Last update: Friday, April 7, 2017. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2017 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2017 NFL Mock Draft or 2018 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.
Attention, attention, everyone. Attention! I have breaking news to reveal about Deshaun Watson. Gather around as I break this breaking news. I have breaking news to break, so take a break and watch as I break this breaking news! I don't know how I caught this break by being able to break this breaking news, so hit the breaks in your busy schedule, and watch me as I break down the breaking news I'm about to break. Before we break to this breaking news, let's break down Deshaun Watson, then we'll take a commercial break, and then we'll break for the breaking news that I've caught a break to break as I'll break it all down for you. So take a break and relax for this commercial break, before I break down the breaking news I'm about to break. Or, you can just go to pick No. 32 in this mock draft to read my unbelievable breaking news on Deshaun Watson.
San Francisco 49ers: Statue of Jed York
(By Jed York, Owner of 49ers)
Hello everyone, my name is Jed York and I'm the owner of the 49ers. There are a couple of things I wish to address. One, I heard that some people were making fun of me because I said I can't get fired because I'm the owner. I think anyone who laughs at me for this is an idiot because I am the owner, and I simply cannot get fired. It's not possible. Not in a hundred years. That's right. I'll be owning this team 100 years from now, and that brings me to my second point. I have found the elixir of immortality. I got it from a team that traded it to me for Joe Staley. That's my third announcement. I've traded Joe Staley for this elixir of immortality. And I'll drink it now. Yum, yum, tastes like apple juice. And my fourth announcement is that because no one wanted to come to my sleepover last night, I'm building a statue of myself outside the stadium, and everyone who comes to the games will now have to kneel before it for two minutes, or they won't be allowed into the game. That's because I'm Jed York, and I'm an owner who can't get fired.
Chicago Bears: Myles Garrett, DE/OLB, Texas A&M
(By Evil Mike Mayock & Evil Rich Eisen, Announcers at Evil NFL Network)
Evil Mike Mayock: Talking Myles Garrett here, Myles Garrett, 6-4, five-and-a-quarter soakin' wet, probably soakin' wet from killing aquatic wildlife in the ocean, has great pass-rushing moves, can run over a weak individual with those pass-rushing moves and trample them to death, has vines for arms that not only can strangle someone, but can also ensnare animals at the zoo and kill them, which he can eat for dinner later, I've done this multiple times, can't wait to eat the mating tigers, repped 33 pounds on the bench press, I once threw a bench press at someone's glass window, broke the window, went into their house and stole all their diamonds, leapt 41 inches in the vertical, probably can jump up to someone's second-story window, break the window and steal more diamonds which he can then sell on the black market, jumped 10 feet, eight inches in the broad, he can jump over a chasm I'll create when I try to destroy the world...
Evil Rich Eisen: Enough, already, Evil Mike Mayock. It is time for me, Evil Rich Eisen, to perform the Walk, Rich, Walk extravaganza, where I will walk the 40-yard dash as slowly as possible, and the slower I walk, the more starving orphans will go without food for a year.
Evil Mike Mayock: And here it is, let's look at the start, oh Evil Rich Eisen, what a faster-than-usual start for you, maybe you shouldn't have been training with Michael Johnson but rather been training with Rosie O'Donnell so you could've eaten a lot and been fatter and not had a fast start, oh wait, look at this, Evil Rich Eisen, you are crossing the 1-yard line, and only have 39 more yards to go before more orphans go without food, and...
Evil Rich Eisen: We have to cut to a commercial break before we show the punters at the combine, because punters are people, too. Actually, that's a lie. Punters are abominations who should be wiped off the face of the planet. But I'll spare you all the suspense. I walked the 40-yard dash in six hours, three minutes. That's 21,780 seconds, which means 21,780 orphans will go without food in 2017. Please support the Walk, Rich, Walk Foundation so we can have more orphans go hungry.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Fierce Workout
(By Blake Bortles, Thrower on Jaguars)
I've been asked questions on how my offseason workouts have been going, and when I answer them, they look at me like I'm stupid. Well, they're the ones who are stupid! On Monday, I have Mons Venus, then Tuesday I have the Peach Pit After Dark, and on Wednesday... oh man, you'll never believe what I did Wednesday. I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone. Yeah, I was, seriously. And this guy who was on the phone turns around and tips his hat like this. And who do you think that guy was? Emilio Estevez. The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there. I was like, "Emilio!"
