JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
I've always said that the Internet is the greatest invention since lesbian porn. Well, I guess one could argue that it's even better than lesbian porn, since you could just download it via the Internet, but that's just semantics.
The Internet is awesome for other things as well. If you ever need to look up a fact, trustworthy Wikipedia is just sitting there. If you need directions, just go to Google Maps or Mapquest - though I wouldn't recommend asking how to drive from the continental United States to Hawaii because they'll tell you to head up to Seattle and kayak across the Pacific Ocean:
I'm not exactly sure why you have to first go to Seattle to sail across the Pacific Ocean. Does Seattle have a monopoly on kayaks that I don't know about? If so, shouldn't this be illegal because the government doesn't want monopolies? There are shenanigans here, so I demand answers.
The Internet also allows you to communicate with people you'd otherwise never talk to in your entire life. For instance, on the WalterFootball.com forums, we have people posting from all over the United States, as well several countries in Europe, South America and the South Pacific. Though we have to deal with the occasional troll, it's fun to chat and play games like Mafia with everyone on a daily basis.
I set up the current version of my forums in the summer of 2007. I never would have ever imagined meeting any of the posters back then. However, two members of the forum, who happen to be two close friends in real life, Body Burner and Injured Reserve, came up with the idea to host a fantasy football draft and invite others who post on the forum.
2) Injured Reserve
3) Body Burner
9) uslydevil (also an in-real-life friend)
Others were slated to come as well. Clov was bringing his wife (aptly named Mrs. Clov on the forums), who made delicious brownies for all of us. Leelee, the female with the most posts on the forum, and moderator VBSiena said they'd come as well, but the latter canceled at the last second. As for Leelee, no one actually thought she'd show up - we discussed it the night before and came up with 50:1 odds of her actually coming - but then again, I can't exactly blame a girl for not driving down from Buffalo to hang out with 12 dudes she's never met before.
Most of the people who signed up were in the Philly-New Jersey area, but others traveled from afar. Clov came in from Maryland. Gong and BCB took a road trip from Ohio. Rags, meanwhile, trekked the farthest of all; he made a 12-hour drive from Nashville. Now that's dedication.
Since Gong, BCB and Rags were traversing long distances, they planned to stay the entire weekend. And it was definitely a crazy weekend. I'm going to recount my experiences based on what people wrote in the thread as this event was going on.
Gong: I also can't get arrested. I mean none of us can, but it will be worse for me.
This was posted a few days prior to the weekend. I didn't know whether to be excited or worried based on what Gong wrote. I could tell that this would be the start of an epic weekend, but then again, it's not every day that I have people over who tell me that they absolutely can't get arrested.
Rags: Hitting the road. Gong: Gonna hit the road in about an hour, pick Bcb up in Youngstown, then make it down that way.
Both of these messages were posted prior to noon on Friday. Gong and BCB came in around 8:30, while Rags arrived about an hour later. Body Burner and Injured Reserve told me that all three forum members were pretty much how they pictured them. I couldn't agree, however, because I don't have that much of a descriptive imagination. For instance, I'm always asked by non-readers of the Game of Thrones TV show if the characters in the books are like I imagined them. I shrug my shoulders in response because I don't try to think about what characters look like.
Instead of trying to picture Gong, BCB and Rags' appearance, I just figured that they looked like their avatars. Here's what they are, respectively:
As you can tell, I pictured Gong to be a person with a circular, maniacal yellow face. Sort of like this:
Meanwhile, BCB is obviously second in terms of post counts for hot chicks. And Rags? Umm... let's just say that I'm glad I didn't s*** my pants when he walked into my house.
PSU: She was just pretending to go so she could get Walt's address and steal his identity.
PSU said this in response to Leelee's post about not showing up. I bet PSU was kidding because hot chicks are completely trustworthy. If Leelee asked for my social security and credit card numbers, I'd give it to her, no problem. She would never do anything bad with my information.
Rags: Me, Walt, BB, IR, bcb, and Gong are all in the same room.
