Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012
Jerks of the Week for July 30, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
I work every single day. In fact, a "day off" for me is spending 4-5 hours on this Web site. I don't really consider it work though, given that I used to run this site as a hobby in college. Thus, given how much time I put into this, I don't get to go on vacation all that much.
You may remember that I went to the Jersey Shore last July. I had four weeks' worth of jerks despite spending just four days down there. I still have nightmares about Pancake Thief trying to steal my precious pancake. I can't get, "Ey yo, you done wid dis pancake?" out of my head. Make it stop. Please make it stop!
Going into this summer, I figured I would go down the shore again, but another opportunity presented itself in early July - one that would require me to get on an airplane. This is significant because I hadn't flown since I was 14, when I went to Orlando with my family. This trip would also mean I would leave the Eastern time zone for the first time when I was 8 (another family trip to Phoenix and the Grand Canyon).
Why haven't I flown in 15 years, you ask? Several reasons:
1. Why would I leave my area? First of all, I have Oreos and Cheetos in my house, which I can purchase by simply taking a 3-minute walk to Bottom Dollar. For dinner, I can take a short ride to Wawa or Saladworks. Only a fool would venture elsewhere.
2. I like being in control, so boarding a plane doesn't sound too appealing to me. Sure, I can always get into an accident while driving, but at least I'm behind the wheel. My philosophy has always been that I wouldn't fly unless I actually was allowed to pilot the plane. And given that I don't know how to make scrambled eggs - or even where to purchase eggs - that was not a realistic scenario (though I should note that I believe it's easier to pilot a plane than make scrambled eggs.)
3. The most obvious reason is airport security. I never even thought about airplane terrorism prior to Sept. 11, but I was aware that they changed everything. I've heard stories about people being detained and anally probed because they fit the description of a terrorist. For those of you who don't know, terrorists are often white males around my age and white grandmas with walkers because those are the ones who often end up with fingers in their butthole. I value the sanctity of my butthole very much, so I did not want to be anally probed prior to my flight.
So, why did I put myself through the agony of flying? Well, it was my only opportunity to visit Awesome Girl Who Loves Football prior to the commencement of NFL training camp and preseason. I had to make the trip.
I had a great time there - I'll discuss it next week - but my flying experience was even worse than I imagined. So many terrible things happened that I had to create a live retro blog for it, just as I did back on St. Patrick's Day.
3:15: My flight was initially scheduled to depart 5:15 Monday evening, so I arrived at the airport exactly two hours early. I quickly learned, however, that it was postponed to 5:45. No big deal, I thought. That'll give me more time to buy and eat food prior to the flight.
3:20: I checked in and received my boarding pass. I then handed my luggage to the TSA (The Security of Airplanes?) or something like that. I walked up the stairs and followed the sign that said "security."
3:22: I walked down some stairs, continuing to follow the sign. I suddenly was back to the check-in area. What the hell? I walked around, back up the original stairs, and followed the sign back down the stairs again. Again, I was in the check-in area.
Seriously, what sorcery was this? Was the airport a maze, designed to confuse fat passengers like myself so they wouldn't be able to purchase tons of food prior to the flight? I was about to break down into tears when I spotted another sign for security near the transportation to center city. I don't know why there were two security signs, but I was glad that I was one step closer to scarfing down some pepperoni pizza.
3:35: The gate on the boarding pass was A7. Thus, I figured I had to get into Line 7 for security. I asked the security guard, a woman in her 30s with a Russian accent, whether I was walking into Line 6 or 7, since they curved and it was unclear which was which.
Me: Excuse me, is this Line 7?
Russian Security Guard: You mus go Line 6, to please.
Me: Why? My gate is A7.
Russian Security Guard: Line 6 have less peoples, to please.
Me: But my gate is A7!
Russian Security Guard: Gate iz not mean anysing. Go vhere less peoples.
The gate doesn't matter? Then why even print it on my boarding pass? One of two things was going on here. Either Russian Security Guard didn't know what the hell she was talking about or she was part of the conspiracy to keep me from eating lots of pepperoni pizza.
The latter was the more realistic possibility, so I disobeyed Russian Security Guard, opting to remain in Line 7. Russian Security Guard just shook her head and looked at me like I was stupid. I smirked back, knowing I foiled her effort to keep me from devouring food.
3:45: It was finally time for me to enter the security checkpoint. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football warned me that I would have to remove my shoes and take my laptop out of my bag. If this wasn't annoying enough, I also had to take off my belt. Luckily, my fatness prevented my shorts from falling off.
