32.Detroit Lions (0-13) - Previously: #32 - While Chris Berman and Tom Jackson are openly rooting for the Lions to win their first game, I'll admit that I'm hoping that they finish 0-16.
Now, don't get me wrong - I believe Detroit fans deserve a winner. But I also think that owner William Clay Ford needs to be embarrassed. He has proven time and again that he doesn't care about the people who cheer on his team. Case in point: Matt Millen not being fired until the owner's son said something about it. William Clay Darth Sidious Ford kept Millen around because he was a good friend, completely ignoring all the crappy picks and signings the inept GM made over the years.
Also, I'd be remiss if I'm still angry about the blown 17-0 lead that debacled my November NFL Pick of the Month. I still have nightmares about that. I can't sleep. I really need therapy.
31.Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) - Previously: #31 - Mike Brown, William Clay Ford, Al Davis... what do these guys have in common? They're terrible owners and their teams all suck. That's not a coincidence.
Speaking of Undead Al, I think this quote pretty much epitomizes Oakland's season. Cris Collinsworth said the following during the Oakland-San Diego game on Thursday night:
"There was a belief that Javon Walker would come in and strengthen the offense."
That belief came from Al Davis, who also sacrifices young virgins and thinks that a pint of goat blood a day keeps the doctor away.
30.St. Louis Rams (2-11) - Previously: #30 - A funny exchange between Jim Haslett and bust corner Tye Hill:
Haslett: "I don't know what the time frame is on him. It's been a long time already."
Hill: "What can you say? At least I can say I made it to the league."
Yeah, good job, Tye! We're all thrilled that you made the NFL despite being a top 15 NFL Draft pick. What an achievement!
29.Seattle Seahawks (2-11) - Previously: #29 - Vegas should send The Backdoor Bandit a large check after this season. Seneca Wallace has single-handedly screwed so many bettors, myself included. The backdoor cover at Tampa Bay. The backdoor cover at Miami. The inexplicable three touchdowns against the Patriots, who were coming off a loss.
Forget Michael Vick, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. I would like to nominate The Backdoor Bandit as the most hated man in the NFL. Anyone who has wagered against Seattle recently would agree with me.
28.Oakland Raiders (3-10) - Previously: #27 - JaMarcus Russell looks like a bust. I know that's not fair to say because he has no receivers or talented offensive linemen to work with, but still...
So, what can Russell do to prevent himself from emerging as the next great bust? Time for oddities!
EVEN - Drink a pint of goat blood every day like Al Davis does. Goat blood apparently makes you live forever. Russell will have a million years to emerge as an NFL quarterback.
2:1 - Take over for Undead Al as the franchise's GM and NFL Draft scout.
3:1 - Hire Gosder Cherilus and Moran Norris to beat up the other team's defensive players the night before each game.
8:1 - Ask Undead Al to turn him into a vampire. It's widely known that vampires have superior strength, speed and pocket awareness.
27.Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) - Previously: #25 - Nothing positive to say about the Jaguars, so let's use this space for my exclusive interview with Jack Del Rio!
ME: Jack, thanks for joining me. I want to let you know that I respect you as a coach, despite what your team is going through this season.
DEL RIO: "Thanks, Walt. I really appreciate it."
ME: Whoa... something just hit me. I feel...
DEL RIO: "What? What is it?"
ME: Ugh, there it goes again. Suddenly, I have no energy. What's going on here?
DEL RIO: "I don't know... are you sick?"
ME: No... it's just... Wow... I feel really unmotivated right now.
DEL RIO: "Why?"
ME: Not sure... I suddenly feel like doing some drugs, eating Cheetos and passing out on my couch. I'm not really motivated to do anything. I don't even want to run my Web site anymore.
DEL RIO: "That's pretty weird, Walt. Not because of what you're going through - but because all of my players have said the same thing to me after I've talked to them."
ME: Uhh... no energy... no stamina to eat... passing out... let yourself out... Zzzz...
26.Cleveland Browns (4-9) - Previously: #26 - Let's see... Ken Dorsey throws like an old woman; Braylon Edwards couldn't catch a cold if he were naked in Antarctica; and Romeo Crennel couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag. Not that Romeo would want to if there were Oreos in the paper bag with him.
