Last update: Sunday, April 10, 2016. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously, especially if you have no sense of humor. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2016 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2016 NFL Mock Draft or 2017 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.
Tennessee Titans: Roberta Nkemdiche, DE/DT, Ole Miss
(By Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Bruce Jenner)
When I was first told that I would be in the annual WalterFootball.com Celebrity Mock Draft, I was nervous. What if I would screw up? What if I wouldn't do enough to earn the top pick? But then I had a fabulous pow-wow with myself, and I thought to myself, buckle up, buckaroo, you're going to be fabulous! And if you don't get the first pick, you can just sell more parts of your body for it. Luckily, I didn't have to do that.
I know I'm not going to screw up with this one. I heard that a certain gentleman named Robert Nkemdiche hurt himself at the NFL Combination by stating that he thought he would be the top pick and then throwing a teammate under the bus. Many criticized him, just like they criticized me for my lifestyle change, so I want to defend Robert. Robert, if you're listening, you're a star. You can be No. 1 if you follow your heart and dreams. And if that doesn't work, Robert, just do what I did. Have a sex change just for publicity and money, Robert, or should I say, Roberta? You have no idea how many countless millions I made off it, and you can make countless millions, too, buckaroo.
Cleveland Browns: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
(By Johnny Manziel, drunken quarterback)
You know what I need most? A receiver I can throw to. Everyone I threw to last year sucked. They didn't want to come out to the clubs and hang out with me. "We have NFL futures," they said. How could they possibly say that? If they were women, I would've punched them. But they were men, and I'm too scared to hit a man, so I did nothing until I wrote about them in my diary. I know someone some day is going to read it, and they're going to know how much I hate them!
I need a new receiver to throw to, so here's one. I know the news says that the Browns cut me, but I was never told this, so I'm going to assume the media is out to get me again. Like that one time the media criticized me for snorting blow in a Vegas bathroom. That's dumb. I'm an average kid, and according to scientific research I've conducted, average kids are faces of billion-dollar franchises and snort coke whenever they damn well please. They also show up drunk to work and fly out to Vegas wearing a disguise. This is what average kids do, and believe me, I am one average kid.
San Diego Chargers: Jared Goff, QB, California
(By Evil Mike Mayock, color analyst on Evil NFL Network)
Here's the deal with Jared Goff, Jared Goff, 6-6, two-and-a-quarter soakin' wet, has vines for arms that can strangle someone, reminds me of when I strangled that rookie NFL player in his sleep, slipped into his house, crept up to his bedroom, extended my vines for arms around his neck, neck circumference 11 and a quarter, soakin' wet, wrapped my hands around the neck, squeezed, oxygen escaped his lungs, died right on the spot in 4.55 seconds flat, which was a disappointment, was expected to die in 4.7 seconds, now that makes me think I missed something on the tape, so I'm sure teams will be going back to check the tape because the numbers aren't matching the production, I love when numbers match so I don't have to do more tape watching, and I also love matches themselves, the matches, four inches and a quarter, definitely not soakin' wet, once threw a lit match at a church, went up in flames in 5.50 seconds, almost as fast as Rich Eisen running the 40, why don't we go to the simulcast and watch me strangling the former player with vines for arms and the church getting set ablaze, as you can see, it's about a second faster for the vines strangling the neck, and then there's Rich Eisen trailing in the rear, I wish someone would sexually molest him up the rear, even if it's a dancing bear, so I wouldn't have to hear him talk anymore, but that won't be as enjoyable as murdering someone in a phone booth, a phone booth player is someone I call who will beat you in a phone booth, like literally beat you to death with the phone they found in the phone booth, bashing it against your skull repeatedly, and then you fall down, the speed depending on if you're a heavy-legged waist bender, but you'll still fall faster than Rich Eisen, who is still running the 40, why won't someone molest him up the rear already.
Dallas Cowboys: Tom Hackett, P, Utah
(By Evil Rich Eisen, anchor on Evil NFL Network)
Is anyone else sick of Mike Mayock? The guy had just one pick, and yet he talked for like five minutes and never stopped once. It's called a f***ing period, Mike. Periods separate f***ing sentences. They are also things women get monthly, which can be the best things ever because it means that one you had sex with won't be birthing one of your bastards. And like the people of Westeros, I hate bastards.
But enough with the pleasantries. Evil Mike Mayock and I are from the evil parallel universe, which does actually have similarities to this one. In fact, I say "punters are people" too there. Punters are people, and that's a good thing because I collect punters. That's right. I get punters like Mr. Tom Hackett here and I tie them up in my basement and torture them, and then I wait until there's a half-waning moon. On this day each month, the demon Zarlox emerges from the underworld and visits me, and I pay tribute to him by sacrificing five punters. Zarlox wants people, but doesn't care if they play an irrelevant position on the field, so that's why I kidnap punters. They are worthless people, but they are people nonetheless.
