Green Bay Packers (13-6) - Previously: #1 - Now that the Packers have finally proven that they're better than the Bears, maybe I'll stop getting e-mails and comment board posts from crazed Chicago Bears fans that look like, "OMGZ LIEK YOUR GUNNA LOOK SOOO STUPID WEHN TEH BEARS BEAT TEH PACKRZ AND GO TO THE SUPRE BOWEL!!! BEAR DOWNNNN!!!!"
I lost two units on Chicago +3.5, but reading the changes to Mike Martz's Wikipedia page was almost worth it. Here are two of the best ones I found:
Pittsburgh Steelers (14-4) - Previously: #3 - I'll never understand how the Steelers led 24-0 at one point. They hadn't dominated a playoff team like that all year.
I wasn't the only one who was frustrated about this. Forum member RoflDogs posted something he found in his Facebook news feed:
IF THEY SHOW ONE MORE UGLY STEELERS FAN WAVING THOSE ANNOYING TOWELS I WILL THROW MY TV DOWN THE STAIRS! THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THEY R HAVING SEIZURES OR ARE MENTALLY ILL!
I guess we shouldn't show that person this picture (thanks to Paddy Patriot for this):
No word yet if this Steelers fan survived the seizure. If I hear any news, you'll be the first to know.
New York Jets (13-6) - Previously: #5 - I've lost a combined 12.1 units in the past two weeks on teams that lost the spread by one point each. FML.
I'm frustrated, so let's go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter - a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com's GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
1. "aron rodgers is overated with the packers rodgers has 1 playoff win but packer fans think thell be in the superbowl pftt lol there not evenin the playoff picture"
This fail of a sentence was composed back in Week 14, and I've been saving it for this occasion. Could this be the worst sentence ever written in the history of the English language? There are spelling, grammatical and factual errors. I'd say Emmitt wrote this, but I don't see the word "debacled" anywhere.
2. "is there any chance dat da 'skins could get tom brady??? maybe give all their picks like dey did b4...."
Yeah, I'm sure this is Bill Belichick's grand-master plan. I bet he's sitting in his office thinking: "Tom Brady is dating way too many supermodels. Maybe I can trade him to the Redskins for all of their picks even though they don't have a third- or a fourth-rounder. With the No. 10 pick I'll be able to take Cam Newton! Yay!"
3. "idk u guys just out played us but that game on monday was for soul posession of the AFC East "
Wow, the stakes in the NFL just got a lot higher. Now teams are playing for soul possession.
Chicago Bears (12-6) - Previously: #4 - I've never ranked the Bears very high because I didn't trust Jay Cutler and Mike Martz.
Martz screwed up on the final drive, and we all now know how much of a pansy Cutler is. The question though is what Cutler and Brian Urlacher talked about on the sidelines when Urlacher yelled at his quarterback. So, I invited both over for an interview:
ME: Brian, Jay, I want to thank you for sitting down with me after such a tough loss.
URLACHER: "Well, you're paying me to sit down with this f***ing p***y, right!?"
CUTLER: "Ehhh don't call me that, Brian!!!"
ME: Umm... I'm not paying you, Brian.
URLACHER: "What!? You're telling me I could be on a tropical beach somewhere, but I'm talking to you and this a**hole instead?"
ME: Yeah, sorry I didn't make that clearer.
URLACHER: "Whatever. I want to talk s*** about this douche bag in front of his face anyway."
CUTLER: "But Brian!!! I had sand in my vagina and I couldn't play!!!"
ME: Wait, what? Vagina?
CUTLER: "I have a vagina and sometimes when sand gets inside it really agitates me wahhhh!!!"
URLACHER: "See what I have to work with, Walt?"
ME: Yeah, I do. Hey, Caleb Hanie, what are you doing here?
HANIE: "Guys, I am awesome. Wait, hold on, Mike Martz is telling me that before I can answer any questions, I have to run around in a circle 20 times and do 50 jumping jacks."
CUTLER: "Caleb, I want to give you some advice. When in doubt, throw it as hard as you can downfield. You don't have a John Elway arm like I do, but you should be OK just as long as you don't get sand in your no-no special place. To prevent this, I recommend using..."
ME: Whoa there. TMI. Brian, I feel sorry for you. You're now excused to go to the beach.
Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: