Emmitt on the Brink – Season 3: Week 9

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt’s guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!

MANGINI’S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Nov. 7, 2015

When Emmitt learned that “debacled” is not a real word last week, the Patriots’ head coach told the media, Bob Kraft, coaching staff and players that he was planning on taking a leave of absence to do some “sold searching.” True to his word, Emmitt still isn’t back yet.

Offensive coordinator Eric Mangini, installed as one of the dual head coaches along with defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell, told us that he planned on celebrating the occasion by taking his “almost girlfriend” Erin Andrews to see Shrek 8. By Tuesday, Mangini announced bigger plans.

“I’m going to throw a big Patriots Head Coach party for myself this Friday at Sahara Sam’s,” Mangini said on Tuesday. “It’s going to be awesome. There will be chocolate cake, vanilla cake, pizza, soda and skee ball, and lots of cool people will be there!”

Mangini said he invited all 412 of his Facebook friends, including Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. Unfortunately, only three people showed up.

“It sucks,” Mangini lamented at the time. “Lots of people had things to do. Calvin Johnson said he had to do social studies homework. Larry Fitzgerald said he had to go to a Bar Mitzvah. And Erin Andrews’ dad made her mow the lawn. She always has to mow the lawn on the weekends, so I don’t ever get to take her out!”

The three people who attended Mangini’s failed bash were Shannon Sharpe, who coincidentally wasn’t on the guest list, Todd Haley and Moss; the latter feeling obligated to “get off on the right foot” with his new head coach.

It only got worse from there. First, Mangini made Sharpe sit at another table.

“Shannon, I need to make room for my cool friends just in case they show up,” Mangini said.

“ogji w8ghh g rhosiud iuwbg 4gr 5hoi tr nl xv bisdu,” Sharpe replied.

“No, Shannon!” Mangini yelled. “You’re just not cool enough for the cool table!”

Afterward, Todd Haley took several cassette tapes out of his coat pocket.

“Hey Eric, I filmed the hot chick next door taking a shower the past couple of nights,” Haley whispered. “Let’s go watch them!”

Mangini didn’t get a chance to respond because the Sahara Sam’s employees brought out the pizza. Mangini was about to take his first bite when he was interrupted by one of his guests.

“What the f*** is this?” Moss shrieked. “I wouldn’t feed this s*** to my f***ing dog!”

Upon hearing this, the Sahara Sam’s workers took the pizza and soda away, and asked Mangini and his party to leave.

“They said I can never come back,” Mangini cried. “I love Sahara Sam’s, and now I won’t ever be able to go there again! And it’s all Shannon Sharpe’s fault. He ruined everything!”

Mangini was granted a game off, meaning the Patriots will be coached by Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell when the team takes on the Redskins on Monday night.

Emmitt, if you’re reading this, your team desperately needs you to return.