My friends come over to my house every Sunday evening to watch Game of Thrones. That was the case this previous Sunday (eight days ago), but I needed to get some shopping done beforehand.
Here are the items I had to buy:
1. Milk and orange juice from Bottom Dollar - These two things are essential for my plan to lose a tenth of a pound each week.
2. Cocoa Pebbles from Bottom Dollar - This is also crucial. I know Fred Flintstone was a fat caveman, but I don't think it was from the Cocoa Pebbles he consumed for breakfast. As we all know, dinosaur meet is very fatty. If he would have gone with Cocoa Pebbles in the morning and then salads for dinner, he would have been as slender as his wife, or better yet, Barney's hot wife.
3. Bacon Bits and Croutons from Bottom Dollar - Balance is key, so it's important to mix in some bad food with healthy stuff. That's why I bought these two items. Both are tasty, regardless of whether they're mixed into salads, but only the bacon bits are healthy, given that they come from pigs. Croutons are just carbs, but I think it's OK if you cancel them out with bacon bits.
4. Salad from Saladworks - My dinner for this evening would be a Caesar Salad. I don't like Saladworks' croutons, so now you see why it was necessary to purchase Item No. 3 on this list.
5. Dove Dark Chocolate from CVS - More on this later.
Luckily, Bottom Dollar, Saladworks and CVS are all extremely close to my house. The former is in the parking lot adjacent to my development, so it's within walking distance. The other places are about a 2-minute drive.
I got into my car around 5 p.m. and began my Sunday shopping adventures...
Saladworks has two awesome deals. First, any salad is $6.99 on weekends. And second, if you obtain a Saladworks rewards card, you can get a free salad after purchasing 17 of them. To give you an idea of how many times I've been to Saladworks over the past year, I now have enough "loyalty" points on my card to redeem a fourth free salad. I told you, a tenth of a pound each week. I'm making great progress.
This was a Sunday, so I was able to buy a $6.99 salad and add points to my card. Basically, there was no reason not to go there for dinner.
I walked into the Saladworks and stood behind two fat ladies in line. The first fat lady was placing her order, while the second one was making notes on a Saladworks menu she picked up. I peered over to see what she was doing, and it was the most confusing thing I had ever seen. She was making all of these lines and diagrams on the menu; it was almost like she was some crazy math or physics professor attempting to solve the world's most complex equation. Here's what it looked like:
This woman was nuts. She continued making notes on the menu, and it's like she didn't know what was happening around her. It was her and her menu. There was nothing else in the world as far as she was concerned.
It was eventually Diagram Woman's turn to order. She looked closely at her drawings and announced what she wanted on her salad. I was prepared to mock her for her salad choice, but what she chose was quite surprising:
"I would like to start off with some lettuce, then eggs, bacon, buffalo chicken, mozzarella cheese and croutons, please."
I was quite impressed, to say the least. Most people in Saladworks put dumb things on their salads like apple chips, craisins and sunflower seeds. Oh, and edameme, according to the menu. Whatever the hell that is. Who do these people think they are? If you want healthy food, go to the health food store. Don't clog up the line at Saladworks, jerks.
Anyway, my only issue with Fat Lady No. 2's salad is that she included eggs. I don't understand how people don't get that eggs are breakfast food and should only be consumed before noon. It's really not that difficult of a concept. I feel like Barack Obama should create a law to get people to stop eating breakfast after noon. I don't see anything else that would be more important.
When it was my turn to order, I told the girl behind the counter that I wanted a Caesar salad, but with no eggs or croutons. As I said this, Fat Lady No. 2 looked at me like I had 10 eyes. I would have explained to her that I was planning on buying superior croutons from Bottom Dollar, but if she was stupid enough to put eggs into her salad, she may not have understood what I was saying.
But enough about Fat Lady No. 2. There are two far-more interesting girls at Saladworks. One happened to be absent that afternoon; she's a cute brunette who, like me, has tons of "loyalty" points on her Saladworks card, but doesn't redeem them because she gets an even better discount as a Saladworks employee. When she told me this, I was immediately jealous. I now want to become a Saladworks employee when I grow up.
I do have one issue with this girl, and that's her salad-making skills. She is pretty terrible at her job. She fills the salad bowl only halfway. I didn't even notice it one of the most recent times I saw her because we were chatting about how busy we both were. She eventually handed the salad to the manager who was there, who stared at it and said, "There's like nothing in here." He shook his head and told me he would give me the salad at half price.
I was worried this girl would get fired for this, but she didn't. And that's good because her salad-making skills have improved by just a bit. Not like it should matter. See, if I were running a restaurant-type business, I would only hire attractive females. Like every single straight guy on this planet, I prefer places with worse service as long as hot chicks are working there.
The other girl is a brunette, and she happened to be working there that Sunday. She's also attractive, though not nearly as much so as the first chick. I happened to see this girl at my new gym recently, so I asked her about it.
Brunette No. 2: Hi, welcome to Saladworks.
Me: Hey, did I see you walking into the gym a few days ago?
Brunette No. 2: Yep.
Me: I thought so. I was going to say hi, but I wasn't sure.
Brunette No. 2: Oh, OK. What kind of salad do you want?
Me: Caesar Salad, but no eggs or croutons. Do you go to that gym often?
Brunette No. 2: I dunno. Dressing mixed in or on the side?
Me: Mixed in because I don't know how to mix. Anyway, I only use the pool. Do you use the pool at all?
