JERK OF THE WEEK: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore over the past two months. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.
In my Jerks of New Computer Day entry that I published in the middle of April, I wrote the following: "This might be the last Jerks of the Week entry I write on my old computer."
I lied. I'm still using the old one.
Why am I still using my old, slow laptop? It's funny you should ask! I could list a bunch of reasons, but there was one overarching hurdle: I hate learning new things.
Adjusting to a new laptop in itself is no big deal, aside from leaning the new keyboard (more on this later), but this laptop that I purchased runs Windows 8. I noticed this when I made the purchase, but I thought, Windows 7 is easy enough to use. Eight is greater than seven, so Windows 8 should be better than Windows 7. Plus, I like the number eight because it reminds me of chocolate chip cookies, so I'll have an easy time adjusting.
Oh, how wrong and na?ve I was. Windows 8 is super-damn complicated. For those of you who haven't used it yet, they've replaced everything with a flashy screen containing lots of pictures. It took me five minutes to figure out how to go to the desktop. And that's when it happened - that a**hole system update window saying that your computer will restart automatically in 10 minutes popped up. Whoever decided it was a good idea to put that on computers is a gigantic piece of s***. Seriously, he needs to be hanged. What if you're typing something important and happen to step away from the computer for a bit? You come back, and it restarted because of some bogus system update. Ugh. If you're the dick who invented this, and you happen to be reading this, f*** you.
Where was I? Oh yeah, that system-countdown window popped up. On my old laptop, I used to click on the Windows symbol in the bottom left and type "cmd" in the area where it says "search programs and files." I then opened that up (using right click to run it as admin) and entered "net stop "windows update"". It would then completely disappear for like two weeks. It was an awesome trick I picked up via Google search. However, I couldn't do this on my new laptop because there is no Windows symbol on the bottom left. I tried Googling to find an answer, but the clock hit zero by the time I could find a solution. And thus, my new laptop restarted and installed some super-serious updates, I'm sure.
So, how do you get to "cmd" in Windows 8? You go to the Windows 8 screen and type "cmd." That would be simple - if they would have just made a freaking notification on the damn screen telling you to type if you want to search for files. I have no idea why they made this so cryptic.
Windows 8 feels like the same type of gibberish. Granted, I don't speak the Asian language, but that's my exact point. Windows 7 and Windows 8 are completely different languages despite only being one number apart. I might be a fat, stupid man, but that seems ridiculous to me.
At any rate, I recently wrote down a list of 10 goals I want to accomplish this summer. One of the items on that list is "figure out new laptop." So, I sat down one afternoon and used all of my energy to solve Windows 8. It ultimately wasn't too bad. The most grueling thing about this experience was actually discovering a way to install automatic last song, next song, stop, play and pause buttons on my keyboard. My old HP has those and makes listening to music very convenient, but this new laptop is missing those keys for some strange reason. Way to go, Sony. Luckily, I was able to find a solution on Google. I downloaded something called "Windows Media Player Plus," and using that, I was able to assign the four blank F keys at the top to function as last song, next song, stop and play/pause. Huzzah!
I was all in at that point. I was prepared to permanently begin working on my new laptop. I was excited about scratching one of the items off my goal list. All that was left was installing Microsoft Office...
And that didn't work. Excel functioned normally, but whenever I started up Word, it would freeze as soon as I tried to do something. I uninstalled and reinstalled it. I did a quick repair and an online repair. I searched Google for answers. I tried everything, yet nothing worked. I was just glad at that point that I didn't pay tons of money for Microsoft Office.
Oh, wait, never mind. I thought for a second that we lived in a world where Microsoft Office was available at a reasonable price. As my neighbor joked, "I'm just glad Microsoft doesn't own the rights to water, or they'd charge you $5 every time you took a sip from a water fountain."
What did I do to fix this problem? Go to Best Buy and get the Geek Squad's help, of course! My computer came with one year of Geek Squad service, so I figured that this was my best solution. Oh, how wrong I was...
There was only one person in front of me in the Geek Squad line. I thought that wouldn't be a big deal, but I completely underestimated the incompetence of the woman behind the counter. She was a fat, black lady with giant hoop earrings and soulless eyes. Looking half-asleep, she was with a customer who was an even more obese woman, and whatever she was doing was taking forever. I zoned out at first, but after about five minutes, I paid attention to see what the holdup was.
Soulless-Eyed Lady: What's yo numba?
Obese Customer: It's 2-1-5.
Soulless-Eyed Lady: Hold up one minute, you said first numba 2?
Obese Customer: Yes. 2-1-5.
Soulless-Eyed Lady: What come afta numba 2?
Obese Customer: One.
Just inputting Obese Customer's number into the computer took two minutes alone. I guess I had a pissed expression on my face because Soulless-Eyed Lady looked at me and said, "I be wit you in one minute."
It took 10 more minutes, but it was finally my turn. More frustration ensued.
Soulless-Eyed Lady: Welcome to Best Buy, whatchu want?
Me: My Microsoft Word doesn't work. I bought this laptop here about...
Soulless-Eyed Lady: Oh, so you gotta computa problem?
Me: Uhh... yes.
Soulless-Eyed Lady: OK, Geek Squad only set up via appointment now but maybe you can try ta walk in, whatchu wanna do?
You need an appointment to see Geek Squad now? What the hell is up with that? On the brochure they gave me, it says, "Geek Squad is on duty, 24/7/365, ready to serve you." It doesn't say anything about any sort of appointment. I never needed an appointment before, so why would I need one now?
Me: Can I see someone now?
Soulless-Eyed Lady: Lemme check the computa.
It took Soulless-Eyed Lady five minutes to do whatever she did, but she somehow determined that I could walk in now. "Go to the otha winda, and somebody will be wit you real quick," she said.
