It feels good to type "Jerks of the Old Gym." It's very comforting. It makes me reminisce about all of the great times I had at my old gym in the past.
For instance, I wrote about how I was nearly eaten by a pair of fat women in the pool nearly four years ago (crazy it's been that long). In the same entry, I discussed Russian Yoda, a goofy old man who used to say things like "A day wizout laugh iz a day vizout money, I remember" and "Best time to swim at night, eight o'clock, agree you?"
I later discussed someone I dubbed No Space Man, a guy who wasn't invited to his "best friend's" birthday party because there was "no space" for him. I would've felt sorry for the guy, but he turned out to be a perv who tried to A) invite himself over to my house to use my hot tub and B) zip up a 10-year-old boy's jeans.
There have been many other jerks at my old gym. There were old men who walked around naked with their crusty balls flailing around. There were weirdos in the steam room who ruined my time by hitting themselves with leaves and branches. There were also strange Asian people who monopolized the basketball court by playing this strange, heterosexually challenged game where they did nothing but run around and kick a ball to each other and occasionally toward a net. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Why am I bringing up old jerks, you ask? Well, I took a trip to my old gym recently, and I quickly realized that no matter how much time elapses, nothing there ever changes. There are still fat women. There are still perverts. There are still naked old men. There are still people who piss me off in the steam room. There are still foreigners who do strange things. And I saw all of these people - on just one trip!
There are glass windows that overlook the pool area. When I was in high school, my friend would always look through those windows so he could check out the hot lifeguard working there. What he always failed to grasp is that it's quite easy to spot any peeping Toms through those windows. He didn't realize that the hot lifeguard always knew he was staring at her. I discovered this when her not-so-hot friend approached me one day.
Not-So-Hot Friend: Hey, why does your friend always stare at my friend at the pool?
Me: I... uhh... what? No, he doesn't look through those windows, I swear!
Not-So-Hot Friend: She sees him all the time! He stares at her every day!
Me: Oh... I guess he thinks she's hot.
Not-So-Hot Friend: Eww, he does? Eww! Ewwwww!!!
My friend ended up banging the hot lifeguard's even hotter younger sister, which is pretty amusing. The point of this story, however, is that I immediately walked toward those windows upon entering the gym. But before you get the wrong idea, I wasn't doing this to check out any hot lifeguards, partly because there haven't been any female lifeguards at my old gym in about four years. Literally, four years. I think it's because they're afraid creepy dudes will look at them through those windows.
My objective was to see how crowded the pool was. If there were fewer than three people in each lane, I'd go swimming; on the contrary, if the pool had tons of old people/corpses floating around, I'd go to the weight room. Luckily, it was pretty empty.
I was fortunate because I was able to spot my first jerk on the way to those windows, a slim man around 60 with thick, Joe Paterno-style glasses and an obvious black toupee with gray hair on the side. He was pacing back and forth near the women's locker room upon my arrival, so I assumed he was waiting for his wife or daughter. This, however, was not the case, as I found out once he began shouting into the women's locker room.
Old Pervert: I'm going in there!
Shouting Woman: Don't come in here!
Old Pervert: I need to find my wife, Anna Rosenboig!
Shouting Woman: There's no one else in here!
Old Pervert: She has blond hair, blue eois! Please search for her!
Shouting Woman: There's no one else here!
Old Pervert: Anna? Anna, honey, I'm coming in!
Shouting Woman: If you come in here, I'll alert the front desk!
Old Pervert: Where's my wife, Anna Roiseboig!?
Shouting Woman: This is the fifth time I've told you this - she's not here! No one is!
Old Pervert: I'm going in! Get ready, I'm going in!
Shouting Woman: SIR, DO NOT COME IN HERE!
Old Pervert: But I need to find my wife, Anna Rosenboig!
Shouting Woman: SHE'S NOT HERE!!!!
Old Pervert: Anna? Anna!? Anna!?!?!?
Shouting Woman: GO AWAY! SHE MIGHT BE IN ANOTHER BATHROOM! YOU'VE BEEN SHOUTING FOR 15 MINUTES, BUT I KEEP TELLING YOU SHE'S NOT HERE! GO AWAY!
Old Pervert: I'm gonna come in if Anna doesn't come out in two minutes!
Old Pervert finally noticed that I was eavesdropping. He gave me a puzzled look, as if he wasn't all there. It seemed like he had Alzheimer's or something, though he appeared a bit too young for it. Then again, why would he continuously shout the same thing over and over again?
And that's when it dawned on me: This guy was using his apparent Alzheimer's as a ruse! He hadn't forgotten that Anna Rosenberg died several years ago; Anna Rosenberg probably wasn't even real! He just wanted to go into the women's locker room to see some boobies.
This was a clever trick, but there was just one flaw in his plan: From what I've heard, women's locker rooms at my gym are worse than the men's locker rooms. Because there are barely any women under 50 who go there, all of the females in the locker room walk around topless with their old, saggy breasts. And unlike the male ball sack, you can't keep a straight eye level and avoid these unpleasant things.
There were only two fat women in the pool. They were both swimming together - in separate lanes, of course, because they couldn't fit into one - and they had a trail of noodles and pull buoys following them around. Much like gas giant planets with several moons, these monstrosities had such a strong gravitational pull that these noodles and buoys began orbiting them.
