Remember the good old days when Facebook was awesome? It was such a welcome change from MySpace, which I seldom used because it would crash my computer every time I tried to log in. MySpace was terrible. The premise was good, but they let the user have too many options pertaining to their profile appearance.
Almost every single female friend I had decked their profile out with glittery pink backgrounds and had some Backstreet Brothers song automatically playing as soon as I accessed their page. And by the time I found where the audio player was so I could stop the damn song, I had already heard enough to keep stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Oh, and don't forget the stupid Zwinky pop-ups. No, I don't want to put clothes on a damn cartoon chick.
Facebook was much simpler. It had a white background that didn't give me migraines and the format of the profiles was much easier to follow. It also didn't have any music options or pop-up ads, so I completely abandoned my Myspace profile and posted exclusively on Facebook. I don't even know the previous time I updated my Myspace account. I might still be a Penn State student according to that.
Unfortunately, Facebook sucks now for several reasons. Let's review them:
I swear, I haven't heard the following from a single person, "I'm so glad Facebook changed to the timeline format!" Not one individual has said this at any point ever. Instead, it was always, "Nooooo I now have timeline! I'm done using Facebook!" - except you weren't because all of your pictures and friends were on there. And there aren't any better options in terms of social media.
I don't understand why Facebook forced timeline down our throats like this. Why not give us the option of moving to that format? And why make your platform look like Myspace's? Do you want to piss off your customers, Mark Zuckerberg?
2. Stock Price:
I'd love to blame Zuckerberg's idiotic decision to go with timeline for Facebook's plummeting stock price. Unfortunately, that has very little to do with it.
Because I run this Web site as a full-time job and have my site listed No. 1 in most relevant Google search queries, I'd like to think I know how the Internet works. When Facebook announced its IPO, I was eager to purchase numerous shares - that is, until I read the public reaction to it. Most posts on Yahoo Finance's message board went like this: "OMG FACEBOK STOCK PRICETED WAY TO HI IT SHOOLD BE LIEK FIVE DOLARZ LULZ!"
Every single post was like this, which completely changed my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn't convince others. A good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, also makes money through a Web site. I had this conversation with him on St. Stalin's Day:
Friend: Hey, did you buy any shares of Facebook stock yet?
Me: No... did you?
Friend: Yeah! Bought a couple hundred shares at $31! I can't believe they were so cheap. You should get in on that before the price skyrockets.
Me: Eh, I don't know man. I don't think people realize how powerful Facebook is, so I'm going to wait for the price to go down.
Friend: Well, OK, but you'll be sorry when each share is worth at least $100.
Shares went as low as $17.55, meaning my friend lost quite a bit of money. It's a good thing I was too drunk to rush home and access my eTrade account.
The price has dropped so drastically because people don't understand how lucrative the Internet can be - and Facebook is currently king of the Internet. Facebook and Google are the two most heavily trafficked Web sites, according to Alexa.com, and Facebook rakes in billions of dollars per year from advertisements. But because older people are the majority of those who buy and sell stocks, Facebook isn't doing as well. Old people just don't comprehend how profitable Internet advertising is because they are too busy purchasing adult diapers. They also don't believe Facebook can be sustained, but if Facebook can survive its timeline disaster, it can live through anything.
3. Privacy Settings:
I feel like I discussed this a while ago, but I can't find the Jerks of the Week story link. I don't agree that people should be able to make their settings private. It's not fair to all the stalkers and creepers who want to look at profiles. Zuckerberg is just not being fair to the stalker and creeper community, and it's yet another reason why Facebook sucks.
4. No More E-mail Updates:
I used to get e-mail updates all the time from Facebook. Whenever someone posted on my wall or invited me to an event, I'd receive an e-mail about it. This all changed several months ago. Now, I'm only e-mailed when someone mentions me.
I didn't think this was a big deal until my friends would text me, "Why didn't you RSVP to the event I sent you RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!?!??!!?" If I had seen the invitation, I would have responded.
I was the angry one a few Friday evenings ago. I texted my sister around 7 to see if anyone was going out to Tango, the local bar, that night.
My Sister: Umm... no. I'm not feeling well. But I think everyone's going out to dinner and then laser tag for Mar's birthday. Aren't you going?
