JERK OF THE WEEK: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore over the past two months. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.
You can all relax now. I'm finally using my new computer. At long last, my new Sony Vaio has been repaired. It took me several days to figure out how to use Windows 8 - seriously, I spent an hour attempting to turn this damn thing off - but I've now switched over to this laptop on a full-time basis.
This all sounds simple. Sure, I just bought a laptop that had a few kinks in it, so I took it to Best Buy and had it fixed. No problem, right? Well, what you fail to realize that everything with me is a damn process. Nothing comes easily. I can't boil water. I don't know where the local eggery is, so I can buy eggs. I don't know how to hail a cab. My cell phone is from 2007. I can keep going on and on, but I fear that I'll destroy my Web site's bandwidth if I compile an entire list.
If you didn't read last week's Windows 8 and the Geek Squad entry and are too lazy to click on the link, I purchased a new laptop that seemed to work well, except Microsoft Word kept crashing whenever I opened it. I Googled possible solutions and nothing worked, so I took it to Best Buy to let Geek Squad figure it out. Instead of finding pimply faced virgin nerds there to assist me, crack heads with absolutely no clue attempted to solve my problem. They did half the things I tried online, and when that failed, they said they'd call me in a half hour after they resolved the problem. I returned an hour later, and they said they fixed the issue - except that they didn't.
Crack-head Geek Squad said they'd keep my computer for two or three days - one week tops. Well, 10 days passed by, and I hadn't heard from them at all. This made me furious. I gathered my things, including my gym stuff (my old gym is right around the corner from the store), and went off to experience another jerk-filled adventure.
Jerks in the Pool:
It was hot and sunny outside, so I thought it'd be better to hit the gym first. If, by chance, the Geek Squad crack addicts managed to luck into fixing my computer, it would be rather stupid of me to keep it in a hot car for an hour.
I hopped into a lane and began my mile. I was about halfway through when I noticed that this giant mass was blocking my path. It was a fat, bald man in his 60s. He just stood in the middle of my lane and wasn't moving at all. I couldn't believe it. He wasn't doing anything but standing there and looking at the wall like a complete moron.
I'm usually pretty stoic; my friends have pointed out to me that I seldom get riled up about anything. They've joked that I could see my house explode and go, "meh, whatever." But for some reason - and I can't explain why - I was just super pissed off on this particular day. So, I yelled at the fat, bald man.
Me: Move, a**hole, I'm trying to swim!
Fat Bald Man: I svim in zis lane too.
Me: You're not swimming! You're standing there like a f***ing moron, now move into another f***ing lane!
I could hardly believe myself. I'm never like this, but it felt good to yell at him. I didn't feel bad about it at all. Like, seriously, how rude do you have to be to just go into someone else's lane and just stand in the middle of it and block their path? What was the point of that?
Anyway, I finished up my mile without any other interruptions. I was stretching out my back afterward when an old woman in the next lane got my attention by asking if I take lessons. I wasn't sure if she meant if I teach or get taught lessons at the pool, but I assumed she meant the former. I prepared to make myself sound flattered, since I figured that she was going to praise me for my swimming skills.
Me: No, I don't teach lessons here. I did swim competitively for...
Old Woman: You misunderstand me. I was asking if you are taught lessons here.
Me: Umm... when I was like 5 years old. Why?
Old Woman: You need to take lessons again.
Me: What? Why? I just swam a mile in 25 minutes despite being out of shape and wearing heavy swim trunks. I think that's pretty good.
Old Woman: I don't care how fast you're going. Your technique is terrible. You splash too much, and your hand should go like this.
The old woman cupped her hand, and then showed me what I was doing, according to her - slapping the water with my fingers spread out. That's not how I was swimming whatsoever. Again, I would've just ignored this, but for some reason, I had some serious sand in my vag and was not going to let her get away with lying to me.
Me: First of all, you must be blind because I didn't do that at all. And second, I did splash on purpose.
Old Woman: You're not supposed to splash.
Me: When you swim fast, you're going to splash! It's just how it works!
In case you think I'm crazy - well, crazier than usual - here's a video of the men's 400-meter freestyle relay at the 2012 Summer Olympics. Yeah, they're not splashing at all.
Old Woman: No, I've seen people swim fast before, and they didn't splash.
Me: Well, I don't know whom you've been watching, but they clearly weren't going fast at all if they didn't splash.
Old Woman: I know what fast swimming looks like!
Me: YOU KNOW NOTHING, LADY!
I stormed out of the pool. I immediately regretted not saying "Jon Snow" instead of "lady," but I was too pissed to think clearly at the time. As I soon discovered, this day was quickly turning into something I'd end up calling Confrontation Friday because it only got worse when I reached Best Buy...
