Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 1
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 5, 2017
What is it with the Saints and Patriots? Why can't these franchises learn from their mistakes? New England, of course, was punished in 2013 because Bill Belichick once again spied on another team in an event that was dubbed Spygate II. The Saints, meanwhile, were severely punished for Bountygate, where defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and other coaches paid their defenders to knock opposing players out of the game.
New Orleans is once again in hot water. Sean Payton, with the help of Williams, who acted as a paid, outside consultant, once again gave money to their own players to commit heinous acts on the football field. Only this time, the coaches' demands were much more sinister. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell alerted the media of this during yesterday's press conference.
"It has come to my attention that the New Orleans Saints once again circumvented the salary cap system to put bounties on other players," Goodell said. "They did not want to give members of other teams concussions or broken bones, or anything like that though. What they aimed to accomplish cannot be said publicly because children could be listening."
We'll do it because we're not pansies like other media networks. Payton and Williams paid their own players to touch others inappropriately. For example, if Payton and Williams handed $1,000 to Jonathan Vilma, he would only have to fondle an opposing quarterback's junk for several seconds after sacking him. For $5,000, Vilma would sneak into the other team's locker room and forcibly do stuff orally to a poor individual. And for $10,000? Well, you don't even want to know. Let's just say that mayonnaise, hamsters, toast and buttocks were involved.
What was the point of these acts? Goodell shed some light on that.
"It should be obvious what the Saints were doing here," Goodell stated. "They were trying to intimidate the players on the other team. Not physically, mind you; it was more mental than anything. Think about it. If you're about to play a contact sport with another guy, would you feel comfortable if he tries to pleasure you sexually? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, of course."
Williams and Payton were caught red-handed this time because Falcons' receiver Roddy White had enough foresight to stash a video camera in his locker. When Vilma approached White carrying a brown hamster, a tub of mayonnaise and two pieces of toast, White knew that he would be the Saints' final victim.
"Man, I knew they've been mayonnaisin' and hamsterin' guys' behinds for years," White said. "They got Steve Smith a couple of times; that's why he's so mad. I always kept a camera hidden so they'd get caught if they tried mayonnaisin' and hamsterin' me."
Williams, meanwhile, expressed deep frustration that they were discovered a second time.
"This is ridiculous," yelled an irate Williams as he was taken away into custody, "No one ever told me that I can't pay my players to mayonnaise and hamster other players' a**holes! What the f***!"
As for Payton? Well, his words caught Goodell's attention.
"I'm afraid that Roger Goodell will no longer allow me to be the head coach," Payton lamented. "It shames me that I disappointed my master, who developed this great plan."
Master? Great plan? What's going on here?
"There is obviously a conspiracy going on here," Goodell admitted. "But don't worry. Not only am I going to cancel all Saints' games in the near future; I'm also going to put my best man on the job to hunt down this devious mastermind."
We certainly hope that Goodell's "best man" is successful. If this is allowed to continue, no one will ever want to play football again.
GOODELL FINDS HIS MAN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 7, 2017
It certainly didn't take NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell very long to find the right man to help bring down the Saints' Bountygate II conspiracy. And upon hearing Goodell's choice, we're ashamed that we didn't offer a prediction when we first reported the story.
"There's only one man for the job," Goodell announced during his Wednesday press conference. "Back in 2013, when I wanted to penalize the Patriots for Spygate II, I sent him in to be their head coach. That worked wonders. Now, I want his magic touch yet again. And when I say magic touch, I don't mean anything in a gay way because that would be weird. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Goodell glanced around nervously at all of the reporters and wiped sweat off his brow.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the media, I give to you our only hope to find the true mastermind of Bountygate II, Mr. Emmitt Smith!"
Though journalists are supposed to remain unbiased, the room erupted in applause. Perhaps the reporters were delighted that Emmitt would once again provide them with some great writing material with his patented grammatically challenged quotes.
"I am please to be serve," Emmitt started, fumbling through his words as he always does. "I... uhh... Roger Goldman call me on the telephone on Tuesday evening yesterday. He say that the Saint goes into trouble once again. I say, ‘I cannot believe the Saint push his luck by committin' the same crime twice, two time in a rows. That call double jeopardy, where the point become triple and the man with the mustache's questionin' become even harder.'"
We wanted to ask Emmitt why he wasn't stating all of this in the form of a question, but we decided to let him continue.
"It is one thing for a man to perform sexuals on another man without his consensus, but it is another thing to involve innocence animal," Emmitt said. "What do the innocence animal do to be involve in this? How many innocence hamster and innocence mayonnaise need to be hurt before somebody step up and defend theirself? Hamster and mayonnaise just want to live their lifes in the wildness where no human being gonna stop themself from livin' the free life of the animal kingdom."
Wait, what? Mayonnaise is an animal? Since when?
"My son, Emmitt Smith Jr. the IV love to go to the zoo to see all the plant and animal," Emmitt continued, as the reporters in the room tried their hardest to contain their laughter. "Emmitt Smith Jr. the III particularly like the lion, tiger and horse with stripe, but he also enjoy watchin' the hamster and the mayonnaise."
We must have missed the mayonnaise the exhibit the last time we went to the zoo - granted that was a long time ago.
"I accept this challenge from Roger Goodman because I want to do this for the kids," Emmitt said, beaming at the camera. "Our children love animal, and if the Saint gonna do damage to the animal in the backside, somebody have to stop it, and that somebody is myselves."
Emmitt then revealed the first step of his plan.
"First thing tomorrow mornin', I'm gonna call the telephone number of PETER," Emmitt said. "Well, first thing first, I need to locate my telephone, but then I'm gonna ring the number of PETER, the group that like the animal as much as the children and myselves. For those of you who do not known, PETER stand for Pet... uhh... umm... Pet Electric Tiger Elephant Register. They specialize in takin' care of the elephant and the electric tiger and the pet, but I saw on the poster that they also specialize in helpin' the hamster and the mayonnaise."
We'd say Goodell has lost his mind by enlisting Emmitt's services for this, but who are we to argue with past results? Emmitt solved the Patriots' problems in the wake of Spygate II, so perhaps he'll prove everyone wrong again by unmasking the mastermind of Bountygate II.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 21
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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