I've written about my dad's reactions to the various crappy players the Philadelphia 76ers have selected over the years in my live draft blogs. I've lost track of how many times he has sworn at the TV and yelled at the current 76ers' general manager for being a completely incompetent buffoon. My dad screams and swears because he cares; he loves his 76ers, as incompetent as they may be.
Believe it or not, but the 76ers aren't my dad's favorite team. That would be the Philadelphia Flyers. He watches their games every night, even when they happen to be terrible. That happens to be the case this season, which is why I was surprised when my mom asked me if we wanted to split the Christmas gift of Flyers tickets for my dad.
Me: But they suck this year. I was thinking about that present when they're actually good.
Mom: Oh, he'll love it anyway!
All right. I logged onto Stub Hub and ordered six tickets for us, my girlfriend, my sister and her fiance. The date: Jan. 15, 2015. The opponent: the Vancouver Canucks. Game on!
The Urine Story:
I figured I'd find plenty of Jerks of the Week material at the game, but my dad offered some on the drive over. "Put this story in your Jerks of the Month article," he said. "This happened to me a couple of weeks ago..."
I was driving and I really had to take a piss. I tried to find a McDonald's or some other restaurant, and I couldn't find one! I felt like my bladder was about to explode, so I pulled into an empty parking lot. There were a couple of cars there, but they were on the other side of the lot. I zipped open my pants, took my coffee cup, and then... this idiot woman pulls up and parks RIGHT NEXT TO ME! WHAT A F***ING B***H! SHE HAD THE WHOLE F***ING PARKING LOT, BUT SHE JUST HAD TO PARK NEXT TO ME! F***ING C**T!
I waited for this b***h to leave her car so I could take a piss, but she just sat there in her car. So, I went to another empty parking lot. This one didn't have any lights, so I couldn't really see what I was doing. But I zipped open my pants, took that coffee cup and started pissing in it. No f***ing b***h pulled up to me this time, thank f***ing God. I put my finger near the top so I could tell when it was full, but I didn't feel anything. That's when I realized I peed all over my car floor; it was so dark, I couldn't see where I was peeing.
So, I made sure I aimed this time, and I finished pissing in the coffee cup. I rolled down the window and threw the piss-filled coffee out - and right at that moment, there was a strong gust of wind that blew the urine from the cup right on my face! My face was covered in my own piss!
If that wasn't an omen that the night wouldn't go well, I don't know what would have been.
General Flyers Game Observations:
I know you're going to be shocked by this, but I have a few things to complain about...
1. My parents took me to some 76ers' games when I was a kid. I had fun, but parking was a nightmare. I recall waiting for what seemed like hours to both find a parking spot and to leave the parking lot.
This was back in the 90s. It's now 2015, and yet parking still sucks just as much. It's remarkable. We can communicate with someone across the globe instantly via e-mail, and we can send videos of our wangs to these people in split seconds, and yet event parking hasn't been solved yet.
We arrived at the stadium around 6:05, a good 55 minutes before the puck would be dropped, yet by the time we got to our seats, we had just seven minutes left. That's how long it took to park our car! At one point, we were standing still at the same spot for five minutes. I don't know what the people in the car holding everything up were doing. It's like the parking attendant was waiting for them to finish jacking off to their favorite porno; I can't think of any other explanation for not budging at all for five minutes.
This enraged me. That's because I saw kiosks for Chickie's & Pete's heading toward our seats, but I didn't have enough time to purchase their delicious crab fries before the game started - all because the a**holes who run the stadium can't figure out the parking situation!
Here's a possible solution: You know how people with EZ-Pass can just go through toll booths quickly? Those who buy season tickets for Flyers games should be given something similar, so all they'd have to do is have their car scanned as they enter lot. They'd park quicker, which would hasten the process for everyone tremendously. Unfortunately, this will never happen because the morons who run event parking are inbred hicks who haven't graduated middle school.
2. I don't know if it was because of my awesome John LeClair throwback jersey, or the new spiffy haircut I just got, or because I was with my girlfriend, but I got looks from at least five good-looking chicks that said, "I want to take you into the janitor's closet, rip your clothes off, strap you to a chair, shove Viagra down your throat, and rape the s*** out of you until the game is over!"
