JERK OF THE WEEK: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Previously on Jerks of the Week: The Tampa Trilogy: I accepted an invitation to spend five days in Tampa with this Web site's senior NFL Draft writer Charlie Campbell and his wife Amanda. I had a great time, and it was crazier than I expected. There tons of hot, scantily clad women everywhere, including some who wore flashing bikini tops and black thongs to the bars. As someone said to me during my five days down there, "They call this Trampa Bay for a reason."
I didn't talk about the actual time I spent in Tampa just yet; I spent the entire first part of this trilogy discussing all of the jerks I ran into at the Philadelphia International Airport. There were many, including a homeless woman who exchanged her precious skateboard for a plane ticket to Tampa and a guy who nearly had a heart attack while playing the game Bejeweled.
With that in mind, it's high time to delve into the adventures I had while actually staying in the magical city of Trampa.
Wednesday: First Night Out
Charlie and I went to a local supermarket for snacks prior to driving to his house. I picked out two boxes of cereal for myself - I'm so fat that one's not enough - and then grabbed some milk. We were walking toward the register, when I saw something I had never seen before...
Me: Holy s***!
Me: There's beer and liquor - at the supermarket!
Charlie: Why is that weird?
I told Charlie about the horrors of Pennsylvania. In this incredibly moronic state, beer can only be sold in a specific location. Likewise, liquor can only be purchased in a Wine & Spirits store. You are not allowed to sell bottles of beer and liquor in the same location. Why? Because the people in the Pennsylvania government are communist a**holes who shove dildos up their buttocks, that's why.
I was also amazed that I could get drinks at a local corner eatery. Charlie and Amanda took me to a place called the Daily Eats. They surprised me when they ordered alcoholic beverages. I was so shocked that I didn't even look at the drink menu.
Me: I'll have a 7 and 7.
Waitress: OK, haha!
Me: What? Why's that funny?
Waitress: Oh wow, I thought you were being serious! Sorry hun, we only have beer and liquor here.
Me: Well... well... this is my first time at this place!
I was in Tampa for not even two hours, and I already humiliated myself. I blame the communist a**holes in the Pennsylvania government who shove dildos up their buttocks for my ignorance.
The waitress roped me into ordering a Bloody Mary. Whatever. She walked away, allowing me to peruse the actual food items. Daily Eats, as I was told, is apparently famous for two things: its macaroni and cheese and its breakfast bowls. I looked at the latter and saw that there was one item that had eggs, cheddar cheese, bacon and tater tots - all in one bowl.
I nearly had a heart attack just reading that. Jesus. I'm still crying tears of joy over that meal. Eggs, cheddar cheese, bacon and tater tots - all in one bowl... what an incredible idea for a meal... Wait a second... Why does that sound familiar...
BECAUSE IT'S MY IDEA! For proof, I'd like to show you Exhibit A, my April Jerks of Saladworks entry, where I wrote:
Breakfast Salad - Eggs (with cheese), pancakes, ham, sausages, bacon, maple syrup, diced tomatoes, home fries and toast - all in one bowl. I'm seriously drooling all over my keyboard right nowandcrapmyspacebarnolongerworksgoddamnit.
OK, so Daily Eats didn't exactly steal my exact food item - I'm so disappointed in myself that I forgot tater tots - but I still feel like it's close enough where I should demand royalties for it.
This breakfast bowl was delicious. It was also filling, so I had issues walking back to Charlie and Amanda's house. Hell, I'm still having problems with that.
After having some drinks at the house, Charlie and I decided to hit the bars. He took me to a local strip within walking distance from his house. All of the bars there - by my count, there were five of them right next to each other - were all outside. We obviously don't have anything like that in Philly. It's too damn cold from October to March, so there's no point in owning an outdoor bar. Here, people were just leaning on the railing and drinking as hot chicks walked by.
