My sister and I used to beg my mom to buy us McDonald's at least once per week when we were kids. And on most occasions, she obliged. You see, I swam when growing up, and practices typically ended around 8, so by the time I was showered, dressed, and done stalking the hot chicks I was swimming with, it would be 8:30 - certainly too late for my mom to cook dinner each night. Thus, she was happy to answer our pleas.
Because I burned so many calories at each practice, I would eat like a madman. A typical McDonald's dinner for me was four cheeseburgers (seriously), large fries and a six-piece Chicken McNuggets order. Yes, I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I'm 40. And I'm OK with that.
I ate at McDonald's throughout high school, and it was often a stop on the way back to the dorm after a night of drinking at Penn State on weekends. I grew up on McDonald's, and at one point, I probably could've recited the menu by heart.
That's not the case anymore. In fact, I haven't gotten non-breakfast McDonald's food in nearly half a century.
This was not an effort to eat healthier on my part. Believe me, if I could still dine at McDonald's once per week, I definitely would. Unfortunately, I'm no longer capable of processing their cheeseburgers. Seriously, I can't do it.
It was the summer after my final year of college. My friends and I stopped in at McDonald's during lunch hour on a Saturday. Because I was no longer swimming, my intake trimmed down to three cheeseburgers and large fries. I gobbled all of it up contently, and then went home to play video games, or do something stupid.
I was meeting with my friends to play basketball four hours later. Four hours is a long time, and it should've been enough for me to digest my food, allowing me to play basketball normally. However, I took a few warmup shots, and I was already sweating profusely. Three minutes into the game, I was about to keel over. Three more minutes later, I ran to the bathroom to vomit.
I figured I was just having some sort of stomach bug. A week later, I ate McDonald's for dinner; this time I had three cheeseburgers and six pieces of Chicken McNuggets. Once again, I used to eat this all the time, so I should've been OK. After finishing my meal, I went to my computer to work, but I suddenly got tired, and then I began perspiring again. I plopped down on my bed, and then I began shaking. The tremors weren't violent, but they were bad enough to make me stop eating McDonald's.
I hadn't touched non-breakfast McDonald's food until about five years ago. I thought I'd grab a cheeseburger to go along with my Saladworks salad - just one to be healthy - and once I finished it, I got the same crappy feeling again, though it wasn't as bad because I didn't eat nearly as much.
And thus, my sad saga ends. No more McDonald's for me. Well, the breakfast is just fine, but I can't touch their burgers, which is probably for the best. I wouldn't be surprised if it's comprised of rat meat. I say this because my girlfriend told me an interesting fact - the ingredients of the McRib make it closer to Jell-O than actual ribs. No one should be surprised by this.
Despite my inability to eat at McDonald's, I'm taunted by their commercials. Most of them are bad, and it all started when they introduced the slogan "I'm lovin' it" about a dozen years ago. I'm sure you know this, but if you add the "g" to "lovin," their slogan is an anagram for "ailing vomit." And based on my history with their food, it couldn't be further from the truth!
McDonald's is now trying to utilize a new strategy to lure people into their restaurants in order to poison them with their rat meat and Jell-O sandwiches. They have an incredible, original campaign called the McPick 2. This innovative scheme allows people to pick two items on the menu for $2. Amazing. No one has ever thought of this before, so great job, McDonald's!
The McPick 2 ploy is accompanied by a snazzy commercial featuring a couple of attractive women and an upbeat, hip song that can relate to all of the youngsters. If you've been living under a rock and somehow haven't seen it, here it is:
I love some of the comments beneath the video...
This is what 40 y/o add executives think is "hip." This is the most condescending commercial I've ever seen. "HURR DURR LEMME GIT UH MICK PICK TOO!"
LET ME GET A ... Jesus Christ it's like I'm living in idiocracy.
Nice! You got the Asian, the Black person, the cute little white girl throwing the deuces. A s***ty pop song. McDonald's is so hip and fun. It's still f***ing garbage though, right?
McDonald has gone Gangsta. Just another example of McDonald's lame attempt at being hip. And they wonder why they're losing the market share. Wake up, your food is crap, these commercials aren't going to help.
This commercial is offensive.
All of these comments are right on the money. Especially that last one. This ad is extremely offensive. Why? I'm glad you asked. Let's highlight the important parts to demonstrate how horrible this really is...
0:02: Can I get a McPick 2?
I don't know why they're having this semi-attractive woman talk like white trash, but that's not the most disconcerting thing here. That would be what she's doing with her hands.
First of all, who does that? Panera Bread has a "Pick 2" option, and I've never signaled a sideways two with my hands that I wanted the Pick 2. You know why? Because I'm not a f***ing idiot. I'm well aware that the person understands what I'm saying when I ask, "Can I have the Pick 2?"
And please, don't tell me that the cashier talking to this woman is deaf. Why would flashing a sideways peace sign indicate the "McPick 2" anyway? It could be the No. 2 meal, or it could mean that she comes to McDonald's in peace, or she wants to know where the bathroom is so she can drop a deuce.
Second, does the shape her hands happen to be in seem familiar to you? No? What if I show you this?
This is DeSean Jackson, a stupid, overrated football player, flashing the Crips sign to a member of the Redskins for some reason, as if it's supposed to mean anything significant.
