The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2019
Jerry Jones' private jet landed at the Tampa Bay airport. The entire establishment was eerily silent, and Emmitt and his friends walked through it cautiously.
"It is quietness... too quietness," Emmitt said.
The tram to the other side of the airport was conveniently operational. It took the six men to baggage claim as they all stood in silence.
The tram door opened, and the six men couldn't believe their eyes. Hundreds, if not thousands of people - men, women and children - with scars, boils and lesions on their faces were on the ground. There were unusual bruises on their faces that they had never seen before.
"What could have done this?" Josh Gordon asked.
"I don't even know..." Manziel said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Perhaps the virus has mutated. Or maybe there's something even more powerful out there."
"Something more powerful!?" Ray Rice shrieked. "It must be unstoppable if it can beat up men like this!"
One of the bodies stirred. A middle-aged man with a child molester mustache opened his eyes and grunted. He tried to get up, but he was unable to move the lower part of his body.
"Sir, are you awake?" Gordon asked, making sure to keep his distance. "What happened here? Who did this to you?"
"Uhh... uhh... towels..." the man groaned. "Hey... kid... want... to... share... towels... with... me..."
"Forget it Josh, he's just a Walking Buc who can't move his legs," Manziel said.
"Stop ruining my career!" Gordon shouted, storming away.
"Let me try this," Jerry Jones said, approaching the man. "Sir, I have a great proposition for ya. How about you come on down to AT&T Stadium, and I'll get ya a nice, comfy seat for you and your wife, two hot dogs and two nice, cold beverages for the low price of $209. What do you say to that?"
"Can... I... take... little... Bobby... instead..." the man moaned, reaching out and trying to grab Jones' face.
"This man is clearly delirious," Bob Kraft said. "No one's going to want to see your piece of s*** team, especially for $209."
"What do you mean by that?" Jones asked. "We have an excellent football team. Tony Romo is a bona fide franchise quarterback who can win multiple Super Bowls, and Jason Garrett is second to none when it comes to making coaching decisions, especially in fourth quarters."
"I have a better chance pooping precious Arby's sandwiches out of my buttocks than Tony Romo winning any Super Bowls!" Kraft snapped back.
The two men argued, but Gordon interrupted them. He sprinted down the hallway toward them.
"It's coming!" he shouted. "Run everyone, he's coming!"
A short, black man chased after Gordon. As with all of the other Walking Bucs, he had horrifying lesions on his face. But this man was different; rather than desiring to share his toiletries and spread his disease with everyone, the crazy look in his eye made it seem like he wanted to pummel anyone in his path into the ground.
Gordon and the five men raced toward the exit. Rice turned his head back to catch a better look at their attacker. He recognized him instantly.
"Guys, it's Titus Young!" he shrieked. "Titus Young beats up everyone; not just women!"
Emmitt and his friends ran out of the airport and down the street. They rushed toward some buildings and squirted into an alleyway. Young, however, was gaining ground on them and appeared to be closing in. He was just a few yards away from Kraft when a loud shot rang out. Young, startled by the noise, turned around and retreated for the airport. Emmitt and his friends, on the other hand, were relieved to see another uninfected human being until they heard what he said.
"We'll be taking your supplies," the man sneered. "And that means all of the Arby's sandwiches you have stashed in your pocket, Mr. Kraft."
EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2019
Emmitt and his companions couldn't believe their ears. The entire world was in ruin because of the Tampa Bay Buccaneer staph infestation, yet they were standing in front of an individual who was eager to strip them of all of their essential possessions.
"Hand them over," the short, black man smirked. "My next shot won't miss, I promise you that."
It didn't take long for Josh Gordon, Johnny Manziel and Ray Rice to realize who this man was. It was none other than DeSean Jackson, former wide receiver of the Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins and Sacramento Jaguars.
"DeSean, what are you doing?" Gordon asked. "We're receiver buddies. How could you do this to us?"
"Because you're with him," Jackson replied, inching closer to the six men while still readying his shotgun.
"Who is him?" Manziel asked. "We're not with any him. All we want to do is restore the world to its natural order. I just came from an island in the Atlantic Ocean where I found Emmitt. He's the key to reversing everything that's happened."
Jackson eyed everyone cautiously and then decided to put down his weapon. "Come inside," he said. "I want to show you something."
Jackson led Emmitt and his friends into the building. There were about two dozen middle-aged men with child molester mustaches, not unlike the person they encountered at the airport. One of the men stared at a static TV while sobbing uncontrollably. Jackson motioned Emmitt and his crew to a small room that appeared to be an office. When everyone was inside, Jackson closed the door.
"This is the Crips' headquarters in Tampa," Jackson explained. "This is all that's left of us. Many of our members turned into Walking Bucs. The rest of us were sheltered here and doing quite well considering the circumstances until we were raided by the Bloods about two weeks ago. They took our precious... our precious..."
A tear trickled down Jackson's face as he tried to compose himself.
"They stole all of our Justin Bieber music videos," Jackson said. "And... and... now we can't watch them and circle jerk while watching them at our meetings."
Emmitt and his friends were silent. They were all too surprised to say anything. Jackson broke the silence after about a minute.
"This is from long ago - a dark day in my life - but this is the most recent picture I have of the leader of the Bloods," he said, handing Emmitt a picture:
"This evil man ranted about how the Eagles were correct for cutting me because I had ties to the Crips, yet he was the leader of the Bloods this entire time," Jackson said. "He deceived us all, and now he's commandeered our most precious belongings."
"I can't believe Jaws is the leader of the Bloods," Manziel said, staring at the picture.
"And Jaws is that movie about the dolphin who eat people!" Emmitt chimed in.
"I'm glad you're all familiar with him," Jackson said. "Because you're going to raid the Bloods headquarters and steal our Justin Bieber music videos back. They'll shoot any of us Crips on site, but they'll trust you, especially if you say that you want to join their gang."
"Wait, why would we help you?" Gordon asked.
"Because..." Jackson said, pausing. "I know how to help Emmitt stop this Walking Buc apocalypse. You need two other people, and I know who one of them is and where to find him. I'll lead him to you if you rescue our Justin Bieber music videos."