Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 1
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 6, 2016
Emmitt didn't stay retired for long.
Following last year's undefeated season and Super Bowl victory over the Chicago Bears, Emmitt announced his retirement, alerting the media that he wanted to "ride off into the sun rise." However, after months of idly sitting at home and doing nothing, Emmitt decided that it was time to explore new career opportunities.
His first stop was at FOX News headquarters. Emmitt was a guest on several FOX News programs five years ago, so that avenue seemed promising, at least at first.
"FOX News very difficultness," Emmitt admitted. "I thought they would ask me questions like, 'Do you think Barack Obama doin' good job?' or 'Do you think homosexual should have abortion?' Instead, they ask me very difficultness like 'What is my thoughts on economy.' I do not even know nor have heard of anybody who name is Economy. I ask if Economy the name of one of the vice president, and they all laugh at me."
With FOX News out, Emmitt's next option would allow him to use some of his athleticism. Note the word "some." Emmitt applied to be a yoga instructor, but that didn't last very long.
"I show up to yoga class and everybody dress in athletics with a rug in their hand, but all I have is a spoon," Emmitt said. "I then asked the whole class where can I find the yogurt. They say there is no yogurt in yoga class, only exercise, but then I ask, 'Why is this called yoga class if it do not have any yogurt, it is misadvertisement?' But then they all laugh at me."
So, no news analysis or yoga instruction - why not civil service? Emmitt drove over to the local fire department to offer some advice to the firemen.
"I was stayin' up all night, gettin' burned by the midnight oil when I remember an old sayin' someone told me a long time ago. Sometime you have to fight fire with fire. So, why do the firemen shoot water out from the hose? They should shoot fire out of the hose to fight the fire with fire!"
Emmitt's stay at the local firehouse was a brief one. The firemen laughed at Emmitt's suggestion for a good 10 minutes, and then asked him to leave.
"They gonna be very sorry one day," Emmitt lamented. "One day there gonna be a big fire, so big you don't even know how big it's gonna be. But the water will not work, so I will show up with a box of fire, and throw the box of fire into the big fire, and then the fire gonna be distinguished, and then I'm gonna shake Barack Obama's arm and the vice president Economy's hand in the White House for savin' everybody."
We'd like to see Emmitt find a new job, but we're really hoping that he doesn't show up to a massive blaze with a box of fire in his hands.
EMMITT BACK WITH OLD EMPLOYERS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 9, 2016
Emmitt is back with his old employers. But don't get excited, New England fans - Emmitt has signed a contract with ESPN; not the Patriots.
"We're very excited to have Emmitt back with us," said an ESPN spokesperson. "There was some speculation that we fired Emmitt several years ago for his poor grammar, but that's simply not true. Emmitt stepped down on his own accord. Here at ESPN, we don't care about silly things like grammar. If someone coached or played in his particular sport, we will hire them, no matter what."
Emmitt will reprise his role on Sunday NFL Countdown. ESPN was searching for new analysts because it once again expanded the show.
"Back in 2011, we expanded our Sunday NFL Countdown from two to three hours," said the same ESPN spokesperson. "But three hours is not enough. Nor is four, or five, or even six. We plan on starting each Sunday NFL Countdown show the Thursday night before each Sunday's games. This means Sunday NFL Countdown is now a 63-hour program!"
Because Chris Berman, Tom Jackson and the rest of the analysts can't be asked to stay up for 63 consecutive hours, ESPN made several hires. Along with Emmitt, ESPN inked Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe, Matt Millen, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and several others to long-term contracts.
Emmitt should feel comfortable. He's worked with Berman and Jackson before, while Mangini and Sharpe coached under him with the Patriots.
"I'm very excitement to work with Chris Berming and Todd Jackson again," Emmitt said. "I was also very surprise to learn that Eric Mangina and Sterlin' Sharpe gonna be workin' with me at ESPM."
Mangini was asked about Emmitt, but his focus was elsewhere.
"Emmitt? Who the hell is Emmitt?" Mangini asked. "The important thing is that Erin Andrews won't return my calls even though she's my almost girlfriend. I sat outside her house for days, waiting for her to come out, but the mailman told me that she practically lives at ESPN because she's so busy there, so that's why I took this job - to be closer to my almost girlfriend."
"qqefiho 34g8 hoa ksd bo4g ovdn ofsow ghw wgorwovndsln orwg g w v," Sharpe agreed.
Erin, however, didn't sound too pleased.
"Ugh, I specifically told ESPN not to hire that fat kid again," Erin sneered. "Why does he keep calling me, and how did he even get my number? I don't have time for losers like him."
We weren't able to talk to any of ESPN's other hires prior to our print deadline, save for Peyton Manning, who eagerly made himself available to us.
"I am very happy to be with ESPN," Manning revealed. "Do you know what else makes me happy? DirecTV. You can get Sunday NFL Ticket for free if you sign up within the next 48 hours. When you call up, use the promo code 'Peyton' to save $5 off your order. Don't just watch TV, DirecTV."
Why do we get the feeling that Peyton is earning more money than his ESPN contract is worth?
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 19
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 16
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 15
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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