JERK OF THE WEEK: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Previously on Jerks of the Week: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: I accepted another invitation to spend five days in Tampa with this Web site's senior NFL Draft writer Charlie Campbell and his wife Amanda. I went with my girlfriend, and we had a great time. I discussed the jerks I ran into at the Philadelphia International Airport and the Jerks of Disney World, but it's now time to delve into the actual jerks of Tampa. In this entry, I'll be discussing the jerks I saw at the hotel, as well as the ones in Ybor City, which is the main party district of Tampa.
I honestly don't know where to begin with this entry because I have a lot to write about, so I might as well do this chronologically...
I hopped into the shower after the beach trip I mentioned in the previous entry. My girlfriend, meanwhile, did me a huge favor: She went looking for some pineapples.
Why pineapples? Because of its medicinal purposes, believe it or not. Pineapples are most well known for making "man juice" taste good, but it actually helps asthmatics with their breathing. I have a mild case of asthma, which tends to strike at night, so I eat some pineapple before bed each night to help me sleep. I didn't bring any in my suitcase, of course - and even if I did, the idiot TSA people would've probably confiscated it because I'm a normal white guy, and an obvious terrorist suspect - so I needed some during my stay in Tampa. My girlfriend offered to go out and look for some while I was in the shower, which was awesome of her.
Unfortunately, this proved to be a difficult task for her. The first store she went into didn't sell pineapples. The second shop, a smoothie place, had pineapples as one of the things they mix their beverages with. The woman behind the counter, an obvious lesbian, had the following conversation with my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Hi, do you have pineapples?
Smoothie Lesbian: Yes, we can put them in the smoothies.
Girlfriend: Can I just have a cup of pineapples to go instead?
Smoothie Lesbian: No.
Smoothie Lesbian: No.
Girlfriend: Why not?
Smoothie Lesbian: They have to be in the smoothies.
Girlfriend: But you're going to use them anyway. I'll pay for them. Can I please have a cup?
Smoothie Lesbian: No.
Girlfriend: Really? I'll pay regular price for a smoothie.
Smoothie Lesbian: No. They need to be in the smoothies.
What a b***h. I don't understand why this was such an impossible request. If she made a smoothie for my girlfriend with pineapples in it, she would have used them anyway. But since my girlfriend wasn't asking for a smoothie, why couldn't the lesbo just give her some pineapples for the regular smoothie price? Is it because she sensed that my girlfriend didn't want to sleep with her? That's my best guess.
My girlfriend and I met up with Charlie and his wife Amanda around 9:15. Charlie suggested that we should go to the Bricks because they have great food there. Unfortunately, the Bricks' kitchen was closed at 9 for some strange reason. Another restaurant that Charlie wanted to go to also shut down at 9. Another bar we tried stopped serving food at that time as well.
I don't understand this. Ybor City in Tampa is a happening place. People are always out. I'm sure they'd want to eat around 9, so why stop serving food then? It's almost as if these establishments are going out of their way to make as least money as possible - sort of like Smoothie Lesbian. It wouldn't surprise me if that wench was behind the insanity of closing most of the eateries down at 9.
We continued to walk down the main street of Ybor. Suddenly, a black bum joined us. I don't know where he came from; he seemingly appeared out of thin air. He started singing. I have no idea what song it was, but he serenaded Amanda once he realized that my girlfriend, Charlie and I weren't paying any attention to him. He continued to sing, and once he was done, he asked for some money or "ciggettes." We all disappointed him by not giving anything to him.
Despite this bum being a nuisance, I have to say that I have the slightest bit of respect for him and the other bums in Tampa. They actually try. They sing and dance, and some even sell roses that they managed to steal from some garden. But the point is that they're putting effort into getting handouts. The bums in Philadelphia, meanwhile, are always passed out on the sidewalk or in the train station. They seldom make any sort of attempt. Perhaps the reason for this is that it's much colder here than it is there, so they have to bundle up in their rags and piss-covered newspapers. For this reason, I'll never understand why bums never migrate south for the winter.
Anyway, we finally found a place that was open. It was called the Green Iguana, and the "macaroni cheese and buffalo chicken bowl" on the menu caught my eye.
Me: Macaroni and cheese and buffalo chicken...
Charlie: You want to go here?
Me: Macaroni and cheese and buffalo chicken...
Girlfriend: I think that's a yes.
Me: Macaroni and cheese and buffalo chicken...
