JERK OF THE WEEK: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
I'm usually pretty annoyed with everything, but I'm extra agitated today. As you may have noticed, I've recently said that children bring nothing but misery and disease in my Jersey Shore series. I planned to follow this up with a series of dumb commercials that have kids in them. Unfortunately, my plans have been debacled.
There was one very dumb ad I had in mind. I think it was for Walmart or Kmart or Target - one of those stores that have everything. One of the employees of this store was showing a mom and her fat son how much money they can save on their back-to-school supplies. They had the fat kid, who spoke with a lisp, pile random school supplies into a shopping cart and exclaim how much money his mom's saving.
"Sixthty centh! Sixthty centh! Sixthty centh! Sixthty centh! That'th a two dollarth and forty thenth, mom!" he shouted gleefully.
Ohhh whoop dee freaking doo, you saved your mom $2.40! That'll quickly take her out of the credit card debt she's built up buying Oreos for you.
There are two reasons why this commercial was so blatantly contrived. First of all, when I was a kid, I didn't give a damn about how much my parents saved. I mean, if my dad said, "I saved $100 on your school supplies by shopping on the black market," I'd say, "OK cool, dad, way to go." But for $2.40? I'd just shrug my shoulders and just mope around because shopping is usually boring.
And speaking of moping, why is this kid not doing this? He's buying back-to-school gear. That's the worst thing ever. Summer vacations are precious for children. Getting out of school in June was so awesome, but when I saw that first back-to-school commercial, usually during the last week of July, I felt like I wanted to strangle someone. My mom would have to drag me along, kicking and screaming, to buy folders, pens, pencils, notebooks, school bags and whatever else would help make my life miserable for the next nine months.
So why am I so agitated? Because I couldn't find this commercial on YouTube. I tried all of the search parameters and typed in every single store, but I came up with nothing. "Thanks to YouTube's incompetence, my Jerks of the Week entry is ruined!" I shouted. My neighbor, who was standing outside in his backyard, looked up at my window with this worried look on his face, as he must have suddenly realized that he was living next to a deranged lunatic. I'm not sure what took him so long.
Luckily, I had other commercials planned for this series that I actually unearthed on YouTube. I'm sure many of you have seen this one: It's about the Gerber Life College Plan where a bunch of parents sit around and talk about how they haven't started saving for college yet, but then this one black couple awkwardly reveals that they've started putting money away via the Gerber Life College Plan. Click the link to check it out if you don't know what I'm talking about.
This is actually the abbreviated version of this commercial. The one on TV has the chubby guy looking at his child and playfully saying, "You're going to college!" But whatever. The important thing to take away from this ad is that the Gerber company is comprised of a bunch of racist a**holes.
If you didn't notice the blatant racism in this commercial, then I really don't know what to say. Just rewatch it. OK, yeah, I knew you'd see it. Why is it that the two black people have their act together while the white folk act like complete ignorant imbeciles? Ugh. Such racial stereotypes. Yes, yes, Gerber, we know that black people all have their act together while white people are bumbling fools who don't know anything. You don't have to shove it in our faces.
This makes me so mad. As a white man, I'm always the victim of racial stereotypes. They all say that us white males can't dance or play basketball or save money for our children's college. Well, let me tell you something, Gerber douches: OK, I can't dance, and I can only shoot a basketball (dribbling's a bit too difficult) and no, I haven't saved any money for my kids' college, but that's only because I don't have any children. If I did have offspring, I'd probably have like $20 or $30 saved up. Maybe even $40! So take that, racist Gerber a**holes!
Beyond the obvious racism, this commercial is just dumb. I don't get what the woman with the black wig is saying when she asks, "Yeah, but how did you even know where to start?" at the 7-second mark.
Umm... how about not spending all of the money you and your husband receive from your paychecks on unnecessary vacations, random crap you can't afford and ugly hairpieces from the local wig store? What the hell do you mean, "How did you even know where to start?" You start by putting money away. It can be anywhere. You can do it via a bank account, a CD or even the under-the-mattress strategy. And hey, if you don't mind being subjected to racism, Gerber works too. Saving money is really not that difficult of a concept. If you don't understand it, perhaps you shouldn't be having kids.
Anyway, the other ads are those A&T It's Not Complicated commercials. I posted a breakdown of some of these back in March (click the link), but AT&T decided to keep putting new ones out. They annoyed the hell out of me, but they also gave me more writing material, so perhaps I should be grateful.
I actually received quite a bit of feedback for the first batch. Here's what some commenters had to say, along with my response to each post:
Jesse Jackson: Walter, you are such a race baiter. There was nothing racist about those commercials.
Yeah, OK. And next you're going to tell me that Gerber's not racist either. Nice try, bub.
Dave: Walter, your attempts to be funny are so pathetic and lame.. stick to sports
But my sports analysis is also pathetic and lame, and people who read that stuff tell me to stick to my attempts to be funny. I just don't know what to do!
Serg: Your an idiot! I don't know a single person who doesn't love these commercials. Get off your high horse and get a sense of humor!
I love responses that say "Your an idiot." Such irony - unless Serg is claiming that I own "an idiot." Then in that case, Serg is not an idiot himself. At any rate, I find it hard to believe that Serg doesn't know a single person who doesn't love these commercials. The only logical explanation is that Serg doesn't know anyone. He probably sits in his apartment all day by himself and whacks off to Miley Cyrus videos. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Wow Walt: Way to show that you're middle aged and mad that you can't stick with a gal.seriously it would've been better talking about the worst cowboy fans you've met since you're from Philly.lol Im starting to think you're trying to stir people up...AT&T and KKK?ha!i bet it's actually Walt and Illuminati.
