Jerks of the Week - April 3, 2017





Jerks of the Week: April 3, 2017


JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths V

I can't imagine most people feel this way, but I liked getting yelled at by superiors. It always made me work harder to appease them. For instance, I had a teacher for three years in high school who taught me algebra and computer science. He was notoriously known as the angriest teacher in school, and people would literally s**t themselves if they drew his ire. He would chew out a person in the middle of class for 15 consecutive minutes, barking at them about how they'll never amount to anything in life if they keep screwing up. His face would grow bright red, and I sometimes thought that his head would explode and molten lava would gush out. Believe me, it was scary.

At least at first. Given that I had him for four subjects across three years - Algebra II, then Computer Science I, II and III - he screeched at me a fair share of times. And I absolutely loved it.

Well, not initially. I first encountered him when I was a lowly sophomore, a year in which I spent stalking this cute Asian girl who sat in front of me in French class. I thought I was courting her in some fashion, but as I discovered, memorizing someone's schedule and waiting for them outside of each class is kind of creepy. This is the individual I was at 15, so I naturally shat myself when the angry teacher yelled at me. However, by 17, I grew into a more mature individual who no longer stalked girls creepily - I stalked them uncreepily - and I enjoyed getting chewed out in the middle of class. I didn't want it to happen because I knew it meant I was slacking off, but if he yelled at me, it just motivated me.

I consider him one of my best teachers ever, and he instilled the work ethic in me that I have today. Unfortunately, he won't accept my friend request on Facebook, but that's another story.

So, what's the point of all this? Well, I want someone to yell at me now. This is the fifth year of April Fools and April Truths, and I keep promising that I'll contact Jonathan Frakes to write or voice the corny questions I ask at the end of each tale in April Fools and April Truths, much like he did in the amazing 90s show called Fact or Fiction:



Good lord, this video never gets old. Please, God, please, bring this show back with Frakes. I would literally splooge myself if that happens. And if someone yells at me, I'll make much more of a concerted effort to contact him for April Fools and April Truths VI.

At any rate, if you're not familiar with my April Fools and April Truths feature in Jerks of the Week, I'll tell five crazy stories that may or may not have happened to me recently, and each of them will contain a horrible Frakes-type pun at the end. Write down or try to remember whether each story is an April Fool or April Truth, and then check the answers at the bottom when you finish reading all five.


1. New Neighbor:

We've had a new mailman in my neighborhood. Or, rather, mail person. The previous mailman was a chubby bald guy in his 50s who was always so sullen that I suspected that he had a razorblade stashed in his back pocket so that he could slit his wrists on the spot. He was that seemingly depressed. I'd always say hi to him, and he'd look down on the ground and mumble something.

I'm worried that he may have gone through with it because he has vanished the past few months. Instead, there's a Russian lady in her early 50s delivering our mail. She's much cheerier, and she actually likes our dog. However, she also screws up more often. There's been a greater frequency of letters stashed in the wrong mailboxes.. It's not a huge deal if it happens a couple of times, but this has turned into a weekly ordeal where people go to other houses to drop off mail. I seriously can't remember a week in which I've had to deliver mail to the appropriate address, or if someone had to give me a package of mine that they received.

One day, I received a professional archeology magazine. This was surprising to me for a second because I didn't know any of my neighbors were archeologists, but then I looked at the address and understood. It belonged to the neighbor on my right. A new couple with a toddler just moved in. The neighborly thing would've been to stop in and introduce myself, but I'm a recluse, so I've been avoiding them instead.

I summoned the courage to ring their doorbell. I did this right after dinner at 8:30. I didn't think it was that late, and the lights were on in their house. I pressed the button and heard the bell chime throughout their house, prompting their dog to bark. I heard a man talking, and he then yelled at the dog to shut up. A minute went by, and I rang the doorbell again. Still nothing. I then knocked. Still nothing. After a couple of minutes, I gave up and just slid the magazine through the circular door handle, and I went back inside.

The following morning, I saw the husband neighbor washing his car. I approached him to make sure he had received his mail.

Me: Hey, you got your archeology magazine, right?

Neighbor: Wait, that was you? You put the magazine in my door?

Me: Yeah.

Neighbor: You ruined my magazine! It's all crumpled up, and now I can't read it! I can't read my archeology magazine!

Me: Sorry! I didn't think I was ruining your magazine. I did ring the doorbell twice and then I knocked.

Neighbor: I know! You were disrupting my quiet time! My quiet time is precious to me and my wife!

Me: Oh. Sorry. I heard you talking on...

Neighbor: YOU WERE LISTENING ON ME!? WHAT THE F***, DUDE!? YOU SOME KIND OF CREEPER!?

Me: No! I was a creeper in high school, but not anymore!

Neighbor: GET THE F*** AWAY FROM ME! NEVER APPROACH ME AGAIN!

So much for making friends with my new neighbor.

What do you think? Is this tale of the archeologist neighbor a truthful story? Or am I just digging up a bunch of lies?