Me: Dinner and laser tag? I wasn't told about this!
My Sister: What? You weren't invited? How could you not be invited?
Me: I don't know! Apparently everyone hates me and doesn't want me hanging around with them! I've had it with everyone - no more Mr. Nice Guy!
My Sister: Wait, hold on... Walt, you were invited on Facebook but haven't responded to the invitation.
Me: Oh. Damn it. I hate Facebook.
Because of Facebook's e-mail policy change, I was completely oblivious about Mar's birthday dinner. They went to Outback Steakhouse, so I missed out on a potentially awesome feast. It was one of the saddest moments of my life.
I could have made it out in time for laser tag, but opted not to. I don't know about you, but being blown up by lasers is a pretty scary proposition. Plus, you have to move around and stuff. I'm not a fan of that.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Taco Bell People
I was very frustrated that I couldn't gobble down Outback Steakhouse food that night, so as a fat man, I decided that I absolutely had to find something else yummy to eat for dinner.
I then remembered that it was Spanish Heritage Month. I felt bad that I hadn't been to Taco Bell to commemorate Spanish Heritage Month, so buying some delicious Taco Bell for dinner that night would be, as Emmitt Smith would say, killing two stones with one bird; I'd satisfy my intense hunger, all while paying tribute to the great Mexicans who have made this country a better place.
There was one problem - I didn't have any nacho cheese sauce. What I like to do whenever I purchase Taco Bell tacos is to just get beef and cheese in my soft-shell tacos, foregoing the lettuce, of course, because it's bad for you. I then unwrap them and scoop tons of nacho cheese sauce into them. It's amazing. I urge all of you to try it.
I sprinted to Bottom Dollar - and by sprinting, I mean walked sluggishly because it's the fastest I can go - and when I reached the snack aisle, I was disappointed. I saw salsa dip, but the closest thing I spotted resembling nacho cheese dip was something called "Salsa Con Queso." It was yellow, but was it cheese? How could anyone possibly know this? There was no translation for "Salsa Con Queso" as far as I could see.
This made me very angry. I'm sorry, I know this is America, where everyone speaks Mexican, but I feel like it's my right to live in this country without learning that language. I should be able to thrive as an American while only knowing English. Is that just too much to ask, or should I cave and begin learning Mexican? If so, I have a long way to go because the only Mexican words I know are "amigo," which means guy, "quesadilla" which means quesadilla, and "sayonara," which means goodbye.
I was about to give up. I had the urge to curl up into a ball and cry in the middle of the store, but at the last moment, I saw the following scribbled on the Salsa Con Queso jar: "Made with real cheese!"
Real cheese? Real cheese!? Could this be the nacho cheese dip I was searching for? I wasn't completely sure, but I purchased it anyway. I walked back to my house sluggishly and eagerly opened the jar. I scooped some onto my finger and tasted it. Indeed - I obtained my nacho cheese!
Wasting no time, I drove to Taco Bell. I must have shattered the speed limit by 40 mph, but I didn't care. There were only three hours until Taco Bell closed for the night, so I couldn't waste any time.
As I walked into the Taco Bell, I noticed that there was only one person at the register, which was one person too many. It was a kid of about 12 years old. He was wearing a Baltimore Orioles baseball cap and speaking with a lisp. He sounded like Sylvester from Looney Tunes. I couldn't avoid listening into the conversation he had with the cashier.
Orioles Kid: I detherve a disthcount!
Cashier What kind of discount?
Orioles Kid: Like 40 thenths!
Cashier Why do you deserve a 40-cent discount?
Orioles Kid: Becauth I alwayth buy tacoth here!
Orioles Kid didn't receive his discount. Once he placed his order, it was my turn.
Me: Hi, I'd like four soft-shell beef tacos and one Doritos Locos Taco, and can you make them all plain, please?
Cashier So, just the beef?
Me: No, sorry, cheese.
Cashier Uhh... you want just the cheese?
Me: No, oops, beef and cheese.
Cashier So you want the beef and the cheese too?
Me: Yes, the beef and the cheese.
Cashier Beef and cheese?
Me: Yes. Beef and cheese.
I have no idea why that was so difficult. The next part pissed me off.
