I haven't written about my new gym in quite some time because I hadn't gone there in a while. We've had a super-cold winter, and this gym is cheap and doesn't heat up its pool above 80 degrees on most days. By comparison, my other gym maintains its pool around 85. Five degrees may not seem much to you non-swimming folks, but think about it this way: If you have a 100-degree temperature, you're just sick. If your body is at 105 degrees, you're in the hospital, and your family members are preparing to not call you an a**hole at your impending funeral.
My new gym has a therapy pool as well. It's normally kept at 90 degrees, but it doesn't have ideal swimming conditions; it's 12 yards by 12 yards, if that, meaning it's less than half the size of the regular pool. If I push off the wall, I'm at the other side by seven or eight strokes. Moreover, there are usually fat, old women and annoying kids in there, so my attempt to swim a mile usually turns into an obstacle course.
Why am I a member at this gym, you ask? Well, my old gym rents out the pool to a camp during the summer - more on that next week - so I have to work out somewhere else. Besides, 80-degree water isn't too unpleasant during the summer. This new gym is also a lot closer to my house.
I'm actually more than a member there. I've paid for a sign for this Web site in the weight room there. I've gotten a free membership out of it, all while using it as a tax deduction. Before you criticize me, please remember that it's the American dream to find legal loopholes through our ridiculous tax system. So, instead of funding some drug-addict woman's 15th bastard, or some corrupt congressman's 15th yacht, I'm legally putting the money back into my own pocket. Like I said, it's the American dream.
Actually, to be more accurate, I used to advertise there. The new gym was bought out by AFC Fitness, and they e-mailed me in January, asking me what the deal was for the banner. I told them that I paid for it through July. I never heard back from them, and since I went to my old gym instead, I figured everything was fine - until my friends Jamie and Val each separately told me that they took my sign down. I e-mailed them again, but didn't receive a response. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands by visiting AFC Fitness instead.
AFC Fitness Douches:
The first thing I did was pop into the weight room to see if my sign was indeed missing. That was the case, and none of the other banners were displayed either. I worked out and then went to the front desk. The girl there, who had always been dress sluttily, was now wearing an AFC Fitness polo shirt and khaki pants. Appalled, I asked her if the manager I was friends with still worked there. She said he didn't, and when I told her my issue, she summoned two guys wearing suits. One was about my age and looked like a douche with his wavy blond hair. The other was in his 50s and looked like a much bigger douche.
Younger Douche: What seems to be the problem?
Me: I advertise here, but my banner is no longer in the weight room.
Younger Douche: Oh, we no longer accept banner advertisements here.
Me: But I have a contract, and I paid through June...
Younger Douche: We can give you your banner back, but that's all we can do.
Me: Give me my banner back?
Younger Douche: Yeah, we put all of the banners in the back dumpster. I'll go get it.
Wow, what dicks. They could have at least notified me that they were breaching the contract and tossing my banner away in the trash before actually doing it. Instead, I had to wait until he returned from the back dumpster.
He came back about 10 minutes later. He asked if it was mine, and I confirmed. He placed it down and tried to strike a bargain with me, pointing out that I could advertise on their video panels. I declined, knowing full well that they'd find a way to delete my ad without informing me or offering to reimburse me.
I asked for my money back. Younger Douche told me he'd discuss it with Older Douche, and the latter approached me.
Older Douche: Here's the deal. We ran the numbers, and the amount of money you have left on your deal gives you 6.9 months free membership. How about we give you six months free membership, and we'll call it a deal?
Me: What? 6.9 months?
Older Douche: All right, you know what. Because I'm in a good mood, I'll throw in a seventh month, free of charge. So, you'll be a member here through January. How does that sound?
Oh, how generous of you! I was pretty pissed, but what else was I going to do? I could have asked for my money back, but I wanted somewhere to swim this summer. I could have contacted my lawyer and sued them for a breach of contract, but the total amount of money wasn't worth the headache. So, I accepted the seven months.
I don't understand how they could do this. What if my friends hadn't informed me my banner was down? I don't use that weight room, so I never would have known. Thus, the money I spent advertising my Web site - and legally cheating the government - would have gone to waste. They would have just collected all of the money I paid them without informing me.
When I asked them why I wasn't notified, they said that someone forgot to send out the e-mail. Yes, they "forgot." How convenient. I bet they "forgot" to send e-mails out to everyone so that AFC Fitness could steal as much money from advertisers as possible without them knowing.
I'm going to find a new summer gym in the near future, and in the meantime, I'm going to use my seven months. But based on my most recent experience, I may just avoid AFC Fitness all together...
Lord of the Therapy Pool:
Even in the summer, 80 degrees is my limit. I won't go in if it's any colder. I am a fat man who will freeze to death in frigid water. As it turns out, the regular pool was 77 because the pump broke. I mean, the pump "broke." Because there's no way that AFC Fitness was hoarding more money in addition to what it stole from its advertisers.
I refused to go in there. I looked at the therapy pool and saw that it was a pleasant 90 degrees. One side was sealed off by a lane line for swim lessons, but the other part of the pool was free - save for one fat old woman who was bobbing up and down. She moving perpendicularly to the lane line, so I planned to ask her to bob up and down in the other direction so that I could actually swim normally, using both walls. Let me MS Paint you a picture:
Ignoring the "SB" and its arrows for now - I'll get to that later - do you see what I mean? If the fat woman bobbed up and down horizontally, I could have swum across with no issues. I told the lifeguard that I was going to request this.
His response? "Good luck, man." I thought he was joking, but apparently not. I approached the old woman, who scowled at me. I would've laughed at her ridiculous George Washington haircut, but I needed to ask her a favor.
