I remember the days when I was very opposed to Twitter. Readers would e-mail me all the time, wondering why I didn't have a Twitter account. Some of my friends said the same thing to me. My response to everyone was something like...
"Why the f*** would I get Twitter? I already have Facebook to stalk hot chicks. Why would I need Twitter? I don't want to know what everyone is doing. What does it matter to me if my friend tweets about going to the grocery store? I don't f***ing care."
I obviously have Twitter now - @walterfootball - and I feel the same way about Snapchat, you know, the app whose logo is like a white ghost, which most microaggression idiots might find racist. I barely even know what the hell Snapchat is. One of my ex-girlfriends used to Snapchat her friend all the time, and that's the extent of my knowledge of that app. She'd send short videos to her friend, and that was it. Completely pointless. She could've just texted her, and it would've been quicker and more efficient. I guess girls can use Snapchat to send naked videos of themselves to dudes or other girls (not that there's anything wrong with that), but couldn't they just do the same thing with their phone camera?
You know what app they should build? They should build an app to notify me if there's an annoying person around me who uses stupid apps like Snapchat. That way, I can avoid them.
But I digress. The point of this entry is to talk about Twitter. Despite my prior thoughts about Twitter, I can't imagine life without it right now. After all, I use Twitter for two important purposes: to gather news information I'd otherwise hear from my mom several weeks after the fact, and to spam links to my site every half hour or less. Twitter remarkably has become the second-highest source of traffic coming into the site after Google. So, I can thank the Seven that I managed to overcome my stubbornness and create a Twitter account. I don't foresee myself doing the same thing with Snapchat though; after all, I'm not a hot chick, so I have no sexy videos to send.
Unfortunately, Twitter has gotten to be pretty annoying. Whereas it was previously used for people to share news information and spam links, it has now developed into a platform where social justice warriors can just rant all day about how America is terrible and how awful of a society we've become. Ironically, these losers don't really do anything to improve America or society outside of just ranting 140 characters at a time. I mean, sometimes they hold insignificant rallies like Occupy Wall Street or whatever, but most of the people there are just new-age hippies pooping on themselves, apparently upset that they didn't receive a $100,000 job after majoring in History of Fashion in the 1800s.
These rallies accomplished absolutely nothing, outside of public property being destroyed, and the tweets are even more meaningless. You know how these losers can "help" the world? They can strive to get a high-paying job, and after years of earning lots of money, they can use their funds to create charities to "help" people. Unfortunately, by "helping" people, they just want other graduates of History of Fashion in the 1800s to earn $15 an hour flipping burgers. Yeah, that'll accomplish a lot.
Unfortunately, the social justice warriors on Twitter aren't that smart, and they're definitely not motivated. They think their 140 characters are going to save everyone. Instead, all they do is annoy the hell out of me. Remember that anti-Snapchat app I was telling you about? Do you think the 2.0 version could be used to erase all of these useless a**holes from existence? If so, I'd pay anything for it.
Of course, the other sorts of people on Twitter are still those who think everyone cares about their daily routine. They also tweet at dumb hashtags. For example, let's check out what is trending at the time of this writing:
God, this makes me hate people. Seriously, I feel like jumping off a building right now, yet no one would care because I'm a white American male. Now, if I were a half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual celery stick, people would be up in arms about it, perhaps even spawning 140 characters, including the hashtag, "#ReverseTimeSoWaltDoesntJump." Social justice warriors would literally be crying while typing, prompting even more people to become annoyed and perhaps even repeat my suicidal leap.
Let's review this trending list, shall we? I want to do this as a therapeutic exercise. It's currently Wednesday afternoon, and I have no one to talk to. My girlfriend is at work, while my dog is chasing bumble bees on my deck, so this is my only outlet to vent right now.
#LyricsThatHaveToBeShouted: Music sucks nowadays, so nothing needs to be shouted. It really does. I don't know if it's like that South Park episode, where everything turns to crap for Stan because he's getting older, but that's what seems to be happening. Music used to be great in the 90s, but now it just sounds like people are puking diarrhea out of their mouths. This started several years ago when some chick thought it would be a good idea to make a song whose premise was to spell out the word "Fabulous." Somehow, music has gotten even worse.
I'm actually planning a Jerks of the Week entry on that one song that keeps playing on the radio - the one where some dude is talking about his life when he was 7, 11 and 20 years old, and what things will be like when he's 30 and 60. It's the dumbest song possibly ever made, and it makes the Fabulous chick seem like Stephen Hawking.
#WednesdayWisdom: This has me curious, so let's take a look at some of the tweets under "Wednesday Wisdom:"
Uhh... what the hell does that have to do with wisdom? This tweet is just about how to find customer service. How is that wisdom? It would be like me spamming a link to my site and then writing, "#WednesdayWisdom."
I'm writing this on June 15. Bernie Sanders was defeated weeks ago. So, this is more like #WednesdayLackOfWisdom, or perhaps @RoseAnnDeMoro is just as senile as the candidate she's still helplessly endorsing.
