Last update: Sometime in the weekend of 2014. Next update: Only crazy person update his mark draft second time. Or maybe time after second time.
I'm really glad Emmitt's on Twitter. Once in a while, I get to a read a tweet like, "Here come's Mr. Woods. He's on his game today.This."
The way the sentence just ends with the word "this." The way the word "come" becomes possessive. It just brings a smile to the faces of those who follow Emmitt, which is crucial in this dreary world we live in.
Unfortunately, it's not the same as having Emmitt on TV. And as I've vowed, until someone hires him, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks.
This is what a 2014 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put his blood, sweat and cry into it.
"This mark draft had me burnin' the midnight gasoline. And gasoline become hot when he burned!"
Houston Texans: Johnny Football, QB, Texas A&M
Johnny Football almost destination to play football, don't he? When he was borned, his parents chose the first name Johnny for him, and then they also chose the last name Football for him as well. Now call me craziness, but if you a guy who have the last name Football, you bound to play football when you become grown man. Or grown woman - I do not want to be label sexism.
Johnny Football was highschool star and then he go to the college of Texas A&M. If you not from Texas and do not understand what A&M mean, it mean America and Mexico. This because Texas A&M in America, but he also next to the big city of Mexico.
Texas A&M very special school. He have something call the 12 Man. This because only 12 men only allow to go to Texas A&M college at one single moment. But there 53 player on the football team, so the math do not add up. In fact, I take a calculator and substracks 12 from 53, and I get -41. Do this mean there negative-41 student at the Texas A&M?
St. Louis Rams: No Deserve!
The Redskin was the second-worstest team in the National Conference of Leagues last season, so where do his pick go? Well, I talk to Mel Cooper from ESPN, and he tell me the Redskin have to give up pick for a trade.
This an outrageous. The Redskin mean Indian, so this just another instant where the white folk take away thing from the Indian folk. In fact, the Ram taking away everything from the Indian folk from the dawned of man. First, the Ram come to America and he take the land from Indian. Then he invite the Indian over for Thanksgiving dinner. They watch the Lion and the Cowboy play the game on TV, and then when it time for dinner, the Ram take all the turkey and mash potato away for himselves. Now, the Ram steal draft pick from the Indian.
This need to stop. The guy on NBS football channel, Bob Coskas, make a great speech about how he Indian and he offensive to the name Redskin. I do not understand what he say because Indian have skin that red color, but what need to change how everybody push Indian around and kick him off the land and make him turn to gambling addict at casino.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo
The Jaguar try his hardest to sign Alex Mack in the free agent, but the Brown do not let him. They thwart his plan with something call the transmition tag. I do not know what this mean, but it probably have to do with some kind of a transmition.
To get revengeness, the Jaguar can make the Brown very jealousy by drafting Khalil Mack, who happen to be his twin cousin. I look at the two picture on the Google, and Khalil Mack a black guy and Alex Mack a pretty girl with blond hair, but this do not mean they cannot be twin cousin. As the great Martin Luther the King once say, all man are created equal even if he have different color of skin color. But do this work for woman? He only say man created equal, but are woman equal of man? I try to call Martin Luther the King, but I cannot find his number in the phone book. I will email him and I will let you know what he say in my next mark draft.
Cleveland Browns: Teddy Waterfall, QB, Louisville
I do not mean to be racism when I say this, but what is the name of the Brown quarterback? The guy he have last year was Brandon Wheaton, but he die of old age. Then the next guy who come in Brian Foyer, who name after the room inside the house when you first walk in inside. This obviously not a good name for a quarterback. If his name was Brian Football like Johnny Football, who would be in the Pro Bolt and he would be twin brother with himselves. Then Jason Campbell play some games. Jason Campbell's father is the guy who invent Campbell Chunky Soup, so he probably should gone into the restaurant business.
The best quarterback in this draft, the cream of the wheat, is name Teddy Waterfall because he born in the waterfall. He was on the Louisville ball club that won the basketball national championship a week ago, so he know something about winning and leader ship. The Brown need a ship that have leader.
Oakland Raiders: Greg Johnson, OT, Auburn
The great John Madden, who invent video game, once say something that really battled me: When you has two quarterback you really have zero quarterback at all. I laugh at this because it make no sense to me, but then I see the Raider and it hit me like a flash of thunder. The Raider had two quarterback in the season of last season: Terrible Pryor who play real terrible. At Mike McGroin, who also terrible even though he do not have terrible in his name.