25.Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) - Previously: #28 - What happened to Herm Edwards? I used to love calling him Conservative Herm. However, in the past few weeks, he's been more liberal with his play-calling. Against the Broncos, Herm went for it on fourth-and-one on his own 41, up 10-7 in the second quarter!
Maybe Herm was just so conservative all these years because all of his quarterbacks sucked. Herm has evolved!
From here on, Herm shall now be known as Aggressive Herm!
24.Buffalo Bills (6-7) - Previously: #21 - Bills fans who couldn't watch this game on TV or in the Rogers Centre, and were forced to follow it on NFL.com's Game Center, were thrilled when the following notification came up (thanks, Wraith):
2-10 MIA20 (3:24) (Shotgun) J.Losman Aborted. D.Preston FUMBLES at MIA 22, recovered by BUF-J.Losman at MIA 22. J.Losman to MIA 22 for no gain (M.Roth).
If only J.P. Zohan were really aborted... Maybe the Bills could have won on Sunday.
23.Green Bay Packers (5-8) - Previously: #20 - How do you lose back-to-back must-wins at home? Terrible.
I wrote this in my last two Power Rankings. I'm doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.
Did you know that the Packers and Texans never played? It's true - and I imagine Green Bay fans are thrilled right now. I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn't cover that game. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime. Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames ("He's the cashier because he makes you pay with either credit cards or money!") and handing out fantasy advice ("Start him! He audibles well!") to discuss the inexplicable demise of the Packers. ESPN hates its viewers. That's the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they'd bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they've done with that show is a disgrace.
2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4). Previously: #11
12. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1). Previously: #19
13. Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Previously: #12
14. New Orleans Saints (7-6). Previously: #14
15. Miami Dolphins (8-5). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (8-5). Previously: #17
17. Chicago Bears (7-6). Previously: #18
18. Denver Broncos (8-5). Previously: #16
19. San Diego Chargers (5-8). Previously: #22
20. Houston Texans (6-7). Previously: #23
21. Washington Redskins (7-6). Previously: #13
22. San Francisco 49ers (5-8). Previously: #24
32.Detroit Lions (0-13) - Previously: #32 - While Chris Berman and Tom Jackson are openly rooting for the Lions to win their first game, I'll admit that I'm hoping that they finish 0-16.
Now, don't get me wrong - I believe Detroit fans deserve a winner. But I also think that owner William Clay Ford needs to be embarrassed. He has proven time and again that he doesn't care about the people who cheer on his team. Case in point: Matt Millen not being fired until the owner's son said something about it. William Clay Darth Sidious Ford kept Millen around because he was a good friend, completely ignoring all the crappy picks and signings the inept GM made over the years.
Also, I'd be remiss if I'm still angry about the blown 17-0 lead that debacled my November NFL Pick of the Month. I still have nightmares about that. I can't sleep. I really need therapy.
31.Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) - Previously: #31 - Mike Brown, William Clay Ford, Al Davis... what do these guys have in common? They're terrible owners and their teams all suck. That's not a coincidence.
Speaking of Undead Al, I think this quote pretty much epitomizes Oakland's season. Cris Collinsworth said the following during the Oakland-San Diego game on Thursday night:
"There was a belief that Javon Walker would come in and strengthen the offense."
That belief came from Al Davis, who also sacrifices young virgins and thinks that a pint of goat blood a day keeps the doctor away.
30.St. Louis Rams (2-11) - Previously: #30 - A funny exchange between Jim Haslett and bust corner Tye Hill:
Haslett: "I don't know what the time frame is on him. It's been a long time already."
Hill: "What can you say? At least I can say I made it to the league."
Yeah, good job, Tye! We're all thrilled that you made the NFL despite being a top 15 NFL Draft pick. What an achievement!
29.Seattle Seahawks (2-11) - Previously: #29 - Vegas should send The Backdoor Bandit a large check after this season. Seneca Wallace has single-handedly screwed so many bettors, myself included. The backdoor cover at Tampa Bay. The backdoor cover at Miami. The inexplicable three touchdowns against the Patriots, who were coming off a loss.
Forget Michael Vick, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. I would like to nominate The Backdoor Bandit as the most hated man in the NFL. Anyone who has wagered against Seattle recently would agree with me.