Oh, look, here comes a punter now. Shhh, I'm going to surprise him...
Ha! I hit him over the head with a baseball bat, and, oh no, he's bleeding and he's dead! How horrible! Now I have to find a new punter to sacrifice to Zarlox so that when Zarlox takes over Earth, he will make me archbishop of agriculture, as promised. All I've ever wanted was to be in charge of agriculture, so I'm just fulfilling my dream.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Butterfly Lie
(By Evil Roger Goodell, commissioner of the Evil National Football League)
I am also from the evil parallel universe, but unlike everyone else I am a nice man. My hobbies include helping old ladies cross the street and catching butterflies. I also treat people with respect, and everyone says I am completely just. When I saw the Ray Rice video, I cried inside and suspended him for a decade right away. Then I collected as many daisies as possible and handed them to every single woman I saw in the street.
What's that? You're surprised that I'm nice? That's odd, considering I'm from the evil parallel universe. And what? You're telling me that the Goodell in this normal universe is a complete a**hole no one likes? He what? He covered up the Ray Rice scandal? Why would he do that? It always pays off to be honest and fair. In fact, the only time I've ever lied was when I told the judges that I caught 14 butterflies in the butterfly-catching contest when I really caught 18. I lied because I wanted the handicapped kid, Jimmy, to win with his 15 butterflies. All handicapped people are special; in fact, I cry on the inside and outside whenever I see one.
Baltimore Ravens: First, a word from our sponsors...
(By Bill Simmons, former ESPN employee)
Hey guys, Bill Simmons here to talk about Circlespace. Do you need to build a Web site and don't know where to start? Try Circlespace today. OK, time to get down to serious business. Roger Goodell is a f***ing a**hole. Yeah, I can curse now because I'm not on ESPN. Take that! And before I get to why Roger Goodell is a f***ing a**hole, let me talk about comfortable boxers. Need comfortable boxers? Try Huntsman Underwear today! OK, so, Roger Goodell says he didn't know about Ray Rice, but I know he knows and everyone else knows he knows. It reminds me of the one time Jacques knew something on Survivor but told everyone he didn't know but everyone knew. Now, before I get to my second point, I need to say the second point is brought to you by Trianglespace. Need to build a fancy Web site? Try Trianglespace today. OK, my second point is that Roger Goodell punished the Patriots unfairly even though Tom Brady destroyed evidence. But I'm going to ignore that even though no innocent person in the history of humanity has ever destroyed evidence because I'm a Patriots fan! And it reminds me of that one time on Big Brother that Pierre destroyed evidence but he was a Patriots fan so everything was fine. OK, time for my third point, which is brought to you by CVS Nasal Gel. Is your nose dry? Then try CVS Nasal Gel today! OK, time to talk about ESPN. I'm coming after those guys hard! How hard? Let's hear from a sponsor first. This is brought to you by Rhombusspace. Need a fancy Web site? Try Rhombusspace today! Here's how hard I'm coming after ESPN! Ready? Ready? OK. Hey Mike Greenberg, you asked Rick Pitino a stupid question! Ha! Hey, Mike Golic, you eat three doughnuts every day and you ask stupid questions, too! Ha! I got ESPN real good! It reminds me of that one time on Amazing Race when LaJamal got everyone real good!
San Francisco 49ers: Laquon Trackwell, WR, Mississippi State
(By Colin Kaepernick, ESPN)
I'm honored to be making this pick for the 49ers. I saw Jed York the other day and he invited me to his sleepover birthday party. I wanted a new contract so I told him I'd go. It turns out I was the only one who showed up, so he told me he's going to let me make this pick.
I put a lot of research into this pick - even more than I do for games. According to my extensive research our receivers last year were Torrey Jones and Omar Bolden. No wonder we had a tough time airing it out. As you saw, it wasn't my fault. The backup quarterback Blaze Galbert struggled, too. And then our tight end Carl Hyde was hurt, too. It was a rough year, but Chip Jones is going to turn things around. I like the idea of drafting this guy Laquon Trackwell from Mississippi State. I watched so much film of him - more so than my actual games - and I like that he's a small, fast receiver I can just chuck it downfield to.
Philadelphia Eagles: Cody Kessler, QB, USC
(By Matt Miller, NFL Draft guy with sources)
Sources have told me that the 49ers will absolutely not pass up on Laquon Trackwell with the seventh pick in the draft. My sources are impeccable. They also said that the Eagles will absolutely not pass on Cody Kessler with the eighth pick.
