Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013





Jerks of the Week for Oct. 28, 2013


WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter

I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore recently. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.

Everyone hates the rain, but I despise it more than anyone else. Back when I was a Penn State student eons ago, I used to skip all of my classes if there happened to be any sort of precipitation. Some of my creative friends used to call me the "Wicked Witch of the West Halls," as they joked that I would melt in the rain. I laughed along, knowing that this was actually true. I would have transformed into a puddle of goo had I gone outside on those icky days.

I'm now an old, fat man, which means I detest the rain even more. I even bought an elliptical recently (with an Internet connection so that I could make it tax-deductible; more on this in a future entry) just so I wouldn't have to go to the gym if there's bad weather.

It happened to be pouring all day on a Tuesday in mid-June (I wrote this then, but I'm posting this now). I planned to stay in the whole time - meaning I'd exercise on the elliptical and then order food (my usual chicken parm grinder and cheese fries) from the local Italian place - but my friends Man-Eaters, the Reverend and Body Burner told me that they were going to my local Saladworks that evening. I wanted to hang out with them, so I decided to brave the elements and drive to the gym in the rain.

Getting to the gym proved to be disastrous. There was a guy who was actually going the speed limit on a 25-mph, single-lane road. I also couldn't find a parking spot because the selfish a**hole members didn't save a spot for me. I had to park way in the back and walk like 90 seconds to the front entrance. I didn't melt, to my surprise, but I nearly collapsed out of shear misery.

Fortunately, the events at the gym made me forget all about my endless trek through the parking lot. It was an evening packed with hot chicks, dumb jerks and a mysterious kidnapping that'll have you on the edge of your seat.


Hot Chicks:

I changed into my swim trunks and walked onto the pool deck. I scanned the pool for an open lane, but every lane was full. Thanks to Smelly Swim Coach monopolizing a third of the pool, every lane had at least two swimmers in it, including Lane 5, where a Russian man in his 40s and a 9-year-old girl were playing some sort of weird game of footsy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I was pretty miffed for a few seconds. How dare these selfish a**holes not save me a lane? I mean, they probably figured that I wasn't coming because of the rain, but they still should have left an open spot for me. However, I quickly realized that this meant I had an excuse to swim in the therapy pool again.

Doing laps in the therapy pool is usually a pain in the a** because I'm at the other end after just seven strokes (as opposed to 16 or so in the regular-sized pool). However, there were two female lifeguards - Hot Blonde Lifeguard and Well-Endowed Lifeguard - giving swim lessons in the therapy pool that evening, so being in there gave me an excuse to constantly ogle them.

I gleefully skipped over to the therapy pool, where a male lifeguard was overseeing everything. I feigned frustration.

Me: Oh, this sucks! I can't go into the regular pool because it's sooooo packed!

Male Lifeguard: I don't know what to tell you.

Me: Ohhhh man, I guess I'll just have to go in here then.

Male Lifeguard: OK, I'll let you know if a spot opens up.

I prayed a spot wouldn't open up for a while as I hopped into the therapy pool. Feeling the 88-degree water was pretty awesome - obviously much more pleasurable than freezing to death in the 82-degree regular pool. I beamed as I looked at both chick lifeguards. They both had disgusted expressions on their faces (**), but I didn't care because I was about to have the ultimate swimming experience.

(**) I could see why Hot Blonde Lifeguard didn't want to see me at all, given that she thought I was stalking her when I saw her at Saladworks earlier in June, but I don't know what I did to Well-Endowed Lifeguard. Perhaps Hot Blonde Lifeguard told Well-Endowed Lifeguard what I apparently did, which is complete bulls*** since I did not stalk her. One of my goals in life is to be stalked by a hot chick; not the other way around.

I swam about 34 laps when I was rudely interrupted by the male lifeguard, who alerted me that a spot had finally opened up in the regular pool. He looked like he was expecting me to get out, but I stood my ground. I made a quick list in my head of the pros and cons of moving to the regular pool:

Pros:

  • I'd be able to get in a good workout.
  • I wouldn't have to worry about crashing into dumb little kids.