2. Unicorn in the Hot Tub:

Upset about making an enemy out of my neighbor, I gathered my swimming gear and drove over to the gym. Doing a mile in the pool is always a sure-fire way to relieve stress, and surely enough, I felt much better once I was done.

The stress did not depart for very long, unfortunately.

I went into the hot tub to relax. I was expecting my nemesis, Skeletor, to be there. Instead of a horny 85-year-old woman, however, there was a super-hot brunette in her 20s wearing an American flag bikini. I had never felt so patriotic in my life.

There were other people in the hot tub as well, and they all took notice of me, apparently. As a fat man, I plopped into the hot tub. I did this inadvertently, but it still caused a massive number of waves. This drew some groans and disgusted looks. The hot brunette was disgruntled more than anyone. In fact, she was so turned off by my wave-making that she stormed out of the hot tub. All of the men in the hot tub checked her out as she did so, but before everyone knew it, she went into the locker room.

I was disappointed in myself, but closed my eyes regardless. I thought I was going to be able to relax, but apparently not.

"Hey! You can't do that!" someone snarled. I assumed they were talking to someone else, until their next sentence.

"Open your eyes, damn it!"

I did as I was commanded, and a fat dude with a bushy mustache was staring daggers at me. He looked like I had just slept with his wife, or something. Seriously, this guy seemed like he wanted to strangle me.

Bushy Mustache Man: Look at what you did!

Me: Oh. Sorry about the waves.

Bushy Mustache Man: I don't give a flying f**k about the waves! You chased her away, you son of a b***h!

Me: The girl who was in here?

Bushy Mustache Man: Yeah, do you know how rare it is to find an attractive girl in here!? She was like a unicorn! A unicorn in this hot tub, and you chased her away, damn it!

Me: I didn't mean...

Bushy Mustache Man: I go to the gym to get away from my fat wife, and I finally get a unicorn in the hot tub, and then she leaves when you come in here! You f***ing a**hole!

When I said I like to be chewed out, I didn't mean like this. If it's something that'll help me be more productive, then that's fine. But I couldn't do anything about this.

Anyway, the bushy mustache man left the hot tub after hollering at me. He muttered curse words under his breath as he entered the locker room.

So, what do you think? Is this tale about the unicorn in the hot tub an actual story? Or has a work of fiction been bubbling up here?





3. Happy Hour Man:

I spent 20 or so minutes in the hot tub. I didn't want to encounter the angry man in the locker room, and surely enough, he was gone by the time I entered.

I rinsed off, then placed my bag on the bench. There was one other guy nearby, and I didn't think anything of him until I heard him repeating the same thing over and over again.

"It's happy hour! It's happy hour! It's happy hour! It's happy hour! It's happy hour!"

No lie, he must have said this phrase 50 times in a row. This was perplexing to me, as this occurred at 2 o'clock on a Saturday. We weren't anywhere close to happy hour. And why was he yelling this phrase? It's one thing to just say it; it's another to screech it at the top of your lungs repeatedly!

I guess Happy Hour Man noticed that someone was listening to him. He turned around and looked at me intently, like he had something very important to say.

"You don't even know how much weight I lost, bro!!!"

Umm... OK? Happy Hour Man: Guess how much I lost, bro!? Guess how much I lost!!!

Me: I dunno, man.

Happy Hour Man: Guess how much I lost!!! Bro, I'm asking you!!! Guess how much I lost!?

Me: Eh, I've never seen you before so it's hard for me to say. I don't know, 30 pounds?

Happy Hour Man: I lost 20 pounds bro!!! I lost 20 pounds!!!

Me: OK...

Happy Hour Man: It's happy hour!!! It's happy hour!!! It's happy hour!!!

Wow. All that raucous because he lost 20 freaking pounds? If he lost like 60, that'd be one story, but acting like a deranged lunatic because of a 20-pound loss is laughable. Then again, this guy thought Saturday afternoon was happy hour.

What are your thoughts on this? Was there a deranged lunatic ranting about weight loss in the locker room? Or should I be trimming the fat on a fictional story?


4. Swimming Walt:

It takes me a while to open birthday and Christmas presents, but I finally got to one the following day. My parents purchased me a kit from Ancestry.com because I care about my ancestry so much. Actually, that's a lie. I gave no indications that I wanted this, but they bought me the gift anyway. Hey, it beats the alarm clock I received a few years ago.

I didn't have much to do - football-less Sundays are much more boring - so I thought I'd try it out. I followed the instructions and submitted the tests.

Several weeks later, I heard back from Ancestry.com, and I discovered some staggering results. I'm mostly Russian, but I'm also 2-percent Spanish. But here's the crazy thing: I'm 0.6-percent Native American!

Excited about my new heritage, I went down to the local Native American center, where they were having an assembly. I brought my nerdy friend with me, and we went up on stage together.

"I'm a proud Native American!" I boasted. Then, I grabbed some fake war paint and smeared it on my friend's face. I then handed him a tomahawk, which he used to slice a random apple in half.

"Me hungry!" he stated.

