The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2019
Hillary Clinton led her captives back to their cage. Alas, the escape plan Emmitt, Isaiah Crowell and Johnny Manziel concocted was all for naught. Clinton stripped Crowell of his pistol and placed a new padlock on the cell door.
"You three are my good friends," Clinton said coldly. "Break out again, and we will become the best of friends."
Clinton slithered away into the darkness, and the three men sat in stunned silence for a while.
"Man, what a f***ing b***h," Manziel said much later, finally breaking the ice.
"Ah, if only she were a police officer," Crowell lamented. "I would've pointed my gun at her and pop, pop, pop, goodbye Madam President."
"Pop, pop, pop?" Emmitt asked. "I do not hear a popcorn machine."
The conversation didn't last much longer, and eventually dozed off. Emmitt awakened to see that Crowell and Manziel had slipped into a slumber as well. Emmitt closed his eyes once more.
Emmitt suddenly found himself walking outside, surrounding by a blue haze. He heard the exact noise Crowell had made earlier. Pop, pop, pop. Emmitt glanced in that direction and saw a popcorn machine. He started walking toward it, but heard shouting in the other direction. A man was lying on the ground and getting bashed by something white. Emmitt, however, didn't see the object despite the man's constant wails.
"Look like he getting' debacled," a familiar voice said behind him.
Emmitt turned around and saw himself. He was stunned.
"And you gonna be nexting... I mean nexted... nextedly...?" Emmitt's copy said, fumbling with the words.
"Emmitt, Emmitt!" Emmitt heard in the distance. He turned toward his copy.
"Find Shaamond Shark," the Emmitt copy said. "He the key to all these, and I do not mean the type of key that open the lock."
"Emmitt, Emmitt!" the voice echoed again. Suddenly, someone grabbed Emmitt, and he sprung up, back in his cell again.
"Oh man, I have a nightmare," Emmitt said. "Except this occurness in the day so it call a daymare."
"It's not day anymore," Crowell replied. "It's been almost 12 hours."
Twelve hours turned into 24 hours, and eventually 12 days and then 24 days. This was extremely boring for Emmitt and Crowell, though Manziel didn't share in that sensation right away.
"I... I... need Fruity Pebbles," Manziel said while vomiting. "Man, I hate going with withdrawal."
The only time the monotony was broken was when a floppy-haired man dressed as a butler brought them food. The butler did not do a good job, including ketchup as an option with mashed potatoes, for example.
"Derr, I think this is a good thing," he said after hearing protests from the three captives. "Derr, and people said drafting a punter in the third round was a bad thing too, derr."
The butler's visits were always nearly identical, but one day, something changed. He brought Emmitt, Crowell and Manziel a plate that contained a grilled cheese sandwich, soy sauce and applesauce sprinkled with pepper. As he slid the tray through the slot in the door, there was a loud noise.
The butler's face slid down the cell bars, which were now smeared with his blood. Emmitt and his friends were ready to thank their savior, but they were at a loss for words once they saw who it was. Or rather, what.
A giant shark stared at them and revealed its sharp teeth.
HOW A SHARK SAVED EMMITT'S LIFE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2019
Emmitt, Isaiah Crowell and Johnny Manziel had no idea how to react. Sure, a shark had just saved them, but were they in danger? What if the shark bit through the lock, entered the cage and ate them all? Where was Warren Sapp to save them from this monster?
As if a shark knocking out one of their enemies wasn't weird enough, the shark was standing because it had human legs!
"Guys, let's go," Emmitt heard someone say.
"Who say that?" Emmitt asked.
"Me, the shark!" the shark exclaimed. "Guys, it's me, Warren Sapp! Let's get the hell out of here!"
Questions would have to be asked later; for now, Emmitt and the other two captives had to escape from the League of Failed General Managers' compound.
"Warren, we have to watch out for Hillary!" Crowell shouted, as the three men and the shark ran up the ramp.
"I know all about her!" Sapp the Shark replied. "Don't worry, I got this!"
Sapp the Shark suddenly told his three friends to stop.
"Guys, step back and get ready to hold your breath!" Sapp the Shark yelled before taking a step backward and ramming into the wall. The wall burst open, and water cascaded into the hallway.
"Grab tight and hold on!" he shouted, swimming through the hole once Emmitt, Crowell and Manziel held on to his fins. Moments later, they surfaced in a moat surrounding a building that was shaped like a kielbasa.
"We can head upstream into a lake, and they'll never find us there," Sapp the Shark assured them. Surely enough, they rode Sapp the Shark all the way to this lake. Sapp the Shark floated toward one of the banks and unloaded his party there.
"Warren, thanks so much!" Manziel exclaimed. "We would've been rotting in that cell forever if you didn't save us."
"No you wouldn't have," Sapp the Shark said sternly. "They had just located Shannon Sharpe, so everyone left the compound to capture him. Everyone except Gene Smith, the butler, that is. Kinda stupid on their part to just leave him there. I used that opportunity to save you guys."
"Thank you really much, Warden Sack," Emmitt said. "I have no idea you were a wereshark this whole time."
"Not this whole time, Emmitt," Sapp the Shark said. "Remember when you rescued me from that brawl with that other shark? Turns out he was a wereshark! Now, I am one. This comes with great powers, as you've all just seen. Unfortunately, the downside is that I'll never be fully human ever again.
"Guys, this is serious," Sapp the Shark continued. "If they brought back Shannon Sharpe, they would've forced him and you, Emmitt, to open up the portal to the alternate universe. Then, they would've buried you in Hillary Clinton's pit."
"Warpen, how do you knowned all these?" Emmitt asked.
"When the teleportation butterflies snatched me away to their compound, that was the exact moment I turned into a shark," Sapp the Shark explained. "They thought they made a mistake, so Matt Millen threw me into his moat. He tried to insert a kielbasa up my anus, and that sucked, but I used that opportunity to listen to his discussions with Hillary Clinton. That's how I knew they found Shannon Sharpe. Guys, I don't know what Hillary Clinton's role in all of this is, but if the President of the United States is involved, it can't be good."
"Definitely not good," Emmitt said. "In fact, it the opposite of good, which is... uhh... not good."
"Bad?" Crowell asked, trying to help Emmitt.
"What is bad?" Emmitt asked. "What you saying is bad?"
"Never mind," Crowell said, sighing.
"So, what do we do now?" Manziel asked, clearly accustomed to Emmitt's grammatical ineptitude.
"The only thing that makes sense," Sapp the Shark replied. "Find Hillary Clinton's arch nemesis so he can help us."