    Cons:

  • I wouldn't be able to creepily stare at Hot Blonde Lifeguard.
  • I wouldn't be able to creepily stare at Well-Endowed Lifeguard.
  • I'd likely catch pneumonia going from 88- to 82-degree water.
  • The pervert man and 9-year-old girl might still be there.
  • I wouldn't be able to creepily stare at Hot Blonde Lifeguard and Well-Endowed Lifeguard at the same time.

    I realized that it might be weird of me to stay there when I could just swim in the regular pool, so I just pretended like I was deciding what I was going to do. I rubbed the stubble on my chin and feigned being in deep thought. I even heard Well-Endowed Lifeguard say to Hot Blonde Lifeguard, "He's so indecisive!" There's a chance they may have been talking about one of the kids they were teaching, but I'd like to think they were discussing me because that would mean they were intrigued with what I was doing.

    My decision became a no-brainer when this unbelievably beautiful woman walked to the therapy pool. She had blond hair, a cute face and super-long legs. She had a little girl with her, but perhaps it was her little sister, or something. If it was her daughter, maybe she'd leave her in the pool for a while to take advantage of me in the closet. Hey, it can happen. I saw it on the Office finale when Ryan abandoned his son Drake to run away with the annoying Native American chick.

    I suddenly was in complete paradise. I was swimming in warm water and had attractive girls to the left and right of me. Life couldn't get any better. And that is exactly why I should have expected to run into a barrage of jerks who would piss me off.





    Dumb Jerks:

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard, Well-Endowed Lifeguard, Girl with Long Legs... I was completely overwhelmed. There were too many things to look at. I was tilting my head every which way that I completely forgot to look forward. And that's when - BAM! I crashed into a little kid.

    See, this is another reason I hate little kids. If you see a grown man swimming laps, what do you do?

    A) move directly into his path, causing a collision.
    B) poop and pee everywhere.
    C) stay out of his f***ing way.

    If you guessed "C," you are intelligent. Little kids don't know how to do "C" because their responses are "A" and "B." Oh, and to make matters worse, I angrily yelled, "What the hell?!" prompting him to cry. This drew angry looks from the parents sitting on the benches on the side of the pool. Oh, I'm just doing my workout and looking at hot chicks, and then little douche collides into me, and I'm the bad guy? How is that remotely fair?

    There were other dumb moments involving little kids. I took a break after a sprint and listened to Hot Blonde Lifeguard, who held a giant, orange hoop in her hands.

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: This is a ring of fire that you guys have to dive through!

    Dumb Kid: BUT THERE'S NO FIRE ON THE RING!!!

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: Pretend there's fire!

    Dumb Kid: NO, I WANT REAL FIRE!!!

    OK, a**hole, not only do you want to somehow have a ring of fire in the pool, but you also want to put you and your friends' lives in danger by diving through flames. Oh, and Hot Blonde Lifeguard is still somehow supposed to hold this ignited object, just so you can have your "real fire." I wish we could imprison people on the probability that they'll commit crimes in the future because this psychopath is going to be a legit pyromaniac in the future.

    It was suddenly 7 p.m. and all of the swim lessons in the therapy pool were done. Both the Hot Blonde Lifeguard and the Well-Endowed Lifeguard went to the regular pool. Girl with Long Legs was nowhere to be seen. As you may imagine, I suddenly lost interest in completing my workout. I still had about an eighth of a mile to go, but there was no reason for me to finish.

    I walked out of the pool and went to retrieve my bag when a man in his late 60s blocked my path. I thought he was going to berate me for cursing at the little kid or leering at all of the girls, but that was hardly the case.

    Old Man: Did you get a good workout in?

    Me: I guess...

    Old Man: You are an amazing swimmer! How do you move so quickly like that!?

    I was happy that the old man complimented me like that, but our conversation quickly became boring. It somehow went from discussing Olympic swimming to NASCAR. I was bored out of my mind because I don't give a damn about auto racing, and I was also aggravated because I wanted to talk to Hot Blonde Lifeguard about Saladworks - just to see if she actually thought I was a creeper. This guy wouldn't let me go, unfortunately, so I was stuck talking to him for about 10 minutes.