Yes. That's right. This lady is a member of the Crips.
Now, you may ask why she's not wearing blue. First of all, we only see half of her body. She may have a blue handkerchief sticking out of her pocket. Second, it's possible that her brain might have turned to mush after eating too many items on the McPick 2 menu. I'm telling you, McDonald's food really f***s you up.
0:05: Asian guy is happy
If you erase the cheeseburger and just show people this guy's face, what do you think they would guess?
A. He just won Powerball using his genius girlfriend's formula.
B. He ate horrible food that will make him sweat profusely and vomit.
C. Someone was rubbing one out for him, and he happened to be splooging his stuff out.
The answer, naturally, is "C." This is this guy's O face. There is white, gooey stuff coming out of this guy right now, and McDonald's is trying to pitch horrible food to us using his reaction to his orgasm.
Now that I think about it, McDonald's does use a "special" sauce, right?
LOOK! THE WHITE SAUCE IN THE MCCHICKEN SANDWICH! IT'S THE ASIAN GUY'S SPLOOGE!
Jesus. McDonald's, what the hell are you doing? Why are you making people eat someone else's man juice? No wonder I felt sick all the time.
Ugh. Really? A selfie? And I didn't think this commercial could get any worse.
If you haven't read my rant on selfies before, I'll make this brief. Selfies are horrible. In fact, they're emblematic of the downfall of Western civilization.
There's nothing worse than a selfie. It says, "Hey, look at how important I am! Look at me! I'm so important! This is me taking a picture of myself like some sort of a**hole! That makes me cool! Yeah!"
I hate anyone who takes selfies. Unless you're a hot chick taking selfies of yourself to show off your cleavage, there is no reason for anyone to take a selfie. People who take selfies are self-absorbed douchebags I want absolutely nothing to do with. So, if you're a selfie-taker, f*** off and leave this Web site now. Seriously. Go. Adios.
0:18: Gang Sign Selfie
Great. More selfies. And we get to see more of the O-Face Asian guy again, so that's cool.
What I want to focus on is the girl here. She's pretty cute. However, her decision-making is highly questionable.
First of all, she can do better than this douche. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he's Asian, so f*** off, PC idiots. The dude is lame because A) he splooges to McDonald's food; B) he's too poor to afford anything beyond McDonald's; and C) he's obsessed with taking selfies of him eating McDonald's. Who the hell does that? Being a moron like Kim Kardashian and taking ordinary selfies of yourself is bad enough, but doing so to show off that you're poor in the process? That's just stupid.
Second, why is she flashing the Crips sign while wearing red? Confused much?
And third, what is this chick wearing? What's up with the red and black stripes? She looks like the Pan-African Flag. In fact, if she cut off her sleeves, she could look like this idiot:
No wonder this girl is dating some poor dude who has an orgasm whenever he eats McDonald's. She could easily be with a senator or a football player, but she's stuck with a selfie-taking imbecile because she's not showing off the goods. That's just dumb. If I had goods, I'd show them off.
0:20: Another selfie
"HURR DURR LET'S TAKE A SELFIE OF US EATING A MOZZARELLA STICK HURR DURR."
0:22: And another one
"HURR DURR I'M STILL FLASHING THE WRONG GANG SIGNS AND I'M WEARING AN UGLY SHIRT AND NOT SHOWING OFF MY BOOBS AT ALL AND I'M DATING A POOR DUDE WHO CAN'T SATISFY ME BECAUSE HE HAS AN ORGASM DURING DINNER WHEN WE EAT POOR PEOPLE FOOD HURR DURR."
I'm seriously losing faith in humanity at this point. First, some bearded a**hole is also throwing up Crips signs in celebration of his McPick 2, and then we have a shot of some skank who came out of nowhere.
I really don't understand McDonald's obsession with having everyone flash a sideways peace sign. Do they think this will actually catch on? Is there some moron out there watching this commercial and thinking, "When I order my McPick 2, I'm totally gonna flash that cool sideways peace sign; because I'm getting the McPick 2, and two fingers are going up, but not straight up, but to the side instead! Soooo cool!?" Of course not.
Well, actually I guess I shouldn't say that. If some people insist on doing stupid things like taking selfies of themselves, I imagine some would actually adopt the McPick 2/Crips sign.
OK, McDonald's is trolling us at this point, right? It's bad enough to take selfies of yourself, and it's even worse to do so while eating McDonald's, but snapping a selfie while eating McDonald's and sitting next to Ronald McDonald is a new low, and I won't tolerate it anymore.
I hate petitions and rallies, but I'd like to begin a protest to get this woman deported. Seriously. Her stupidity is unparalleled, and she's only going to procreate even dumber offspring. And these children will do even worse things like taking selfies while eating McDonald's and sitting next to Ronald McDonald and setting up a camera in his hand so it appears as though he's shooting a selfie of himself as well.
I can't take it anymore. I just can't.
Wait, what just happened? Why are they replaying the commercial again? Why, God, why!?
0:46: Oh, wow
Wait, how the hell did I miss this the first time? The Asian man is having yet another orgasm. Unreal.
You know what I just realized? I was dealt an awful hand. I can't eat McDonald's at all unless I want to suffer a seizure, yet this guy simply gets off every time he puts a rat burger into his mouth.
Life's not fair. This impending heart attack of mine can't come soon enough.