The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 6, 2014
Al Davis changed everything when he pressed his red button at Gillette Stadium on Sunday afternoon. Emmitt spoke proper English; Josh McDaniels admitted that his offense wasn't "awesome;" Romeo Crennel didn't want to eat the thousands of cookies he bought at the store; Anthony Morelli was sober; and Davis himself felt the urge to sacrifice a prostitute instead of his standard virgin.
While the phenomenon was at first believed to be localized to the New England area, it quickly became apparent that everything was different around the entire NFL. Seven days later, things around the league were still loopy.
In New York, the Jets-Steelers game was interrupted when Calvin Johnson, Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald entered the stadium and approached Eric Mangini.
"Eric, you are so cool," Calvin said. "Can we hang out with you?"
"Yeah, that would be awesome," Moss chimed in. "Your sleepovers are famous for being a great time!"
Mangini left begrudgingly with his three friends, muttering how much he wanted to hang out with Shannon Sharpe instead. Sharpe, meanwhile, was busy applying for a job as a speech therapist at the local grade school.
"People can actually understand me now," Sharpe said. "It's amazing. Before, only Eric Mangini got what I was saying. Eric's such a dork; I don't even know why I wanted to hang out with him before."
After the Steelers-Jets game, Mike Tomlin invited some unusual friends to his press conference. A few years ago, Tomlin became famous for banishing Santa Claus from his press conference. Last year, he even killed the Easter Bunny and ate him for dinner. But Tomlin apparently had a change of heart. Among those who attended the press conference were the Tooth Fairy, Peter Pan, Bambi, Count Chocula and Toucan Sam. In fact, Tomlin invited so many of his friends that there wasn't any room for the reporters.
In Tampa Bay, the Buccaneers were easily able to dispatch the Chiefs, thanks to Byron Leftwich's quick release. The past 10 years, a sun dial has been needed to time Leftwich's release. Now, the Guinness Book of World Record wants to interview Leftwich because his throwing motion is faster than the speed of light. In fact, the Tampa Bay players who were around Leftwich when he passed the ball went back through time.
Cadillac Williams, who was sucked through one of the vortexes, went back to the 1950s and was lost forever because his mother, who was a teenager back then, fell in love with him and refused to marry his father. Cadillac tried to change her mind at the Under the Sea dance at the high school, but he disappeared before finishing the job.
Still, it must be noted that Kansas City made things easy for the Buccaneers. The Chiefs, who have a roster comprised of Tim Tebow and 52 Tebow clones (thanks to Tom Cruise's alien technology), didn't have a single player available on Sunday. All 53 Tebows were off at the church having an orgy with several suddenly promiscuous nuns.
In Indianapolis, Peyton Manning announced earlier in the week that he would be canceling all of his sponsorships. He told the media that he was sick of advertising products he didn't believe in or never heard of before.
However, things haven't been going well for Peyton since. Only three days later, Peyton was evicted from his castle because he couldn't pay the mortgage. The next day, he was spotted living in a cardboard box on the side of the road.
"Zzz... DirecTV... Zzz... watch all the NFL games on DirecTV," a grizzled Manning said in his sleep. "Zzz... Gatorade... Zzz... Trojan condoms... Zzz... very funny guys..."
Peyton's brother Eli, meanwhile, didn't show up to his game either. Eli shouted at his father the day before, telling him that he never wanted to play in New York, and that it was his dream to be the starting quarterback in San Diego. Eli also told his dad that he was sick of getting toy trains and stuffed animals for his birthday, and wanted things that "big boys play with."
Eli may get his wish. Well, not the birthday wish; but rather the San Diego aspiration. Philip Rivers announced that he has begun dating Jay Cutler. The two had been at odds for years, but Rivers recently told the media that all the hostility stemmed from a mutual physical attraction. He also hinted that the two could be moving to Afghanistan to live as a happily married couple. Since Al Davis pushed his red button, Afghanistan has developed a capitalist economy and the people in that country consequently have stopped being douche bags, and are no longer jealous of America.
Meanwhile, at Orchard Park, the Patriots defeated the Bills, 63-0. Anthony Morelli, looking completely sharp and focused for the first time in his life, tossed nine touchdown passes to Darrius Heyward-Bey. Heyward-Bey set an NFL record for most receptions in a game without a dropped pass.
Of course, it helped that the Bills didn't have a good game plan going in. Buffalo head coach Boomer Esiason seemed to spend all of his energy honoring Dan Marino at halftime. Marino honored by the Bills? Esiason explained during his halftime speech.
"Dan Marino is the best quarterback of all time," Esiason said to the crowd. "I love Dan Marino. I want to have sex with Dan Marino. Dan Marino has great opinions, and it doesn't matter at all that he didn't win a Super Bowl. Dan Marino needs to be honored by every team in the NFL, and it's a disgrace that no one except for the Dolphins have done so. Dan Marino is the single best human being who has ever lived, and I can only hope that I can be as great as Dan Marino one day."
Emmitt, meanwhile, was pleased with the victory.
"This was unequivocally my most paramount victory as the head coach of the New England Patriots," Emmitt said. "We were very fortunate that Boomer Esiason indulged himself with that nonsensical celebration for that perennial loser."
Back in the FOX studios, the usually well-spoken Howie Long criticized Esiason for not paying attention to the game.
"It is an absolute disgracement - an absolutely disgracement," Long said, looking rather disoriented. "On this day, people remember that on this day, Boomer Eastwing have debacled himselves like no man have debacled himselves before in the history of this planet and maybe even in the history of this decades!"
As you can see, everything has been warped. Even our newsroom is different. Here at the NFL Bible Network, we had no problem making stories up if it brought traffic to our Web site. But now, everyone is carefully checking their sources.
So, with that in mind, I'd like to use this space to say that my name is Alex Rodriguez, and I knowingly used steroids. I know in the past I said that my brother, my cousin, and my uncle's step-sister's cousin's dog's previous owner's grandmother's former classmate's nephew bought the steroids for me and injected them into my buttocks in my sleep, but I'd like to come clean:
I injected the steroids into my buttocks - and it felt great.