OK, I give up. None of this is wisdom. Other tweets are just quotes from other people. Some I've heard of; some not. I'm tempted to join the conversation by providing some #WednesdayWisdom of my own:
"In your bathroom, set up a chair in front of the toilet so you can place your laptop there when you poop #WednesdayWisdom."
Somehow, what I just wrote is going to be way more impactful to someone than 99 percent of the bulls*** quotes listed under #WednesdayWisdom.
#DisneyGatorAttack: This is another instance of an animal attacking a kid, only the gator tried to eat the baby, whereas the gorilla was trying to save the child. I could be a dick and just say, "This is passe, animals attacking kids was like so last week," but I am a man who cares deeply about others. So, let me be the first to say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved in this, especially the gator.
HermanCain: Who the hell cares about Hermain Cain, let's just move on.
#NationalExDay: Oh, great, another day of the year dedicated to something. I thought having a National Cheeseburger Day and a National Pizza Day were great ideas, but you must have guessed that already, based on how fat I am.
However, they've taken things too far. What the hell is the purpose of National Ex Day? Who the f*** cares? Exes are either insignificant and annoying, if you were the one who ended the relationship, or they're the biggest scum of the Earth if they were the ones who were responsible for the breakup (though if you're single, you'd probably get back with them in a heartbeat.) So, with that in mind, why is there a day dedicated to them? Why not have more impactful days? I have some ideas:
National Exile Everyone Who Annoys You Day - I can't wait for this day to come. Goodbye, social justice warriors and microaggression losers.
National Read Your Laptop While Pooping Day - A bit silly since this should happen every day, but it needs to be celebrated.
National Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Celery Stalk Day - Why don't the PC police honor these people? Why is this group ignored? The PC scum champion groups that used to be minorities but aren't minorities anymore, so what about the poor half-Norwegian, half-Korean Transsexual Celery Stalks? Why can't they be defended? I mean sure, they believe that an alien overlord named Zarlox will soon come and enslave us all, but that doesn't make them any less human than you and me. And hey, they don't blow up buildings or murder countless gay people - at least as far as I know - so they're definitely not on the bottom of the non-white totem pole.
#FreeMilo: Apparently, some Greek guy went on a tirade about how the left chose Muslims over gays in the wake of the Orlando attacks, and Twitter took away 100,000 of his followers.
See? This is why I don't tweet about anything substantial. Spamming links is the way to go, and if good old Milo followed my philosophy, he'd still have 220,000 followers instead of 120,000.
I guess I've noticed all of this stuff because it's the summer and I have less to do until August. My girlfriend starting a new job hasn't helped, as the only living person I see, unless I go to the gym, is my dog, and like I said, he'd rather chase insects than talk to me. Sherlock, in case you read this, I'm not talking crap about you; I'm just stating facts, bro.
Scouring Twitter more often does have its benefits. Amid all the whiny, douchey tweets, there is some useful information. For example, I learned that Larry David has decided to stop being lazy, as he finally announced Season 9 of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
There were two other stories I found interesting the other day. One involved "Iceland" trending. I initially thought that these were social justice warriors talking about climate change and how all of the ice in Iceland has melted, but I was wrong. "Iceland" trending was in regards to the country apparently doing well in some sort of soccer match.
I actually saw this on ESPN later. They were talking about how Iceland played incredibly well against Colombia, which is some sort of big deal, apparently. Then, the ESPN anchor said something I found quite ridiculous: "Iceland with a great showing, drawing with Colombia, 1-1."
Uhh... what!? All this hoopla over a draw? Are you f***ing kidding me? Who the f*** cares about a draw? Isn't a tie in football - the real version; not the sissy one where you don't use your arms - seen as "kissing your sister?" In that case, why would these Icelandic football fans be so excited about a freaking tie? Do Icelandic people like kissing each other's sister? Hey, if that's their culture, I'm not one to judge.
Oh, and by the way, do you know who also likes ties? Social justice warriors, who think participation trophies should be given to every kid so that they can feel good about themselves. These kids then grow up into these microaggression college losers who sulk in their stupid safe spaces, whatever the f*** they are. Going back to Muslims for a second, I hope that their next attack is on these safe spaces. I didn't think I'd ever endorse terrorism, but these safe spaces need to be blown off the map. I'm serious. This is how much I hate microaggression PC police douche bags.
Anyway, the second news story of interest was about India arresting 18 lions. This actually happened. Eighteen lions were arrested in India. I initially figured that the Indians suspected that one of them planned to overthrow Mufasa. But if that were the case, wouldn't they just arrest the one with the scar across his eye?
However, after reading up on this story, I quickly learned that this wasn't the case. Instead, one of these lions apparently ate a human, and the Indians realized that they could use paw prints to determine which feline killed the man.
So, once again, my thoughts and prayers go out to those involved. May those poor lions be safe.