For those of you who haven't read Jerks of the Week in a while, I got married on May 26. The wedding was great, and part of that included several people coming up to me and saying, "I can't wait to read the Jerks of the Week entry about your wedding!"
So, here we are. I have plenty to write about, but the question was how I would go about doing it. A traditional Jerks of the Week entry made sense, but I wanted this to be special. I thought about it, and I've decided to go with a timeline type of write-up. I did this for the 1-year anniversary of Jerks of the Week when I recounted my college roommate's wedding in a retrospective live blog with timestamps. I thought it would be cool to revisit that format, and it also made the most sense because we had a timeline for how our wedding was structured.
With that in mind, let's begin with the very start of my big day, which commenced at the very crack of dawn at 10 a.m.
10:00 a.m.: The alarm on my phone went off, and I swiped to dismiss it. It was a relief to awaken because I was in the middle of having a nightmare about taking pills to cure some sort of disease. The problem was that I ingested two pills when I was only supposed to take one pill. These pills were what my dog takes for his skin, so I panicked that I swallowed two instead of the prescribed one.
And yes, this is par for the course of dreams I tend to have. When I was a kid, I dreamt that a demon came to me in the middle of the night and told me that 700 divided by two was really 375 and not 350. I had a dream about this demon the following evening; he was in my parents' den, stealing the No. 8 encyclopedia. When I woke up, the No. 8 encyclopedia was gone. Years later, I dreamt that I missed an entire NFL season because I was in a coma, and when I awakened from my coma, the best quarterback in the league was some guy on the Kansas City Chiefs named Derrick Van Oo.
In short, there was nothing unusual about me dreaming of ingesting too many dog skin medicine pills.
10:01 a.m.: I snapped out of my sleepy state and realized something. I was getting married today! Holy balls!
10:02 a.m.: I checked my phone, expecting to see lots of messages from people wishing me luck. I quickly learned that there aren't many individuals who like me because I received just one text. It was from my friend Melissa:
HAPPY WEDDING DAY! Sorry if I woke you.
The text came in at 7:57 a.m., which would've woke me up had I not put my phone on silent. My phone has and always will be on silent when I go to sleep. Now, you may ask, "Walt, what if there's an emergency?" And to that, I say, "So what?" Nothing is more important to me than my beauty sleep, unless, of course, I'm having nightmares about mathematically incompetent demons and quarterback legends named Derrick Van Oo.
10:04 a.m.: While brushing my teeth, I had the sudden urge to drop a deuce, which, again, is par for the course for me as soon as I get up.
10:05 a.m.: AHHHHHH...
10:06 a.m.: Ring ring... my cell phone was going off, and it was my mom. "Hi, Walt! We're outside. Can you give us your bride-to-be's contact lenses?" Ah, crap. Literally. My s**t was going to be interrupted because I forgot that I was supposed to give my then-fiancee's contact lenses to my mom and sister. My then-fiancee spent the night at the hotel so she could get ready early, and she had forgotten her contact lenses, so she instructed me to give them to my mom and sister when they drove up ahead of me.
I tried my best to wipe my anus as quickly as possible, but the liquid poop proved to be very difficult to clean up hastily. Thus, I had to soil my boxer briefs with diarrhea fluid as I rushed downstairs to hand over the contact lenses.
10:08 a.m.: Back on the toilet. AHHHHHH...
10:30 a.m.: I finally finished pooping when I realized that the boxer briefs I washed last night were still in the washing machine. I loaded them in the dryer. You see, my then-fiancee had just two requests of me. I'll get to the second in a bit, but here's the first: "Walt, please wear underwear that don't have holes in them." All of my boxer briefs have holes in them because my washer and/or dryer suck. I've tried new pairs of boxer briefs, but none of them have been comfortable, but I figured I'd wash all the new ones and then decide which pair sucked the least. The things we do for love.
10:35 a.m.: I grabbed a chocolate chip-flavored Pop Tart and a glass of orange juice. I answered some e-mails as I ate the Pop Tart. This would be the only "work" I'd do all day, which I don't think constitutes as work. Thus, May 26, 2018 would mark the first day I didn't actually work since my aforementioned college roommate's wedding in May of 2009.
