Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013





Jerks of the Week: Dec. 16, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man

As you may know, I like to swim for my workouts. This has been difficult over the years - fat women have tried to eat me, while naked men with their sagging, crusty balls patrol the locker room - but I've persevered. However, it's sometimes difficult to go swimming for various reasons:

1. Thunderstorms: Both of my gyms close their pools in the event of a thunderstorm. I don't quite get this because both pools are indoors. What's the lightning going to do, crash through the window and zap the water? Not too realistic. I understand the gyms being on the cautious side to prevent lawsuits from happening, but I'd like to take my chances. Lightning's a p***y, and as far as I know, thunder hasn't killed too many people.

2. Cold Water: I prefer water heated to 82 degrees or warmer. The actual ideal temperature for me is 86 degrees. Being a fat man, I need comfortable water. Unfortunately, sometimes my new gym pool has the water at 78 or 80 degrees. I don't even bother going in at that point. I just walk out of the gym and drive home, completely defeated. You may call me a wuss for this, but I have no desire to freeze to death.

3. Cold Temperatures Outside: I prefer not to leave my house if it's colder than 55 degrees outside. This makes it impossible to swim in the frigid October, November, December, January, February, March, April, sometimes May and sometimes September months.

4. Holidays: Gyms are closed for holidays. That's fine. But my old gym closes randomly for holidays no one has ever heard of. For instance, I drove over on the last Thursday of September. There was no one in the parking lot, save for one of the lifeguards.

Lifeguard: Sorry, the gym is closed for the holiday.

Me: Wait, there's a holiday? What holiday?

Lifeguard: No idea. I think it's Flag Day or something.

Me: Are you f***ing kidding me?

Lifeguard: Nope. Sorry.

Me: So, what are you doing here?

Lifeguard: They keep camp open, so I have to work. But the gym's closed for members.

Unf***ing real. I wish I were making this up.

5. Cheetos: Sometimes I spend so much time eating Cheetos that I don't have a chance to go swimming.

As you can see, swimming is a difficult process. So, when my mom suggested that I should buy an elliptical for my house, I considered that to be a great idea. I wouldn't have to worry about thunderstorms, cold water, freezing temperatures or Flag Day. I could also eat Cheetos while on the machine.

I went over to Dick's Sporting Goods near the end of April. I ordered the most expensive machine - it had an Internet screen on it - because I could use it as a tax write-off (corporate wellness program, plus I can work on it). It came with free shipping and installation, which was pretty convenient because I don't know how to put anything together. It took about a week to arrive, but a portly black man in his 30s showed up with a giant box the following Tuesday...


Elliptical Assembler:

"My guy ain't showned up so you gonna haveta help me carry da box upstair."

This was the first thing Elliptical Assembler said to me. I should've realized then that this wasn't going to end well, but I was na�ve and stupid.

I told Elliptical Assembler that I had a bad back, so he gave me two options:

1. "We gon' leave da box here and you gon' haveta put it togetha."

2. "You could try carryin' the lighta side of da box upstair."

The machine would never get assembled if I left it downstairs, so I sucked it up and grabbed the lighter side. Not only was the box super heavy; it was large, so it nearly slipped out of my hands. I was going up the stairs first, so if I let it fall, it would have collapsed on the Elliptical Assembler. It wasn't the smartest plan, but it somehow worked.

Once the box was placed down in my soon-to-be exercise room, Elliptical Assembler asked me a question.

Elliptical Assembler: You ain't goin' nowhere today, are you?

Me: No, why?

Elliptical Assembler: Well usually dis take about two or three hour to assemble, but dis my last job of the day and I ain't tryin' to go home early.

Me: Why not?

Elliptical Assembler: My girl got pregnant and I ain't tryin' to be around her anymo'.

Me: Really?

Elliptical Assembler: Yeah she annoyin' the hell outta me, always axin for food and what nots. I'm like, "B***h, why don't you go get yo own damn food?"

Yeah, this guy's going to be a great dad.