One of the fat women was not pleased to see me. I was fortunate enough to be able to understand some of her Russian when she said "On shac nas pobrizgayet," which is translated to "he's going to splash us now."
I instantly gave her the thumbs up and nodded my head. I guess she thought I couldn't understand her, but thanks to my Russian minor at Penn State, I was able to translate what she said to her friend. Oh, and I made sure I splashed harder whenever I passed her. She eventually got super frustrated and rolled out of the pool and into the locker room in disgust. And yes, the noodles and pull buoys continued to circle around her.
Naked Old Men
I feel as though the naked old men in the locker room have evolved over the years. They initially just strutted around with their nut sack swinging around violently. They then sometimes played chess in the nude. I hadn't seen them in quite a while, so I was not prepared for what I was about to see after I completed my workout in the pool.
About six old men - all of whom were naked - were giving each other backrubs. And there is definitely something wrong with that. Walking around naked in the locker room is one thing, and played chess is even somewhat acceptable, but having a group of six old men rub each other's backs all while their scrotums are brushing up against their skin... Couldn't they do this in a bathroom stall or something?
The strange thing about this was that after spending three minutes in the steam room, I came back out to the main locker room area, and yet all six of these men had completely vanished.
Where did they go? They couldn't possibly all have gotten dressed and left in just three minutes. They didn't go to the steam room or shower area because I would have seen them. Perhaps they all quickly slipped on their swimming trunks and went to the pool, but considering they were all in mid-nude backrub, I don't think that's likely.
This puzzled me for days, but I finally realized what happened: Completely turned on by each other's backrubs and crusty scrotums, these six men quickly frolicked over to the janitor's closet where they began pleasuring each other orally. This then turned into a giant gang bang, and by the time they were finished, the poor janitor's area was completely covered in splooge.
What's scary is that if the pattern holds, these naked old men will continue to evolve. What's next after a gang bang in the janitor's closet? Will they have man sex in the open area? Will they disallow anyone to go into the pool area unless they can get jerked off? Will they use mind control to convince innocent bystanders like myself to join their sexual escapades? I'm dreading the day I find out.
Steam Room Party-Poopers
Four years ago, I wrote about how I threw out my back while trying to talk to a hot Asian lifeguard at the pool. Ever since then, I've noticed that there has been a growing Asian population at this gym. I'm thinking that at the next Asian meeting, she told all the perverts that there was a home for them at this place.
And that brings me to why my trip to the steam room took just three minutes. I usually like to sit in there for 8-10 minutes, but I couldn't handle it this time. There were three Asian dudes in the steam room with me. They weren't making a mess by hitting each other with branches, but they were yelling so incredibly loudly that they were giving me a headache. Keep in mind that this was in a steam room. If you've ever been to a steam room, you know how loud it is when the steam exits the vents. These Asian dudes were shouting over it.
Now, if you're wondering why I didn't ask these a**hole to shut up, well, you're pretty dumb. Did you not see the word "Asian" attached to these guys in the previous paragraph? Three Asian dudes, all of whom presumably know karate against one lowly fat white guy? I wouldn't stand much of a chance, and it's not like I'd have any other white dudes backing me up. The only other white people in the vicinity were rubbing their ball sacks against each other in the janitor's closet.
Foreigners Who Do Weird Things
I suppose I've already touched on the foreigners, but the Asian guys in the steam room didn't exactly do anything weird. That changed when they followed me into the shower area.
I was just rinsing off when I heard these douche bags enter the shower room. I could have heard them a mile away, actually, but that's beside the point. These men continued to shout seemingly incoherently, so I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.
As I was nearly done, one of the Asian guys, the chubbier one, shouted something that sounded like "Bdjou Dje!" and then put his hands on his hips and beamed at his two friends, almost as if he was expecting them to laugh at a joke. He remained motionless for what seemed like 15 seconds, continuing to rest his hands on his hips and sporting the same dumb grin. And yet, his friends said nothing. Not a single word. For the first time since I initially saw them, they were speechless.
While I can speak Russian, I do not know the Asian language, so I have zero clue what "Bdjou Dje" means. Is it a joke of sorts? If so, I wonder if this guy had this dream scenario in mind:
Jimmy Kimmel: I'd like to welcome our next guest. His name is Chubby Asian Man, and he's a great comedian.
Crowd: YAYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chubby Asian Man: Bdjou Dje!
Chubby Asian Man: Why chicken cross road? Bdjou Dje!
Chubby Asian Man: Three men wark into bar. One guy brack. One guy white. One guy Porish. Bdjou Dje!
Jimmy Kimmel: Thank you! Thank you, Chubby Asian Man for your great comedy! We'll look forward to your next tour and your impending series on Comedy Central!
I came home and quickly jotted down notes about everything I had seen at the gym for this entry. I was just amazed that nothing had changed. From the perverts, to the fat women and the naked men... from the a**holes in the steam room to the strange foreigners, everything remained the same.
I'm sure I'll see all five of these elements the next time I visit my old gym. If so, I'll definitely let you know about it. Until then, Bdjou Dje!