But these quarterback can mix good. For instant, Terrible Pryor throw real hard and run real quick, but he do not have intelligent and he not real accuracy. Matt McGroin throw like little girl and unmobile, but he accuracy and intelligent. The Raider need to lock these two quarterback in the room until they have sexual, then the baby going to have the goodness of both quarterback. That is, as long as he not name Terrible McGroin! They need to name himselves Pryor Mike for him to be good.
The Raider need offense lineman who block because the baby probably cannot run real quick right away. The Raider try to sign Roger Stafford in free agent, but the owner Al David say "no you cannot because he too expansive." But under the new CBS, rookie do not cost real much so the Raider can finally get the linemen he need!
Atlanta Falcons: Eric Apron, TE, North Carolina
It is a big mysterious to me why the Falcon do not make the doggone playoff in the season of last season. He have great players on the ball club, including the quarterback Ryan Matthews. Julio James and Roddy White are the receivers and they are good receiver. The running back is Steve Johnson, who use to play for Buffalo before he move to Atlanta. But he was a receiver in Buffalo, but now he a running back. He real special that he can do position swaps like this.
I do not blame Steve for leaving Buffalo. Willis McGahee once say the women of Buffalo look like ugly monster or Rosie O'Donald. But I do blame Tony Martinez for abandoning his team. The tied end who probably gonna make it to the Halls of Flame, he quit on his ball club because he sign a contract with CVS. He gonna talk on TV on Sunday and then work behind counter Monday through the day four day after Monday. He probably not even thinking about football during the season of last season because he thinking about what he gonna say on TV. And trust me, talk on TV not easy!
I'm gonna make a predict: Tony Martinez gonna be fire by CVS in two month or two year. He gonna say what I says in the Super Game: "The offense got debacled" and everyone gonna laugh at him and fire him. Then he gonna get hire by Right Aid and he also gonna fire him too!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
What a coincident that this particular draft class have two quarterback who name Johnny. It is very uncomment name. John very comment but Johnny do not have comment because of the extra alphabet at the end of the name: N and Y. If you smash those two alphabet together, it become NY, which stand for New York City, so obviously the two Johnny from the state of New York City.
The Buc gonna take the chance to draft a Johnny because he only have two quarterback on the ball club: Josh McNown and Mike Gannon. They both old quarterback so the Buc need young blood on the ball club. And young blood better than old blood because young blood younger and probably more redder.
Minnesota Vikings: Trey Miller, FB, Oklahoma
As my grandpa, Emmitt Smith Jr. the Sr. once tolded me: There two guaranteeds in life: Death and Texas. But if you gonna add a four item to this list, it is that running back - even great running back like Adrian Peters - they gonna need a great fullback to have great success. Even yours truthly. I have the great fullback Darryl Johnson leading the way. And now he talker on TV.
Peters have interesting two month. The first month he won the rushing title. Then last season he struggle because he tear his knee ACL. Peters know full well the thrill of victory and the agony of the feet.
I do some research and I determine the best fullback in the class is a guy name Trey Miller from small town of Oklahoma. He also tear his ACL too, so since Peters do the same thing he probably gonna teach Miller how to overcomed this injury. This real important because Peters is getting more older every day, so the Windex of opporunity closing real quick.
Buffalo Bills: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson
I do not understand for the light of me why some of the alphabet in the player name turn blue. It is like the girl from Charlie and the Charlie Factory when she turn blue and turn into a balloon, except the alphabet do not eat the gum. Or at least he do not eat gum when I'm looking straight at himselves!
But I digest. I say before that Steve Johnson got trade to the Falcon. This mean the Bill need a new wide receiver, even though he trade the Buc for Mike Williams. But Mike Williams have always been terrible ever since Matt Miller draft him from the college of UFC.
It is very important that the Buffalo get a good receiving. The quarterback, O.J. Manuel, who happen to be the cousin of O.J. Simpson, struggle sometime in the last season. He was only a rookie quarterback, but now that he is not a sprint chicken, he do not have much room for errors, so the Bill need to make sure he do not get stuck in the room of errors.
Detroit Lions: Evan Mikes, WR, Texas A&M
I always very frustrating when the ground dog see his shadow because that mean there will be six more months of winter. But what if there was animal who could make a predict of six years of no doggone playoff when he see his shadow. He would always see these for the Lion. Ground lion do not make sense to me. The animal need to rhyme with dog. Ground frog do not make sense because the frog live in the river. Ground octopus also do not make sense because he also live in the river too.
What is wrong with the Lion is so simple. He rely on Calvin Johnson too much. Calvin only one man, and there are 15 guys on the football team. So one out of 15 is very low percent, maybe like 25 percent.