3:47: The security lady chided the guy in front of me for attempting to bring a snow globe onto the plane with him.
Security Lady: Why you tryin' to brang a snow globe onto the plane wit you?
Snow Globe Guy: Oh. Oops!
Security Lady: You aint allowed to be brangin' a snow slobe onto a plane, what are you stupid or somethin'? It don't matter what size - you can't brang a snow globe onto a plane.
Snow Globe Guy: No! I'm sorry!
Security Lady: Tryin' to brang a snow globe onto the plane, now I've seened everythang. Can you believe this guy tryin' to brangin' a snow globe onto the plane?
Snow Globe Guy looked like he was going to cry, but I didn't pity him. Who the hell carries a snow globe anyway? Those are the most useless things of all time. It'd be cool if you could crack it open, pick up the snow and chuck it at someone stupid, but snow globes don't allow you to do this, unfortunately.
3:49: I retrieved my laptop, shoes and belt. The same security lady looked at me suspiciously, almost as if she wanted to stick some of her fingers into my butthole, but she was still laughing at Snow Globe Guy.
Snow Globe Guy - I don't know what you do for a living, where you're from or even what your name is, but I want to thank you for saving me from an unpleasant afternoon of anal probing.
3:55: I found a bench to sit down and text Awesome Girl Who Loves Football. There was no one around me, save for a girl in her 20s who was sleeping on the other side. With the smell of pepperoni pizza wafting in the air, it seemed like everything would go smoothly...
3:56: I was texting when...
A fat lady sat next to me and shook the whole bench, causing the girl behind me to wake up, completely startled. This behemoth of a woman was disgusting. She must have weighed between 300 and 350 pounds. It's difficult to describe her scent in words, but my best attempt at doing so is "moldy cotton candy that has been unearthed from under a Ferris wheel that hasn't operated in five years." She had so much makeup on her face that she could have posed as a circus clown if she donned a rainbow-colored wig.
3:58: Texting proved to be quite difficult with the fat woman's stench permeating my nostrils. I had problems concentrating. In fact, I could barely breathe. The fat woman picked up her ringing cell phone and spoke in a Russian accent. And thus, she became known as Fat Russian Clown Lady.
4:02: Gasping for air, I finally finished my text. My mom called as soon as I hit send. As I was talking to her on the phone, I observed an Indian man carrying a McDonald's bag walking toward Fat Russian Clown Lady. Without even saying a word to her, he extended the McDonald's bag to her and then continued walking. Fat Russian Clown Lady beamed at the McDonald's bag as though she won the lottery.
4:06: If the Indian gift-giver wasn't weird enough, a small, Indian girl walked by Fat Russian Clown Lady. I was about to yell, "NO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE EATEN!" but then I noticed that she was holding a basket of chicken fingers. She gave them to Fat Russian Clown Lady and continued to walk on by, also never to be seen again.
What the hell was going on here? Why were random Indian people feeding this woman? Did she pay them to buy her food because she didn't feel like wobbling around? Or did she kidnap their families and threaten to devour them if the man and the little girl didn't bring food to her? If so, it's ridiculous that she squeaked through security. If only the security lady wasn't so obsessed with snow globes.
4:10: I noticed this guy eating a slice of pizza. Oh yeah, pizza! I washed my hands and hurried over to the airport pizzeria. I purchased one slice of pepperoni pizza. I normally would have eaten eight or nine, but I was nervous about flying and going on the trip in general.
4:25: I washed my hands and carried the slice of pizza over to my spot on the bench. To my complete dismay, Fat Russian Clown Lady lost about 200 pounds. I'm not kidding. A woman, who had a similar face, wearing the same outfit and makeup as her, was seated in her spot.
I didn't know what to do. It was like I was in the Twilight Zone or something. Was she never fat to begin with? Am I that desperate to make fun of fat women that I see them as 200 pounds heavier than they really are? Or did the McDonald's food and chicken fingers somehow shrink her?
4:27: Never mind. I located Fat Russian Clown Lady, and she was still as big as a nose tackle. She apparently rolled herself to another bench for some reason, and a woman who wore the same outfit and clown makeup as her took her spot.
4:28: I opened my triangular pizza box, trying my best to hide the slice of pizza from Fat Russian Clown Lady's sight. I didn't want her to use her Jedi mind trick and telepathically convince me to give her my food, which is obviously what she did with the two Indians.
4:29: NOM NOM NOM PEPPERONI PIZZA NOM NOM NOM!!!
