32. St. Louis Rams (1-14) - Previously: #32 - Three starts for Keith Null: Three touchdowns. Nine interceptions. Eight sacks taken. Three fumbles. A 5.0 YPA.
Somewhere in prison, Ryan Leaf is smiling.
31. Detroit Lions (2-13) - Previously: #31 - Drew Stanton's really lucky. If drinking and playing football were illegal, he would have been locked up Sunday afternoon after blowing a .85.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12) - Previously: #29 - Good effort by the Chiefs, so I won't make fun of them this week.
Instead, here's an interview I conducted with Peyton Manning and Jim Caldwell:
ME: Hey guys, thanks for joining me.
MANNING: "No problem, but I want to say that I'll keep this interview going as long as it's close or competitive."
ME: Umm... thanks, I guess. Peyton, let's start with you. You have to be pretty pissed that you missed out on an opportunity to go 19-0.
MANNING: "Let's talk about that later. Walt, do you have DirecTV? You can get 500 channels and Sunday NFL Ticket so you can watch all of the games."
ME: I'm good, Peyton. Let's stick to the topic. Are you mad that you won't be able to go 19-0?
MANNING: "Walt, you look dehydrated. That's why you should drink Gatorade. It has tons of electrolytes to keep you going throughout your workday."
ME: I'm actually not that thirsty. Jim, are you upset that you'll never be remembered as the coach of a special team?
ME: Are either of you guys disgruntled at Bill Polian or not?
MANNING: "Walt, your computer is old. You should go to Sears. We have hundreds of different laptops all at the best prices you can find."
ME: "We?" Are you a Sears salesman?
BILL POLIAN: "Wwwwwwwwwwabababababababababababaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!"
MANNING: "Walt, Jim and I have to go. Here's Curtis Painter. He'll fill in for us."
PAINTER: "Derrr I don't know where to throw the ball derrrr."
ME: Curtis, just calm down. This is not a game. This is just an interview.
PAINTER: "OMG the game's going on and I'm going to lose it OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!"
ME: Ugh. Now I know how Colts fans feel.
29. Seattle Seahawks (5-10) - Previously: #27 - How much longer until we can ship Matt Hasselbeck off to the glue factory?
If you haven't seen it, here's the worst throw in NFL history (his first pass).
It's not seen here, but after the interception, Hasselbeck slapped his helmet in what appeared to be disgust. I'm not so sure. I swear I heard him say to himself, "Damn it, I need to make these intentional interceptions look less obvious. Oh well. I can't wait until I can count all of my money once the Packers cover this game."
28. Oakland Raiders (5-10) - Previously: #25 - There's nothing like getting blown out by the Browns. Good job.
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "what does the jets have to do to make the playoff or what has to happen for the jets to make the playoff"
The Jets can start by making sure that their fans begin capitalizing words and using punctuation marks.
2. "i really hope the faders lose this one. cos then theres no way theyll beat the baltimore!"
I disagree. The city of The Baltimore better be on upset alert.
3. "i hate halftime show"
Apparently, you hate using articles too.
27. Washington Redskins (4-11) - Previously: #24 - I dropped a deuce at halftime of the Washington-Dallas game, and the brown stuff floating in my toilet had more of a chance of scoring a touchdown than the Redskins on Sunday night. Pretty disgusting - on all accounts.
An e-mail from Adam B.:
Good one Griswald.
Lets try to break down this logic.
The redskins get absolutely destroyed on Monday night by the GIANTS 45-12
Not only that but Jason Cambell looked like Akili Smith. The rest of the crew couldn't stop a piss poor Giant Offense.
You give this game 5 units
Now the same broken down, cant score to save there lives, high school football team Washington redskins are playing a one Dallas Cowboys who just beat the undefeated saints and who are fighting for a playoff spot and are sure to bring there game.
lets waste another 5 units
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????? your better then this.
These same Redskins were a missed FG away from beating the Cowboys in Dallas and the Saints at home.
They didn't put forth any effort against the Giants, but I figured they'd put up a fight against the Cowboys, whom they haven't lost to by more than 4 pts in 3 years.
I stand by this pick. It was the right side, but just got the wrong result.
26. Buffalo Bills (5-10) - Previously: #23 - Brian set up us the Brohm. What happen! How are you gentleman. Are your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12) - Previously: #30 - If you looked close enough, Raheem Morris appeared to kiss one of his assistant coaches on the ear after the Buccaneers prevailed in overtime against the Saints. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Larry Johnson was interviewed after the Chiefs-Bengals game and was asked what he thought about Raheem's smooch:
"I knew Raheem was a f***ing motorcycle rider! I'm a East Coast cat who never lived on the East Coast, and I hate f***ing motorcycle riders!"
24. Cleveland Browns (4-11) - Previously: #28 - When Sebastian Janikowski nailed a 61-yard field goal at the end of the first half against the Browns, Eric Mangini made the funniest face ever. He was really pissed.
Why was he so angry? Time for oddities!
3:1 - When Mangina handed him a party invitation before the game, Janikowski ripped it up and laughed in Mangina's face, claiming that he would never attend an alcohol-free party.
3:1 - Janikowski got a Red Mega Man for Christmas, while Mangina's parents bought him a lowly Yellow Mega Man.
3:1 - Mangina got a call from his parents during the kick, and was told that Shannon Sharpe was coming over and spending the night for a two-person slumber party.
3:1 - Janikowski made a bet with Mangina. If he missed the 61-yarder, he'd give Erin Andrews' number to Mangina. If he made it, he would call Erin himself to ask her out.
23. Chicago Bears (6-9) - Previously: #26 - Damn it. I wanted to trash Jay Cutler with a player profile, but he played really well on Monday night.
If I'm a Chicago fan (and I haven't jumped off my roof yet), I'm really pissed right now. The Bears looked great Monday night, but I have to ask where this has been all year. Except for this victory and a win over Pittsburgh back in Week 2, they've played like crap all year. Where did this come from? If they could play like this, why have they lost by double digits four times in the past nine weeks? And why did they cost me three units tonight!? BAH!
2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Dallas Cowboys (10-5). Previously: #15
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7). Previously: #14
13. Carolina Panthers (7-8). Previously: #21
14. Houston Texans (8-7). Previously: #20
15. Tennessee Titans (7-8). Previously: #12
16. Denver Broncos (8-7). Previously: #16
17. New York Giants (8-7). Previously: #11
18. Atlanta Falcons (8-7). Previously: #18
19. Miami Dolphins (7-8). Previously: #13
20. New York Jets (8-7). Previously: #19
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8). Previously: #22
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8). Previously: #17