    I was saved when he looked around and said, "Where's my granddaughter?" I took this opportunity to duck out of there and head to the locker room.

    I normally would have gotten rinsed off and then changed, but there was no water pressure in the showers. I figured that going to the locker rooms on the other side of the building would be the best option. I did so by cutting through the pool deck, but I bumped into the old man again, unfortunately. I thought he was going to accost me with some more NASCAR discussion, but he asked me if I had seen his granddaughter. In the men's locker room? I sure as hell hope not.

    Sure enough, I bumped into Hot Blonde Lifeguard. She was standing on the side of the pool because the little girl she was teaching was in the water. This was my chance to clear the air.

    Me: Hey, I'll see ya. Maybe at Saladworks again!

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: Oh, yeah. That was weird.

    Me: I go in there all the time, actually.

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: Oh, do you?

    Me: Yeah, they all know my name and what I get every time.

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: I'm sure.

    Me: I either get the Chicken Caesar Salad, or the Buffalo Blue, only I substitute the...

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: That's pretty interesting.

    Me: buffalo chicken with barbeque chicken and I also...

    Hot Blonde Lifeguard: Oh, cool.

    This conversation didn't last much longer, but two things were clear: 1) She did not suspect that I was stalking her. 2) She was super into me and was giving me short answers to throw off suspicion that she was stalking me. I'm not completely sure of this, but I'm about 95-percent confident that she'd "randomly" bump into me at Saladworks again.

    I reached the other locker room about 30 seconds later, but going in there proved to be a mistake. I rinsed off and was putting clothes on when this tall, muscular, completely naked man approached the TV. ESPN's NFL Live was being shown, but he changed the channel to Tour de France coverage. He then stared at the bicyclists on TV and sighed, "ahhh..." and "ooohhh..." I actually thought he'd begin to touch himself, so I accelerated the changing process.

    I bolted out of there as quickly as possible and nearly bumped into someone again. This wasn't a stupid, little kid, however. This was a grown man who looked completely disheveled. He was wearing a white shirt with yellow stains on it and boasted unkempt black hair that was probably covered in lice. He had a completely perplexed expression on his face. Upon nearly crashing into me, he turned around and actually ran the other way. I was so incredibly confused.

    I made my way out of the gym, but not before meeting the old man a third time. He looked way more concerned than before. He asked again, "Have you seen my granddaughter?" In the other men's locker room, with the heterosexually challenged Tour de France fan? I sure as hell hope not.







    Mysterious Kidnapping:

    So, what happened to the little girl? Believe it or not, but the authorities actually apprehended the aforementioned disheveled man in the parking lot after finding the little girl in his car. There was a long standoff between the dirty man and the cops, which I imagine went something like this:

    Cop: Put your hands where I can see them!

    Disheveled Man: But I can't get this ketchup packet open!

    Cop: Sir, put the ketchup packet down now!

    Disheveled Man: Wait, wait, I'm gonna get it, I got it op... ah, crap, now there's a red stain on my shirt too!

    Cop: Sir, step away from the ketchup packet!

    Disheveled Man: Hey, stop bothering me, or I'll smother you with my lice!

    The cops somehow handcuffed him and returned the little girl to her grandfather. He would ultimately bore her with more NASCAR talk, but at least she was safe from his condiment packets and lice.


    That's how it could have happened...

    ...How about this?


    The authorities knocked on Tour de France Perv's door later that evening. They then yelled for him to open up. There was no response, so they knocked down the door. They found Tour de France Perv naked on his couch, touching himself as French bicyclists were shown on TV.

    Cop: Where's the little girl, sicko!?

    Tour de France Perv: Sacre bleu, you cannot arrest me vizout zee varrant!

    Cop: Tell me where she is now, or we'll slice your penis off so you can't touch yourself anymore!