First about the 49ers, the receivers last year were Torrey Jones and Omar Bolden. No wonder they had a tough time airing it out. As you saw, it wasn't my fault. The backup quarterback Blaze Galbert struggled, too. And then their tight end Carl Hyde was hurt, too.
Let's take a break and talk about people I don't like on Twitter. That @walterfootball guy really chaps my hide! I wasted an entire afternoon writing an article about a stupid tweet he posted one time. It was so cool! He then had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to match his donation to help abused children, but I ignored him on Facebook. I unfriended him to show him who's boss! He definitely learned his lesson. You should never say anything on Twitter unless it conforms to consensus, PC groupthink. Other opinions and statements absolutely need to be discounted without a second thought.
OK, back to my sourced information. I have some news on the Browns. My sources say they'll take Laquon Treadwell with the No. 2 pick. The source told me directly, you know what they need most? A receiver Johnny Manziel can throw to. Everyone he threw to last year sucked. They didn't want to come out to the clubs and hang out with me. "We have NFL futures," they said. He need a new receiver to throw to, so here's one. I know the news says that the Browns cut me, but he was never told this, so he's going to assume the media is out to get me again.
OK, that's all the news I have! It's all straight from personal sources I guarantee I spoke to, and I know my editors won't get a cease and desist this time. I'll be back with more soon unless I find more mildly offensive things on Twitter to write about!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Cardale Jones, QB, Ohio State
(By Shaun King, white guy pretending to be black)
What up y'all. Shaun King here to talk NFL Draft even tho I know nothin' bout football 'round hmyall. Why everyone disrexpecting me by confusin' me with the Shaun King who used to play for the Bucs? I guess I'll take it as a compliment because he's black and I wish I could be a brotha, too, I mean I totally am a brotha, round hmyall.
It is clear what the Buccaneer need to do, round hmyall. They gotta select a black quarterback to prove to da NFL that brothas like myself can play QB and white guys all cannot. Then they gotta find a white QB and burn him at the stake because the cops be hatin' on black folk like myself because I am totally black I swear. Seriously. Cops be hatin'. Round hmyall.
New York Giants: No One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(By Tom Coughlin, former Giants coach - thanks, Jeremy L.)
Eli Manning was supposed to make this pick, but I poisoned him so I could be the guy delivering this great pick. Guess who I am picking for the Giants? NO ONE, that's who. You know what I hate about the Giants? That bozo Jerry Reese stuck me with the worst players of all time, but I still won two Super Bowls, and how do they thank me? By telling me I can declare that I'm resigning when they really fired me. Here are some other things I hate about the Giants: They stuck me with the parking spot on the tree so all the birds pooped on my car! I kept asking for a new spot but they kept telling me it was the old man spot. F***ers. You know what else I hated about the Giants? I had to coach my damn son-in-law! Guy was a dumba**. And speaking of dumba**es, what about Eli Manning? I wish I could have stuck my foot in his a**. Show some damn emotion, moron! You know what else I hate about the Giants? The team name! It's offensive to little people because it made little people feel bad! I know that Matt Miller guy agrees with me! You know what else I hate about the Giants? The damn colors! You know what else I hate about the Giants? Plaxico Burress shot himself and I had to deal with that bulls***. You know what else I hate about the Giants? I had like eight face surgeries because of the damn cold weather and they didn't pay for it! You know what else I hate about the Giants? A lot more, but WalterFootball is kicking me off because he says I'm rambling, so I'm going to complain about him next time!
Chicago Bears: Multiple Players
(By Evil Chris Berman, anchor on ESPN Evil)
Welcome to the 2016 annual National Football League selection meeting, I am your host, Evil Chris Berman, who, like the scumbags from Evil NFL Network, escaped the evil dimension and found my way here to terrorize everyone.
Since I only have one pick to work with, I'm going to assign multiple prospects here so I can use my puns. They are so horrible that people will experience vomiting and ear bleeding when they hear them!
"I got a case of" Laremy Tunsil"-itis and didn't get it fixed, so I have sores that bleed all over my throat."
"I built a" DeForest "fire" Buckner "and didn't put it out because I wanted all of the wildlife to die."
Joey "Who's the" Bosa? "I am, so get me a damn sandwich and a beer, woman."
Sheldon "is at the bottom of my power" Rankins "because he's a giant turd."
Su'a "is such a p***y that he is" Cravens.
Eli "Eve took a bite of the" Apple "because all women are giant c**ts."
That's all I have for now. Are your ears bleeding? Are you puking? If so, good. If not, I'll think of other great nicknames.
