Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 15
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
CONSPIRACY HAS COMMISSIONER OUTRAGED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 13, 2016
And here we thought Colt McCoy was just injury-prone.
As you may know by now, Steelers linebacker James Harrison crushed the Cleveland quarterback's ribs with a war hammer during Sunday's contest. To his chagrin, Harrison was whistled for a 15-yard penalty because it was a late hit.
"Good sir, there was no way that was a late hit," Harrison was overheard yelling at the ref who threw the yellow flag. "That was perfectly clean, and if I may remark, you are doing a uninspired job officiating this football match."
Harrison was suspended for one game, but that wasn't the major story to come out of this development. McCoy, who couldn't even breathe because Harrison's war hammer struck him so violently in the rib area, wasn't even evaluated by the medical staff. Head coach Pat Shurmur told McCoy to take the field.
"I don't want any f***ing pansies on my team," Shurmur growled after the game. "Breathing is not important. Winning football games is important, even meaningless ones when you're out of playoff contention. Ha! And now I'm hearing that Colt's dad is once again criticizing me for not sitting his son. Well, his son is a f***ing p***y."
McCoy was hospitalized afterward and kept in the ICU overnight. Shurmur announced that McCoy will likely start next week's contest.
"If that piece-of-s*** loser doesn't play, I'm going to call James Harrison and his awesome war hammer into the hospital to teach that chicken wuss a lesson," Shurmur said.
Shurmur may have to contact Harrison's boss, however. News broke Monday evening that Harrison was actually paid off to slam a war hammer into McCoy's ribs. According to ESPN's Adam Schefter, former receiver Sam Hurd was the one pulling the strings.
Hurd, who sucked so much in the NFL that he had to allegedly resort to selling cocaine and marijuana for a living, reportedly paid Harrison $20 million and five kilos of cat urine.
But why? We're all miffed. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, meanwhile, is understandably furious.
"I was in the middle of having someone paint a portrait of myself when I got the call," Goodell fumed. "Why would one of the worst receivers in NFL history want McCoy destroyed by a war hammer? Ugh. Now I'm stressing so much that I'm breaking out. My self-portrait is going to look hideous!"
Goodell told the media that he's going to take every necessary step to get to the bottom of this. And by every step, he meant one step, as in calling the Skittle Warriors.
"I brought these guys in for a reason," Goodell said. "They're on NFL payroll to fight crime so that I may spend valuable time enjoying my own awesomeness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must undress so the artist may finish painting my two-foot manhood. That's right."
We should have word on what the Skittle Warriors discover in this case in the near future. Stay tuned for now.
SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Dec. 16, 2016
Who would have thought that the Skittle Warriors would actually come through? They've stopped Sam Hurd's plan to destroy Colt McCoy. And as it turns out, McCoy was just being a responsible role model.
Lt. Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, was the one who connected the dots.
"Eh yo... haha... uhh... guy was in school and he talk and talk and talk and den other guy come in and he angry! Very angry! Haha, eh yo... and uhh... haha... huh?" Morelli said.
For those of you who need a translator, Morelli revealed that McCoy gave a D.A.R.E. presentation in front of a first-grade class at the local elementary school in an attempt to warn the kids the danger of doing drugs. Video tape archives revealed that Sam Hurd was in the audience.
"We saw Mr. Hurd sitting in the audience, but we didn't think anything of it," said Principal Richard Belding. "Mr. Hurd was a terrible football player, so we assumed he was back in school to get his education. That, or Zach Morris was up to something again. He's always trying to pull a fast one on me, but I've got him right where I want him!"
So, what would Hurd being doing at a first-grade assembly? You may find this hard to believe, but the 6-year-olds are some of Hurd's most valuable clients.
A video tape of an actual drug transaction was brought to us. In it, Hurd is seen exchanging eight kilos of cat urine with first-grader Ike Broflovski for various snacks, including five Kit-Kats, nine Hershey bars and 20 bags of Skittles. As you can imagine, this made the Yellow Skittle very frustrated.
"Eh yo, small guy trade color yummy ball to black guy!" Morelli bellowed. "Eh yo, eh yo, eh yo, I so angry, eh yo, eh yo, eh yo, very angry, me want color yummy ball!"
Finding proof of Hurd's transactions was just half the battle. The Skittle Warriors had to catch Hurd in the act to lock him up for good. Cmdr. Marshawn Lynch, the Green Skittle, was up to the task.
"Yeahhh, rockin da beast mode thang," Green Skittle said. "Yeaaahhh yeeaaaahhhh yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhh."
For those of you who need a translator, Lynch revealed that he dressed up as a first-grader to go undercover. To do so, he wore a t-shirt that said, "I'm 6 years old - no, really. Please do not touch me in my no-no special place, Jerry Sandusky!" Hurd approached him within seconds, and we have a taped recording of the transaction:
Sam Hurd: Hey kid, heh, wanna buy some cat urine? Eight pieces of candy for a kilo. And no footballs. I don't know what to do with those things, heh.
Marshawn Lynch: Yeaaahhh. Yeeeaaaahhhhhhh.
Sam Hurd: What do ya got, kid? Snickers? Heh. Milky Way? Heh. My favorites are Skittles, even though they resemble footballs. That game never made too much sense to me, heh.
Marshawn Lynch: Yeaaahhhhhh. Yeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh.
Sam Hurd: You got Skittles then, kid? Heh. I'll take all your Skittles. Just don't throw them at me because I can't catch, heh. Yeah, just hand them too me like that, yeah.
Marshawn Lynch: Yeaahhh. Beast Mode, yeahhhhh.
Sam Hurd: Beast Mode? Wait, you're no kid - you're Marshawn Lynch!
Marshawn Lynch: Yeaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Beast Mode.
Sam Hurd: Wait, don't cuff me! I'll make it worth your while. I got lots of cat urine. And a new Alex Rodriguez urine product about to launch, heh. It'll make you real strong, heh.
Hurd's pleas didn't help. He is now locked behind bars, hopefully for good this time. McCoy, meanwhile, is making a full recovery.
"I learned an important lesson today," McCoy said after hearing of Hurd's arrest. "No matter how many times you talk to kids in school, they're going to react to drugs and stuff based on how they were raised by their parents, so it should be the parents' responsib - no, wait, no, James Harrison, put the war hammer down, Sam Hurd was arrested! Ahhhhhh!!!"
We're willing to bet that McCoy will be in the starting lineup this upcoming Sunday.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 24
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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