going to win the lottery for sure when it was announced that their representitive brought someone from the Make a Wish foundation with him. Then, I remembered that the NBA hates the Suns. If David Stern and Adam Silver could nuke the Suns and get away with it, they would do it.
I had De'Aaron Fox here last time, but Fox went and canceled his workout with the Suns, which was a stupid thing to do. Why wouldn't he want to play in Phoenix? The weather is nice, there are hot girls at Arizona State, and the night life is great. You can do cool things at night like take a drive to the Grand Canyon, or something.
Update: I'm swapping Ryan Leaf, I mean, Josh Jackson and Jayson Tatum in my mock draft, as stated above.
Sacramento Kings: De'Aaron Fox, PG, Kentucky 6-3, Fr.
Speaking of teams the NBA hates, it was funny that the Kings had a 0.0% chance of winning the No. 1 overall pick. It was David Stern's wet dream to eliminate the Kings and Suns from his league, and it appears as though Adam Silver shares similar aspirations.
Here, De'Aaron Fox pays the price for his decision to skip the workout with the Suns. Having to go to Sacramento instead of Phoenix is like some guy looking to score missing out on the Playboy party and attending a Jenny Craig meeting instead.
Orlando Magic: Jonathan Isaac, F, Florida State, 6-9, Fr.
The Magic will be wearing Disney logos on their jerseys for the next three years. This pissed me off for about five seconds, but then I realized that I didn't care. Now, if you ask me how I feel about it, my answer is "meh."
Minnesota Timberwolves: Lauri Markkanen, PF, Arizona, 7-0, Fr.
I'm sorry, but I don't like Lauri. She slept around with Rick's best friend and then got super skinny and annoying, and then, when she died, Rick lost his mind. Can you name one positive thing she contributed?
New York Knicks: Frank Ntilikina, PG, Belgium, 6-5, 1998.
The Knicks reportedly love Frank Ntilikina so much that they've been babysitting him in France. I talked about Disney earlier; perhaps the company will be inspired to make a movie about this where Ntilikina, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are being babysat, but they get into some crazy capers where they elude the babysitter and go out for an adventure.
By the way, it's not a surprise that Phil Jackson is screwing up the Knicks. Who thought he could be a good general manager? You could have the best accountant in the world, but you wouldn't ask them to be your dentist. Jackson is a head coach who has proven that he can win championships as long as he's coaching multiple Hall of Famers.
Dallas Mavericks: Dennis Smith Jr., PG, N.C. State, 6-3, Fr.
I'm wondering if Dennis Smith Jr. is related to Dennis Smith Sr. Could be, but what we do actually know is that he won't be playing with Dirk Nowitzki for very long, for Nowitzki is nearly as old as my shoes. Actually, the prospect of Nowitzki retiring soon makes me sad because I know I'll have to replace my shoes at some point.
Sacramento Kings: Harry Giles, PF, Duke, 6-10, Fr.
It's sad that the Pelicans don't have a pick here, as they need all the help they can get to finally become the playoff team people have thought they'd become for a decade now. The Kings could maybe use a big man of their own, though I'm not quite sure.
Charlotte Hornets: Luke Kennard, SG, Duke, 6-6, Soph.
The Hornets are contractually obligated to select the best white player available, so Luke Kennard seems like he would fill that need.
Detroit Pistons: Malik Monk, SG, Kentucky, 6-4, Fr.
I like that the Pistons are going with a brand new logo. It's very fancy, and no one has ever seen anything like it before. I hope the marketing people who came up with that logo were paid millons, nay, billions of dollars.
Denver Nuggets: Zach Collins, C, Gonzaga, 7-0, Fr.
Zach Collins seems like he'd be a great fit for the Bucks, I mean Nuggets, because, well, he just does, OK? Did I mention that there's a real 2017 NBA Mock Draft?
Miami Heat: Donovan Mitchell, G, Louisville, 6-3, Soph.
You know you're getting old when you're about to write that a certain player is old - Dwyane Wade in this case - and then you realize that this player was born the same exact year you were! Good grief, where has the time gone? Anyway, here's a replacement for Wade as I ponder where the hell my life has gone.
Portland Trail Blazers: OG Anunoby, SF, Indiana, 6-8, Soph.
Portland, according to my cousin who just moved there, is home to one too many wussies. This city needs Original Gangster to get tougher.
Go to 2017 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.