Oh, and there were swarms of hot chicks. I couldn't believe my eyes. I'd say that 80 percent of the women I saw there were extremely attractive. That figure might be 10-15 in Philly. I'm talking about EXTREMELY attractive. Like, I'd look at a girl and think, "Holy crap, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," and then the next one would be even hotter.
Something else that was unusual was that some of these attractive women would bring dogs to these bars. I'm not even talking about poodles or anything; this one chick brought an 80-pound dog with her - and no one at this particular bar said anything. You can't take your dog anywhere in Philly, so it's amazing how different the culture is in Tampa.
The girl who brought that dog was very attractive. She was tan and was wearing a black tank top, which exposed some excellent cleavage. She was talking to a friend when her dog jumped on some Asian guy who was walking by. The girl apologized to the Asian guy, and then the two began talking.
This gave me an incredible idea: If I ever visit Tampa again, I'm going to bring some dog treats with me to the bar. I'll walk by a hot chick who has a dog with her, and I'll wave the treat in the air when she's not looking. The dog will jump on me, and I'll feign some sort of injury. Thus, the girl will have to "nurse" me back to health to avoid a lawsuit, if you catch my drift. That's probably what the Asian guy did. What a cunning bastard.
I didn't have any success gaming any women that night. The ones who went into our bar - the World of Beer - were all talking to dudes. I did notice this hot blonde wearing a blue shirt and a white skirt sitting by herself, but she was feverishly texting on her phone. I waited for her to stop, but a pack of eight dudes all walked over to her at the same time. I would've joined, but I'm not into banging chicks if there are eight other dudes there as well. I don't know; that's kinda weird.
Charlie and I left the place around 2. As we were walking home, this tall girl who would've only been good looking by Philly standards, looked at us and drunkenly slurred, "Good night, fags!"
Fags? Yeah, OK. I wanted to respond: "Do you know that my friend here has a wife? And do you know how many women I creepily stared at tonight? We most definitely are not fags!"
Fortunately, I was still too mesmerized by this nightlife scene to care. This, however, was nothing compared to what I experienced the next two nights...
Thursday: St. Pete's Beach
I hadn't been to the beach since I posted my Jersey Shore entries back in 2011, and I have never bathed in the Gulf of Mexico, so I was looking forward to trying this new experience. Charlie, Amanda and I drove to a beach in St. Petersburg, which was about 30 minutes away.
The beach itself was nice. It was kind of small, but it wasn't too crowded, which was surprising considering that it was July 4. The water, meanwhile, was nice and warm. It was about 85 degrees, which was just perfect for a fat man like myself. There were very small waves compared to the Atlantic Ocean, but that was fine because simply floating in the water was relaxing.
Unfortunately, the situation got a bit stressful at times. Amanda brought her four-pound poodle to the beach, which turned out to be against this particular beach's regulations. Dogs are permitted in most beaches near Tampa, but not this one apparently, as the family next to our chairs informed us.
Amanda did a good job of hiding her poodle Sophie under the chair, but apparently one of the beach police thought he saw her when he rode by the first time. While Charlie and I were in the water, he circled back and parked his vehicle behind Amanda and just waited there for a good 10 minutes.
It then became clear that this beach policeman was either a perv or a complete loser. Who just parks a car behind a woman for 10 minutes and just stares at her? Well, except for me, of course. But if he wasn't into Amanda, then he was obviously waiting for Sophie to run out from under the chair. If that's the case, why doesn't he have anything else better to do? What if there's some kid drowning? Is he not worth saving because there's a four-pound poodle on the beach? I wanted to approach him and say, "Seriously, dude, get over yourself. A four-pound poodle isn't hurting anyone. Go eat a doughnut and get a life."
The cop eventually realized he was wasting his time and sped away. That's when two people caught my attention - a hot, tan brunette wearing an orange top and a blue bottom and a white-haired older man who appeared to be in his 60s. This was the second time I saw them walk by, so I had to say something about it to Charlie.
Me: That sucks she's with her dad.