This person lost me with the whole "Walt and Illuminati" bit. I didn't know they allowed people in mental hospitals to use computers. As for the whole "mad" thing, you're damn right I'm mad. I'm mad because YouTube is ruining my Jerks of the Week entry!
John Brodie's Ghost: Can we get a Jerk of the Week for people who turn every situation where an adult is talking to children into a "pervy" moment?
Sure! Though I'm positive that's what people like John Brodie's Ghost said about Jerry Sandusky when he was hanging out with kids. "Oh, there's Jerry horsing around with those children - nothing pervy about that!"
Brian: Don't listen to them, Walter. I died laughing while reading this. It got even funnier when I went back and re-watched the commercials.
Yay, someone who likes my writing material! In honor of Brian, who sounds like a cool dude, here's Part 2 of the AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials:
"I'd fire that robot." Jesus, what an angry b***h.
I'm truly terrified of this girl. Sure, she's just a kid right now, but is there any doubt that once she graduates college, she's going to quickly rise through the ranks of a Fortune 500 company and become an evil CEO? She's going to fire all of the employees if she thinks they're the slightest bit inefficient. The employees are then going to riot, and people will die. The stock market will crash, and I will lose all of the money I've invested. So yeah, people perishing is one thing, but losing cash in the stock market is something that I'm just not willing to put up with.
Oh, and it doesn't stop there. This girl will use her power to destroy the government. She'll declare herself an empress, and she'll kill anyone who isn't capable of doing two things at once. There are a ton of inept people out there, so there will be blood in the streets. This blood will stain my driveway, which is simply unacceptable!
The bottom line is that AT&T has inadvertently found the world's next evil dictator. I only hope someone destroys her before she becomes too powerful.
But let's stick to the present for now. Why is doing two things at once better than one thing? Sure, it can sometimes increase productivity, but what if Serg whacks off to Miley Cyrus porn while shaving his pubic hairs? That wouldn't be too safe. And you don't see me eating Cheetos while taking a shower. That's just stupid. Oreos belong in the shower; not Cheetos.
Perhaps the best solution is for someone to communicate to that girl that having robots do two things at once isn't the wisest move. Perhaps this will prevent her from becoming the next Hitler when she grows up. We can only hope.
An exchange between two people commenting on this YouTube video:
Hadeel Hasan: Why is it that all the AT&T commercials that include kids have the white kids show intelligence but the kids of color act like they are not as advanced or intelligent? Literally ALL the commercials are like this.
Joe Black: Says the white kid who wanted to tape a cheetah to his grandma's back. A lot of intelligence there. Besides, these are just kids so stop bringing race into harmless commercials. You want a commercial with ethnic kids splitting Atoms and discussing relativity, record your own F'N commercial.
Umm... taping a cheetah to a grandma's back is a marvelous idea, Joe Black. And besides, I'm pretty sure the fat kid in question said "tape a Cheeto to my grandma's back." That's an even better plan.
Hadeel is absolutely right, and he's making the same point I did back in March. It seems like all of the non-white kids in these commercials say the dumbest things ever. I also proved in the previous entry that the scripts are written for these children, so AT&T is being blatantly racist.
All I can say is thank God AT&T didn't have these kids discuss college fund plans. That would make us white folk seem dumber and more unprepared.
OK, forget about what Hadeel and I were saying about the colored kids being the dumbest ones. This idiot says "10" even when he heard the super-hyper chick shout "a trillion billion zillion?" What a moron. How has no one ever introduced him to the number 11 before? Or 12? Or 50 or 100? I'm sure he's seen a quarter before, so does he not know quarters are worth 25 cents? Who's raising this kid, the Count from Sesame Street's arch enemy?
Oh, and I don't know about you, but when the little girl shrieks, "What about infinity tiiiimes infinity?" I can feel my ears bleeding just a bit. If I ever go to hell in the afterlife, I'll be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to this chick scream this over and over again for eternity. May God please rescue my soul.
The ginger kid isn't the only one who doesn't get the joke. Watch the little blonde girl throughout the whole commercial. She has a serious "WTF!?" face as soon as the fat Mexican kid completes his joke. She's even more at a loss than the ginger.
Oh, I just thought of a reason why neither of the white kids understands the joke. What, you think it's because their parents don't clean houses for a living, so they've never heard their mom tell them that joke? That's just racist, and I can't believe you'd ever come up with something like that! How dare you!?
No, no, that's not the case at all. The correct answer is that both white kids have rich parents who pay maids to clean dishes for them, while the fat Mexican kid doesn't have that sort of luxury. What? That's racist too? How is that racist? I don't get it.
So, you want to transform your brother into a dog just so you can bring him into show-and-tell? That doesn't sound like a selfish dick move at all. I'm sure your brother did something like eat your crayons to deserve this sort of punishment.
Here's a question though: If this black girl did indeed obtain a Changer Machine, shouldn't she do something more beneficial with it? How about changing a cancer patient's body so that he is completely cured? Or how about changing your quarters - assuming she can count past 10, unlike that other idiot - into $100 bills? Even better, what if she could change all broccoli, cauliflower and other disgusting things into Cheetos, Oreos and Doritos? The world would try be a better place.
At any rate, this "Puppy Brother" concept completely blew the blonde girl's mind. Take a look at her face:
I love the one comment below the video:
"Sweet sweet dicks in mouth why didn't I think of that?"
Clearly this blonde girl is not as witty or intelligent as her black classmate. But that's fine. The blonde girl's parents aren't saving for her college fund, so it's not like she'll be going to school past the 12th grade anyway.