I couldn't even think. I was so mesmerized that I had to try it. Unfortunately, it didn't come with a side, but that was OK because my girlfriend ordered something that would include French fries.
It seemingly took forever for the food to arrive, but there it was: a bowl of melty macaroni and cheese, plenty of buffalo chicken and crumbs of blue cheese. The waitress got my girlfriend's order wrong - she gave her tacos instead of a slider - and failed to include the fries, but once I took my first bite of their macaroni and cheese and buffalo chicken, I didn't care. I'm not kidding when I say this, but it was the most amazing thing I've ever eaten in my entire life. My sister would later call it a "heart attack in a bowl," but I'd gladly endure a heart attack for another bite of it. I wouldn't even mind if it was "Ebola in a bowl." It was that damn good. In fact, I recommend traveling to Tampa just for the Green Iguana's macaroni and cheese and buffalo chicken.
I actually did pay the price later. I woke up at 5 a.m. and had to sit on the toilet twice for 20 minutes each. Endless streams of diarrhea squirted out of my buttocks, and by the time I was finished, the entire toilet was brown, and I was sweating profusely. But it was worth it.
Wednesday was a lazy day. It looked like it was going to thunderstorm throughout the afternoon, so we didn't bother going anywhere. Instead, we planned to lounge by the pool until we heard thunder. That actually never happened, and the sun even emerged while I was swimming.
We stopped by Charlie's house for some drinks in the evening, and then we went over to Daily Eats, a restaurant that serves great breakfast bowls. I wrote about having one last year, and I decided to go for something different this time. I opted instead for a bacon chicken ranch bowl.
It sounded delicious, and it didn't disappoint - at least not at first. Unfortunately, as I soon discovered, they put too much onion in there. I don't mind a bit of onion in something, but this was major overkill.
Want to know how much onion there was in that bowl? I actually had a nightmare that night about having to eat a giant bowl of onions. These onions were in thick, long strips, and I was forced to keep shoving them into my mouth. I woke up in a sweat with an onion aftertaste still in my mouth. It was a miracle I didn't vomit everywhere.
Our hotel offered free breakfast from 6-10. Getting up prior to 10 was a challenge, but we were able to do so, and following breakfast, we passed out for a few hours.
Breakfast was definitely worth waking up for - especially on Thursday when I needed any sort of food that didn't have onions in it. Seriously, it could have been a bowl of feces, and I would have been pleased as long as the person's s*** didn't contain any onion residue.
The food was great. They served these awesome honey-smoked sausages on Wednesday, and they offered delicious bacon Thursday morning. They also had a machine where you could make your own waffle. Of course, it was too complicated for me - after all, I just got my first smartphone a few months ago, and I just recently discovered how to turn it off - so my girlfriend was great enough to make my waffle for me each time, beginning Thursday morning.
I naturally wanted bacon to complement my waffle. The guy in front of me took tons of bacon, and I feared that there weren't going to be any left, so I scooped most of the bacon remaining onto my plate. The dude behind me gave me a dirty look as I walked away. Clearly, he doesn't understand how fat I am. If I see a tray of bacon, I'm going to take most of it and ask questions later.
The one thing I didn't like about breakfast was that there was always an empty tray on the counter. There was one full tray of scrambled eggs, sausages/bacon and home fries, while the other one was constantly empty. I constantly argued about this with my girlfriend.
Me: It sucks that we keep waking up too late, and the really good stuff in that other tray is gone!
Girlfriend: I don't think they ever have anything in there.
Me: No way, then why would it even be out there every day?
Girlfriend: I don't know.
Me: Think about what they could have in there. They probably have pancakes, or cheese omelets or maybe even Cocoa Puffs! And we keep missing it because we wake up too late!
Girlfriend: So, should I wake you up at 6 so we can see what's in there?
Me: Ehh... nah...
OK, maybe I'm not as fat as I thought I was.
We spent most of Thursday at Disney World. We returned to Tampa to get some dinner at the Bricks, which was open until 10 on Thursday night. The soup there was great, but honestly, I wasn't a big fan overall. It literally took 45 minutes for our food to come out. Also, I asked for no mayo on a sandwich I ordered, yet there was still some gooey special sauce on it. At least there weren't any onions.