Brunette No. 2: I dunno.
Me: Oh, if you haven't, I guess that's why we haven't seen each other there more often.
Brunette No. 2: I dunno. You said no croutons?
Me: Yeah, I plan on buying other croutons.
Brunette No. 2: Oh, OK.
Call me crazy, but I think she was really into me. See how she kept asking me questions about my salad? I'd say she was being too obvious.
And no, I didn't ask her out. There were the obvious reasons - the beautiful Awesome Girl Who Loves Football, Barney Stinson's Platinum Rule - but when it comes down to it, she was simply coming on too strong.
I told you that I'd get to the Dove Dark Chocolate item eventually. Well, I eat one or two pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate every single day. Why? A couple of reasons:
1. They taste good. I even think they're better than the milk chocolate version. When I announced my beliefs to my friends, they looked at me like I was nuts. But being a fat man, I feel like I have supreme authority over this matter.
2. They're healthy. Milk chocolate isn't healthy even though there's milk inside of it, but dark chocolate is very good for you. I've been told that there's something called an "anti-oxygen" in dark chocolate. Sounds like water to me, but I can't taste any water in the dark chocolate. Come to think of it though, you can't really taste water period, so maybe there is water in dark chocolate after all. Now, I'm well aware that this might just be a ruse to get people to eat dark chocolate, but I'll believe anything scientists tell me.
I usually buy two bags of Dove Dark Chocolates at a time. I had one-and-a-half bags prior to three Sundays ago. I opened my fridge the following day, and the half bag was completely empty. My friends consumed approximately 20 pieces of my precious chocolate! I later found crumpled-up wrappers everywhere. There were even some wrappers on my soda bottle caps, almost as if my friends were mocking me by showing that they stole all of the anti-oxygen for themselves. Jerks.
I've taken some precaution since - I hid my remaining bag of Dove Dark Chocolate and placed three pieces in the usual spot in my fridge so my friends wouldn't hunt for the missing bag. I also went to a CVS near my parents' house later that week to buy more bags. Unfortunately, that CVS was all sold out of Dove Dark Chocolate.
That's OK, I thought. I'll just go to the CVS near my house when I do my Sunday shopping!
My plan was thwarted because this particular CVS was also sold out of Dove Dark Chocolates. I drove to the next CVS, and that place didn't have any as well! A CVS employee saw me pacing around in frustration.
CVS Employee: Hey, can I help you find anything?
Me: I need Dove Dark Chocolate!
CVS Employee: I think we're out.
Me: Every CVS is out!!!
I stormed out of the CVS and cried on my way to Bottom Dollar. I was so angry with the world at that moment, and I still pretty much feel the same way. Why does everyone want to steal all of the anti-oxygen away from me!?
I piled the aforementioned Bottom Dollar groceries - including some soda - into my shopping cart and walked to the register. There was only one line open, but that wasn't the worst thing in the world because there only three people there, and they were all together.
The group comprised of a semi-attractive woman in her 40s, an old lady (presumably her mother) and a girl in her early 20s (presumably her daughter). The girl - holy crap - had one of the most amazing a**es I've ever seen. She was wearing these weird blue pants that weren't quite jeans, but they were very tight and made her a** stick out. It was quite amazing.
The trio of women had tons of groceries on the conveyer belt, but I wasn't complaining; I was simply mesmerized as I waited. I barely heard another Bottom Dollar employee motion me over to his register. I unwillingly took my shopping cart there.
I began unloading my groceries when this fat, mustachioed Mexican man got in line behind me. He placed a bottle of Pepsi and a packet of sausages right behind my stuff without using one of those separator bars. The Bottom Dollar employee scanned the Pepsi bottle, thinking it was mine. I had to stop him. He apologized, but the Mexican man was quite agitated.
"Come on mang, dis is my Pepsi," he said angrily to me.
I wanted to say, "Thanks, a**hole, next time use a separator bar," but I was still distracted by the girl with the awesome a**.
The cashier finally told me that my total for everything was $15.94. I handed him a $20 and told him that I had change. See, one of my goals this summer is to get rid of all the pennies in my house, so I carry four around with me at all times so I can unload them. I reached into my pocket and pulled out four pennies so that I'd get a dime in return instead of a nickel and another penny. Makes sense, right? Not to the fat Mexican.
Fat Mexican: Pennies? Come on, mang.
Me: What? I'm trying to get rid of them.
Fat Mexican: Dey jus is pennies, mang.
Me: And I have too many of them! What difference does it make, it took like five seconds for me to take them out of my pocket.
Fat Mexican: I tryin' to be somewheres, mang.
I don't know why this fat douche couldn't wait five extra seconds. I didn't feel like arguing. Taking one final glance at the girl's butt, I grabbed my shopping cart and walked out of the store. I was halfway to my car when I noticed it - there was nothing in my shopping cart! I was so distracted by the girl's a** that I grabbed the wrong cart!
I ran back into the store to retrieve my groceries. The girl with the wonderful a** was still there, as was the fat Mexican, who spotted me.
Me: Whoops, took the wrong cart.
Fat Mexican: Looks like I be leavin' before you mang, and I do not even use any pennies, ha ha ha ha!
Me: I guess so.
Fat Mexican: Next time stop lookin' at da booty, mang, ha ha ha ha!
I was instantly frightened that the girl with the awesome a** would overhear this fat slob, but luckily, she didn't.
Phew. That was quite a relief. I would have felt super terrible if I had to reject another girl that day.