Pittsburgh Steelers: Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
Many projected that Marcus Lattimore would go higher than expected, but no one thought he'd be chosen in the middle of the first round. Head coach Mike Tomlin acknowledged the severity of Lattimore's knee injury, but said that his new runner would take the field in September.
"I'm fully aware that Marcus had a knee, but I look at that as a positive rather than a negative," said Tomlin with a crazy look in his eye. "Having Lattimore hop around on one leg will give us an advantage over other teams."
How so? Tomlin explained.
"This new helmet rule - a team that can have its running backs use their helmet will have a distinct advantage," Tomlin continued. "Without the use of one leg, Lattimore won't have a choice but to use his helmet, and I'm sure Roger Goodell and the officials will understand if Marcus has to use his helmet to compensate."
Goodell was not available for comment about this, as he was hiding under his desk in fear of Jaqen H'ghar.
Dallas Cowboys: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
The Tony Romo era is officially over!
"I've been sayin' for years that-uhh I'm a big believer in Jason Garrett and Tony Romo. I always defended Tony and said that Jason was only at the beginning of his journey as an NFL head coach. Now, I can tell you that is complete bulls***," Jerry Jones admitted. "These two gentlemen have ruined my franchise, and I believe it is my best interest to start over. That's why I am planning to tank the 2013 season so I can draft Johnny Football and bring in Jon Gruden to coach my football team."
We never thought Jones would ever give up on the Romo-Garrett combination, but apparently anything's possible in the 2013 NFL Draft.
New York Giants: Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame
If you listened to the NFL Network during its Combine coverage, you may have heard that the younger Giants' assistant coaches had to explain the Manti Te'o situation to Tom Coughlin.
"Don't bother me now, I'm timing these important 10-yard splits!" Coughlin was overheard barking at his intern.
Coughlin was briefed later on, and he apparently liked what he heard because he made Te'o his new middle linebacker.
"Now, I'm old, so I don't fully understand all of the details, but it sounds to me that Manti is a good kid and was part of an elaborate hoax," Coughlin said. "I actually believe Manti is pretty brave. What other linebacker would be courageous enough to defeat an evil wizard controlling his robotic girlfriend? It's pretty amazing if you ask me."
The confused New York media had some follow-up questions for Coughlin, but he had to excuse himself.
"I have some busywork to do," grumbled Coughlin. "I have all of these 10-yard splits written down on five notebooks, and I have to go organize them!"
Chicago Bears: Jeff Garcia, QB, Canada
Apparently, head coach Marc Trestman won't be the only person from the CFL joining the Bears.
"I've been stuck in Canada for a long time, eh," Trestman said. "I'm very happy to join the Bears organ-I-zation and coach in the hoose that Papa Halas built, but I need a quarterback who can explain these NFL rules to me, eh."
Jeff Garcia, despite being in his 40s, is a natural fit, as he played in both the CFL and NFL.
"Jeezzth Chrittthh I watthh asked to like extthplain that there are like only three downthh and sthtufff," Garcia said.
Cincinnati Bengals: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
Like the Cowboys with Tony Romo, the Bengals are surprisingly moving on from Andy Dalton. Cincinnati is doing so for a completely different reason, however.
"Andy is a great quarterback; there's no doubt about that," said owner Mike Brown. "But an important news broadcast was on TV recently. This broadcast said that gingers have no souls, and that would explain why Andy hasn't been able to win a playoff game for me."
Which news telecast was this exactly? Brown delved into it.
"I'm not sure of the name, but the news telecast later said that the president is a duck and that football from now on will be played with bras and balloons," Brown said. "I am in favor of a bra for Andre Smith, but balloons? I am going straight to Goodell to protest this matter!"
Washington Redskins: Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse
The Redskins were awarded this pick after trading it to the Rams a year ago. Roger Goodell, who was back on stage, explained what happened.
"We discovered a clause in the trade agreement," Goodell revealed. "It says that if Mike Shanahan idiotically keeps an injured Robert Griffin on the field during a playoff game, Washington will retain its 2013 first-round pick."
Shanahan shocked everyone by taking yet another quarterback with his recovered selection.
"What? Why does no one understand this pick?" Shanahan asked. "It's not like Ryan Nassib is going to steal RGIII's job or anything."
Minnesota Vikings: Clean Urine
Ray Lewis almost got in trouble for using deer antler spray to heal his torn tricep. Fortunately for Lewis, it was not a banned substance, so he was able to participate in the Super Bowl. It doesn't appear as though Adrian Peterson was as lucky.
The NFL announced that Peterson tested positive for elephant tusk spray, which he used on his knee just prior to his near-record-breaking campaign.
Minnesota's plan, according to sources, is to ask the NFL to retest Peterson and to use the clean urine it selected with the 23rd-overall selection to make sure he doesn't test positive.
Elephant tusk spray has been on the banned substance list since 2004.
Indianapolis Colts: E.J. Manuel, QB, Florida State
Most teams would be thrilled to have Andrew Luck as their franchise quarterback. The Colts, however, are not.
Here are a series of Jim Irsay tweets regarding this pick:
"NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR WE GOT 1 PICK LAST YRRR!!!"
"WOOD RATHER HAVE RUSELL WILSEN OR RGIIII!!!!"
"GOTTA TAKE MOBEEL QUARTERBACKS!!!"
"2ND ROUND PICK GONNNA BE CRAZEEEEE!!!"
Seattle Seahawks: Shamarko Thomas, S, Syracuse
This pick was supposed to be Minnesota's in the wake of the Percy Harvin trade, but Seattle general manager John Schneider used his excellent mind-control tactics to recoup it from the Vikings. He used the selection to improve Russell Wilson's self confidence.