The only thing noteworthy about Thursday night was what we saw as we were walking back to the hotel. A short black woman was yelling something at a bar door. That's the best way I can explain it. The bar door was closed, yet she was cursing at it:
"I F***IN KILL YA, MOTHAF***A, YOU BETTA WATCH YOSELF! MOTHAF***IN A**HOE, YOU GOIN GETS WHATS COMIN TO YA, B***H BECAUSE I'MA F***IN KILL YA! I'MA F***IN KILL YA MOTHAF***A, WHAT!? WHAT!? YOU TALKIN S**T TO ME, B***H? WHY YOU GOTTA KEEP TALKIN S**T TO ME, BITCH!?"
I'm so glad I had eyewitnesses there to confirm that this actually happened because it was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. This woman had such complete hatred for this bar door that she kept cursing at it for minutes. People behind her were laughing at her, but she didn't seem to notice because of her malice toward the poor bar door.
My best guess? She asked the waitress at this bar for no mayo, but she got special sauce on her sandwich. I nearly went insane from that myself.
We planned to go out to the bars on Friday night, but we weren't going to stay out too late because we had to get up at 8 for our flight. After scarfing down some pizza, we went to a small bar before making what Charlie called "our triumphant return to Coyote Ugly."
I was pleased to see that Tyrion's Girlfriend was there, but I guess she was promoted because she didn't have to dance on the bar. Some of the other bartenders did instead, as did several of the female patrons at the bar. In a sense, they were more entertaining to watch.
One of the non-working girls on the bar was some Asian chick. She was average-looking; a bit too skinny for my liking. I didn't think much of her until she got off the stage and stood next to some guy behind me. He gave her a bottle of water and said, "You're doing a good job, keep it up!" Minutes later, the Asian chick was back on stage.
What the hell was that about? Was she training to become a Coyote Ugly bartender, or was it her lifelong dream to prove that she can dance as well as them? If it was the latter, she was failing miserably because having her on the bar was more annoying than anything because she got in the way of the real dancers.
Another "dancer" worth mentioning was a fat chick who spent most of the night grinding with some black guy. Charlie pointed this out, and everyone laughed but me. I found it appalling. Her blubber and terrible cleavage were bouncing all over the place. It was disgusting. It was even worse when she somehow managed to get on the bar. How she accomplished that, I have no idea.
However, she was not the fattest person at the bar. A monstrous fat black chick sat at one of the booths in the back. I couldn't believe how big she was; the "monstrous" adjective is quite flattering for her. She had rolls upon rolls everywhere on her body. She had 10 chins on her face and 20 on each of her limbs. In fact, she was so big that she actually had to sit at her own booth while all of her friends were at another one.
This girl was so obese that I had to make jokes. I pointed to Tyrion's Girlfriend and then to the beast, and said, "That's Tyrion's girlfriend, and that's the Mountain's girlfriend." Later, when the monstrous chick was no longer around, I told my girlfriend, "Look, the fat girl's gone. Her friends wheeled her out of the bar." My girlfriend responded, "That's so sad." I was joking, so it goes to show you how unbelievably fat this woman was because someone actually believed that she had to be wheeled out of a bar. She probably was for all I know.
We got back to the hotel around 1, and I went to sleep around 2, so waking up at 8 was quite difficult. "Maybe they'll have pancakes, omelets or Cocoa Puffs in that second tray," I told my girlfriend as we stepped into the elevator.
I was disappointed. The second tray was still empty, so not having pancakes, omelets or Cocoa Puffs made me sad - at least for a little bit. My girlfriend once again set up the waffle machine for me as I piled tons of honey-smoked sausages onto my plate.
A black mother and her young daughter (about 7) were using the other waffle machine at the same time (there were two). There was nothing particularly noteworthy about the mother, but her daughter was built like an NFL nose tackle. She was fat, yet muscular and compact at the same time. It was like her parents were training her to become a member of the Oakland Raiders in the future.
The waffle machine counted down from 2:30 when turned on. I was waiting for mine to finish up, but the fat girl wasn't as patient. She lifted it with 45 seconds remaining, and in doing so, incurred her mother's wrath.
Mother: What are you doing!? It's not done yet!
Fat Daughter: BUT MOMMA I'M HOWNGRY!
I had to turn my face to prevent them from seeing that I was laughing so hard. It was already funny that she couldn't wait 45 seconds for her waffle, but the way she said that was hilarious. The cherry on top was that after we sat down, I overheard her exclaim, "LOOK MOMMA THEY GOT LUCKY CHARMS!"
I nearly choked on my waffle. It was just too funny to see someone that young be so obsessed with food. This made me happy as well, because I knew then and there that someone else at this hotel was just as curious about what was in that empty tray.