Charlie: I don't think that's her father. I think that's her sugar daddy.
Me: Sugar daddy?
Charlie: Yeah, lots of older men go out with young women down here. They buy them stuff and in return get sex with a younger woman.
What an outrage! Why wasn't I informed about this earlier? I desperately want to be a sugar daddy. Is there a list somewhere so I can sign up? Do I get to pick which hot chick I buy things for? Does the amount of stuff I buy for this hot chick correlate into what I get to do with her? If I'm cool enough, will the sugar daughter(?) fall in love with me and not expect any further gifts for sex?
Now that I'm aware of this phenomenon, I will do my best to become the world's next great sugar daddy.
Thursday: Second Night Out
Charlie and I saw more sugar daddies and sugar daughters when we hit up a section in Tampa called Ybor. This was a strip of tons of bars, restaurants and night clubs. The women here were even more scantily clad than in the other place. We saw the chick in the black thong in Ybor, but I'll get to her later.
We decided to grab some food before hitting the bars. It was past 9:30, so the two restaurants Charlie wanted to show me were both closed. We settled for a Buffalo Wild Wings instead, which I was perfectly fine with because I had actually never been to one before.
Our waitress, Liz, was pretty cute. She had auburn hair and light eyes. We ordered some alcoholic beverages first, prompting her to ask us for our IDs. I took this opportunity to try to game her with a joke.
Liz: Can I see your ID please?
Me: Thanks, I'm flattered that you think I might be under 21!
She said nothing - absolutely nothing. She checked my ID, quickly handed it back to me and walked away. I should have taken this as a sign that it would be a rough, female-related night if I couldn't even talk to the Buffalo Wild Wings girl.
Charlie and I then went to a bar called Double Decker after we were finished eating. It was pretty beat in there; it was mostly dudes, save for this one smoking-hot girl on the side of the bar. She was a brunette and had dark eyes. Unfortunately, she was talking to two guys at the same time - one, a man in his 40s with slicked-back hair and a goatee. The other was bald and looked like the bad guy from Person of Interest.
Me: Are they both her sugar daddies?
Charlie: No, I think only one is and the other is his friend.
Me: I don't know. She's super hot, so she might have two sugar daddies.
Charlie shrugged his shoulders. He and I downed our drinks and then opted to head across the street to a much livelier bar. I stopped in the middle of the street and was nearly run over by a car when I looked at the name of the establishment: Coyote Ugly. I had seen the movie Coyote Ugly a long time ago - not that there's anything wrong with that - but I never realized it was an actual bar.
This Coyote Ugly was just as advertised. There were hot women dancing on the bar. The bartenders constantly did this, but if one of the female patrons was brave enough to join them, they received a free shot. It's a genius concept - if you get women riled up and drunk for free, they'll continue to come back because it's a fun time. And wherever women go, guys will follow.
There were a few interesting characters at Coyote Ugly on Thursday night, including...
1. Argumentative Bartender: Have you ever had a bartender convince you to get another drink? This has never happened to me prior to this night. I tried to order my favorite drink, but the woman behind the bar didn't like my decision.
Me: I'll have a 7 and 7.
Busty Redhead: How about I give you a Jack and Coke?
Me: Nah, it's OK, I'll take a 7 and 7.
Busty Redhead: You look like a Jack and Coke guy. I'll give you that, OK?
Me: What? No. I want a 7 and 7!
Busty Redhead: But a Jack and Coke is $2 cheaper.
Me: That's fine. I don't care if it's $20 cheaper. I want a 7 and 7!
The bartender gave me a dirty look and proceeded to mix my drink, which she probably spit in. Oh well. It helped get me drunk.
2. VIP Bathroom: I walked to the bathroom and was a bit surprised when a black guy, who was standing by the stall door, opened it and held it for me. He then said, "This is the VIP bathroom."
