32. Carolina Panthers (1-11) - Previously: #31 - If the Panthers don't feel like tackling or blocking, then I'm going to rank them behind the Cardinals again.
Speaking of Arizona, Facebook friend Anthony A. made a great observation:
Did you watch the post game press conference of Ken Whisenhunt? "I will say this about Derek, he wasn't himself today. He took some shots early in the game..."
Seems as if Ken knows about Derek Anderson's magic flask.
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9) - Previously: #32 - The Adventure of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask continues!
What did Ken Whisenhunt mean by Anderson taking shots too early? Take a look:
Anderson: Hic... hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.
Whisenhunt: Derek, it's 10 in the morning! Our game doesn't for another three hours!
Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn izzzz neverrrr too early ta starrrrtt draankkkinnnn.
Whisenhunt: Great point!
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Whisenhunt: Herrzzzz the plannn... You fake a conckkkusshhion. Thennnn I'll be abel ta putttt in John Skeletor.
Anderson: Yaaa thinkk John Skeltor nickname hic izzz ffffunny? Naatthhinss funnnny taaa meeeee.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10) - Previously: #30 - Funny post from Facebook friend Brian M:
I was about to buy an Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade from the shady South Philly corner store this morning. I looked at the expiration date and it was expired by 3 years. I guess you can call this one a Carson Palmer.
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Previously: #29 - Can someone please inform Drew Stanton that you don't have to drop back 15 yards in the pocket on every play? He has to throw the ball 25 yards just to get it past the first-down marker on 1st-and-10.
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Wraith):
1. "OMG This just in the 49ers have forfit the game! Na j/k"
This just in you forfit your education!
2. "steelers stink but these teams are basiaclly simular with ed reed and polomolu but ed reed is better than our defences and then offences itll be a good game but i see bucs winning at home"
I love how this guy gives a full analysis on Steelers-Ravens, but then goes on to pick the Atlanta-Tampa winner.
3. "alrite eagle fans u know the bears r the beast in nfc right falcons ok u suck pack bears beat eagles bears beat saints they suck now so da bears r back and best in nfc"
"Falcons ok u suck ... saints they suck now..." I wonder how much hate mail this guy would get if he were running this site. Actually, he wouldn't get any because no one would understand him.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9) - Previously: #28 - Josh McDaniels and Todd Haley hugged after their ugly 10-6 game. Aww... isn't that sweet?
Here's what they said to each other during the hug:
McDaniels: Sorry my team sucked today, Turd Haley. I am awesome, but my players are not as awesome.
Haley: That's OK. I feel that way too sometimes. It's a shame my players can't always bask in my awesomeness.
McDaniels: I'm Josh McDaniels, and I do whateva I want. Whateva! Whateva!!! But my players can't do whateva they want!
Haley: Hey Josh, how about we go back to my place. I just videotaped my neighbors doing it. Let's watch it together.
McDaniels: I thought you'd never ask! I missed watching your awesome movies.
27. Buffalo Bills (2-10) - Previously: #27 - The Bills just lost both of their centers. This, after last week's disastrous loss to Pittsburgh. Can anything ever go right for Buffalo?
Speaking of which, I'm sure all Bills fans will appreciate the new Steve Johnson t-shirt (thanks to e-mailer Joshua C. for this.)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) - Previously: #26 - I forgot to post this last week. E-mailer Tony P. (not Tony Pike) asked me for some fantasy advice in an e-mail: "You like the Niners defense over the Browns defense? Niners don't get many turnovers and the Panthers basically hand the ball to the other team."
My response: "I'd like the Duke Blue Devils defense if they were playing the drunken Derek Anderson."
That ended up being the right move, but Jimmy Clausen is getting dangerously close to Drunken Derek Anderson level. He has thrown three touchdowns this season - one to his team, and two to the opposition. So make sure you start Atlanta's defense this weekend.