Tennessee Titans: Mitchell Trubisky, QB, North Carolina
(By Van Jones, Observer of Whitelashes)
The favorite to be chosen here was Deshaun Watson. And look at this. It's not Deshaun Watson. It's Mitchell Trubisky. Unbelievable. It's clear what's happening here. This is a whitelash. This is a whitelash against a changing country. You have this outcome. You have people putting children to ed tonight and they are afraid of breakfast. The breakfast is also a whitelash because eggs are white. See what's happening here? This is all a whitelash. Everything is a whitelash. Everyth... wait, what do you mean this was my decision to make? I could've mocked Deshaun Watson here? This has nothing to do about race? This is nonsense! Blasphemy! It's all a whitelash! The background color of this article is white! It's a whitelash! All a whitelash! Everything's a whitelash, ahhhhhh!!!
New York Jets: Tim Tebow's Girlfriend
(By Donald Trump, Leader of the Free World)
Thank you, WaltersFootball.com, thank you for letting me be a part of your celebrity mock draft. And why wouldn't I be a part of the celebrity mock draft? I am a celebrity. Believe it. People say I'm not a celebrity. Sad! This is yet another instance of the liberal media. The liberal media perpetrating their lies. The fake news perpetrating their lies. Believe it. Believe me. Now, let's get to this pick. We're going to win this pick. We're going to win this pick, bigly. Believe it. Now, people say the Jets need a quarterback. The liberal media says the Jets need a quarterback. This is totally a scam driven by the liberal media. The liberal media and their fake news. The fake news; no, the very fake news. Believe me. I used the Google machine to look up quarterbacks for the Jets. And then I found Tim Tebow, and the wonderful, wonderful young woman pictured with him on the front page of WaltersFootball.com. The totally, wonderful, wonderful young woman who is pictured with Tim Tebow. And then I thought, the Jets could totally use this young woman. Believe it. So, I've mocked this totally, wonderful, wonderful young woman to the Jets, and they will make bigly strides in 2017, just as I did when I became President of the United States. People say I'm not really president, but this is a lie by the liberal media. Sad! Believe me.
Los Angeles Chargers: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Bill Simmons, podcaster at HBO)
I've seen some of Deshaun Watson's highlight reels in preparation for this celebrity mock draft, and I have to say that he really reminds me of Joseph on Survivor Season 58 when Joseph betrayed Anna and then became leader of the island, but then was overthrown by Benjamin, and then in Season 59 when Joseph came back and was backstabbed by Richard from Real World Road Rules. And then I looked at Mitch... wait, is it Mitch or Mitchell Trubisky? I'm so confused by this. Is it Mitchell? Mitchell Trubisky reminds me of Francois on Season 87 of Real World Survivor House Rules Survivor. That time Francois got into a fight with Jeremy, and they fought to the death. And then there's Pat M... wait, is it Pat or Patrick Mahomes? I'm so confused by this. Patrick Mahomes... what's with all of these quarterbacks using their full names now? This reminds me of Road Warrior Road Rules Survivor WWE Road Survivor Rules Warrior Survivor Season 195 when Monique...
*** We apologize. The Bill Simmons selection was canceled, due to a lack of interest. ***
Carolina Panthers: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Michael Smith and Jemele Hill, Anchors of SC6)
Michael Smith: Welcome to the best 60 minutes of your day, which is kind of sad if you think about it because you're watching two people working during those 60 minutes! Jemele, let's get to our lead story. It's the Celebrity Mock Draft, and we've been invited for the first time. Because we're a sports show, list your top 10 celebrities and why.
Jemele Hill: My first-favorite celebrity is Morgan Freeman. He can say anything, and I'll believe him. My second-favorite celebrity is Jack Bauer from 24!
Michael Smith: That's not even a real person, Jemele! OK, let's switch topics because we're a sports show and we want to stand on point. What are your five favorite songs, and why?
Jemele Hill: I like California Girls from Katy Perry, featuring Snoop Dogg as my first-favorite song.
Michael Smith: See, this is why this is the best 60 minutes of your day! You just heard Jemele Hill say that she loves Katy Perry! New topic, now because we're a sports show, let's list our top 17 vegetables, and why. You have to go cucumber, pickle and then apple, right Jemele?
Jemele Hill: I don't think apple is a vegetable, Michael, but I would go carrot, celery and pickle as my top three in my top 17.
Michael Smith: Jemele, you're right in saying that apple is not a vegetable. Oh, how could I make such a big mistake! Everyone loves our show, and I can tell from our super-high ratings! Now, let's get to sports, Deshaun Watson is the pick here, and we'll now go to commercial break. Enjoy the commercials during the best 60 minutes of your day, people!