Elliptical Assembler built my machine, while I typed up stuff for the site in my office, which was the adjacent room. He intermittently walked into my office and asked me questions.

Elliptical Assembler: You gots lots of parties goin' on 'round hmyall?

Me: Yeah.

Elliptical Assembler: Next time you havin' a party, gimme a call, I'ma stop by.

Me: OK, will do.

Elliptical Assembler: Coo, coo, I'm tryinta be outta da house as much as possible because my girl pregnant.

Me: I hear ya.

Elliptical Assembler: Aight, aight, I lookin' forward to the next party. We gonna go buck wild.

It's safe to say that I'm never calling this guy for any sort of party.

Elliptical Assembler finished four hours later. The machine looked complete, but there was all of this grease on the silver bars near the legs of the machine. He saw me eying that, so he addressed it.

Elliptical Assembler: You just gotta wipe dis thing down wit' a papah towel, and it gonna be all good.

Me: Ugh.

Elliptical Assembler: Aight, aight, I'll do it. I'ma clean up all dis trash boxes too.

He didn't do any of that. To this day, there's still grease on the silver bars, and none of the trash boxes were taken outside. I had to do that myself.

Once all of the trash was outside, I tried out the elliptical. The Internet console worked well, but the machine squeaked loudly. I then sensed that something was wrong. It took me about a minute to realize, but the handlebars were inverted. They were facing downward instead of upward, so holding on to them was extremely awkward.

Fortunately, I had Elliptical Assembler's number because he gave it to me so I could invite him to my next party...





Elliptical Assembler Part II:

I called him immediately.

Elliptical Assembler: Hello, who dis?

Me: Hey, it's Walt.

Elliptical Assembler: Who Walt?

Me: The guy whose elliptical you just assembled.

Elliptical Assembler: Hmm...

Me: The guy who throws parties at his house.

Elliptical Assembler: Oh Walt, what's goin' on? You gots a party comin' up?

Me: No, I was calling because the elliptical handlebars are inverted.

Elliptical Assembler: Whatchu mean?

Me: They're facing downward instead of upward.

Elliptical Assembler: Whatchu mean?

Me: I can't hold them because they're facing the wrong direction.

Elliptical Assembler: Aight, aight, I'ma check it out but I can't do dis until Thursday mornin' because I got jobs all day tomorrow.

He told me he'd arrive at my house at 8 a.m. that following Thursday. I always go to bed late because I'm working on this site, so 8 o'clock in the morning is an ungodly hour for me. I had no choice, so I manned up and set my alarm for 7:45.

Of course, Elliptical Assembler didn't show up until 9 a.m. When he arrived he said that he got lost. For an hour? Really?

It took him about a half hour to fix the handlebars, but then he spent another half hour talking to me.

Elliptical Assembler: So, you livin' here all by yourselves?

Me: Yup.

Elliptical Assembler: Man, you livin' da life.

Me: Am I?

Elliptical Assembler: Yeah man, this girl who got pregnant, she a pain in my a**, always axin me to pick up food for her or take her to the doctas. I'm like, "B***h, you can drive yo' own damn selves to the doctas."

Me: Ouch. That's pretty rough.

Elliptical Assembler: Yeah man, that's why I'm tryin' ta party as much as possibles. You say you gonna call me when one of yo' parties go down?

Me: Yup.

Elliptical Assembler: Coo, coo.

I've yet to invite this guy to a single party. He's probably sitting at home during weekends, waiting for his phone to ring, all while his future baby momma makes ridiculous demands. What a rough life.







Elliptical Company:

I've been using my machine at least twice per week. It seemed to work well at first - I use the Internet console to mostly watch YouTube videos - but I eventually figured out what caused the squeaking noise. One of the bolts was missing in the left leg of the machine. This caused the leg to come loose. I checked for spare parts, but there weren't any. This means that the elliptical company didn't send enough parts, or the Elliptical Assembler screwed up. Guess which I'm leaning toward?