4:30: NOM NOM NOM PEPPERONI PIZZA NOM NOM NOM!!!
4:31: NOM NOM NOM PEPP... wait... where the hell is my boarding pass!?
My boarding pass was missing. I was holding it before, but now it was gone. Did I forget it at the pizzeria? Did I leave it in the bathroom? Or did Fat Russian Clown Lady accidentally swallow it as she was engulfing her chicken fingers?
4:35: I looked in the pizzeria, but found nothing. I then walked toward the bathroom, when this Mexican guy held up a boarding pass and asked me if it was mine. Phew. My boarding pass was not lodged in Fat Russian Clown Lady's stomach next to McDonald's food and chicken fingers.
4:37: NOM NOM NOM PEPPERONI PIZZA NOM NOM NOM!!!
5:07: I spent the next half hour texting and observing potential jerks. Unfortunately, the best I found was an old lady sporting a turban and a gray mustache. She didn't do anything that I could have made fun of, unfortunately. And to make matters worse, she obviously did not have fingers shoved up her butthole because she had a turban on her head.
5:10: The people behind the counter made an announcement for the passengers to check their bags. Check their bags? Weren't we supposed to do that when we first arrived at the airport? Wait, did I give my bag to the wrong people? Is my bag on its way to the other side of the world right now?
5:15: I approached the Mexican guy behind the desk. I asked him what would happen if we checked our bags when we first walked into the airport. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said that the bags would be on the plane.
That was a relief, but I still don't understand what happened. Why did we have to check in our bags downstairs when we could have done so at the gate? Seems kind of stupid, no? Whatever. I'm sure it's all a plan to keep passengers from eating tasty food, but I've already eluded their plot to screw me over - and I haven't even flown in 15 years! Noobs.
5:30: All aboard Frontier Airlines! They called us up to be seated. I was so nervous that I nearly crapped my pants.
5:35: I sat down. My seat was sandwiched between one belonging to a 50-year-old woman and another that was occupied by a 40-year-old wearing tons of makeup. I was puzzled as to why most of the women at the airport thought that it would be a good idea to make themselves look like clowns on this particular day. Is this a new fad? And why can't us men be involved? People say men and women are equal, so why aren't men allowed to dump makeup on our faces to look like clowns? It's not fair.
5:40: I noticed that the "fasten seatbelt" sign was on, so I figured I should fasten my seat belt. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it. Seriously. I tried sticking the tongue into the buckle, and it kept undoing itself. I tried it five times, and I kept getting the same result. The 50-year-old woman gave me a "what the f*** is wrong with you" look.
Me: I think it's broken!
50-Year-Old Woman: No, it's not.
Me: Yes it is! It won't go in. I can't stick it into the hole!
50-Year-Old Woman: That's because you have the buckle facing the wrong way.
Oops. I flipped the buckle around, and the tongue went in flawlessly. Completely embarrassed, I decided that I was never flying ever again.
5:45: Time for takeoff! I texted my parents, sister and Awesome Girl Who Loves Football that my plane was about to leave the ground.
5:55: Still on the ground.
6:00: Still on the ground.
6:05: Still on the ground. Finally, the pilot announced, "We have some maintenance issues that we hope will be resolved in a matter of minutes."
A matter of minutes? That doesn't sound too bad. The 50-year-old woman, however, was more pessimistic.
50-Year-Old Woman: Ugh. The last time I flew Frontier, they made everyone get off the plane because of maintenance and then they ultimately canceled the flight.
Me: Really? Well they said a "matter of minutes."
50-Year-Old Woman: You honestly believe that? We're going to be here all night.
Me: But. I. But. Need to fly out. Vacation. Pepperoni Pizza.
50-Year-Old Woman: Yep. We're going to be here awhile.
6:15: One of the stewardesses addressed us: "There's a maintenance issue with the plane. We're going to ask everyone to get off the plane while the problem is being fixed."
Everyone moaned and groaned. Someone in the back even yelled, "F*** Frontier, they f***ing did this to me again!"
6:25: Once everyone was off the plane, a tall, skinny guy wearing a green Frontier Airlines polo shirt made an announcement: "Don't venture far from the gate. We're working on this problem right now, and we hope to have it fixed in an hour. Don't worry - our crew is fresh!"
Some of the responses I heard from people standing around me:
"Who the f*** cares about the crew being fresh!? We want to f***ing fly already!"
"Ugh, not this again! F*** you Frontier!"
