Last update: Sometime in the month of 2018.
Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
Emmitt Smith's 2018 NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
I've been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt's grammatically flawed analysis on the "Worldwide Leader," and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.
This is my 10th Emmitt mock draft. Last year, I had Matt Millen take half the picks, but I thought that Emmitt deserves his own mock draft, especially on his 10-year anniversary. I can't believe it's been a decade already! Where has the time gone?
This is what a 2018 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.
My real 2018 NFL Mock Draft - Emmitt's 2017 Mock - Emmitt's 2016 Mock - Emmitt's 2015 Mock - Emmitt's 2014 Mock - Emmitt's 2013 Mock - Emmitt's 2012 Mock - Emmitt's 2011 Mock - Emmitt's 2010 Mock - Emmitt's 2009 Mock - Emmitt's 2008 Mock
| A reminder of what we've been missing on Emmitt-less ESPN.
Los Angeles Chargers: Dragon Pain, DT, Alabama
It seem to me like the Charger cannot get over the hump day. He need someone to bring the pain, so I cannot think of none other than Dragon Pain who can bring the... uhh... thing that hurt, I already forgotted the name.
Dragon Pain remind me of my favorite TV show Game of Throngs. It about a guy name Jon Snowman who go to the Great Wall of China and fight guy with blue eye, and then he almosted die but a girl who bought a dragon at the fair comed save him and then they have intersexuals.
Seattle Seahawks: Sony Michelle, RB, Georgia
When I first hearded Sony Michelle name, I assumed he was the first girl to ever play in the National Football Conference in the team of Georgia. Then, I look at her picture and I realize she not a girl, but she a guy to begin with. This really debacled my mind but then I realize that Sony Michelle parent really smartness. They name him Sony to make sure people realize he a man. Except I do not realize!
The Seahawk could use a dynamic running back like Sony Michelle because he do not have good running back. Marchel Lunch gettin' real long in the mouth and I do not knowed any of the other guy on the team except Ruskell Wilkens.
Dallas Cowboys: Leighton Vander Trash, LB, Boise State
I look on the map of the United American of State to see where in the world of Cartman San Diego are the state of Boise but I cannot find him on the map. It like the game Where Waldo. You suppose to find Waldo in the crowd of people and then kill him but I cannot find the Waldo of the United American of State, the state of Boise.
I at a lost. Are the state of Boise a fragment of my imagination or do he really exist and if he do not exist who then Leighton Vander Trash. Maybe that why his name Vander Trash because he garbage if he not real exist!
Detroit Lions: Derrius Geist, RB, LSU
The Lion do not have a running back in a long time, since Barry Saunders play for him. Barry Sand a great running back, almosted as good as your truthfully but I the one who broke Peyton Walters all-times rushing record while Barry Sunders go into unretirement.
Here finally a replacingment for Barry Slanders. Derrius Geist real good on multiple front. He run real good and he also catch real good. He real good all round. But not only he good, he also ghost. Because geist and ghost like the same thing. Maybe he can hunt the other team in the NFC Central conference!
Cincinnati Bengals: Carry On Johnson, RB, Auburn
The Bengal do not have a running back neither. I look at the death chart of the Bengal and recognizement only one name: Joe Mixon. He the grand stepson of the former president of the United State of American, Richard Mixon, who went to prism because he open the watergate. I do not knowed the detail of this, but I can only assume he have a key and he go to the watergate, and he open the watergate and a lot of people drown. Do the Bengal want a guy like that twin grandson runnin' the rock? I do not think so which mean Carry On Johnson gonna be a real good replacement.
Buffalo Bills: Rashard Penny, RB, San Diego
The Bill somehow stoled this pick from Kansas City, which a real nice city in the city of Kansas. But that neither here nor here. The important thing are the Bill need a running back for when LeSean McLeaf get hurt and injury. It seem like he sometime get hurt and injury a little too often!
Rashard Penny remind me of when people say "penny for your thoughts" and I say OK and then he give me a penny and expect me to give him my thoughts but I do not knowed how. I try reach inside my brain and try to get my thought so I can hand to him but it do not work!
New England Patriots: Captain Kirk, WR, Texas M&M
A few long pick ago, I mention that the Redskin taking Rogue One Smith but now the chicken come home to roast because the Patriot now taking Captain Kirk who in charge of the Rogue One Smith space ship. How uncandy that the Patriot gonna get the captain 23 pick after the Redskin take the Rogue One Smith space ship!
If anybody need Captain Kirk, it the Patriot after he losted Brandon Cook. Maybe if he lucky, Captain Kirk gonna come with his best friend elf guy name Spot. Spot always speak smartness while Captain Kirk have sexuals with lady who do not wear pants.
Carolina Panthers: Brett Tooth, OT, Army
I hear some criticisms of Brett Tooth, the guy from the Army who wanna play football. Some people say he gonna drop in the late round like maybe 20th round because he from the Army. First of alls, this real surprise me because I do not knowed the draft more than one round! This real surprise me! I do a mark draft all these year and nobody tell me I should do more than one rounds. Maybe I gonna do it, but probably not because I have to record razor commercial soon.
Fifth of all, why the Army a problem? Brett Tooth gonna fight a war in Aflangastplan on Monday through Saturday then Saturday night he gonna take a plane ride to where he play and then he gonna play and then take a plane ride back to the war. This seem like a real easy thing to do!