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Mixon, RB, Bengals
(By Marvin Lewis, Coacher of Bengals)
I was reading Walters Football's April Fools Mock Draft, and he had me saying that I don't believe in YouTube. Well, I don't! YouTube isn't real, just like concussions aren't real either. Everyone is saying Joe Mixon can be seen punching a girl on YouTube, but that sounds like nonsense to me. Why would a tube of some sort have a "you" attached to it? What if I want to watch it? Is it MeTube? What if a girl I don't know is watching it? Is it HerTube? This is stupid, and it's why I don't believe YouTube exists. What nonsense. Almost as silly as concussions. Oh, and while we're at it, here's a list of things people say are real, but I don't believe to be real: unicorns, mermaids, dragons, strawberries, lemonade, Big Foot, French people, faeries, Scotch tape, and flashlights. How do you flash light, anyway? Stupid! None of this is real!
Buffalo Bills: Jerod Evans, QB, Virginia Tech
(By Terry Pegula, Owner of Bills)
I had a secret meeting last night with some of my players, and we talked about what we should do with Tyrod Taylor. I know, I know, I signed him to an extension this offseason, so I made it sound like we're keeping him, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I was right the first time when I tried stealing money from him back in Week 17? That's what the people said I should do when I had a private meeting with them the first time, and now they're saying I should steal money from him again, so here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to draft another quarterback from Virginia Tech to make Tyrod Taylor feel bad, and then when he passes Go, he won't collect $200 from me, and I'll make $200 from the deal, and then I can have Tyrod Taylor land on Boardwalk and pay me lots more money until he has no money left and he's playing for free, and then I can cut him! Wait, hold on, maybe I should have another secret meeting. I'll ask the guys in this secret meeting whether I should re-sign Tyrod Taylor or not after I bankrupt him and release him!
New Orleans Saints: Ray Allen, G, Connecticut
(By Woody Paige, Bill Plaschke, Sarah Spain, Bob Ryan, opinion-makers on Around the Horn)
Tony Reali: Welcome to Around the Horn! First topic: Which player should the Saints pick with No. 11 overall? Woody?
Woody Paige: Look at the schedule, guys! The Boston Red Sox play the New York Yankees seven times in the next three weeks! How are they going to get to the playoffs with that schedule? They'll never win a World Series!
Tony Reali: Woody, what year do you think it is?
Woody Paige: It's 1997, guys! You guys are so deep in the forest, you can't see the trees, or the schedule for that matter! I'm telling you, the Colorado Avalanche will win the Stanley Cup!
Tony Reali: Mute! OK, Bill Plaschke, please save us here because Woody Paige's old brain isn't functioning today.
Bill Plaschke: I'm Bill... Bill Plath... Bill Plath... Bill Plath... Plath... I'm Bill Plath...
Tony Reali: OK, you get two points for that answer, Bill. What say you, Sarah Spain?
Sarah Spain: I think...
Jay Mariotti: Haha, tis I, Jay Mariotti! And I have returned to the show after kidnapping Bob Ryan, haha! What is this fiend doing on this show? Sarah Spain, what is she from Madrid!? This is making me so mad, Tony! Remember when it used to be just us guys on the show before women ruined everything? Do you member? I member!
Woody Paige: Look who it is, Jay! We're talking Saints draft picks, Jay! Bet you didn't even look at the schedule, Jay!
Tony Reali: Woody, you're back with us in 2017! So, who are the Saints picking?
Woody Paige: Look at the schedule, guys! The Boston Celtics are going to lose to the Miami Heat in nine games! Ray Allen will hit a three-point basket!
Tony Reali: Oh, no...
Jay Mariotti: Tony, let's kick this vile wretch Sarah off the show, and bring back me and T.J. Simers like it was in the old days. I member the old days. Do you member? I member!
Tony Reali: Ugh, what has this show devolved to? Let's go to commercial break.
Cleveland Browns: None
(By Evil Michael Wilbon and Evil Tony Kornheiser, Opinion-makers on Evil PTI)
Evil Michael Wilbon: I'm Evil Michael Wilbon. Evil Tony, did you hear about the man who photocopied his butt 500,000 times? He got cancer and he died!
Evil Tony Kornheiser: I'm Evil Tony Kornheiser! No, I didn't hear about him, but I did photocopy Uranus, and I e-mailed everyone in our evil office the copies of your anus!