Whoa. VIP bathroom? Did this guy read my Web site? Or was he trying to bang me? This final thought entered my mind because I had recently seen two lesbians kissing each other at the bar. They were both unattractive, so it obviously should've been illegal.
The black guy did not want to bang me, as I soon realized. He was the bathroom attendant, and a charming one at that. I tipped him upon leaving. I later had a discussion about bathroom attendants when we returned to Coyote Ugly with a bigger crowd the following night.
Charlie: I hate bathroom attendants.
Me: Really? I'm a huge fan. I'm all about doing no effort.
Serial Killer: No effort? Do you want him to shake your junk too when you're done?
Me: Umm... I would actually love it if they did that.
Yes, we had a serial killer in our group Friday night, but I'll get into that later.
3. Free Shots: These two hot girls wearing black tank tops, black shorts and knee-high red, furry socks approached us with free shots. The music was loud, so I yelled, "What's in them!?" The blonde just smiled absently, while the brunette went into this 2-minute explanation. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear a single word she said because of the music blaring in the background. I just took one, yelled "thanks" and shoved the concoction into my mouth. It was quite good.
I wanted to note these two girls because the smoking-hot brunette with two sugar daddies from before joined them in a similar outfit at midnight. I guess she was a Coyote Ugly employee as well, but was taking a break or something at the bar across the street.
Something I noticed about Sugar Double Daughter was that she was tiny as hell. I didn't pick up on this at the other bar because she was sitting down the whole time, but it was quite appalling how short she was. She was still super hot, but Charlie and I guessed that she ranged between 4-foot-8 and 4-foot-11. That's when I decided to dub her Tyrion's Girlfriend.
I'll have more on Tyrion's Girlfriend in the next entry as well.
4. The Two-Legged Dog: Coyote Ugly had some contests throughout the night where two girls would have a competition of some sort on the bar, and the champion would win a round of shots for their party. One of these contests saw a slightly chubby girl wearing a dress (a bit hot by Philly standards) and a black chick with a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut begin at the opposite end of the bar. The bartender, an unbelievably hot brunette, told them they had to crawl over to the center like a dog and take a shot without using their arms.
The bartender signaled them to begin. The black chick crawled quickly to the center and attempted to drink the shot. Unfortunately, she knocked the glass over. The slightly chubby girl, meanwhile, was having issues. When she heard "without your arms," she thought she had to crawl to the center of the bar only using her legs. She moved an inch every 10 seconds until the bartender had to tell her that using her arms to crawl was OK.
What an idiot. When she heard "crawl over like a dog," why did she assume she could only use her legs? When she saw the black chick crawling over with all four limbs, it didn't occur to her that this might be OK? She managed to win the competition, but only because the black chick was a slob. Next time, black chick, don't get a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut.
5. Fat Native American: As all of this was going on, most of the men at Coyote Ugly were watching the hot women dance around on the bar. I said "most" because a fat Native American dude was sitting at one of the tables in the back. Throughout the night, random guys would come over and challenge each other to an arm wrestling competition, and the fat Native American would sit there, observe and officiate.
I have no idea why anyone would go to a Coyote Ugly to watch people arm wrestle, but to each his own, I guess. Perhaps he was so thrilled that the bathroom attendant also called him a "VIP" that he decided to make Coyote Ugly his prominent hangout.
At any rate, Charlie said I should check out one more place prior to heading back. It was a bar called Gaspar's Grotto. The interior was cool - there was pirate stuff all over the place and there was a beer pong table in the center of the bar - but the crowd wasn't nearly as good as the one at Coyote Ugly. There was only one hot chick there, and she wore a red dress that resembled a towel of some sort. The rest of the patrons were trashy-looking fat people with tattoos.
What made this bar worse is that Charlie and I had to wait 15 minutes for a drink. I am not exaggerating. We stood there like dumba**es, waiting for the two bartenders. I did the old trick - hold out a $20 bill and look them straight in the eye - but it didn't work. I yelled "excuse me," but nothing. At one point, the female bartender, an attractive girl wearing short jeans shorts, looked at me and said "one second," but she didn't come back until five minutes later. It was ridiculous.
