I had some great friends from college, so this is not a dig at them. I have some hilarious stories about them - including one about a guy who thought he broke his leg because he drunkenly collapsed into a bath tub and saw something sticking out of his quad, only to later realize it was his phone - but there will not be any criticism of any of my college buddies in this entry.
So, what's up with the "Friends from College" title, you ask? Well, if you're asking this very question, consider yourself extremely fortunate because you've never seen the Netflix series Friends from College.
My viewing options during my honeymoon in Bermuda were limited - premium channels like HBO don't work outside the country - so I figured I'd check out Friends from College. It had some actors and actresses I recognized - including Keegan-Michael Key, Robin from How I Met Your Mother and Ben Savage - so I thought it would be worth a shot.
Unfortunately, Friends from College is one of the most steaming piles of s**t I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating. The plot was predictable, the humor was poor, and worst of all, the characters were insufferable. All of them sucked. I didn't like one single person on the show. The hot Asian chick was the least-offensive person, and yet she drunk drove a party limo bus and then later taught 10-year-olds how to drive a car, which they crashed into a pool!
And yet, I couldn't stop watching. One of the reasons for this was because my wife falls asleep before I do - I work best late at night - so I like to either put something on TV or listen to music when I'm not concentrating too much. Another reason was that Friends from College was like a car wreck I couldn't take my eyes off. It was so putrid that I couldn't believe it could get any worse - and yet it did!
I need to vent about this show in this Jerks of the Week entry. I really do. It pissed me off so much, so let's get right to it before I continue to descend into utter madness.
The premise of this show is that a group of former college friends get together after many of them haven't seen each other since their university days. Hijinks ensue. The problem is that all of these characters are nearing 40, so it's a bit absurd that they go on drunken benders when they should be more responsible.
I'll get into the plot lines - i.e. the drunken benders - as I review all of the characters. I need to focus on the characters so I can show you why they all suck.
The Cheating Husband: This is Keegan-Michael Key's character. The show opens with the Cheating Husband banging some ugly woman. You quickly realize that both Cheating Husband and the ugly woman are both married. They are two of the friends from college.
Cheating Husband has a nice wife who can't get pregnant. He could probably knock her up if he had some sperm left over after giving it to Ugly Woman. The worst thing is that Cheating Husband keeps trying to prove to his wife that he really wants kids, but he ultimately admits to her that he's not sure if he wants a child, but is willing to go through with it because he loves his wife. Yeah, he loves her so much that he's banging their mutual friend!
If this isn't bad enough, Cheating Husband is completely broke. He and his wife actually have to sleep on Hot Asian Chick's couch. That's their home in New York. A hot Asian chick's couch. Now, there's nothing wrong with sleeping on a hot Asian chick's couch, but only if you're single. If you're married and nearing 40, you probably should have your s**t together, especially if you want to have a freaking kid! Where's this baby going to sleep, next to Hot Asian Chick's couch?
So, what does Cheating Husband do for a living, you ask? For that, let's delve into our next friend from college.
The Book Agent: This is Ben Savage's character. The Book Agent is the agent for Cheating Husband, a novelist. It's established that Cheating Husband is a great writer because he has won lots of awards. I don't know why he can't afford his own apartment or house after winning all of these awards, but whatever.
Cheating Husband has a meeting with Book Agent, and he's excited about an idea for a new book. Book Agent, however, shuts it down, claiming that it won't sell to today's youth. Instead, Book Agent advises Cheating Husband to write a book about werewolves, since that is an untapped genre. The title of this cool, new werewolf book will be The Wolf Trials, since, according to Book Agent, "a werewolf has never been put on trial before."
So, things are going swimmingly for Book Agent, who gets to enjoy his 40th birthday with his boyfriend at a fancy-shmancy New York restaurant. They dine alone, since all of his friends forgot his birthday, but that's whatever. The key thing here is that despite the boyfriend being the only person aware of Book Agent's birthday, Book Agent abandons his boyfriend on the side of the road during a wine-tasting weekend. Book Agent's boyfriend is understandably upset about this, and he expresses his frustration about Book Agent's college friends being a bad influence on him. He gives Book Agent an ultimatum, and the Book Agent chooses his friends from college.
Book Agent isn't in good shape after that, and he doesn't pay attention in meetings. We discover this when he brings up Cheating Husband's book in a meeting at work. His coworkers look at him like he's an idiot because another client of theirs has a book called The Wolf Trials set to publish. Book Agent realizes that because he's been obsessing with his boyfriend, he only subliminally heard of the title "the Wolf Trials," and that's how he brainstormed it in the first place.
So, Cheating Husband is screwed. All of his work was for naught. You'd ordinarily feel bad for him, but he's such a scumbag that you just can't.
The Good Wife: The Good Wife is obviously Cheating Husband's wife, and she's played by Robin from How I Met Your Mother. As mentioned, she's desperate to have a child, but can't. I'm not sure how she thinks she can afford to kid because she and her husband sleep on Hot Asian Chick's couch, but whatever.
So, what does The Good Wife do that she's so poor that she can't afford her own place? She's an attorney. Yes, an attorney can't afford her own living space in New York, apparently. I always suspected that New York was like communist China, so that's at least confirmed.
You genuinely feel sorry for The Good Wife because her scumbag husband is cheating on her while she's trying to get pregnant. However, after meeting with a fertility doctor, she irresponsibly misplaces some medicine she's supposed to inject into her body to help her get pregnant. Then, because of her own screw-up, she badgers the fertility doctor when he's enjoying a dinner with his significant other. He tells her that he won't be able to help her because he has a vacation planned with his family, but she yells at him until he relents and agrees to cancel his family vacation.
