The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
EMMITT AND MERCURY TRADE INSULTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 28, 2014
The last time Emmitt was on ESPN was in the fall of 2008, when he did a good job of "debacling" the English language.
Emmitt made the return to his old network Wednesday as the head coach of the New England Patriots. He still debacled the English language pretty thoroughly, reminding us all that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Former Dolphins running back Mercury Morris had been calling out the Patriots' magical undefeated run the past few weeks, so ESPN decided to match Morris and Emmitt in a head-to-head battle on Sportscenter, where the two argued the legitimacy of the Patriots' undefeated run. If you missed it, here's the dialogue:
Stuart Scott: Don't hate the playa, hate the game. The Patriots are 15-0 and are as cool as the other side of the pillow. We're here with Emmitt bein' off the charts with his undefeated season, and also Mercury Morris gettin' his freak on. Hey Emmitt, show a brotha some love!
Emmitt: No thank you Stuart Smith. I want to know why Mercury Morgan think the team from the good city of New England do not has a chance in the Super Bowls, and why he think we are frauds for havin' 15 win and zero losseds.
Mercury: Gee willikers, in the end, it's the zero at the end of your record that will connote an undefeated season. It can't be done again. The only way it can be done again, is if we do it again. And we ain't doin it!
Emmitt: Why do you not have a chance to go undefeated again? I understand that have a long in your tooth and some people would argument that you have no explosioness left in your leg, and everyone know that good runnin' back have a lot of power, will and expolsioness.
Mercury: Emmitt, you gotta get your own mountain. Because we already own this one.
Stuart Scott: Booyah!
Emmitt: I am not sure what mountain you have ownership, but the facts remain that the New Zealand Patriot own a stadium. And by my estimation, a stadium have more value than not only mountain. A stadium have more value than seven mountain combined. I bet you cannot even selled your mountain on the Web site e... uhh... e... I forget.
Mercury: I'm not talking about mountains, Emmitt. I'm talking about undefeated. You ain't even in our neighborhood. You're on the turnpike. I've been trying to tell you busters you can't play in our town.
Emmitt: I am confuse. Very confuse. Why do you say you have a mountain one time and then the next time you want to avoidment the conversation about mountain? I am beginnin' to realize that you do not even has a mountain. I bet you do not even own a doggone hill. For others watching this thing who've worked out on hills, this is a opportunity to build strength within.
Mercury: Now, you're ignoring the topic, Emmitt. In order for undefeated to happen again, we would have to do it. The No. 2 spot is the only one they can get. The No. 1 spot has already been taken.
Emmitt: Throughout the courses of history, everybody have a spot. But then somebody else come along and taked that other spot. You may have the No. 1 spot now, but if we winned a few more game, we will then have stoled the No. 1 spot away from you and we will have ownership. And then you will have ownershipped of a No. 2 spot until someone come along and take the No. 2 spot and then you will have ownershipped of the spot after No. 2.
Stuart Scott: Emmitt and Mercury off the chains up in the house!
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Dec. 31, 2014
For the second time in eight years, the Patriots have finished with an unblemished regular season, squeaking by the Dolphins, 24-21.
"We may not have lossed any game this season, but that do not mean we will not lossed any game in the doggone playoff," Emmitt said. "It is importance that we keep our calm, focus and calm through the bye week and then when we play our first opponents in the first rounds of the playoff. When you undefeated, which means you have all win and no lossed, everyone play against you like it is their Pro Bowl."
New England was definitely not expecting a tough battle from Miami. The Dolphins were 5-10 heading into the contest and were four weeks removed from firing head coach Dick Jauron. Interim head coach Mark Mangino had Miami playing well, earning a 3-0 record in his brief tenure.
The Dolphins jumped out to a 21-0 lead at halftime. The Patriots couldn't put any offensive drives together because they had just four healthy offensive linemen. The other three were missing.
"We look and look, and we just cannot found them!" Emmitt exclaimed.
New England had to regroup at halftime. While the players and coaches tried calling the families of the missing offensive linemen, JaMarcus Russell, the team's water boy, ventured into the Dolphins locker room and demanded to see Mangino. Thinking Russell was no threat - he was happily munching on some Skittles at the time - the players pointed to Mangino's office where the monstrous head coach was sleeping.
Upon hearing the noise emanating from Mangino's stomach, Russell put down his Skittles pouch and grabbed a nearby sword. He carefully sliced through Mangino, and out popped the three missing linemen.
"Thank God," Sebastian Vollmer sighed afterward. "Coach Mangino dressed up like my grandmother, so that's how he lured me into his stomach."
"ME SO HAPPY ME OUT OF MANGINO STOMACH," cried right guard Andre Smith. "COACH MANGINO SAY HE HAVE LOTS OF DORITOS FOR ME TO EAT NOM NOM NOM NOM."
Russell grabbed a pile of rocks and carefully placed them in the sleeping coach's stomach. After stiching Mangino's belly together, Russell and the three linemen then walked out on to the field to the applause of the Foxboro faithful. A confused Mangino watched New England - with its offensive line fully intact - orchestrate a furious comeback, culminating with a 40-yard Stephen Gostkowski field goal as time expired.
"Uhh... I tink I smell Andre Smith Dorito crumb..." Russell said. "So I follow to Dolphin locker room... uhh... then I help save big guys... do you tink so?"
Apparently, Emmitt definitely thinks so.
"JaMarcus Anderson have save my behind on two occasion now," Emmitt said. "The first time from Todd Haley set me up the bomb, and the second time to save the 15-0 season from becoming nonundefeated. JaMarcus Anderson is a national hero of the nation that the country of United States of North American can be proud of."
Now, if only Emmitt could get Russell's name right.