While everyone's appearance shocked me, Rags, BCB and Gong acted exactly how I expected them to. Especially Gong - who went on endless rants about things, especially the Browns. I wish someone would've recorded him. He said stuff like:
"F*** THE BROWNS! AND F*** BRANDON WEEDEN AND F*** JORDAN CAMERON AND F*** ANYONE WHO DRAFTS JORDAN CAMERON AND F*** JOSH GORDON AND F*** GREG LITTLE AND F*** MIKE HOLMGREN AND F*** PAT SHURMUR AND F*** THE BROWNS, F*** F*** F*** THE BROWNS!!!"
Gong's rants are something you have to experience for yourself to realize how truly awesome they are.
Body Burner: Lots of drinking and I'm drunk. Bedtime for me. I had the hiccups and Rags punched me in the chest and they went away so he's a magician. Gong is a madman in a good way and BCB is cool voice of reason for the group. A group pic was taken, minus Walt, to be posted later. Day/Night 2 has a lot to live up to. Did I mention Rags is a magician?
So he's not a crazy, hooded swordsman, after all. My mind would've been blown a few days ago.
The best part of the night though was learning what BCB stands for:
Booty Call Bill.
Oh, and here's the picture Boby Burner referenced:
Gong: Hilarity. Don't think I was banned by anyone or anywhere. Good times.
Gong was the most hammered out of all of us. He played beer pong, but apparently had to be told that he did this the following morning because he didn't remember doing so.
Gong was awesome though because when I walked downstairs that morning, I smelled something delicious.
Is that... is that... bacon and eggs? But how is that happening in this house?
As you may know, I have no idea where to buy eggs because I'm not sure where the local eggery is located. And bacon? No idea. I never even imagined buying bacon before. I wasn't even aware such glorious food could be purchased in a store. I figured you had to call someone in the Yellow Pages, and they'd send someone out to deliver bacon to you.
As it turns out, there were bacon and eggs being made in my house. Gong prepared breakfast for everyone, which was very cool of him. And here I thought he was maniacal yellow face guy who would get multiple people arrested.
Clov: I'm running the league. So far, I have the best team. Gong is hammered and has no idea who's been taken. He tried drafting Larry Fitzgerald in the middle of the fifth round, even though JLash took him 24th overall.
Clov also sent me everyone's picks. I'll analyze the draft at the end of this article for those of you who don't like fantasy football.
Gong was absolutely hilarious during our fantasy draft. I'm not sure why he grabbed Steve Smith over Larry Fitzgerald in the fourth round if he had them both available. This wasn't the only instance that he tried to select chosen players. In fact, he went on a run of five consecutive picks in which he did this. The first occurred when he announced Andre Johnson in the middle of the third round. Body Burner shouted, "Andre Johnson's not available, and it's not even your turn to draft!"
Gong also provided us with a glorious Browns' rant and the following fantasy advice: "If everybody takes a defense, then f*** those guys who play matchups. Welcome to hell, f***ers!" Oh, and about Julius Thomas, the starting tight end for the Broncos: "Who the f*** is Julius Thomas? What the f*** are we doing here?"
The best Gong moment transpired during an alcohol break in the 11th round. Since Gong was completely intoxicated and had no idea which players were chosen, Body Burner came up with a brilliant idea to delete a player from his roster and add that player back to his cheat sheet. To do this, Body Burner told me to distract Gong, so I asked Gong if he wanted to get a beer from the fridge.
After I came back down to the basement, Body Burner told me that he deleted Lance Moore from Gong's roster and placed him back on his cheat sheet. Gong eventually returned and stared at his cheat sheet in bewilderment.
"Is Lance Moore really still available?" He asked. All I could do was nod my head and hold in my laughter.
When it was Gong's turn...
"I'll pick Lance Moore."
The entire room erupted in laughter and applause. We told Gong what happened, and he was a good sport about it. I figured this would be a great fantasy football story to tell for years to come, but it wasn't over yet.
A few rounds later, Gong asked what I thought of his team. I looked at it and told him that he forgot to add Lance Moore back in.