Evil Michael Wilbon: You think you're so funny, don't you? Anyway, first topic! What are the Browns doing with this pick?
Evil Tony Kornheiser: You know what the Browns are not doing with this pick? They're not feeding hungry orphans because I have tortured them all! I did the evil penguin dance in front of them for 60 hours, and then they all went into seizures! Look at me, I'm doing the evil penguin dance!
Evil Michael Wilbon: I never thought I would agree with you, Evil Tony, but I have no choice. Hungry orphans must pay because they are millenials, and I hate millenials more than anything in the world. In fact, I have purchased a ray gun that will automatically blast any millenial who crosses my path!
Evil Tony Kornheiser: If there were a living, breathing commissioner in the NBA, he would kill all millenials for you! But there isn't a living, breathing commissioner because I strangled him to death!
Evil Michael Wilbon: Thanks a lot, Evil Tony. Now, let's get to this pick. I don't know what the Browns are going to do. They use metrics now. Everyone uses metrics! You know what I think about metrics, Tony? I think anyone who uses metrics should be fed to the alligators I have in one of my many moats!
Evil Tony Kornheiser: And you certainly have many houses with moats in your many evil gated communities. I'm going to pass on this pick as well, and I'm also going to pass on the rest of this show. Good night, Canada! Good night because by morning, you'll all be dead after you breathe in poisonous gas tonight!
Arizona Cardinals: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
(By Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman, opinion-makers on show no one watches)
Woman: Hello, and welcome to a show no one watches. Someone kill me now. First topic, gentlemen: Which player will the Cardinals select with the No. 13 pick in the celebrity mock draft?
Stephen A. Smith: This is preposterous! This is sesquipedalianismly, subdermatoglyphicly, honorificabilitudinitatibusly, unimaginatively, incomprehensibilities!
Woman: I'm not even sure if that's grammatically correct, or if those are actual, real words. Max, what do you think?
Max Kellerman: Thuffering thuckatath! I'm Maxth Kellerman!
Woman: Great rebuttal, Max. What do you have to say in response, Stephen A?
Stephen A. Smith: This is preposterous! Supercalifragilisticexpialidociously, antidisestablishmentarianismly, floccinaucinihilipilificationly, pseudopseudohypoparathyroidismly, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosisly incomprehensible!
Max Kellerman: I dithagree, Sthephen A! I dithagree becauth I'm Maxth Kellerman!
Woman: Ugh. Well, there you have it. Our guys' takes on the Cardinals pick. We'll be right back after this commercial break, or right after I kill myself. Whichever comes first.
Philadelphia Eagles: Dalvin Cook, RB, Florida State
(By Me, Owner of Football Site)
I'm a fat guy who owns a football Web site, so I can make all the crude jokes I want! Haha, look at me! I'm giving this a Millen grade! A big, fat kielbasa Millen grade with lots of kielbasas and backsides! Backsides and kielbasas! And look at me, I can sound like Emmitt Smith! You can't teach an old dog old tricks! The worm catches the bird! It's raining cats and mice! Follow me on Twitter for more. Here are some examples of tweets I'll make! Check out my 2017 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2018 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2019 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2020 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2021 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2022 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2023 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2024 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2025 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2026 NFL Mock Draft! Check out my 2027 NFL Mock Draft! Kielbasas and backsides!
Indianapolis Colts: Falcons Smash
(By Ross Avila, Worker at Foot Locker)
My girl Rachel Maddow got something in the mail about breaking info, and I'm gonna break news too and then I'll make lots of money and can finally stop working at Foot Locker. This picture showed up in my mailbox from my homie with the cool baseball cap and it's gonna make Walter Football look like a clown LOL!!! I haven't even looked at it yet, but here it is:
See how stupid Walter Football looks? I'm the best handicapper in the wor... AH S**T WHY DID MY HOMIE WITH THE COOL BASEBALL CAP HAVE TO PLAY ME LIKE THAT AND SHOW WHEN I MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!! NOW HOW ARE PEOPLE GOING TO BELIEVE ME THAT I HAVE AN INTERNSHIP AT GOOGLE COMING UP!? MY DAD IS A JANITOR AND HE COULDN'T GET ME AN INTERNSHIP TO SAVE HIS LIFE AND NOW I'LL BE STUCK WORKING AT FOOT LOCKER FOREVER BUT AT LEAST I OWN SOME COOL BASEBALL CAPS LIKE MY HOMIE!!!
Baltimore Ravens: Not He-Man
(By Nancy Pelosi, Leader of Minority House)