Tennessee Titans: Jason Alexander, CB, Louisville
I surprise that anybody from Louisville in this draft after what happen to Rick Patio. Rick Patio the coach of Louisville and he hire prostitute for all the player. I do not think this a problem until somebody point out to me that prostitute have sexual transmuted disease like AIDS, diarrhea and IRS. This real bad that Rick Patio intentionally trying to poison the player and they lucky he make it out alife!
Jason Alexander one of the example of the guy who real lucky. Jason Alexander also the twin brother of the guy who play George on my favorite TV show Steinfeld which about a guy who live in a house and have three friend one of whose Jason Alexander. The other a girl name Embalm who always complain and a tall guy who real tall.
Atlanta Falcons: Trenton Thompson, DT, Georgia
I just notice that a lot of guy in my mark draft from the same team Georgia. I watch a lot of college football and I do not even realize Georgia a real good team. Maybe he gonna be real good next year in the NFC Central conference.
Trenton Thompson a name who stick out to me because Trenton is a state in the city of New Jersey. Trenton actually the capitalism of New Jersey. I knowed this because one class I took the Florida State College I go to was geometry and on the test he ask me what the capitalism of New Jersey and I wrote "Trenton" and teacher give me a 100 A+ after he ask me to sign some autograph. College real easy!
New Orleans Saints: Ronnie Harrison, S, Alabama
Ronnie Harrison real smart. He see that a guy from before name Rodney Harrison play football and was real good so his strategm was to steal Rodney Harrison name but so nobody noticed he change one number in his name from the number "D" to the number "N" and now he Ronnie Harrison and he gonna play real good like Rodney Harrison.
The Saint gonna let this slide. Because he real need a safety after what happen in the doggone playoff. The Saint almosted wonned but a safety screw up and let Stefon Urkel score a touchdown on the last second of the game which allow the Viking to win the Super Bowel.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Tree Maine Edwards, LB, Virginia Tech
My heart and prayer go out to Ryan Shazier who recovering from a horrible injury. When he injure himselves I almost feel the pain from my own living room. I hope he have a quick recover but in case he never play again, the Steeler need to find a replace. How about Tree Maine Edwards. He real good from college. I see him the one game he play against Virginia Tech and he look real good. Maybe I was just seeing thing but I could have swornt he was on two place at the same time!
Tree Maine Edwards really gonna help the Steeler. His name real interesting too as well. When I was looking at the map to find the state of Boise, I see the city of Maine on the United American of State on the map. He in the lower right of the state. And that mean he probably have a lot of tree growing there and that make sense why Tree Maine Edwards have a tree on his name.
Jacksonville Jaguars: James Daniels, C, Iowa
I see this name on the list earlierness and I could of sworned I saw that name another time and now it finally hit me. This James Daniels the same Stormy Daniels I has been hearing about on the news.
The Jaguar gettin' a real good value with Stormy Daniels on this round. Stormy Daniels in the news because he have sexual with the president. People making a big deal out of this because the president a man and Stormy Daniel a man, which mean they are homonym, but I do not care who have sexual relation with themself. It nobody business except theirmselves!
Minnesota Vikings: Aquarium St. Brown, WR, Notre Dame
The Viking sign Kurt Cousin to play quarterback, and now he have to find a new receiver so why not draft Aquarium St. Brown? Aquarium St. Brown name after the place where people go to swim with the fishes. This also something that happen in mop movies when the mop say somebody gonna have to swim with the fishes. This mean the mop boss gonna take a field trip with this other guy to the aquarium. What the point of all this? I do not has any idea, but maybe I just want to share that I really like mop movies!
New England Patriots: Marchel Ate Man, WR, Oklahoma State
I mention earlier that the Patriot losted Brandon Cook. Now I read in the newspaper that he also losted Danny Amendolphus who draft with the Dolphin. This two losts mean the Dolphin have to find a new receiving, and not just one new receiving, I'm talking about one plus one receiving which are a number I forgotted at the moment in time right now.
I can thinks of two reason the Patriot gonna draft Marchell Ate Man. The first reason are that Marchel Ate Mman real good, better than the other receiving the Oklahoma State Sooner have, George Washington. The other first reason are that Marchel Ate Man remind me of Candibal Lecture, who eat people because his name Ate Man. If the Patriot have a candibal on the team, maybe other team gonna be scared.
Philadelphia Eagles: Emmitt Smith IV the III Jr. the Sr. XIII Jr. VI Esq., QB/RB, Florida
I cannot belief the Eagle won the Super Game with Nick Folds. When Carston Palmer got injury, I willed have thunk the Eagle gonna losted all his game but he won all the game instead.
This time for my son Emmitt Smith IV the III Jr. the Sr. XIII Jr. VI Esq. to be draft. Every year I mark the fruit of my loom to the Cowboy hoping Jerry Jones gonna take him, and every year Jerry Johnson disappointment me. Now I learn why. Jerry Jordan do not have any priority on family. He cut recently Michael Irving's son Dez Bryant so that is why he do not want my son. Maybe the Eagle want him, and Emmitt Smith IV the III Jr. the Sr. XIII Jr. VI Esq. can play both running back and quarterback at the same time!
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