"Wait, I really do have Lance Moore!?" he asked in complete shock.
Clov: "Jay Cutler is full orgasm. Jay Cutler is the best ever. He seems like the dumbest a** you've ever met in your life, except if he was here, you'd be like 'I took you in fantasy' and he'd just shrug." - Gong.
Gong was, by far, the most entertaining person I've ever drafted with. He now holds that distinction over a guy who selected the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense No. 1 overall back in 2001 because "Defense wins championships." Derp.
Rags posted this picture of us after the draft was over:
Speaking of full orgasm... I'm not sure why it looked like I had a boner in the picture. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with having a boner while lying on top of four dudes.
Here are some responses to my apparent erection (it didn't really happen; my belt caused that, I swears!):
El Guapo: Does Walt have an erection?
Leelee: Note the guy in the white shirt was on his knees.
BroncosCon: Damn, Walt stock UP.
Lukic: That's not all Walt's got up.
Body Burner: Btw Walt had an erection because a hot naked girl was taking the photo and my thumb was up his a**.
Prodigy, meanwhile, wrote down everyone's names and hilariously added something/someone:
Hey, it's Leelee! I can give her my bank info, and all will be fine!
Cory: Rags is dropping things. Gong is Gong. Bcb is bcb. Basically what you'd imagine.
We played beer pong and mafia afterward. I invited some people over, but most of them were no-shows because of the holiday weekend.
Among those who came was someone I like to call Anti-Facebook Girl (she doesn't have Facebook and is adamant about never creating a profile). I was hanging out with her outside while she smoked a cigarette. She asked me, "Walter, on a scale of one to five, how drunk are you?"
I thought about it for a second and said 2.5. That's when my neighbor pulled into his driveway. I tried to say hi to him, but I slurred my words, and he didn't understand me.
Anti-Facebook Girl: Bulls*** you're a 2.5!
Me: OK, fiinnne, hic, 2.75!
Anti-Facebook Girl: Bulls***! You can't even talk!
I wonder what was happening inside while I was on my front steps...
Cory: "Gong, do you take anxiety medication?" - Uslydevil
Again, I'm super depressed that we didn't tape one of Gong's rants.
Uslydevilyou: I honestly didn't realize how drunk/tired Tbod was until I left. Mofo is passed out.
Tbod did indeed pass out on my couch. Rags wanted to draw penises on his face, but as PSU and I quickly pointed out, Tbod was aware enough to take off his shoes. A disappointed Rags blamed us for having stupid northern rules.
Tbod: I dunno what time I passed out, probably fairly early, but this was good times. I'd also like to thank whoever drew the splooging ***** on my foot for not drawing it on my face.
Oh, but we allowed Rags draw a penis on Tbod's foot. We didn't want him to think that us northerners were that soft.
I don't know what happened after that because I went upstairs to get even "more excited" than I was before on the couch. I did hear Gong yelling though, which was not shocking to me at all.
Leelee: How much did everyone hate me there?
JLash: Don't kid yourself, nobody there wasted time caring about you.
Rags: Running on addy, red bull and tobacco. 8 hours down, 4 1/2 to go. Then bar time!
Bar time after two straight days of drinking and 24 total hours of driving? Awesome. I would expect nothing less from one of the forum members who came to my house for a great weekend.
As mentioned, Clov sent me the results of our fantasy football draft. Here they are:
MY PICKS, ROUNDS 1-4: I'm going by four rounds instead of the usual two because I'm wiped out from this weekend.
This league starts three receivers and a flex (along with the standard 1 QB, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 DEF). Thus, my choice of Calvin Johnson was a no-brainer.
I don't mind a one-two punch at running back with David Wilson and Daryl Richardson. I thought Demaryius Thomas was a steal at 3.08.
BEST PICKS, ROUNDS 1-4: One pick that might stick out right away is Arian Foster at 2.02. Everyone's down on Foster - including me - but there's no denying that he's a good bargain at No. 14 overall.