Kind of inappropriate. First of all, janitor's closets are disgusting. Second, I'm with my girlfriend. And third, this is a freaking hockey game. If you want to bang dudes, meet them at bars afterward. I came to this game ready to stuff hot dogs and Chickie's & Pete's crab fries down my throat, all while washing all of it down with beer. I wanted to be a fat slob; expecting me to get sexually abused in such fashion just made me stressed out because of the high expectations.
3. The Flyers announced a raffle for a "50-50" multiple times throughout the game, and the amount in the 50-50 remained beneath the score on the Jumbotron all evening. At one point, I heard the guy to the right of me murmur to his friend, "Yo, the 50-50 got to 20 grand, we gotta buy some tickets!"
It made me realize how much of a Ponzi scheme the 50-50 raffle is. Sure, winning 50 percent of more than 20 grand sounds nice, but the odds are not in the fans' favor. There are options to spend $20 on multiple 50-50 tickets, which is just insane. They announce the winner of the 50-50 near the end of the third period by posting a ticket number on the Jumbotron. For all anyone knows, this number could be a complete fabrication; it could be no one's number, which allows the Flyers to pocket all the money they raked in themselves.
I personally think it's genius. If people are dumb enough to blindly buy these tickets in hopes of scoring half of 20 grand at a sporting event, they deserve to lose money. And with this money, the Flyers might even be able to resolve their parking problems with an EZ-pass-type solution. Right. As if that'll ever happen.
Fans Around Me:
There were plenty of a**holes worth writing about who were sitting near us. The guy right in front of me was wearing this obnoxiously long pointy hat. It's like he was some sort of wizard. The sorcerer's hat obstructed my view of what was going on in the near side of the rink right in front of me, so I always had to maneuver myself when there was action in front of me. This usually happened to be the case because we were sitting near the Canucks' end of the ice, where the Flyers were trying to score in the first and third periods.
The wizard was actually the least-annoying person around me. Just prior to the puck dropping, my girlfriend asked me if there were any Canucks' fans. It was hard to spot any in the sea of orange and black in the stands, but when asked she finished asking her question, two chicks sat down a few seats to the right of me.
Both of these chicks were Asian skanks wearing Canucks' jerseys. OK, well, that's not fair. On the off chance that they happen to be reading this site, I need to apologize to them. I'm sorry. The two skanks may not have been Asian. It's possible the skanks could've been Hawaiian, or perhaps even American Samoan.
The Asian/Hawaiian/Samoan skanks pissed me off. Not only were their Canucks' jerseys obnoxiously blue, but they constantly laughed at the Flyers' ineptitude. When the Flyers attempted their one shot on their power play, a weak effort, they laughed and cackled, "OMG this team sucks hahaha!"
You know what, Asian/Hawaiian/Samoan skanks? You can go back to Asia, Hawaii, Samoa or whatever stupid country you're from. We know the Flyers suck; you don't have to rub it in our faces!
Meanwhile, some guy sat down next to me during the second period. This pissed me off because the seats were so cramped that it made me claustrophobic. I was able to space out when the seat next to me was empty, but he just had to sit down to the right of me in the second period.
This was the same genius who told his friend that they should purchase 50-50 tickets. He spent the rest of the time moaning and groaning about how much the Flyers were sucking.
"I live and die by my team, bro," he stated at one point. "This team's playin' so bad, but I'm still livin' and dyin' by my team, bro."
Uhh... OK? Why? I understand rooting for a team and buying jerseys and other paraphernalia, but "living and dying" by a team seems kind of stupid. Maybe you should, I don't know, advance your career so that the Flyers aren't the most important thing in your life.
I suppose it's a good thing that he is the one living and dying by the Flyers. It would've been much more worrisome if he had said, "All of these people live and die by my team bro," because he would've whipped out a gun and shot those around him in the event of a Flyers' loss.
Well, I guess if he took out the wizard and the two skanks, I wouldn't mind that too much.
There was some commotion in our section. Halfway through the first period, event security grabbed hold of a man and escorted him out of his seat. Why? Because he was insanely drunk.
