The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
ARIAN FOSTER INJURED; PROBABLE FOR NEW ENGLAND GAME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2016
Arian Foster just doesn't learn from his mistakes. Several years ago, Foster tweeted an MRI of his hamstring. Doctors examined the picture and determined that he wouldn't be available for the opener. This gave Indianapolis a competitive advantage, allowing the Colts to lose by only 27 points.
"Thass gave us insidessss informationsss," said a drunken Kerry Collins sitting outside of a Penn State frat house, reminiscing about his playing days. "Shhhh... don't telllssss anyonesss I - hic - wassss drrrunk thaaaa wholessss seassonsssss."
Anyone who recalls the 2011 season and how miserable the Colts were that year shouldn't be surprised by Collins' drunken admission, but that's beside the point. The story is Foster, who once again tweeted a picture of an injury.
Foster's malady is unusual. While most football players suffer torn ACLs, hamstring pulls and broken collar bones on the football field, Foster's injury occurred while he was surfing the Web.
"I was listening to the Chris Brown wedding video on YouTube, and then I wondered, where was Chris Brown born, what is his favorite food and does he like to take long walks on the beach? I just had to find out, so I went on Wikipedia," Foster revealed. "I went on Wikipedia, and bam, I chipped my nail when I held down the shift button for the first letter of Chris Brown's name."
Foster then took to Twitter and posted a jpeg of his chipped nail.
"The white stuff surrounding the fingernail is known in the medical world as my finger nail, but the chipped stuff is known as anti-awesomeness," Foster wrote.
ESPN doctors quickly observed the picture and pronounced Foster as probable for Week 1. Just like last time, Foster took offense to this on Twitter.
"4 those sincerely concerned, I'm doing ok & plan 2 B back by opening day. 4 those worried abt your fantasy team, shut up and die!!!"
Foster then proceeded to close his Twitter account, abandoning his 17.5 million followers. One follower, Patriots head coach JaMarcus Russell, was confused by the situation.
"Foster show picture of finger, do ya tink so?" Russell asked/said. "Finger one... finger two... finger three... finger four... finger five... I have five finger on hand, do ya tink so?"
It's good to see that Emmitt has left the Patriots in good hands.
ARIAN FOSTER SUSPENDED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 23, 2016
The New England Patriots won't have to worry about Arian Foster on Sunday. Roger Goodell announced that he has suspended the Houston Texan running back for five games, though Foster said he'll issue an appeal Tuesday.
"I did nothing to deserve this suspension," Foster declared. "All I did was punish the guilty. There's nothing wrong with that."
Foster wasn't kidding when he tweeted that those concerned with their fantasy teams should "shut up and die" prior to closing his Twitter account. Using a combination of Facebook, Twitter, Google Maps and Eric Mangini's stalker book, Foster raided the homes of 606 fantasy football owners. He killed some, assaulted others, and even made a few watch several episodes of The Big Bang Theory.
"I really feel sorry for the ones who watched The Big Bang Theory," Foster admitted. "I don't know if they'll ever recover from that. Death would have been more merciful."
Foster was quickly arrested and sent to jail, where he will be held without bond. As he was being escorted away in handcuffs, Foster was heard shouting, "Next time, a**hole fantasy owners will be concerned about me and not their fantasy team, muhahahahaha!"
Foster won't be eligible to play at New England, but Roger Goodell made sure he suspended Foster for a few games anyway.
"We must protect the fantasy player," Goodell declared. "They, along with the bettors, are the ones who pay my salary. Without them, I cannot afford to build platinum, diamond and gold statues of myself. What am I to do without multiple statues of myself in every NFL city?"
The NFL Players Association wasn't pleased with Goodell's decision.
"Even though Foster will be ineligible to play football until after his trial, it is important that he not be suspended," said NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. "That a**hole Roger Goodell shouldn't be able to suspend anyone. Only when I say so, and I will say so never!"
Smith convinced Foster to appeal the suspension, but it's already too late to do that for the matchup against the Patriots. The hearing will take place on Tuesday.
For some analysis of these proceedings, we bumped into Emmitt, who was taking a break from ESPN's 63-hour Sunday NFL Countdown show. Emmitt offered his opinion on Foster's arrest and suspension.
"I do not like capital punishing because the capital of the United States of American is Washington, and the country of Washington have a football team called the Redskin, who is the arch rival of the Cowboy," Emmitt opined.
"But what Adrian Foster do is not good," Emmitt continued. "In fact, it is bad. Very bad. When a man prepare to meet his baker, you let him meet that baker. But do not show him a show about two nerd, a hot girl and a robot which name for a science theory that Florida and Texas created from two people havin' sexuals. Big sexuals."
Yes, it's true. Texas and Florida were both nonexistent prior to the Big Bang. There were just empty holes on the map.