If David Wilson wasn't there, I would've chosen Matt Forte.
I liked the receivers who were taken late in the second (as well as Brandon Marshall at 3.01, Roddy White at 4.01, Danny Amendola at 4.02 and Wes Welker at 4.11). Again, this is a 3-WR league, so wideouts are very valuable.
WORST PICKS, ROUNDS 1-4: I don't think you can ever go wrong with Drew Brees or Arian Rodgers because they are bust-proof studs, but in a league that requires everyone to start six running backs/wide receivers, quarterbacks aren't valuable enough to be chosen in the first two rounds. I could maybe see Rodgers in the second because interceptions are minus-3 in this league (compared to six points for passing touchdowns), but still.
Body Burner likes Shane Vereen almost as much as I do lying on top of four dudes, but I feel like he could've waited one more round for him and drafted a receiver like Wes Welker instead.
And finally, I suppose I have to award Gong with a worst selection for choosing Steve Smith when he heard Larry Fitzgerald (incorrectly) available on his board. Steve Smith over Larry Fitzgerald...
MY PICKS, ROUNDS 5-8: Ahmad Bradshaw is a solid fifth-round flex. I had my eye on Eric Decker or Antonio Brown as my WR3, but Gong and Cory snagged them off the board.
I then went with my starting quarterback and tight end. I figure Andrew Luck's interceptions will go down in his second year. Antonio Gates needs a walker, but he'll still catch touchdowns.
BEST PICKS, ROUNDS 5-8: Gong made two solid picks in Rounds 5-6 before everything went downhill for him. I mentioned Cory's Antonio Brown, and I also need to credit Injured Reserve for James Jones at 5.10.
Rags made my decision easier in Round 5. I was strongly considering Pierre Garcon, who will be a stud if he's healthy.
I like Kenbrell Thompkins, but not enough to choose him in the sixth round. Also, Chris Ivory and Le'Veon Bell won't be the starting running backs on their respective teams heading into Week 1 for various reasons.
MY PICKS, ROUNDS 9-12: I was desperate for a fourth receiver, and Mike Williams was the best I could get. Williams is the only Buccaneer I own in any of my six leagues this year. Tampa's going to stink.
I love Bernard Pierce's upside. Nate Washington is Jake Locker's favorite target. Owen Daniels is a solid backup tight end who could be used as a flex if I'm desperate.
BEST PICKS, ROUNDS 9-12: Body Burner has stolen Alshon Jeffery several picks before me in two leagues that we're in together. Justin Blackmon is another good receiver pick, though I didn't want him because I already selected Cecil Shorts.
Body Burner proved exactly why you can wait on tight ends. He grabbed two good ones in the 11th and 12th rounds, though Gong predictably trashed the Jordan Cameron selection.
Gong, by the way, made a power move selecting Isaac Redman just as we all learned that Jonathan Dwyer had been inexplicably released.
WORST PICKS, ROUNDS 9-12: You can never go wrong drafting Darren McFadden's backup, but Marcel Reece was chosen about three rounds too early.
Texans' defense in Round 9? Why, Gong, why?
Oh, and speaking of Gong, the famous "Lance Moore double pick" was the Joe Flacco selection. I'll be telling this amazing fantasy football story for years to come.
MY PICKS, ROUNDS 13-16: Quinton Patton, a fourth-round rookie, looked awesome in the preseason. He could emerge as a potential WR3, as Colin Kaepernick has to find someone to throw to besides Anquan Boldin and Vernon Davis.
Backup quarterback (Matt Schaub doesn't throw many interceptions), a kicker and a defense.
BEST PICKS, ROUNDS 13-16: I always look for upside here. Kendall Wright could be the top-producing receiver in Tennessee. Andre Brown may make it back by November and screw me out of David Wilson touchdowns. Denarius Moore is a dumba**, but he's the No. 1 wideout in Oakland.
WORST PICKS, ROUNDS 13-16: Jermaine Gresham is Gong's starting tight end. I have a feeling he's going to wish he had Jordan Cameron.