28.Oakland Raiders (3-10) - Previously: #27 - JaMarcus Russell looks like a bust. I know that's not fair to say because he has no receivers or talented offensive linemen to work with, but still...
So, what can Russell do to prevent himself from emerging as the next great bust? Time for oddities!
EVEN - Drink a pint of goat blood every day like Al Davis does. Goat blood apparently makes you live forever. Russell will have a million years to emerge as an NFL quarterback.
2:1 - Take over for Undead Al as the franchise's GM and NFL Draft scout.
3:1 - Hire Gosder Cherilus and Moran Norris to beat up the other team's defensive players the night before each game.
8:1 - Ask Undead Al to turn him into a vampire. It's widely known that vampires have superior strength, speed and pocket awareness.
27.Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) - Previously: #25 - Nothing positive to say about the Jaguars, so let's use this space for my exclusive interview with Jack Del Rio!
ME: Jack, thanks for joining me. I want to let you know that I respect you as a coach, despite what your team is going through this season.
DEL RIO: "Thanks, Walt. I really appreciate it."
ME: Whoa... something just hit me. I feel...
DEL RIO: "What? What is it?"
ME: Ugh, there it goes again. Suddenly, I have no energy. What's going on here?
DEL RIO: "I don't know... are you sick?"
ME: No... it's just... Wow... I feel really unmotivated right now.
DEL RIO: "Why?"
ME: Not sure... I suddenly feel like doing some drugs, eating Cheetos and passing out on my couch. I'm not really motivated to do anything. I don't even want to run my Web site anymore.
DEL RIO: "That's pretty weird, Walt. Not because of what you're going through - but because all of my players have said the same thing to me after I've talked to them."
ME: Uhh... no energy... no stamina to eat... passing out... let yourself out... Zzzz...
26.Cleveland Browns (4-9) - Previously: #26 - Let's see... Ken Dorsey throws like an old woman; Braylon Edwards couldn't catch a cold if he were naked in Antarctica; and Romeo Crennel couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag. Not that Romeo would want to if there were Oreos in the paper bag with him.
25.Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) - Previously: #28 - What happened to Herm Edwards? I used to love calling him Conservative Herm. However, in the past few weeks, he's been more liberal with his play-calling. Against the Broncos, Herm went for it on fourth-and-one on his own 41, up 10-7 in the second quarter!
Maybe Herm was just so conservative all these years because all of his quarterbacks sucked. Herm has evolved!
From here on, Herm shall now be known as Aggressive Herm!
24.Buffalo Bills (6-7) - Previously: #21 - Bills fans who couldn't watch this game on TV or in the Rogers Centre, and were forced to follow it on NFL.com's Game Center, were thrilled when the following notification came up (thanks, Wraith):
2-10 MIA20 (3:24) (Shotgun) J.Losman Aborted. D.Preston FUMBLES at MIA 22, recovered by BUF-J.Losman at MIA 22. J.Losman to MIA 22 for no gain (M.Roth).
If only J.P. Zohan were really aborted... Maybe the Bills could have won on Sunday.
23.Green Bay Packers (5-8) - Previously: #20 - How do you lose back-to-back must-wins at home? Terrible.
I wrote this in my last two Power Rankings. I'm doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.
Did you know that the Packers and Texans never played? It's true - and I imagine Green Bay fans are thrilled right now. I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn't cover that game. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime. Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames ("He's the cashier because he makes you pay with either credit cards or money!") and handing out fantasy advice ("Start him! He audibles well!") to discuss the inexplicable demise of the Packers. ESPN hates its viewers. That's the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they'd bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they've done with that show is a disgrace.
2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4). Previously: #11
12. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1). Previously: #19
13. Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Previously: #12
14. New Orleans Saints (7-6). Previously: #14
15. Miami Dolphins (8-5). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (8-5). Previously: #17
17. Chicago Bears (7-6). Previously: #18
18. Denver Broncos (8-5). Previously: #16
19. San Diego Chargers (5-8). Previously: #22
20. Houston Texans (6-7). Previously: #23
21. Washington Redskins (7-6). Previously: #13
22. San Francisco 49ers (5-8). Previously: #24
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