The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Nov. 17, 2016
The NFL Bible Network first reported that Michael Vick was caught raping a dog in the Eagles' locker room. Please click on the link to read about what happened, and how new Philadelphia defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky caught the star quarterback taking advantage of a 10-year-old German Shepherd.
As reported last week, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell fired Joe Paterno from being a former Penn State football coach because he "knew more than he led on."
Penn State Board of Trustees Overlord John Surma took things one step further.
"Former former Penn State football head coach Joe Paterno was clearly part of a huge cover-up, and he clearly conspired with the Nittany Lion statue," Surma announced to a mob of angry journalists.
Surma declared that the famous Nittany Lion statue would be destroyed.
"I don't have all the facts, but the Nittany Lion statue could have prevented more dogs from getting raped," Surma said. "The Nittany Lion statue knew what was going on, yet it didn't go to the police. That's why it's very important for me to announce this right away. I could have waited until Sunday morning to prevent a possible riot, but it was prudent for me to hold this press conference Saturday at 11 p.m., despite the fact that the entire student body has been drinking for a couple of hours."
The Nittany Lion statue isn't the only thing/person in hot water. Sandusky, who blew the whistle on Vick to begin with, is being questioned.
"Why didn't Sandusky interrupt the dog raping?" wrote Yahoo's Michael Silver. "All I know is that I would have separated Vick from the poor dog being raped, even though Vick is a minority, which means he is way more awesome and cooler and smarter than us stupid white folk, so I would have given Vick a golden star for being better than me."
But did Sandusky break up the dog rape? Consider the following two statements:
"I didn't do anything because I was scared and then I called my dad and then we went to Andy Reid's house and then he said something about taking full responsibility and then I left and then I ate macaroni and cheese and then I took a shower and then I played Wii and then people asked me questions about it and then people told me I could coach and then people told me I couldn't coach and then people got mad at me and then people threatened me and then I started double fisting," Sandusky said in the grand jury report, which was released Monday.
"I broke everything up - I stopped the dog rape!" Sandusky exclaimed in an interview with NBC's Bob Costas. "But no, I don't believe Vick is attracted to dogs because... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... he just likes to be around them and caress their legs and stick his wee-wee in their butt holes."
Emmitt Smith, still acting as Sandusky's lawyer, addressed the media shortly afterward.
"The fact about my cline Jerry Sanders are miscombobulated," Emmitt said. "My cline never saw Marcus Vick havin' sexuals with a dog in the bath tub. Maybe since Andy Reid went to the policeman to report the dog sexual, perhaps he havin' sexual with the dog in the shower tub."
Despite being Sandusky's lawyer, it doesn't appear that Emmitt has a grasp of the situation. But we're not arguing his lawyer skills after he confused the jury and got Sandusky off from all child rape charges.
Vick's lawyer is good as well. The judge presiding over this case announced that Vick would serve a 2-month sentence. Meanwhile, former Packer defensive tackle Johnny Jolly just received 150 years in prison for violating parole.
Jolly, who previously received a 6-year sentence for abusing cough syrup, was recently caught with some Tylenol PM.
"I love my Tylenol PM, it's my best friend in the whole wide world," cried Jolly as he was being taken away in handcuffs.
So, Vick gets two months for dog rape, yet Jolly has to serve 150 years for Tylenol PM? Yeah, seems about right to us.
VICK ARTICLE REACTION
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 18, 2016
Michael Vick is in trouble again, so it's only natural that the national media would come to his rescue. Included in this is Toure, who wrote an article entitled What if Michael Vick were White? five years ago.
Toure magically penned another column hours after it was announced that Vick would have to spend two months in prison for raping a 10-year-old German Shepherd in the showers. Here's an excerpt:
But after his arrest for dog raping, so many people asked: Would a white football player have gotten nearly two months in prison for what Vick did to the dog's behind?
This question makes me cringe. It is so facile, naive, shortsighted and flawed that it is meaningless. Whiteness comes with great advantages, like not getting beaten up by cops, but it's not a get-out-of-every-crime-free card. Raping dogs is a heinous crime that disgusts and frightens many Americans. I'm certain white privilege would not be enough to rescue a white NFL star caught raping dogs.
This is not to say there aren't insights to be gained from hypotheticals. One pertinent question: If Vick grew up with the paternal support that white kids are more likely to have, would he have been involved in dog raping? I ask this not to look for an excuse but to explore the roots of his behavior. Vick's stunningly stupid moral breakdown with respect to dog raping is certainly related to the culture of the world he grew up in, which he says fully embraced dog raping. His friends all raped dogs in alleyways. They all stuck their wee-wees into the buttockses of pit bulls. But it's also related to the household he grew up in.
Vick's father, Michael Boddie, was not a positive influence on him growing up. Boddie admitted to The Washington Post that he was a dog rape promoter. He says he often prepared the family garage so Vick could rape dogs there. At some point in Vick's youth, his father became estranged from the family. This breakdown of Vick's paternal relationship is a pattern that's all too common among black men of his generation. Too many are left to define manhood on their own, so they gravitate toward the most charismatic and inspiring men in their world. Sometimes those men are gritty local sports coaches who teach them the value of hard work, but sometimes they're ghetto celebrities who are presidents of foundations that help young dogs in dire situations. And sometimes those presidents touch those dogs inappropriately, and sometimes they "horse" around with those dogs in the shower.
Media reaction to this was mostly pro-Vick.
"It's not Michael Vick's fault that he raped dogs in the shower," said Around the Horn star Bomani Jones. "Michael Vick has proven time and again that he's a better person than Tim Tebow. Tebow is a horrible, horrible quarterback, and he is pure evil."
Mike Ditka echoed those words.
"Anyone who doesn't believe Michael Vick deserves a second chance should be ashamed of thems..." Ditka almost said. "So what if he was caught raping a dog in the sh... People make mist... Michael Vick's a great person."
All of the other ESPN personalities praised Vick, but bashed Jerry Sandusky, Andy Reid, Johnny Jolly and most of all, the Nittany Lion statue, for not doing enough. Well, all except for Emmitt.
"Everyone body say that Michael Vick make a mistakement, but I disagree - very disagree," Emmitt said. "What happen? Did he fall naked in the shower, and his manhoodness fall on the dog backside? This do not make very sensical to me, but if he hire me as his lawyerman, I will make sure that the glove do not fit and the jury must quit."
It's so sad that Emmitt can be bought off so easily, but I guess that's just the world we live in today.