We finally received our drinks. I considered not tipping her at all, but she said "I'll make this extra strong," and poured a ton of Seagram's into the glass. I placed the standard $1 per drink on the bar when a black guy next to me nudged me.
Black Guy: Cigarette?
Me: Nah, I don't have one.
Black Guy: Not what I'm asking. Wanna smoke cigarettes with me?
Me: Umm... what?
Black Guy: Let's go smoke cigarettes.
Me: Nah, that's OK, I'm not trying to get cancer.
OK, so I'm not sure if the black bathroom attendant wanted to bang me, but this black man most certainly did. Ugh. Why did I get hit on by more black dudes than woman on this particular night?
The situation at Gaspar's Grotto only got weirder after that. I told Charlie I wanted to stand by the beer pong table so I could call next. The current game that was going on featured two fat chicks on one side and a tattooed-up dude and a semi-cute redhead on the other. I didn't want to interrupt the guy's game, so I asked the fat girls about having next.
Me: Who's playing next?
Fat Chick: This is the last game. I can't believe he's doing this to me!
Me: Who's doing what to you?
Fat Chick: That guy on the other side of the table is my boyfriend and he's flirting with that girl!
Fat Chick No. 2: Yeah he's totally flirting with her!
Me: Why aren't you playing with him then?
Fat Chick: He said he wanted to play with that girl instead of me!
Me: Does he even know her at all?
Fat Chick: No! He just met her! He said he didn't want to play with me and wanted to play with her instead!
Me: That's kind of weird.
Fat Chick: Yeah! He's not getting any tonight, that's for sure!
Perhaps that was his plan all along. If so, genius.
The game ended with the guy and semi-cute redhead prevailing. I wanted to challenge them, but everyone cleared away from the table. That's when a weird-looking man with a shaved head, dark eyes and earrings approached me.
Weird Dude: We're closing down now, bro. Head up to the front and finish your drink.
Me: You're closing now? It's only 12:40.
Weird Dude: Yeah. Head to the front and finish your drink. I want you to finish your drink, but do it up front.
The hell? What sort of bar closes at 12:40 in a city where last call is at 2:30? It'd be one thing if the place was completely empty, but there were a good 25-30 people in there at the time. Why lose all of that business?
Charlie and I sat down. The 7 and 7 I had was a bit difficult to drink because the bartender made it super strong, but I was getting there. Unfortunately, I was not doing this quickly enough.
Weird Dude: Need a nipple, bro?
Weird Dude: I said, need a nipple, bro?
Me: I heard what you said. I don't understand why you're saying it.
Weird Dude: Because you're nursing the s*** out of that drink, bro.
I thought he wanted me to finish my drink? So, just because I waited 15 minutes for my beverage meant that I had to chug it and then leave? What the hell sort of operation is this?
Weird Dude walked away but came back three minutes later. He didn't say anything, but I could sense him standing behind me. I was so pissed off about what was going on that I decided to drink my 7 and 7 extra slowly. He finally spoke up.
Weird Dude: Don't make me throw you out, bro.
Me: But I'm finishing my drink like you said.
Weird Dude: We need to clear out, bro.
Me: Why? Why are you closing so early?
Weird Dude: Management decision, bro. We need to clear out, and you have to go now.
Me: I waited 15 minutes for this drink. I should be able to finish it.
Weird Dude: I want you to finish your drink. But you better finish it now, or I'll kick you out, bro.
Umm... contradictory much? Again, what sort of bar closes before 1 a.m. when last call in Tampa is normally at 2:30 or so?
My best guess? The aforementioned black guy offered to smoke cigarettes with the owner, who accepted his invitation. They needed the bar cleared out because they wanted to "smoke cigarettes" on the beer pong table. I guess the term "Trampa Bay" doesn't apply to just women.