This would turn out to be another broken promise.
Geek Squad, Part One:
I waited there for 10 minutes. Various Geek Squad people walked by the window, but not one said a single word to me. I even tried to yell "excuse me," but that didn't work. One tall, lanky black dude heard me. He replied "one minute," but never returned. Eventually, this skinny, woman resembling Skeletor with a wig noticed me.
Wigged Skeletor: Are you being helped?
Me: No, I've just been standing here like an a**hole for 10 minutes.
That's what I wanted to say. I told her I was not being helped, so she fetched some young black guy with glasses. The glasses made him look smart, but I quickly discovered that it was all a facade.
Bespectacled Worker: What seem to be the problem, sir?
Me: My Microsoft Word doesn't work. Excel does, but Word doesn't.
Sure enough, Microsoft Word failed again when he tested it. Bespectacled Worker then began typing away. He was interrupted a minute later when a non-Geek squad Best Buy employee, a semi-attractive Mexican chick, yelled to get his attention.
Mexican Chick Worker: Ain't nobody back there to help wit the lines?
Bespectacled Worker: Whatchu mean?
Mexican Chick Worker: The line gettin' too long!
I looked, and sure enough, there were now eight people waiting for Soulless-Eyed Lady as she sluggishly worked with her current customer. Thank the seven gods that I hadn't walked into Best Buy 20 minutes later. I would've been waiting there for hours.
To make it worse, neither Mexican Chick Worker nor Bespectacled Worker had any motivation to fix this problem.
Mexican Chick Worker: Tell somebody to come help wit the lines!
Bespectacled Worker: Nah, I don't feel like doin' it, you do it.
Mexican Chick Worker: Why you don't feel like doin' it? You scared or sometin?
Bespectacled Worker: I ain't scared, I jus don't feel like doin' it.
Mexican Chick Worker: I don't feel like doin' it neitha!
Wow. This is one of many reasons why our country is going down the crapper. It's not that we don't have enough jobs; it's that we have too many idiot workers who don't give a damn. I can confidently say that I'm never going to that Best Buy again. But since I was already there, I was going to allow Bespectacled Man to fix my Word problem.
I left my laptop and number, and he told me that he'd call me in a half hour. My old gym is right around the corner from that Best Buy, so I figured I'd kill time by working out...
Homeless Clown Lady:
It's a tradition. Every time I go to that Best Buy, I stop by my old gym, and I see Homeless Clown Lady.
I've written about this strange individual on a couple of occasions. I described her as, "one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever seen. Her long, brown hair looked like it hadn't been washed in months. She had thick veins protruding the skin on her neck and forehead. She was wearing a purple shirt that had stains on it. And worst of all, it appeared as though a blind person put on her makeup."
Homeless Clown Lady was doing some leg workout when I entered the weight room, so I didn't think anything of it. I did some bench press sets and minded my own business. However, after my third set, I caught Homeless Clown Lady acting weirder than ever. I took some notes on my phone so I wouldn't forget anything:
"Homeless clown lady is walking around with a spray bottle and spraying the walls. I have no idea what she thinks she's doing."
The spray bottle she was using is the one people are supposed to clean machines with after they're doing using them. I never bother to do this because I'm an indifferent douche, but Homeless Clown Lady apparently felt the need that she had to wipe down the wall. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why, and I still haven't come up with an answer.
My weight-lifting session lasted about a half hour. Bespectacled Man still hadn't called. I figured he ran into an issue, so I decided to go swimming to pass the time. A mile later (another half hour), I got dressed and checked my phone. Still no call. I had nothing else to do at the gym, so I drove back to Best Buy...
Geek Squad, Part Two:
The first thing I noticed upon reentering the Best Buy was that there was no longer a line for Geek Squad. Soulless-Eyed Woman was gone, and she was replaced by someone who was actually moving pretty quickly. Coincidence?
I stood by the Geek Squad Window. Again, I waited for what seemed like 10 minutes despite several employees walking by me. Wigged Skeletor once again saved me. I told her that I dropped my laptop off an hour ago, so she went away and summoned the tall, lanky guy I mentioned earlier.
Tall, Lanky Employee: Which computa yo's?
Me: The Sony Vaio - that one right there.
Tall, Lanky Worker: What problem you come in for?
Me: My Microsoft Word didn't work.
Tall, Lanky worker: Oh yeah, I rememba that. That problem got fix.
Really!? So why didn't anyone call me!? Argh!
Tall, Lanky Worker grabbed my computer just as Bespectacled Worker waltzed over. "I re-install Microsoft Office, so the problem got fix," he said. He then opened up Word normally. But that was never the issue. It always froze when I tried typing something, so I hit a key, and it froze again. Both employees looked completely befuddled.
Bespectacled Worker: I don't understand what the problem is. I re-install Microsoft Office so I thought it would work!
Wow. That's what I did. At home. When I sought Geek Squad's help, I figured some pimply virgin nerd would fix the issue in a matter of minutes. However, I actually put more effort into the problem than these illiterate buffoons. And speaking of effort, why didn't he bother checking if Word worked or not before telling me that he solved the problem? Is he that lazy?
Bespectacled Worker: I am confuse by this problem. What I can do is have someone go through the problem, step by step.
Me: OK, how long is that going to take?
Bespectacled Worker: I would say one week maybe.
Me: One week!?
Bespectacled Worker: Maybe bess-case scenario is two or three days cause we gotta go through the problem, step by step. Worse-case scenario, we gotta delete the entire hard drive and we re-install Windows.
My God, what is this world coming to? I was so pissed and frustrated at that moment, I just froze. I didn't know what to do. Bespectacled Worker handed me some paper to sign. I was so mad, I didn't even read it. I handed it back to him, and he said that he'd call me when the problem "got fix."