Anyway, I didn't think this was a big deal until one day, when I finished a workout, the left leg completely fell out of its socket and collapsed on the floor. It wasn't broken or anything - I was able to reattach it - but it was going to keep happening until the bolt was replaced.

I called the elliptical company the following day. The automated machine told me to have the model and serial number ready. I checked the manual and found the model number, but the serial number was blank. I looked further and saw that I could find the serial number under one of the legs. However, I searched and couldn't find it.

Eventually, a middle-aged woman with a Midwestern accent answered. She asked for the model and serial number. I told her I couldn't find the latter. She said it was under the machine. I tried to pick it up, but it was so heavy that I couldn't even get it an inch off the ground.

Me: I can't pick this thing up. It's way too heavy.

Elliptical Woman: Well, I'm sorry sir, I can't send you parts or service without a serial number.

Me: But I can't get the serial number.

Elliptical Woman: I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Me: So what am I supposed to do? I can't even get it an inch off the ground!

Elliptical Woman: Do you have a friend or family member who can come over and help you? We'll be open for another hour and 20 minutes, so you can just call back.

Me: Wait, you want me to call someone and make them come out of their way to help me lift up an elliptical so I can get a serial number? What if the two of us can't lift it?

Elliptical Woman: I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Me: I also have a bad back. What if I hurt it while trying to lift it?

Elliptical Woman: I'm sorry, sir. My hands are tied here. We have rules and regulations I need to abide by.

Me: But I don't understand these rules and regulations.

Elliptical Woman: Sir, believe it or not, but some people are dishonest and may ask for parts so they can sell them off.

Me: But I'm missing one small part. Maybe two, max. I told you my model number. I can tell you where I bought it, as well as the exact date of purchase because I have the receipt here.

Elliptical Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but there are rules and regulations, and I need a serial number.

Me: But I can't get you the serial number! So, is my machine destined to be broken forever?

Elliptical Woman: I'm sorry, sir, rules are rules, and I need to abide by them.

I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle this woman. Seriously, I needed one bolt and perhaps some sort of screw. She kept saying that her hands were tied, so I asked to speak to her manager.

I was put on hold for about five minutes. The same woman eventually responded.

Elliptical Woman: Sir, the reason I can't help you is because each machine comes with a 3-year warranty, and sometimes there are those who are dishonest and will lie about the date of purchase to receive free parts and service. With the serial number, we can verify the date of purchase.

Me: Well, like I said, I have my receipt right here, and I can tell you that I bought the machine on April 20.

Elliptical Woman: Sir, I still need the serial number. Are you sure you can't call two friends to come over? We're still open for another hour and five minutes, so feel free to call back!

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

I was about to lose all hope when something seemed to click inside this woman's head.

Elliptical Woman: Sir, I'm looking at your model number, and based on that, I can determine that the line of ellipticals you have was built in 2012.

Me: Right, so that means I'm definitely still covered by that warranty.

Elliptical Woman: OK, sir, I'll make you a deal.

A deal? Really?

Me: What kind of deal?

Elliptical Woman: I'll send you the parts this time, but next time you call, I won't be able to do anything without the serial number.

Me: Fine.

Elliptical Woman: Also, you must hear my offer for iFit. It's a great exercise program, sir, and it's available for $59.99 for the year. You don't have to purchase it, but I'd like to show it to you, and I'm sure you'll want to add it to your package if you love exercise.

This was super ridiculous, but I agreed to it because she had me by the balls. I spent a half hour looking at the iFit Web site with her. I told her I'd think about it.

We then went through the manual to determine which parts I was missing.

Elliptical Woman: Sir, it looks like you're missing Parts 43 and 57.

Me: Yeah that sounds about right.

Elliptical Woman: I can't believe the man who built this for you left the machine unfinished. How unprofessional.

You don't say? I had the urge to reply, "Pot calling the kettle black, much?" but decided against it. She'd renege on her deal, and I'd either have to work out on a broken machine or buy that damn iFit package. I'd almost rather hang out with Elliptical Assembler at the next party.




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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 24


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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