Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009

Jerks of the Week for June 22, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood

I was writing one of my 2009 NFL Season Previews this week when there was this loud noise outside. This kid, who lives three houses down, came speeding along on some sort of scooter-skateboard thing I've never seen before.

So, I turned to my computer when I heard another blaring noise. This time, it was the kid's older sister riding the same thing. Following her was some younger kid riding a tricycle with an annoying bell that he kept ringing every five seconds. Moments later, a fourth kid - the youngest of the group - ran after the other three, crying his eyes out.

Now, I wouldn't have cared about this if they passed by my house once or twice. Unfortunately for my sanity, they kept going back and forth for what seemed like five hours.

First of all, I was pissed because I was getting distracted every few minutes. But more importantly, I was extremely jealous. When I was growing up, we didn't have those scooter-skateboard things. We had regular bikes, which involved falling off a couple hundred times as you learned how to ride them.

And besides, we did quiet things after school, like going to someone's house and playing Super Mario Brothers or the Legend of Zelda. Kids these days play these stupid games that delve into three dimensions. Who wants to play a game in three dimensions? That sounds way too complicated to me.

If I yell at these kids, have my dogs attack them or throw things at them from my window, they'll probably stop annoying me. Sounds like a great plan, right? Well, not really. Although becoming the arch villain of my neighborhood sounds appealing, the mother of these kids looks like a 35-year-old version of this hot girl I used to see in college.

I'm holding out hope that her husband will leave for Mexico to drill for oil and marry a hooker there so I can console her. "Oh, you have kids? I love kids. Too bad your husband's gone, yadda, yadda, yadda, let's have sex." Sounds like a foolproof plan to me.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Philadelphia Public School System

Sticking with our kids theme - keeping Michael Jackson happy is always good - I was walking my dog on Friday, June 19 when a school bus drove by and let at least a dozen kids out. Most of these kids ran in my direction, causing my dog to freak out. She didn't know whether to run away or debacle them.

Then, something dawned on me. It was June 19. June freaking 19. Wait the hell were these kids doing in school? The Catholic school kids (a.k.a. Jerks of the Week No. 1) were already on summer vacation. The public school kids? Not as lucky.

Before I go any further, I have to note that I'm a product of the Philadelphia Public School System. We had:

Old books

Water fountains that didn't work (unless you wanted to drink brown water)

Not enough functional bathrooms (one year, a second-floor bathroom alternated between boys and girls each hour.)

Milk in plastic bags

Broken windows (which really sucked in the winter)

Old, disgruntled teachers

Metal detectors

Tons of school cops

Poor sports programs and facilities

Bad kids shipped in from the ghetto (we had a 16-year-old in our eighth-grade class.)

And if all of that wasn't bad enough, we were forced to stay in school until the end of June. That gave us only one solid month before those terrible "Back to School" commercials indicated that our summer vacation was soon coming to an end.

I've been out of high school for a decade, so I forgot how terrible it was to sit in school until June 26 each year. Of course we had no air conditioning, so we were there sweating our balls off, simply because the idiot bureaucrats downtown senselessly came to the conclusion that kids have to stay in school for a certain amount of days to further their education. Newsflash, morons: You're not going to learn anything while you're having a heatstroke.

I think you can make the case that because idiot city bureaucrats don't know any better, the real culprits here are the parents. As a parent, how can you let your kid go to school in June? Once I have kids, I'm going to give them the option of going to school after Memorial Day. But what if they have a final, you ask? Final, shminal, I say. If you teachers or idiot bureaucrats have a problem with this, I warn you, you will be debacled.

Note: As I finished this entry, I realized something. Perhaps the parents are thrilled that the kids are staying in school until the end of June. If kids are anywhere near as annoying inside the house as they are outside my window, I'll start pining for the school year to be extended to mid-August. One quick vacation, and it's off to school again, scooter-skateboarding, brats!




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Shannen Doherty

For those of you who don't know who Shannen Doherty is, she played Brenda Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210. She was also in Mallrats.

Brenda was quite possibly the dumbest character in TV show history. In the span of four years, she:

Nearly got pregnant as a sophomore in high school.

Lied to her parents about going to Mexico with her boyfriend.

Forgot her driver's license when she went to Mexico, and consequently couldn't get back into the U.S.

Hooked up with her boyfriend when she was being detained for not having her driver's license, just as her angry father walked in.

Nearly got her boyfriend arrested for harboring a minor when she ran away from home as a 17-year-old.

Was arrested for freeing a bunch of animals at a school research center even though the scientists weren't doing any harm to the animals.

Almost had sex with a 28-year-old when she was just 16 (she only didn't do it because he flipped out when she told him how old she really was).

Transferred from Minnesota to Cal in the middle of her first semester after hearing that her ex-boyfriend and her former best friend broke up.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, Hunter Ansley (of the DraftZoo.com) and I were having a manly discussion about Beverly Hills 90210 and the new 90210. We noted that we liked how some of the old characters were in the new show. We agreed that Dylan McKay (played by Luke Perry) needs to come back. And we also both gave some dap to Kelly Taylor (played by Jennie Garth) who is still getting it done as a 37-year-old.

Shannen Doherty, meanwhile? Not so much. She's only two years older than Garth, yet calling her a troll at this point would be a huge compliment to her. You be the judge... On the left is Shannen during her 90210 days. On the right is Shannen asking for gold coins in return for permission to cross her bridge:



NONE SHALL PASS!

Hopefully some of you didn't turn to stone after gazing at that second photo, and if you did, I apologize.

Still, the question remains, how do you go from being one of the hottest girls on TV to becoming a hideous monster who should be forced to wear a paper bag at all times?

Shannen Doherty, for not wearing your paper bag, and possibly turning some of my readers into stone, you've been named a Jerk of the Week!





More Jerks of the Week:
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Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
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Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
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Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
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Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
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Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
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Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
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Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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