The problem is that this doctor doesn't have the appropriate medicine, so The Good Wife smashes a window of a pharmacy and steals the medicine she needs. This all could've been avoided by waiting five minutes for someone to unlock the door, but she just had to get the medicine five minutes earlier for some reason.
Despite the doctor canceling his vacation, The Good Wife still fails to get pregnant. So, she destroyed property and ruined someone's family trip for nothing. She shows no remorse for her actions, breaking down and crying instead until Cheating Husband suggests that they should go on a wine-tasting trip. She wants it to be just them, but Cheating Husband invites all of the college friends because he wants to bang Ugly Woman. What a great guy!
The Good Wife abandons everyone during this weekend drinking binge to run through a field. Once Cheating Husband catches up to her and asks what's wrong, she says she wants to go to McDonald's. Yes. McDonald's.
The Good Wife eventually sees Cheating Husband kissing Ugly Woman, so she realizes that she is the good wife in this relationship. So, she retaliates by banging Creepy Guy - I'll get to him in a bit - in the Bahamas. She's in the Bahamas in the first place because her law firm has a meeting there. Her coworkers see this happening, and they make fun of her for cheating on her husband. She then angrily quits her job.
So, to recap, a female lawyer, who is somehow basically homeless in New York, ruins a doctor's weekend, smashes the window of a pharmacy, and quits her job despite needing funds to pay for the baby she wants more than anything in the world. That's some realistic character development.
Creepy Guy: Friend No. 4 in this horrible group is someone I like to call Creepy Guy. He's a trust-fund baby who is basically the enabler of this circle of friends, trying to get everyone drunk. A group needs someone like this when everyone is in their 20s, but these people were about 40. It seemed weird that this guy wanted everyone to get passed-out drunk during a wine-tasting excursion.
Creepy Guy hits on lots of girls, which appears to be fine until he crosses the line and sleeps with The Good Wife in the Bahamas. Now, you may argue that it's fitting that The Good Wife did this because she learned that her husband was cheating on her, and I won't go against that. I don't think she did anything wrong because her husband is a cheating loser. What I do take umbrage with is that Creepy Guy had no idea that any sort of cheating was going on. He just banged one of his best friends' wives without a second thought. And this was not a one-time thing. The show made it clear that The Good Wife and Creepy Guy had sex on countless occasions while at the Bahamas.
What's funny is that Creepy Guy never felt guilty about it. The Good Wife, despite knowing that her husband was a cheater, felt so guilt-stricken that she drunkenly went on a treadmill without shoes. Creepy Guy approached her and asked, "What's wrong?" as if he didn't think there was anything terrible about what he did. Hilariously, his mere presence there distracted The Good Wife, and she slipped on the treadmill and broke her ankle.
And if you think any of this is bad enough, get this: The group of friends met at a birthday party once The Good Wife and Creepy Guy returned to America, and Creepy Guy brought a girl to the party. Did he introduce her as his friend or his girlfriend? No.
"This is my fiancee," he said.
Wait, what!? Not only did he go behind his good friend's back and sleep with his wife, he also cheated on his fiancee, who was absolutely beautiful.
I don't understand why this show would make these characters so despicable. Does the lead writer of the show have horrific psychological issues?
Hot Asian Chick: I've mentioned Hot Asian Chick. She's not a horrible human being if you don't count her drunk driving the party limo bus during the wine-tasting weekend - the limo bus driver got drunk with the friends - and also teaching Ugly Woman's two young children how to drive a car.
Hot Asian Chick is just aloof and irresponsible, which would be fine if she were in her 20s living in New York. But again, she's about 40, so at some point she should have grown up.
One annoying thing about Hot Asian Chick was that she had a boyfriend of sorts. He was a traveling hippie who never took off his damn ski cap. Not once. He happened to fly in from Australia, where he undoubtedly was frequenting hookah lounges and playing bad songs on his guitar by camp fires. Hot Asian Chick was the most successful person in this group - she could afford a large studio in New York, after all - so it was disappointing to see her date a smelly, dirty, traveling hippie.
Oh, and I should mention that Hot Asian Chick is a yoga instructor. Yes, she can afford a large studio apartment, yet a best-selling author and an attorney have to sleep on her couch because they can't afford an apartment. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THIS SHOW IS SO BAD YET!?!?!?!?
Ugly Woman: Despite Cheating Husband's antics, and Creepy Guy's creepiness, Ugly Woman is the worst person on the show. Like Cheating Husband, Ugly Woman sleeps around on her husband. She also happens to have two kids, so that would certainly complicate things in a potential divorce.
What set Ugly Woman apart from Cheating Husband was that she constantly talked to her therapist about telling The Good Wife that she was sleeping with her husband. In fact, she decided that she was going to do this in front of everyone during the wine-tasting weekend, which occurred right after The Good Wife lost her baby!
Here's the conversation Cheating Wife had with her therapist (from memory):
Ugly Woman: I think I'm going to tell her I'm sleeping with her husband this weekend.
Therapist: Wait, didn't she just lose a child?
Ugly Woman: Yeah? So?
Therapist: Don't you think this is a bad time to tell her?
Ugly Woman: But he's not returning my calls, so I have to do something about it.
I wish I were creative enough to make this up. She was going to tell a friend of hers that she was cheating with her husband, right after her friend lost her baby, just because her texts weren't being returned. Maybe, I don't know, he wasn't returning your texts because he lost a baby!?!?!?
I don't know. I give up. I can't type anymore. Here's the trailer for the show if you want an extra taste of how bad it is:
If you really want to torture yourself, please go watch this pile of s**t. After a few episodes, you'll know what a waterboarding victim feels like. In fact, you'll want to get so drunk that you might just gather your friends for a wine-tasting weekend - even if you're 40 years old.