New Orleans Saints: Peyton Manning, QB, Tennessee
(By Phil Simms, drone)
Oh boy, I can't wait to do this pick, Jim. We talked about it, Jim, and we talked about how I've wanted to do my own pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft, Jim. We talked about it, and then we talked about it some more, and then we talked about how we talked about it, Jim. Then we talked about talking about it and how we talked about talking about it while talking about how we talked about it, Jim. The point is that we talked about it, Jim. We talked about how much the tables have switched, Jim. They switched because I didn't do a pick in the Celebrity Mock Draft before, Jim, and now I'm doing it, Jim, and that's something we talked about, tables switching, Jim. I'm always weary of when tables switch, Jim, except now, and we talked about it, Jim, we talked about how tables can switch if Peyton Manning is involved, Jim. We talked about it, Jim, we talked about our love for Peyton Manning and how we love to rub our nipples whenever we watch him, Jim. We rub our nipples and touch ourselves elsewhere, Jim, but I don't need to tell you, Jim, since we talked about, Jim. If we didn't talk about it, the tables would be switching, but since we talked about it, Jim, no tables are switching right now, Jim.
I take my ownership of the Dolphins very seriously. That is why I'd like to announce the firing of Adam Gase. Adam is a nice young man, but he didn't take my Miami Dolphins to the playoffs, like he promised. He asked for three years to put us in contention, but I told him he'd have to get us there in three months. He looked worried and said that this would be impossible. I told him not to worry and that I believed he was the next Bill Belichick. Well, I'm here to admit that I was wrong. Adam was no Belichick; he was Art Shell. There's no excuse for not reaching the playoffs in three months. None.
I've decided to go in a different direction for my head coach. I've decided to hire Celine Dion. She fits better with what the Miami Dolphins stand for because she's an A-list celebrity, much like Gloria Estefan, Jan from the Toyota commercials and Cody from Step by Step, all of whom are my special guests every home game. Celine will coach us to the playoffs. She's the next Bill Belichick, after all. Having said that, if she doesn't reach the playoffs in three months, she'll be on her way out as well.
Oakland Raiders: Checked Privilege of WalterFootball
(By PC Principal, leader of horrible people on Twitter - thanks Jonathan L.)
My name's PC Principal, and I was given a pick in this Celebrity Mock Draft. I was able to read the rest of the picks before making this one, and what the f*** is this? Seriously, what the f*** is this? This WalterFootball guy needs to get his privilege checked if he wants to make fun of Caitlyn Jenner. F***ing Caitlyn Jenner is stunning and brave, and she's a beautiful woman. You can't get away with making fun of her, bro. And what's this about making fun of Johnny Manziel, bro? Wooo wooo wooo! Making fun of people for drinking more than the human body can tolerate on average is not cool, bro. And what about Colin Kaepernick? Implying that he's stupid and doesn't know his teammates' names because of he doesn't have white skin like you do? Someone needs to check your f***ing privilege, bro! And what's this about Shaun King? The man is black, even though all the facts say he's white. If he wants to be black, then he's f***ing black, and he's stunning and brave just like Caitlyn Jenner, bro. This site is lost in a f***ing time warp. Where are the ethnic and racial minorities working for this s*** hole? This is the last time I'm coming here. Suck it, WalterFootball.
Los Angeles Rams: Relocation
(By Stan Kroenke, Rams owner)
Hey guys, Stan Kroenke here, owner from the Rams. I agreed to do this pick even though I had a mustache combing appointment today. That's how dedicated I am to football and my Rams. Trust me, I'm the biggest Ram fan out there, and my decision to move to Los Angeles had nothing to do with money. It had everything to do with the welfare of my team, and I think being in the great city of Los Angeles will give us a tremendous advantage. Our best player, Tom Gurley, played for the University of California, so he'll be used to Pacific Coast time. The same goes for our great defensive end, Jon Quinn, and our other great end, Jake Long. Are you impressed that I know all of the players on my team? Well, don't be. I am the greatest Rams fan ever, after all. I... wait, hold on, I just got a text. It's the mayor of Nuut, Greenland, and he said he's offering me $5 billion to move there. Ready or not, here come my Rams, Nuut!
Detroit Lions: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
(By Matt Millen, kielbasa-stuffer)
I'll admit it's a bit awkward that I'm picking for the Lions again after they dismissed me. It's awkward because I've been sneaking into Calvin Johnson's room each night and inserting kielbasas into his backside when he's been sound asleep. I've thrusted so hard that blood eventually comes out, but he doesn't wake up because I've been drugging him each night. I guess it's finally taken its toll because he has retired. What a fa**ot. I've made several of my 100-percent USDA Men bleed each night via my kielbasas, and yet they don't complain. Some even throw up, but this is a welcome sight because I smear my kielabsas in their vomit and insert it into their backsides once again. It's messy, but it's also beautiful. At any rate, here's a young stallion I can ride all night long and really insert my kielbasas into. Laquon, welcome to Detroit. Be prepared for blood and vomit each night.