Cashier Do you want to donate $1 to world hunger?
This pisses me off. I hate when places ask if you want to donate $1 to stuff. I think it's very selfish. I can't say no, or they'd spit in my delicious tacos. If I said yes, I'd be $1 in the hole, so it's a zero-sum cost.
I don't support world hunger. I think people should be hungry because then they can eat and not be hungry anymore. Imagine if you were never hungry. That would be the worst thing ever.
Me: OK, fine. I'll donate $1.
Cashier No? No!?!?
Me: I said yes!
Cashier Oh, phew, you scared me for a second there.
This guy must have hearing problems. That, or he's just a complete imbecile. Anyway, he gave me a card to fill out so they know who contributed what. For the "name" entry, I wrote "WalterFootball.com." I then handed the card back to him.
Cashier Your name is WalterFootball.com?
Me: That's my Web site.
Cashier But it says name.
Me: Well, I want some publicity out of it. I want everyone to know that I care about world hunger. Plus, I can use it as a deduction.
Yes, I deducted the $1 I gave to world hunger. Can you blame me? Based on how much my Wweb site and other small businesses are taxed every year, I need to take back every penny I can get. So, I will be keeping that 25 cents or so, government, muhahahaha!
When I got home, I realized that I may have sounded like a jerk to the cashier by telling him I was going to use the $1 as a deduction, so I unwrapped each taco and checked for spit. I found none, which means he obviously sympathized with me.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: CVS Patrons
Believe it or not, I made a non-foot-related stop while driving home from Taco Bell. I had to go to CVS to pick up shampoo and eye drops.
I was looking through the aisles when I noticed there were six kids in the store, all about 12-13 years old. Clearly, CVS is the place to be on a Friday evening if you're a tween.
One of the kids stood out because he had a Justin Bieber-style lesbian haircut. He got in line behind me, as he apparently planned to buy a packet of M&Ms. As I was waiting for the butterface cashier to ring up the customer in front of me, I overheard him talking to his Mexican friend.
Mexican Kid: Hey, can I borrow some money?
Lesbian Haircut Kid: I don't have any money!
Mexican Kid: But if you don't have money, how are you going to buy that candy?
Lesbian Haircut Kid: Tsssss, I dunno!
I was suddenly curious. How was he planning to buy M&Ms with no money? Was he going to convince Butterface Cashier to let him have the M&Ms? Or did he have something more sinister planned, like singing a Justin Bieber song to her?
Mexican Kid and the other tweens walked out of the store, save for Lesbian Haircut Kid. It was then my turn in line. I gave Butterface Cashier my items, and then she asked if I had a CVS card. I was conned into getting one a year ago, so I actually had one on me. She swiped the card, but I didn't save any money.
"Wow, I saved no money on that! Awesome!" I said loudly, expecting Butterface Cashier to at last chuckle. Instead, she looked at me quizzically. I don't know why. Maybe she thought I was nuts to expect to save money using that damn thing. Seriously, I don't think I've ever received a discount using that stupid CVS card. Perhaps I saved 60 cents or something on one occasion, but I don't get what the point of that is if it's so ineffective.
At any rate, Butterface Cashier printed out my receipt, and it was the longest thing ever. I need to illustrate this so you know that I'm not exaggerating:
Look at that thing. It's longer than three Game of Thrones books stacked vertically. Way to destroy a freaking rain forest with your ridiculous receipts, CVS.
As I tried to stuff the receipt into my bag, I observed Lesbian Haircut Kid's potentially shady transaction with Butterface Cashier. I was expecting something amusing and/or weird, but to my complete dismay, Lesbian Haircut Kid pulled a couple of dollar bills out of his pocket. Didn't he tell his Mexican friend that he didn't have any money?
I walked out of the store with Lesbian Haircut Kid only a few paces behind me. As I opened my car door, I overheard one final exchange between the two kids.
Mexican Kid: How'd you buy that with no money?
Lesbian Haircut Kid: Tssss! I dunno!
Mexican Kid: Can I have some?
Lesbian Haircut Kid: Nah, I'm gonna save it for later.
Lesbian Haircut Kid, you greedy son of a b***h. How can you not give at least some of the M&Ms to your Mexican friend? It is Spanish Heritage Month, after all.