Now, I know what you thinking - Emmitt, the Lion sign Golden State in free agent. This true, but Golden State not worth being on a roster. The Lion probably owe his father a favor so they giving money to his son to be charity. Very charity.
Tennessee Titans: Blake Portles, QB, Central Florida
Jake Locker always bite by the injury bug. The injury bug very pesky because he so small you can't even seened him. But Ryan Fitzgerald play almost the whole season for the Titan last month. And he do not have relation to Larry Fitzgerald because he not good at football. This obvious because he play in the Ivy League before which is not good like the NFL League. The Ivy League like the XFL - a guy like Vince McDonald think he can make a bunch of football club, but all the football club have terrible player! The XFL fail, and the Ivy League gonna fail too!
Blake Portles name after a hole and you go in the hole and you cout the other slide.
New York Giants: Derek Carrs, QB, Fresno State
I read article the other month that say the Giant very worried that Eli Manning getting really long in the mouth. They have right to be concern. Eli Manning almost as old as his dad Archer Manning right now!
Speaking of father-son combination, David Carr, who once the No. 1 pick, have a son name Derek Carrs. The Giant know something about father-son combination, so why do he not draft Derek Carrs? The apple do not fall far from the orange, after all, so Derek Carrs probably going to be a great quarterback in the National Conference of Leagues like his father.
St. Louis Rams: Jadeveon Clown, DE, South Carolina
The Ram have the second-worstest record in the National League of Football which explain why he draftin' second in the draft. But why he also drafting 13 too? He a thief, which is bad unless he like Robin Hood, who steal from the poor to give to the rich.
Jadeveon Clown do not try hard last season so he do not deserve to be the first pick in the draft. Or the second pick or third pick for that manner. The Ram have Roberto Quinn on the defensive end but last time I check the death chart team need to have to defensive end, so Clown can play on the same position on the Ram as Roberto Quinn.
Cleveland Browns: Jordan Matthews, OT, Vanderbilt State
I think Mark Trustman make a big mistake last month when he decide to go with Jay Cutlers after he come back from injure. The old guy Josh McNown do a good job in his absent, but Trustman do not have any trust in old guy, so he go with Cutlers again. As consequent, the Bear lose to the Packer in the final week of the unregular season, which mean he do not go to the doggone playoff.
Since the Bear can use old guy as the quarterback position, he can trade Cutlers to Cleveland, who then need a good tackle to protect Cutlers. The Brown trade this pick for Cutlers then use it to take Jordan Matthews, the great tackle from Vanderbilt State. I watch lots of films on Jordan Matthews, and I can tell you he real good. He almost as good as his father, Bruce Jordan, who in the Hall of Flame.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ha Ha Dix-Clinton, S, Alabama
One of the humorest name I heard in a long time is Ha Ha Dix-Clinton, and not just because Ha Ha mean laugh in kid Internet language. I actually made my son laugh when I say do Dix-Clinton have a brother name LOL Dix-Clinton or a cousin name LMOAF Dix-Clinton. If you do not understand kid Internet language like I does, LMOAF mean Laugh My Off... And... I forget last alphabet meaning.
Ha Ha Dix-Clinton very humorest to me because it name after the Bill Clinton-Harmonica Linksy scandal. The girl Harmonica give sexual to Bill Clinton in the ghost office. He then lie and say she try to rape me. Then Harmonica Linksy arrest and put in jail. As common knowledge say, the other name for Bill is Dick, so Dix-Clinton obviously a running joke in his own family. I just hope no one try to rape himselves.
Dallas Cowboys: Emmitt Smith V III, RB, Florida
Everybody make a mistake when he talking about the Cowboy. He always say he have 500 records, but if the Cowboy have 500 records, he gonna have a lot of records because 500 is a big number. It so big it is even more than a billion!
As it stand now, the Cowboy very averageness. To change these, Jimmy Jones need to do something about this. I detail a 10-step plan to help the Cowboy get over the humps and get the 500 record he deserve.
1. Trade Tony Romo. He always going to choke or injure. 2. Fire Jason Gadget. He not a very good coach and he had red hair like blood. 3. Get rid of giant TV in the stadium. The Cowboy always losing at this stadium because he always watching himselves on the TV. 6. Jimmy Jones need to get a new guy to clean his glasses because this guy not doing good job. 7. Draft my son Emmitt Smith V III. He use to be name Emmitt Smith IV Jr. but since he got growned up, he increasing his number both time. 5. Give the ball to Dez Brian. Because he a good player. But the Cowboy need to find quarterback to throw ball to Brian after he trade Romo away for nothing!