25. Tennessee Titans (5-7) - Previously: #25 - In my most recent Emmitt on the Brink entry, Derek Anderson held a symposium for all drunken NFL quarterbacks. One of the guys he invited was Kerry Collins.
Now, scroll up a bit, and check out the top two players in Scrubs of the Week below Mark Sanchez.
Coincidence? I think not!
24. Washington Redskins (5-7) - Previously: #23 - This is a few weeks old, but it still applies. If you haven't heard Chad Dukes' rant about the Redskins, have a listen. It's hilarious.
Here were some of the funnier responses to it:
1. diarrhea cha cha cha
What are the odds that this is a GameCenter member? This has to be a lock, right?
2. "BREAKING NEWS" "BREAKING NEWS", 59 LOTBOTOMIES WERE PERFORMED LAST NIGHT IN LANDOVER MARYLAND AT 8:30 PM. THIS IS A RECORD BREAKING MEDICAL BREAK THROUGH, TOP SURGENS ARE BEING CONTACTED AROUND THE WORLD ABOUT THE STRATEGY THAT THE EAGLES USED TO PERFORM 59 LOTBOTOMIES.[ IN MY AUSTIN POWERS DR. EVIL LAUGHTER] � MUHAHA... MUHAHA MUHAHA MUHAHA"
That wasn't an Austin Powers laugh, my friend. That was a "I belong in a mental hospital" laugh.
3. I flew to f***ing Korea for work and spent $330 on jerseys for everyone I knew straight fro the f***ing factory with the promise that we wouldnt suck this year. I�m taking the s*** back to get OVI's
For some reason, I'm just not buying this story.
The only thing this post accomplished was distracting Matt Millen from whatever he was doing. "HAMMM!!! WHERE!?!?!?"
23. Seattle Seahawks (6-6) - Previously: #24 - If only the Seahawks could schedule Derek Anderson and Jimmy Clausen every week.
Speaking of Anderson, I asked the Arizona quarterback to sit down with me for an interview:
ME: Hey Derek, thanks for joining me.
ANDERSON: "That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine."
ME: OK, I'm glad it's fine. Now, I have to...
ANDERSON: "That's fine."
ME: Whoops, forgot there were six of those. Now, I have to say, I'm a bit surprised. You seem a bit more sober than usual. Have you not been drinking out of your magical flask today?
ANDERSON: "I just chugged it all down eight minutes ago, so I have about two more minutes of complete clarity."
ME: Oh, OK. So, what's it like playing the quarterback position completely intoxicated?
ANDERSON: "It's unbelievable. You know how you can have only five receivers running routes at the same time? Well, I see 20 receivers out there. And there are so many defenders. So, I just heave it downfield as hard as I can and hope for the best."
ME: That's actually pretty funny.
ANDERSON: "Well, I'm glad you think that's funny. Because nothing's funny to me. I don't find anything funny. I don't laugh. I've never laughed. Not once in my entire life. I take my drinking seriously. I put my heart and soul into making the concoctions I fill my magic flask with."
ME: Sorry, Derek. Didn't mean to offend your drinking talents.
ANDERSON: "Izzzz OKKKK mannnn... You'rrrrre myyy bessssst frfffffriennddddd hic!"
ME: Wow, those two minutes really flew by.
ANDERSON: "IIIIIII knooowwwwww mannnnn!!!! Timmmmeee fliiiieeeesss byyyyyy hic!"
ME: It's too bad your magic flask is empty, or I'd take a swig out of it myself.
2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (6-6). Previously: #7
12. Dallas Cowboys (4-8). Previously: #18
13. Indianapolis Colts (6-6). Previously: #10
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4). Previously: #14
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (5-7). Previously: #20
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6). Previously: #19
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5). Previously: #13
19. Cleveland Browns (5-7). Previously: #21
20. Miami Dolphins (6-6). Previously: #17
21. Oakland Raiders (6-6). Previously: #22
22. Houston Texans (5-7). Previously: #16