"Russ was a bit down after losing in the playoffs," Schneider revealed. "We needed to bring in someone to make him feel better about himself."
With that in mind, Shamarko Thomas was the perfect candidate. Thomas is very short, and he of course is known for falling flat on his face after running the 40-yard dash at the Combine. Upon meeting him, Wilson referred to this as the "Shamarko Shake."
"Do the Shamarko Shake again, do it, do it, do it!" Wilson yelled, as he watched Thomas fall down again. "Yay yay yay, he did it again, he did it again!"
Green Bay Packers: Money
You could hear the swearing from the other side of Green Bay. It came from general manager Ted Thompson's office the night that Tony Romo signed his extension.
"F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***!" was heard echoing throughout the streets.
Thompson looked like he hadn't slept in ages when he took the podium in New York.
"Romo got a f***ing $108 million contract with $55 million guaranteed... that means I'm going to have to pay Aaron at least $180 million with $95 million guaranteed," Thompson groaned. "Ah God, I don't know how we're going to afford this. All we can do is to keep drafting money and hope it's enough."
Houston Texans: The Hamburgler, ILB, McDonald's
Arian Foster was celebrated for his fantasy football success yet again, but the Texans' front office was concerned after watching their running back's yards-per-carry drop to the high-threes for most of the season.
"It's that damn vegan thing," owner Bob McNair snarled. "I hate these damn vegans. They're ruining everything!"
Houston's 27th-overall selection, the Hamburgler, will play an important role in "fixing" Foster's struggles.
"We're going to have the Hamburgler steal some hamburgers and then force them down Arian's throat," Gary Kubiak explained. "It's a sound plan, I think. I just hope the Hamburgler doesn't get caught."
Denver Broncos: Tim Tebow, QB, Jets
Teams are finally realizing how great Tim Tebow is.
"All I know is that we beat an AFC North team in a home playoff game with Tim, and then we lost to an AFC North team in a home playoff game with Peyton," John Elway said. "The logic is simple. Tim is better, and I was a fool for letting him go in the first place."
New England Patriots: Bearded Guy from Men's Wearhouse
Bob Kraft has had enough. He could always put up with Bill Belichick's homeless man clothing style, but the straw finally broke the camel's back at a black-tie affair last week. Kraft showed up with two younger women on his arms and greeted Belichick, who was wearing his stinky hoodie. Kraft approached Belichick, but upon doing so, the two girls walked away in disgust because Belichick smelled so much.
Now at the draft, Kraft waltzed to the podium with a 25-year-old blonde around his arm.
"I'm in love with this woman," Kraft revealed. "This woman, Sally, is very special to m... oh, your name is Terry? Ha, didn't know that. But this Terry girl needs to be by my side, and for that to happen, I need Belichick to look good and smell good for a change. I'm sorry, Bill, but I couldn't live with myself if I lost Sally."
The Bearded Guy from Men's Wearhouse will be tasked to dress Belichick in his finest, though this will prove to be quite a challenge. When he tried to remove Belichick's hoodie, the head coach hissed and sprayed venom on him.
Atlanta Falcons: Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU
We can all agree that something is missing from this Falcon team. They keep getting to the playoffs, but they always fall short. Something had to change. General manager Thomas Dimitroff was in agreement.
"I've spent my years in Atlanta drafting boring guys like Matt Ryan, so it's time to adjust my strategy," Dimitroff stated. "What I need to do is to add as many scumbags and bad-character people as possible. That will put us over the top."
That would explain Tyrann Mathieu. He probably shouldn't be classified as a scumbag, but he has been arrested quite a few times in his life. Unfortunately, for Dimitroff's plans, Mathieu has turned his life around.
"Thank you, good sir, for drafting me into your professional football organ-I-zation," Mathieu told Dimitroff in an English accent. "I vow to put forth my best effort and behave excellently while your employ."
Dimitroff's face reddened almost instantly.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!" Dimitroff shrieked. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BAD! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET MATT RYAN HIGH! GAHHHHH WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY PLANS!?"
San Francisco 49ers: Tom Crean, Coach, Indiana
Why in the world would the 49ers use a first-round pick on a college basketball coach, particularly one who happened to be Jim Harbaugh's brother-in-law? Harbaugh cleared that up after the first round was over.
"John won the Super Bowl, and everyone thinks he's so great," Harbaugh said with a tear in his eyes. "Everyone wants to hang out with him, and no one cares about me anymore. Well, I want to draft Tommy so he can come over to my house and watch the Following with me every Monday night at 9 on FOX!"
Crean later joined ESPN on a conference call.
"Ugh, was I really drafted by the Niners?" Crean asked. "This sucks. Hanging out with Johnny has been so fun ever since he won the Super Bowl. I don't want to watch the Following with Jimmy. That's going to be f***ing terrible."
Baltimore Ravens: No One
The Ravens have forfeited their first-round pick. They just couldn't take anyone.
"We just can't afford anyone," revealed general manager Ozzie Newsome. "We have all of our money tied up in Joe right now, so we can't pay anyone else. But Joe is worth it because he's the best quarterback in the NFL."
As Newsome said this, more groaning and moaning could be heard from Ted Thompson's office.
"Ahhhh, that's going to be me when I pay Rodgers!" Thompson cried.
I really don't understand why you keep bashing the 49ers contracts. You have to overpay for guys when you have one of the worst rosters in the NFL. Beyond that, they have nearly $70 mill in cap space even after free agency, so what's the big deal if they overspend?