6:30: The people who were going to this particular location were mad enough. Those who really had a beef with this delay were the ones who were reconnecting to a different flight. They were really screwed over. The Frontier employees asked the "reconnecters" to stand in line so they could redirect them to a different flight.
The guy in the polo shirt then said something that really pissed people off: "I apologize, but we won't be able to get your bags off this plane, so you'll have to retrieve them on a later date if you book a different flight. This is what we call Voluntary Bag Separation."
This nearly caused a riot. If the "reconnecters" had pitchforks and torches, they would have lynched the guy in the polo shirt right on the spot. A short, fat, eunuch with an ugly tattoo on its leg standing in that line commented, "Sounds like involuntary separation to me. F***ing idiots."
6:40: As the "reconnecter" line moved slowly, the polo shirt guy made another announcement: "There's a chip on one of the blades. The maintenance crew is working on it, and we have to hear back from headquarters to get the green light."
We've been delayed for an hour and a half because of a freaking chip on one of the blades? Can't they just fix it with Scotch tape or Elmer's glue? Why is it taking them this long?
6:45: No one seemed to buy that we were boarding soon. People continuously asked the polo shirt guy if he knew when we would be leaving, but he kept saying, "We should hear back from headquarters any minute."
7:05: "Any minute" transformed into 20 minutes. I stood next to the 50-year-old woman, whom I overheard mention that there was another flight out to my destination at 8:45. We figured it was better than not going at all, so we got in line to see if they would be able to rebook us on that plane.
7:20: We finally were able to speak to one of the Frontier employees.
Me: Hi, is there a flight out to the same destination on United Airlines at 8:45.
Frontier Employee: Yes there is!
50-Year-Old Woman: Can we book a flight on there if the blade isn't fixed in an hour?
Frontier Employee: No, I'm sorry, but we won't be able to do that.
Me: What? Why not?
Frontier Employee: That's not our policy. If you want a ticket, you'll have to buy one from United Airlines. Their terminal is on your left, down the hall.
Not your policy, eh? So what exactly is your policy? We quickly found out.
7:30: The Mexican guy behind the counter made an announcement that he hoped would please everyone: "Attention, Frontier passengers! We appreciate your patience with our delay. We wish to reimburse you for this, so we'd like to give you a $50 voucher that you can use on your next flight with Frontier!"
You can imagine what the reaction was. More moaning, more groaning, more swearing. Multiple people shouted, "Not going to use it because I'm never flying f***ing Frontier again!"
I was equally appalled. Seriously, $50? What the hell is that all about? No one flying on this plane - if it would even leave the ground - would ever choose Frontier again. What they should have done is give a voucher for a free flight anytime in the future. People would have used that because it was free, and if Frontier didn't screwed up that next time, they would have regained confidence in the company. But not this way. I'm personally never choosing Frontier ever again.
7:40: The polo shirt guy made another announcement: "There was a small chip on one of the blades. It's being fixed, and we're just waiting for the green light from headquarters."
This angered more people, including one guy who shouted, "We know that, you f***ing idiot!"
Oh, and what is this green light from headquarters? Seriously, if it's fixed, why can't we just fly? This bureaucratic bulls**t is why nothing ever gets done. I was so frustrated that I was about to check out United Airlines when...
7:43: "Frontier passengers, the problem has been fixed, and we are now boarding!"
So, they were fixing the chip three minutes ago, but they suddenly repaired it and heard back from headquarters? Well, that was quick. Or maybe the guy in the polo shirt was simply kept out of the loop, which frustrated everyone because he had no news to report.
7:48: I walked onto the plane. The Mexican guy handed me the $50 voucher, as promised. I would later wipe my a** with it after dropping a deuce.
8:05: Once everyone was seated, the guy in the polo shirt made his final announcement of the evening: "Thanks for your patience. If there is anything we can do to make your flight more uncomfort... I mean comfortable..."
Everyone erupted in laughter upon his Freudian slip. I'm not even sure what he said afterward because his voice was drowned out because everyone was making fun of him. He was completely frazzled, stuttering through the rest of his announcement. Good. He can rot inside Fat Russian Clown Woman's stomach as far as I'm concerned.
11:45: Three hours of my life were lost because of some stupid chip on one of the blades. And then there were the four hours on the plane. The 50-year-old woman snored, the 40-year-old woman breathed into my face when she was sleeping, and I'm sure the Fat Russian Clown Lady was eating all of the food somewhere in the back.
But the good news was that I finally arrived to my destination. I had a great time, yet still encountered many jerks. I'll discuss them next week.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 18
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 17
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - June 16
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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