    Tour de France Perv: Mais non, I need my pee-pee vhen I vatch Tour de France, haw, haw, haw!

    Tour de France Perv informed the officer that the little girl was tied up in the guest bedroom. She apparently was being held as a hostage so that Tour de France Perv could lure her grandfather into his cult. Each Wednesday, he and his cult members watch French bicyclists on TV as they touch each other, and he thought the grandfather would make a fine addition to this organization.

    Fortunately, that never happened because Tour de France Perv was arrested. He was taken to prison, where he was sexually assaulted in the showers. He thought about the French bicyclists as this was happening.


    But here's what really happened...

    Well-Endowed Lifeguard and Hot Blonde Lifeguard teamed up to kidnap the little girl. The former distracted the grandfather with her large boobies, allowing the latter to sneak away with the child.

    "You're going to be my spy when I try to stalk that WalterFootball guy," she said gleefully.

    She was so happy and proud of herself that she didn't see the mustard packet on the ground. She slipped and fell into the pool, allowing Disheveled Man to steal the little girl from her.

    Granddaughter: I want my mommy!

    Disheveled Man: I want my mommy too so she can clean the lice out of my hair, but I buried her in my backyard. Now, you'll be my new mommy so you can open these condiment packets for me, hee hee hee haa haa haa!

    Disheveled Man suddenly smelled an odd odor. Then, he was wet. Before he realized it, someone was washing him.

    "Haw, haw, haw, I no can vatch zee Tour de France viz zis foul smell," Tour de France Perv snorted.

    The soap bubbles engulfed Disheveled Man, who disappeared like the bacteria in the cleaning commercials. The little girl was now Tour de France Perv's - but only for a few seconds. Tour de France Perv never saw it coming, but Girl with Long Legs knocked him out with a wooden plank.

    Granddaughter: Where's my mommy?

    Girl with Long Legs: I'm your new mommy. I will take you to swimming pools across the country, and they'll never suspect a thing because I'm so hot!

    Girl with Long Legs walked out with the granddaughter, holding her hand. They were in the parking lot when she felt the granddaughter's hand grow larger by the second. Soon enough, it was larger than hers - and much manlier. She looked at the granddaughter, but her kidnapping victim was no longer a little girl. It was a fat man who just completed seven-eighths of a mile.

    Girl with Long Legs: You! You're the granddaughter!

    Me: Hell of a plot twist, huh? Wanna bang?

    Before she could say yes, the male lifeguard approached us.

    Male Lifeguard: Hey, I need to ask you, why didn't you move into the regular pool?

    Me: With all of the hot girls there? Are you crazy? That sort of question makes me think that you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    Male Lifeguard: Gay? No, no, I'm not gay, I swear!

    Me: Yeah, sure, sure. See, this is why I involved everyone in this fictional kidnapped granddaughter story - so I could sleep with the hottest woman at the pool. I wouldn't expect a heterosexually challenged man to understand this.

    Suddenly, dozens of police cars surrounded us. In an even crazier plot twist, Male Lifeguard flashed his badge. It said "Police Chief" on it.

    Male Lifeguard: You have the right to remain silent! I caught you red-handed!

    Me: BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, SHE DID IT!

    Girl with Long Legs: I DIDN'T DO IT! THEY DID IT!

    Concussed Tour de France Perv: MAIS NON, I NO DO ZIS!

    Respawned Disheveled Man: IT WASN'T ME EITHER! HEY, WHERE'D MY EXTRA MUSTARD PACKET GO?

    Wet Hot Blonde Lifeguard: EVERYONE'S GUILTY EXCEPT ME!

    Well-Endowed Lifeguard: I COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH BIG BOOBS!

    The cops pointed their guns every which way in complete confusion. Someone finally spoke up.

    Random Cop: Chief, who done it?

    Male Lifeguard: They all did it! But if you want to know who found the "granddaughter," it was me, in the parking lot, with my great detective skills.

    Random Cop: Good job, Chief!

    Male Lifeguard: Thanks. Now, take them away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.




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    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 24


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 23


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5



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