We drew some angry looks from the audience, and I had no idea why. Did they not cut apples with tomahawks?

One of the people in the crowd asked me which tribe I was from, and I replied "Cherokee." Because, why not? There were moans and groans, and I don't know why. I clearly wasn't Seminole!

Another individual grabbed me aside and told me to visit a friend of his. I told him I couldn't because I had to go swimming, but he said I had to go. So, I went.

The man's name was Chief Henry, and he helped identify that my ancestor was a chief. He told me all about him and dubbed me Swimming Walt.

I went back to the center and re-did the presentation. I dressed up in full Native American garb, but it was OK because I was now Swimming Walt. Afterward, everyone congratulated me, and I earned an "A" for my assignment. Erm. Never mind.

Did this story about my Native American heritage really happen? Or is your chief suspicion that this story isn't true?


5. Laughing Stock:

I couldn't swim that Sunday, but I went back to the gym Wednesday. I had to squeeze in as many laps as I could prior to 6 p.m. because that's when water aerobics start.

I've written about water aerobics before. It's basically a bunch of old women moving slowly around the pool, decaying in the process. One of these women, a lady in her 60s wearing so much makeup that she could've been in the circus, spoke to me as I was getting out of the pool.

Old Woman: I got a dozen doughnuts today!

Me: Yeah?

Old Woman: There were glazed doughnuts, powdered doughnuts, and chocolate doughnuts!

Me: That's cool.

Old Woman: You should've been there! You could've gotten some doughnuts!

Me: Uhh... wait, what? Been there?

Old Woman: Wish me luck!

Wish you luck? With what? Not dying during your workout? Getting all your makeup off? And what's with the "you should've been there?" Been where? If I want doughnuts, I can just buy them, crazy lady!

Anyway, I went into the hot tub. I plopped in again, but there wasn't anyone inside, so I didn't piss anyone off this time. I took advantage of the privacy and loosened the drawstrings of my new swim trunks, which were as tight as a vice. I closed my eyes, as the old ladies began their workout.

I must've dozed off for about 10-15 minutes, which I've done in the hot tub before. I awoke and was instantly confused. The water aerobics were going on as usual, but all of the old ladies were looking at me and laughing. The hot girl with the American flag bikini was in the pool as well. She was looking and laughing at me, too.

What the hell were they laughing at? Is it that weird that someone falls asleep in the hot tub? I could've just closed my eyes to relax for all they knew.

"It's out," I heard the hot girl say to her fat friend.

It's out? What's out? What could be out? And how did it concern... oh, no...

It suddenly hit me. They were laughing at me after I loosened the drawstrings of my swim trunks, and then I fell asleep. I looked down, and there it was. My wang was hanging out of my swim trunks! And everyone saw it!

I covered up, but it was too late. Everyone was laughing at me. Everyone except the doughnut lady, who licked her lips while staring at me. Completely embarrassed, I hopped out of the hot tub, grabbed my stuff and bolted into the locker room.

So, what do you think? Did this really happen? Or am I letting my fiction hang a bit much to the right?







Answer Key

Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? Here's your last chance before looking at the answer key...

  • New Neighbor - April Fools! All the stuff about the misplaced mails are real, and I did knock on the guy's door to deliver an archeology magazine. However, we never had a heated exchange because of it. In fact, the dude is pretty cool. We've hung out once, and he's a big football fan.

  • Unicorn in the Hot tub - April Truth! Every detail of this story happened, including the part where the guy yelled at me because he had to look at his fat wife at home. He was right though, in that it is very rare to see an attractive woman at the pool.

  • Happy Hour Man - April Truth! I'm still trying to figure out why Saturday afternoon was happy hour.

  • Swimming Walt - April Fools! This was actually the plot of a Saved by the Bell episode. It's been in my mind because the actor who played Zach Morris - he was referred to as Running Zach in the episode - apologized for the episode being racist. I have no idea why he would possibly think that!

  • Laughing Stock - April Fools! Everything except for my wang hanging out of my swim trunks happened. The old lady hit on me and said "I should've been there" to get doughnuts. The women in the pool, including the hot one with the American flag bikini, were also looking at laughing at me the entire time. And I have no idea why. It wasn't because of my wang. So, was it because they knew I fell asleep? Did the hot chick recount my story about me emptying out half the water in the hot tub when I plopped in? Did I have a booger hanging out of my nose? I have no idea.


    Scoring System

    How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?

  • 0-1 Correct - You are so utterly clueless that you also probably believe that happy hour takes place on a Saturday afternoon.

  • 2 Correct - You did OK, but could've been better. Maybe you should meditate during some quiet time. Just make sure you answer your doorbell, please.

  • 3-4 Correct - You sure are a smart person. Hopefully the rest of your life is going just as well. It would suck if you had to go to the gym just to avoid looking at your fat significant other.

  • 5 Correct - You know me way too well. If you're like my 15-year-old self and memorized everything about me, well, I can understand that. I definitely won't yell at you, but you should probably find someone who will.

    LOADING COMMENTS...



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    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 17


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5









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