Jerks at Best Buy:
I walked in and saw Soulless-Eyed Lady behind the same counter. There were eight people waiting for her, so there was no way I was going to wait in that line. I immediately went to the main Geek Squad window. I figured I already had an appointment in a sense because they told me that my computer was going to be fixed three days earlier, at the very latest.
There was only one person in front of me at the main Geek Squad window - an older man wearing short shorts. He was being helped by a bearded black man behind the counter. As I waited, I looked around for hot women to creepily stare at. There was one Russian brunette in line. She was with a guy I presumed to be her husband, but seeing as how she was the most attractive woman there, she'd have to do.
I eventually got bored and started texting random people. I was interrupted mid-text by the bearded black man.
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: Sir, do you has an appointent with us?
Me: Not really, but...
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: You gots to get into that lines and make an appointent with that woman.
There was no way in hell I was doing that. They'd have to actually forcibly carry me into that line. At that point, I would've rather died than wait three hours for Soulless-Eyed Lady.
Me: No! You told me my computer would be ready two or three days - one week tops!
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: You still needs an appointent.
Me: No. I have an appointment. I have one because you said my computer would be done three days ago at the very latest. This is my freaking appointment.
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: Aight sir, diz gonna be juss one minute.
I exhaled and turned away. I immediately saw a super-hot blonde wearing sunglasses (**). She was walking out of the store, so I cursed the heavens. Why, God, Why!? There was a hotter girl to creepily stare at, but I didn't see her!!! Why did you do this to me!? An older couple, suddenly standing behind me, looked at me strangely.
(**) Side note: You may be questioning why this girl was wearing sunglasses in the store, but you are not allowed to do this by law. You could actually be arrested for saying anything. As I wrote in my St. Stalin's Day entry, "Keep in mind that the law states that hot chicks don't have to follow any sort of dress code."
Anyway, I began talking to the older couple.
Older Woman: Is this the line for appointments?
Me: Yeah, this is where they say they fix things.
Older Man: Good. I didn't want to wait for that black woman again. It takes her forever to do the simplest things.
Me: Ugh, seriously. I don't know how she hasn't been fired yet. So what do you need repaired?
Older Woman: We have a floppy disk stuck in our computer.
Floppy disk? What was this, 1985?
I wished them good luck and said, "These idiots haven't ever solved any of my problems." They just laughed it off as if I were being silly. Ha! They had no idea what they were in for.
The bearded black man noticed that they were in line. He asked them the same question he asked me.
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: Excuse me, do y'all gots an appointent?
Old Man: Uhh... yes... we were told to come here by that woman.
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: Aight, you goin' in front of this gent because y'all gone true the proper channel.
Me: No way! I was here first!
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: But you wasn't standin' in lines.
Me: I'm not standing in that line. I did that last time. You told me my computer was going to take a week, so here I am.
Old Man: You know, it's OK, he can go ahead since he was here first.
Bearded Geek Squad Worker: Aight, but next times you gonna go true the propa channels.
What an a**hole. I'm not standing in some line for two hours to go "true the propa channels" when I was lied to in the first place. I was just happy this nice, old couple allowed me to go ahead of them.
Anyway, I was pessimistic about my laptop working, but Bearded Geek Squad Worker turned it on and opened up Microsoft Word. Everything appeared to be fine. It was a miracle.
He gave me some papers to sign. I asked him why no one had called me to inform my laptop was ready, but all he did was shrug his shoulders and offer no explanation.
What a surprise - another Best Buy employee with no clue of what was going on.
Jerks at the Other Stores:
I carried the laptop to my car and left the parking lot. I wasn't heading home right away, however. I still had two stops to make. I needed to go to Wawa for milk and the Russian supermarket for something called Valerian-Mint tea (**).
(**) Side note: What sort of man drinks tea, you ask? This guy. I'm not normally a tea drinker, but Valerian tea knocks me the hell out. I used to have problems going to sleep, but that has gone away ever since I started drinking Valerian tea. It tastes like chalk, but it does the trick - it somehow eliminates all anxiety. I sometimes joke that after drinking it, there could be a nuclear holocaust outside, and I'd be like "meh." Basically, it makes me even more stoic.
I went into Wawa, grabbed a carton of milk and went to the nearest line. As I waited for the cashier to finish with the person in front of me, I spotted something on the counter: Darkside Skittles.
Darkside Skittles? What the hell could that be? My mind raced as I picked up the packet and looked at it. The packet said "the other side of the rainbow." I looked at the back and it listed the flavors: dark berry, pomegranate, midnight lime, blood orange and forbidden fruit.