10:45 a.m.: I had grandiose plans of waking up around 9:30 a.m. and going to the gym to swim a mile, but 9:30 is way too early to wake up. I then considered doing the elliptical for like 15-20 minutes, but that seemed like way too much effort. So, for the slightest bit of exercise, I decided to run up and down the stairs a bunch of times. My goal was making a dozen trips up and down the stairs - there are 16 steps on the flight of stairs connecting the first and second floors of my house - but I was only able to do it six times. I was completely gassed, and I thought if I had gone a seventh time, I would've collapsed and gone into a seizure of some sort.
So much for being in tip-top shape for my wedding day.
10:50 a.m.: Time to go poop again. AHHHHHH!!!
11:10 a.m.: Crap, how is it past 11 a.m. already? I thought. I checked the dryer, pulling out my boxer briefs, only to learn that they were still damp. I tossed them back in for another 20 minutes.
11:12 a.m.: I hopped into the shower, and once I was done, I shaved. By shaved, I mean I fully shaved my face for the first time in more than six years. This is the other thing my then-fiancee requested, and besides, it felt wrong to have awkward stubble on my face on the day of my wedding.
11:30 a.m.: I had just finished shaving when one of my groomsmen, Body Burner, showed up. The plan was to drive over to the hotel with Body Burner, my sister's husband Rich (also a groomsman) and my dad at noon, so I had a half hour remaining to get ready.
11:32 a.m.: After telling Body Burner I still needed some time to get ready, I went upstairs and checked the dryer once more. The boxer briefs were still wet! Why does my dryer suck so much!?
11:34 a.m.: I began packing my overnight bag. This is simple for me, as I have an index card in my suitcase, listing all the items I'll ever need when going on a trip. If you travel at least once per year, I highly recommend you make one for yourself. Not only does it ensure that you don't forget anything, but it also hastens the entire process.
11:54 a.m.: All done packing! It was time to check on my boxer briefs once more. They seemed dry until I tried on the first pair. The crotch was moist! The same thing was true for the second pair. Seriously, what the hell? I had these things in the dryer for an hour, yet they didn't dry. I would've had better success blow drying each of them individually! (Not that I know how a blow dryer works, but you get the point.)
11:56 a.m.: Panicking that I'd have to wear moist underwear on my wedding day, I rummaged through the rest of them and miraculously found a pair that was already inside out. Could it be that the crotch on these happened to be dry? I tried them on, and that was indeed the case! Hooray, I had dry underwear!
11:59 a.m.: I received a call from my dad, informing me that he and Rich were around the corner. I grabbed my suit, bag and house keys, and before I knew it, I was on my way to get married!
12:05 p.m.: I forgot to mention one other person who would be in the car with us. That happened to be my 14-month-old niece Mila (my sister's daughter.) She was in the back with me and Body Burner, and she did not seem very pleased. She soon became crying uncontrollably. I didn't mind it too much, but apparently everyone else disagreed because Rich, who was driving, pulled over to check if Mila needed her diaper changed. She did not. He said that she barely slept the night before, so this was far from a surprise. Still, it didn't change the fact that she was crying.
We were able to remedy this, however, when my dad gave me his phone. The background on his phone featured a picture of his dog, an Akita named Dasha. He told me to show the picture of Dasha to Mila.
"Who's this!?" I asked Mila excitedly. "Dasha? Is this Dasha!?"
Somehow, this worked, and Mila calmed down. Soon enough, she was asleep.
12:15-1:00 p.m.: The rest of the car ride was fun, as we talked some sports for the most part. Once we arrived in Media, the city in which our venue, Tyler Arboretum, was located, I spotted a restaurant called Thunderbird Pizza. This prompted the following conversation:
Me: Whoa, Thunderbird Pizza is a really cool name for a pizza place.
Rich: Thunderbird Pizza is awesome. My buddies and I used to go there when I lived up here.
Me: How can a placed called Thunderbird Pizza not be awesome? Thunderbird is one of the two main bosses of Zelda 2!
*** Crickets ***
Body Burner: There's still time, Walt. You can change your mind and elope with me. We can skip the wedding and go to Thunderbird Pizza together.