Me: Excuse me, ma'am, would you mind swimming the other way so I can swim too?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: No.
Me: Thanks, I app... wait, what?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: No, I need to exercise this way.
Lord of the Therapy Pool: It's too shallow over there.
Me: Oh... well, can you let me have this little strip (REQUESTED SWIMMING AREA IN THE PICTURE) and you can have the rest?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: No!
Me: Are you serious?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: You can't have it!
Me: Well, what about the strip near the lane line over there?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: No! You can't swim!
Me: What do you mean, I can't swim?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: You can't swim here!
Me: I'm a paying member here! You can't hog the entire pool!
Lord of the Therapy Pool: I was a member here for a long time! You're a new member!
Me: I'm not a new member. I've been here for more than three years!
Lord of the Therapy Pool: Hmph.
Me: So, what am I supposed to do?
Lord of the Therapy Pool: Go home. I'm exercising here.
Wow. "Go home?" Are you f***ing serious? I was even angrier than I was about the banner. I don't understand. First of all, what did her being an old member have to do with her usage of the therapy pool? Do long-time members of this gym have the right to be complete a**holes to new members? And second, how could she be such a b***h? Giving me that tiny strip along the wall was not a big deal. All she was doing was bobbing up and down and moving vertically along the pool. It wouldn't have ruined her "exercise" if she gave me that tiny strip.
I decided to f*** her. Not literally, of course, because she would have accidentally swallowed me. I just jumped in and began swimming. I eventually stopped and expected her to say something to me, but she just gave me an evil look. I desperately wanted to say, "I'm swimming here because you're an evil c**t who deserves to get punished," but she didn't pay much attention to me outside of that first glare. That's because she was too busy flipping the bird to Smelly Swim Coach. I wish I were making this up.
Her malice toward Smelly Swim Coach confused me at first, but I understood why quickly enough. One of the kids taking swim lessons in the big pool was crying because it was too cold, so Smelly Swim Coach allowed him to swim parallel to me - horizontally across the therapy pool, which cut Lord of the Therapy Pool's "exercise" room considerably.
I almost felt sorry for her, but then again, it's difficult to sympathize with evil tyrants.
There are some hot milfs who show up to the AFC Fitness pool. Unfortunately, there are grotesque mothers as well. One of them, who was sporting a tank top that showed off some horrible cleavage, yelled at the 8-year-old kid who was in the therapy pool with us. She, apparently, was his mother, and she took umbrage to her son not being man enough to swim in the icy pool. She constantly yelled at him with her thick, Russian accent.
Chubby Momma: Vhy you svim here!? Svim zere!
Cold Kid: But it's too cold, momma!
Chubby Momma: Igor svim zere! Vasil svim zere! Vhy you no svim zere!?
Cold Kid: It's toooo coooold.
Chubby Momma: Now vee not going to Phillies game on Sunday! You no go! Because you too cold!
Cold Kid: But momma!
Chubby Momma: You not man! You little baby! Little baby too cold for ozzer pool!
Cold Kid: But momma!
Chubby Momma: You crying! Little baby crying! Little baby no can svim in cold pool! Little baby can no go to Phillies game!
The kid was balling at this point. I felt sorry for him. The larger pool was too cold for me, and I was close to 25 years his senior.
I wanted to step in. Here's what I would have said if I addressed the mother:
Hey, take it easy on your son. The other pool is as cold as balls. I refuse to go in there too. And lady, please don't wear anymore tank tops until you lose at least 25 pounds. Your cleavage is terrible.
And if I opted to talk to the kid instead?
Hey kid, don't listen to your mom. She's a fat b***h with bad cleavage. Avoid cold pools at all cost, and you'll be cool like me one day. You'll be running your own football site, and you'll be writing about other fat moms with bad cleavage.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the opportunity to talk to either because Chubby Momma pestered her son enough that he tried the icy pool again.
I say good riddance. To the bad cleavage, of course.
Second Fat Woman:
I was swimming a lap in the second half of my workout when a giant object approached me in the middle of the pool. I had to swerve out of the way to avoid it. I stopped and looked to see what it was. It was another fat, old woman.
I'm not kidding when I say this, but this woman looked like she just crawled out of a swamp. She was one of the most hideous creatures I've ever seen. Not only was she obese, but her face was distorted. She also had these lifeless blue eyes, almost as if she wasn't aware of anything around her.
You know how they say that a person's eyes are a window into a person's soul, or some bulls*** like that? Well, it was completely true for this woman, because she was as lifeless as her eyes. All she did was walk - or rather, stomp - back and forth. She's the "SB" in my prior diagram, with "SB" standing for Swamp Beast.
No matter where I was in the pool, or how fast I was going, Swamp Beast would stomp back and forth. I nearly hit her a dozen times, yet she didn't care. She just kept moving back and forth. I even swam past her one time, yet she moved herself into my leg so that I accidentally kicked her. She didn't say anything or veer off her path. She just monotonously stomped to the wall, back to the lane line and back to the wall again.
Again, I wish I were making this up, but this woman had no grasp of reality. She was willing to move into my path, regardless of whether I rammed right into her. I didn't understand it until I completed my workout and looked at Lord of the Therapy Pool. She was laughing at me.
I suddenly understood what happened: Lord of the Therapy Pool used dark magic to summon a Swamp Beast to ruin my workout. That explained everything. It might also provide a reason for my missing banner. My guess is that Lord of the Therapy Pool threatened the two AFC Fitness douches with her dark magic.
On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have swum in the therapy pool. She could have done a lot more damage to me than summon a simple swamp beast.