Whoa, crazy stuff. Being a fat man, I had to try it out immediately. I picked up the packet and placed it next to my carton of milk just as the cashier finished up with the customer in front of me. She looked at me and said, "Sir, I'm closing this line. You'll have to go to the other one." I normally would have just given up, but this was Confrontation Friday, and I would have none of that!
Me: No way. I was here before you told me.
Wawa Cashier: I have to close this register.
Me: No. I'm not standing in that other line.
Wawa Cashier: But it's time for me to close this register. I have to.
Me: Nope. You're going to ring me up right now.
Wawa Cashier sighed and finally gave in. Victory was mine. Wawa Cashier even told the woman who got behind me to go to the other line. She didn't fight back because it wasn't Confrontation Friday for her.
Anyway, two interesting things happened to me on the way to the Russian supermarket. First, I saw a fat, white kid fighting a black kid on the sidewalk as I was driving down Bustleton Avenue. The fat kid was a fool - everyone knows that blacks are more athletic than whites - but as one of my friends used to say, fat people are prone to doing incoherent things because all they think about is food.
Second, there was this idiotic driver. It was a black guy driving this beat-up maroon car. He pulled out in front of me and slammed his breaks at a yellow light. So, he was just cautious, right? That would've been fine, but he suddenly began swerving in and out of lanes without using a turn signal, and he even drove up a shoulder lane to pass all of the cars at the next light. It's so weird that he transformed from the world's most conservative driver to a complete maniac in a matter of minutes. I wanted so desperately to take a picture of his license plate and post it on here for all to see, but he turned before I had the chance.
I thought about following this a**hole so I could get a good picture, but I ultimately decided not to because he is black, and therefore more athletic than me. Besides it's Confrontation Friday; not Suicide Friday.
At any rate, I finally arrived at the Russian supermarket. It dawned on me as I was walking in that I was wearing my "Quit Stalin" t-shirt that I had made in honor of St. Stalin's Day. I realized I might get yelled at or beaten up, but was I concerned? Nope! First of all, Russians are not more athletic than me, and second, it's Confrontation Friday. I was secretly hoping something would happen.
I quickly found the Valerian tea. The cashier, a Russian guy who looked about 17 or so, grabbed the tea box from out of my hands.
Russian Cashier: Iz zis all vhat you get?
Russian Cashier: Excuse, to please, vhat iz zis shirt you vear? Qvit Stalin?
Me: It's for St. Stalin's Day. The Russian version of St. Patrick's Day. What, you've never heard of it?
Russian Cashier looked like he wanted to kick my a**, but he would've lost his job in the process. Instead, he just told me the box was $4.99.
I pulled a $5 bill out of my pocket. I would've just given that to him, but one of my goals this summer is to get rid of all the pennies in my house. I now always carry four pennies around so I can dump them depending on how much all my purchases are. So, when he said $4.99, I gave him the $5 and four pennies on top of that so I'd get a nickel instead of a penny in return. I'm just an a**hole like that. The cashier, however, didn't seem to understand what I was trying to do.
Russian Cashier: Vhat iz zis? Vhy you give me zis?
Me: It's fine, just calculate it on the register.
Russian Cashier: I no understand, to please. Iz only $4.99 but you give $5 ploos four penny.
Me: I want a nickel back instead of a penny.
Russian Cashier: No, no, I cannot do zis.
He cannot "do zis?" Why the hell not? Is it against store policy to give a customer a nickel instead of a penny?
This was Confrontation Friday, so I looked at him darkly and quietly said, "Just take the money and give me back my nickel." He shook his head, muttered something under his breath and placed the nickel in my hand. I walked away and yelled, "Don't forget to celebrate St. Stalin's Day!"
Russian Cashier is probably plotting my demise right now. If so, I can only hope I'm feeling confrontational whenever he decides to approach me.
I know you're all wondering about the Darkside Skittles. Well, I'm sad to say that they were a disappointment. Normal Skittles are a billion times better, and I still don't know what the "other side of the rainbow" means. I thought there was only one side to a rainbow. If there really is a "darkside," I feel sorry for the people who don't get to see the bright, colorful, cheery side. What if those peole don't have normal Skittles and have to consume these Darkside Skittles? What an absolutely horrifying existence.
Oh, and as for the laptop... IT DIDN'T WORK!!! Microsoft Word loaded up just like it did at Best Buy, but it froze about a minute later. Excel, PowerPoint and OneNote all did the same thing. I definitely was not surprised.
I already told you that I'm using this new computer, but did I ever fix my Microsoft Office issue? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the Best Buy Trilogy!