Words can't appropriately describe how intoxicated this guy was. His eyes were rolling in the back of his head, there was drool coming out of his mouth, and he couldn't even stand up straight. It took four security guards just to lead him down the narrow steps. It's a miracle he didn't topple over and drag everyone down with him.
I could understand if this guy had to be escorted out of the arena during second intermission, but he couldn't even make it to the latter stages of the first period! How could he get intoxicated so quickly? I suppose he drank heavily before the game, but why? It's not like there was any major tailgating going on prior to a Flyers-Canucks matchup on a cold Thursday night.
Meanwhile, we had some issues with event staff ourselves. My girlfriend and my sister decided to go to the bathroom prior to first intermission. I told my girlfriend to buy me Chickie's & Pete's crab fries, which I was craving the entire time. She went toward the stairs, but had to wait for my sister, who was getting money from her fiance. As my girlfriend waited, she sat down so she wouldn't obstruct the view of the Asian/Hawaiian/Samoan skanks, which was nice of her.
The security guard didn't think so. This middle-aged woman, who wore 50 pounds of makeup and looked like an ugly toad with a perm, barked, "Don't block the aisle, miss!"
Huh? So, what's my girlfriend supposed to do, stand in front of the Asian/Hawaiian/Samoan skanks? Leave the seating area prematurely without my sister? Squeeze by everyone to go back to her seat until my sister was ready? My girlfriend later complained, "You're a f***ing rent-a-cop. Stop wearing so much makeup, b***h!"
I assume this security guard was just mad because she was so ugly. If I looked like a hideous toad with perm, I'd be pissed off all the time too. Then again, I'm pissed off all the time now, so I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I were so disgusting-looking.
The Flyers planned various events during the intermissions. On both occasions, they had little kids play hockey against each other. There wasn't any scoring, as most of the kids just flopped and fell down; the South Park depiction of this was very accurate.
I was rooting for all of the kids to lose. I don't even know if that was possible, but if an announcer exclaimed, "And after some boring hockey where there were more flops than shots on goal, all of these kids lose!" I would've been extremely happy.
My girlfriend asked me why I wanted all of the kids to lose, and my answer was simple: No one asked me to play hockey during Flyers' intermissions when I was growing up. I would've loved to do this. Why are these a**holes allowed to play hockey, and I wasn't!?
At any rate, the fat sideline reporter who constantly made announcements on the Jumbotron dubbed the goalie to be the "Mite of the Night." He asked him all sorts of questions like, "What were you thinking when you made that one save!?" and "Can I have half of your hot dog for interviewing you!?" He also asked the kid who his favorite Flyer was. I thought it'd be funny if the kid just made up a name like "Matt Waffle" or something, prompting the fat guy to look at him quizzically and ask, "Who the f*** is Matt Waffle?"
Maybe that's why they didn't let me play hockey when I was a kid.
Meanwhile, the Flyers also made an announcement for some wounded warrior who returned home from war. Everyone stood and cheered for him, but I did not. My girlfriend looked appalled and asked why I wasn't standing. First of all, the wizard in front of us wasn't standing either, and given that he's wiser than anyone in the stadium, I thought I should follow his lead. Second, we were all the way on the upper deck. The wounded warrior wasn't going to know if I stood or not. It's not like he was going to cry himself to sleep, muttering, "Why didn't that one fat guy stand up for me!?"
And most importantly, I had the Chickie's & Pete's crab fries in my hand. I was too busy eating them, and I also had to worry about my beer spilling. Again, the seats were so narrow that I would've spilled my fries and/or beer trying to sit down after standing for a few seconds for someone I never met before.
Sure, this guy defended this country for me and others, but I think he'd understand it if I didn't stand up just so I could preserve my crab fries and beer. That, after all, is what this country is all about.
In the end, the Flyers lost 4-0. Their goalie was terrible, while Vancouver's goalie dominated the contest. Philadelphia never had a chance, and the crowd booed heavily once the final buzzer went off.
But did my dad have a good time?
"Watching the Flyers is better on TV," he said.
I don't blame him for feeling that way. With obnoxious wizards, Asian/Hawaiian/Samoan skanks, and dumb kids at the game, it's so much better to stay home. Besides, my dad could just use his own bathroom rather than urinating in the busy Flyers' parking lot.