1:05 p.m.: We arrived at the hotel a bit after 1 p.m. Rich dropped us off while he parked the car. The hotel lobby was a mess. The place was packed with little girls, all of whom were wearing soccer uniforms. This proved to be annoying very quickly. Not only were they loud, but they also took up lots of our time. It took Rich a while to park the car because there weren't any spots available because of this soccer tournament. Also, as my best man Josh told us later, he had to wait 15 minutes for the elevator because there was an endless cascade of little soccer girls boarding them. My wife and I had the same issue the following day when we were trying to leave.
Me: They should get rid of soccer tournaments for little kids!
Wife: But what if they're good?
Me: Who cares!? They're completely unnecessary, and soccer sucks.
1:20 p.m.: We took the elevator up to the third floor and reached Jimmy's - my then-fiancee's brother - room to get ready. We were told we had 10 minutes until the photographers would arrive, so that was our cue to start drinking and getting dressed.
1:30 p.m.: There was one issue with my suit, and that was that the sleeves were too long. We ordered the suits off TheBlackTux.com, so it's not like I could've gotten it tailored in advance. My then-fiancee said that double-sided tape would do the trick, but it's not like she could've been there to help me out with that. Instead, one of us guys had to do it, which seemed like a lost cause. Jimmy tried his best, and the photographer took countless photos of this valiant effort.
1:50 p.m.: The bridal suite was right down the hall, so some of the women in the wedding popped in and out of Jimmy's room. My mom stopped by and instantly noticed that my pants were too long. She stopped everything and made sure my pants were double-taped as well. I was like a walking roll of Scotch tape at this point.
2:15 p.m.: After some more talking, drinking and BSing, it was finally time to hit the road. We boarded into three separate cars and drove to the venue. I went with Josh, who expressed some concern with his best-man's speech.
Josh: I'm nervous about it.
Me: Why? You'll do fine.
Josh: There might be some offensive stuff in there. Am I allowed to use Russian accents?
Me: I guess so.
Josh: You guess so? Do you think anyone's going to be offended?
Me: Meh. I don't really care if anyone gets offended.
I really don't. I've always said that feelings are for children and losers, and being offended is part of having feelings. If anyone gets offended by anything, they should just quit adulthood and begin playing with Play-Doh or something because they do not deserve to be a functional member of society.
2:30 p.m.: We arrived at Tyler Arboretum, right on time. Our photographer, Gary, told us to wait while he made sure we wouldn't run into the women prior to the first look. Five minutes later, everyone was already sweating their balls off. It was nearing 90, and the humidity was outrageous. At least it wasn't storming!
2:40 p.m.: Gary led us down to a slightly air-conditioned barn, where I had to face the wall to make sure I wouldn't see my bride-to-be prior to our first look. I was practically standing in the corner, facing it, like one of those victims in the Blair Witch Project.
2:45 p.m.: Our wedding planner, Tonia, showed up and pinned some flowers to our suits. She also adjusted our pocket squares to the chagrin of Body Burner, who proudly showed everyone how to put pocket squares into a suit at the hotel. Apparently, this was incorrect; not that I had any idea. I had never worn a pocket square prior to this day.
In fact, I should mention that we didn't even have any ties. Yes, all of the groomsmen and I were given a reprieve from ties, which was an amazing idea by my then-fiancee. I've always maintained that ties are hideous, unnecessary pieces of fabric - partly because putting on one is impossible for me - and she said that if I hated ties, I shouldn't be wearing one on my wedding day. As you can tell, she is awesome, so I apologize, Body Burner, I will not be joining you at Thunderbird Pizza.
3:00 p.m.: Despite the slight traces of air conditioning, the barn was still hot and humid, so it still felt like an eternity just waiting there. However, at 3, it was finally time for the first look, however, so I was led down a path where my then-fiancee was waiting. She was around the corner from some hedges, waiting for me, and I was about to see her when...
"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"
It was my mom.
"Walt, the tape on your pant legs are falling out!!!"
3:02 p.m.: With the tape successfully tucked away, I turned the corner and saw her. She looked absolutely beautiful. We hugged and kissed, and then as soon as we stopped, we heard it.
So much for it not storming on my wedding day.
This is the end of Part 1 of Jerks of My Wedding. Stay tuned next week for Part 2!