The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2016
Like many of you, we've barely tolerated Merril Hoge for years. We've listened to his inane analysis, inexplicable bias toward certain quarterbacks and incoherent exclamations about "factor backs," and what not.
Little did we know that as Hoge was making countless appearances on ESPN, he was plotting to destroy the world.
Hoge, as always, was one of the analysts on the watered-down version of NFL Primetime on Monday. He had the following to say about Robert Griffin's performance in a blowout victory Sunday.
"When I look at Robert Griffin, I see a terrible throwing motion and poor mechanics," Hoge said. "I don't care if he's winning games by the score of 59-0 every week. The guy is overrated and no good. The Browns need to utilize their factor back. Their factor back! FACTOR BACK!"
As Hoge shouted those final two words, the ground shook. It then split open, with lava gushing everywhere. Trey Wingo and Trent Dilfer were mercifully sucked into the crevasse.
And then suddenly, something emerged. It had scaly skin and a long tail. It towered 50 feet in the air, and at the very top, it had the same horrible crew cut that Hoge has been sporting for years. It slammed one of its massive claws onto the ground, causing a major earthquake all along the East Coast.
The monstrosity then bellowed, "Factor Back! Factor Back! FACTOR BACK!!!" spewing scorching flames out of its mouth in the process.
Hoge then waved his scepter high in the air and addressed the demon.
"Lord Factor Back," Hoge yelled. "I have used the words 'factor back' consecutively 66,666 times during my tenure with ESPN. With the 66,666th iteration, I have summoned thee to do my bidding. Now, off we go, to destroy Tim Tebow once and for all!"
Lord Factor Back bent down its head so Hoge could climb onto its back. They then flew westward toward the Rocky Mountains.
Several attempts were made to stop Lord Factor Back on Tuesday. One of Al Davis' lab creations, Glandor, a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound specimen who once ran a 40-yard dash in 0.6 seconds, but was slowed to a 2.5 40 after an accident, was sent to dispatch Lord Factor Back. Unfortunately, he failed. Glandor was scorched from head to toe while listening to some of Hoge's ridiculous football analysis, which reduced his 40 time to a mere 3.5.
"Glandor... is no longa... a great... playa..." a sullen Al Davis said in a press conference hours later.
But what about Al Davis' other synthetic beast, Boris? If you recall, Tom Brady used a Tiger Uppercut to launch the 66-foot monster into the sky last January. Cable, meanwhile, wasn't available because he was busy assaulting his new wife.
As it stands now, Lord Factor Back is set to land in Denver by Wednesday afternoon.
Can anyone save Tebow, or are we all doomed to watch our lord and savior torched to smithereens? If you're reading this and can stop Lord Factor Back, please help.
LORD FACTOR BACK SUBDUED; PEACE RESTORED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 22, 2016
When we pleaded for help in yesterday's article, we truthfully weren't expecting anyone to respond. After all, how can you stop a 50-foot, 50,000-pound demonic beast controlled by a madman who has spent the last six years plotting Tim Tebow's demise?
Former New England Patriots head coach Emmitt Smith stepped up to the plate.
"I do not has the power and the strong to debacle Lord Fraction Back," Emmitt conceded. "But somethin' I do has is the mind, the wise and the smart."
We would have disputed Emmitt's claim if we weren't faced with such difficult times. Since he was the only person willing to destroy Lord Factor Back, all of our hopes rested with him. God help us, we thought.
Emmitt and his squire, Blaine Gabbert, were fortunate enough to be close to the Denver area, so they were able to beat Lord Factor Back to Mile High. Emmitt and Gabbert stood at the 50-yard line and watched as Lord Factor Back swooped down, with Merril Hoge seated regally upon the demon's back.
"Factor Back!" Hoge commanded.
"RAWR, FACTOR BACK!" Lord Factor Back replied, roasting the goal posts in the back of the end zone.
"You have seen the power of my Lord Factor Back," Hoge boasted. "Now, Emmitt, bring me Tim Tebow, or you and your blond, gay lover will be burned alive."
Emmitt stood resilient, unwilling to back down to Hoge's threats.
"Merris Hoge, first of all, this guy here not my lover, though he might be homophobe, I do not know," Emmitt said, clearing his throat. "And firstly, why do you hate Tim Tebone so much. Why do it matter if he not a good mechanic? He not require to fix car or train when he playin' quarterback."
What Emmitt said disturbed Lord Factor Back.
"Rawr... Factor... Back?" Lord Factor Back looked around quizzically.
"Merris, why do you hate everybody on TV, includin' Tim Tebone and Blake Griffin?" Emmitt continued. "Maybe you need to look inside and realize that the only person you hatin' is yourselves."
Upon hearing this, Lord Factor Back shook his head violently.
"Lord Factor Back... does not understand... horrible grammar... agh!!!" Lord Factor Back muttered.
"Now!" Emmitt shouted, looking at Gabbert.
"I hope no one hits me!" Gabbert squealed like a little girl. He closed his eyes and heaved a javelin at Hoge. Unfortunately, the javelin was way off its mark. It sailed into the upper deck, where it hit one of the electronic advertisement banners.
Heavy sparks spewed forth from the banner, igniting some of the seats. One of the seats fell out of the upper deck and onto a Gatorade cooler on the sideline. The cooler then flipped into the air and came splashing down on Hoge, who dropped his scepter. That's when he lost control over Lord Factor Back.
"Lord Factor Back will no longer be controlled by a horrible NFL analyst!" Lord Factor Back shrieked. It crushed Hoge's scepter, picked up the ESPN analyst with its massive claws and hurled him into outer space.
Thanks to Emmitt and Gabbert's heroics, peace has been restored. They were both awarded medals, though Gabbert cowered with fright and closed his eyes when presented with his reward.
Meanwhile, Wingo and Dilfer were regrettably able to climb out of the fiery crevasse they tumbled into on Monday. They will continue to host NFL Primetime. But who will take Hoge's spot, you ask? Why, it's Lord Factor Back, himself.
"I promise to be unbiased toward quarterbacks," Lord Factor Back said. "I also vow to engulf Wingo and Dilfer in flames if they get too annoying."