I hate Chinese food. There, I said it. I know this makes me racist, but I don't care. I refuse to eat 99 percent of all Chinese food.
Unfortunately, I was forced into going to a Chinese-Japanese restaurant for my cousin's birthday dinner. I held out hope that I could order a cheeseburger or a chicken parmesan sandwich, but to my chagrin, neither food item was on the menu. A billion Chinese, and they can't come up with some sort of a cheeseburger. Fools.
I perused the menu. All of their supposed entrees looked like they were fabrications. For example, there was a dish called Mai Fun. Obviously named after Mai Fun Day, an awesome holiday. Then there was Bang Bang Ji. Perhaps the name of a Chinese porno? Scrolling down? Ma Po Tau Fu. The Chinese version of Do Re Mi?
I couldn't find anything I recognized until I saw a dish called Mongolian Beef. Now that's a manly meal - the meat of a real live Mongolian. Awesome! However, I didn't want to offend anyone by ordering it. South Park has shown us that Mongolians aren't exactly the nicest people. Fr*** you Mongorian!
I mentioned that I don't eat 99 percent of Chinese food. The one thing I like is General Tsao's Chicken. I could eat that stuff three times a day for the rest of my life. It's incredible, and I don't even care that General Tsao probably killed thousands of people back in the day. In my book, he's a hero.
Anyway, I ordered General Tsao's Chicken as my entree and a glass of Coke as my appetizer. The waiter eventually brought out my Coke and these things that looked like French fries. Now, I'm not a big fan of French fries, but I was pretty thrilled at that moment. Apparently some Chinese physicist magically discovered French fries during one of his experiments!
Unfortunately, they were bad. They didn't taste like potatoes at all, and they were way too hard. Even worse, the red dipping sauce that came with it was disgusting. It didn't even resemble ketchup. I guess that's why China is always pissed off and starting wars - those people over there are jealous that we've invented ketchup and they haven't.
Later, this waitress put out some sort of dish. I have no idea what it was, and because it was so loud in the restaurant, I could barely hear her. But I'm almost positive that she said it was some sort of two-headed dragon. This puzzled me. I'm pretty sure that dragons are an endangered species, so two-headed dragons must be more uncommon, right? I didn't feel right eating this two-headed dragon, so I protested it.
As Emmitt would say, "The camel that broke the straw's back" was when the waiter handed each of us a packet of two Popsicle sticks. The package was pretty thin and it wasn't cold at all, but I figured it was some Chinese voodoo. Unfortunately, when I opened it up, I did not see any Popsicles. Why in the world would they give us two Popsicle sticks if there are no Popsicles? I wanted a damn Popsicle!
I'm beginning to think that the South Park guys had it wrong. Maybe the Mongolians had a good reason for tearing down China's wall. Maybe they just wanted to teach the Chinese how to make a cheeseburger. The next time I see some Mongolians trying to break through a Chinese wall, I may just help them out.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Ces
While we're on the subject of Asia, a friend of mine named Ces is a Filipino who always wears a fedora hat on his head. We discussed this particular story at that awful Chinese restaurant, so I later asked Ces if I could use him as one of my Jerks of the Week. He approved of this and said, "If people think of me as an a**hole, sure, go ahead."
Some background: I met Ces in my fifth year at Penn State. We were both journalism majors, and we had two classes together. At first we got along well, but for some reason, we began bickering constantly. I think it all started when he would study his a** off for one class, yet scored lower on each test than I did even though I didn't put any effort into it. Thank you, cheating tactics!
The bickering turned into fighting, but we still hang out occasionally. Ces always drives down from Allentown to Philly for my parties, though one time he was running late and told his friends, "Ah we can be late. Who cares? It's Walt." He later told me this himself and I laughed. This is what our friendship has become.
And speaking of my parties, Ces always - let me stress, ALWAYS - lists himself as a maybe whenever I send out a party invitation to him. His reason? I quote: "Something better might come along, you never know."
As you can probably tell, Ces has a lot of pent-up anger inside. He's a 5-3 Filipino, yet one night at Penn State, he tried to pick a fight with a muscular 6-4 dude just for accidentally bumping into him. The 6-4 guy even apologized, but Ces wanted to throw down.
For two Halloweens in a row, I dressed up as Ces (the second time was a female version of Ces named Cinco - pictures of this are on Facebook). I'm surprised he didn't cut my throat in my sleep.
At any rate, Ces decided to throw himself a birthday party two years ago. He told me about this and asked me to invite as many women as possible.
Though Ces may not believe me, I asked 15-20 girls, and all but one said no. The one exception must have been drunk or high, because I brought it up the next day and she didn't know what I was talking about.
It was nothing personal here. There aren't many girls who are willing to take a 1-hour drive to go to a Filipino (not that there's anything wrong with that) guy's birthday bash and spend the night there. They only knew him through my parties, so it's not like they were close buddies or anything.
So, I went back to Ces and told him the bad news. He spent about 10 minutes taking out his anger on me. Finally he said, "Ugh, now you have to come. The only reason I invited you was so you could bring some girls."
It takes a lot to offend me, but I was semi-angry. So, my cousin and I decided to eschew his birthday bash and take a trip up to Penn State instead. That was the weekend that we were both date raped. But that's a story for another time.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Elena from India
I was heading for bed one night a few weeks ago, when I received a random message on Gmail chat.
I didn't recognize who it was, but it was some woman from India. See, because I run a Web site, I always get these random e-mails and instant messages from Indian people who want to do link exchanges.
This may not seem like a big deal, but every time I'm on, it's like "Link exchange? Link exchange? Link exchange?" And the thing is, if you do link exchange, they erase your link a week later so they're the only ones who benefit. Damn cunning bastards.
At first I was going to ignore this Indian link-exchange woman (I think she wanted to sell me something as well), but I felt like messing around with her. And so, here is my conversation with Elena from India:
Elena from India: Hi..........
Elena from India: I'm Elena from India
Me: I'm Walt from Philadelphia
Elena from India: Ok, good. I am feeling good from chat with you
Me: Well I'm always glad to make a woman feel good.
Elena from India: I'm selling project management software for office job.
Me: Well I don't need project management software right now, but perhaps I will in the future. If so, I know where to go. You'll be my project management software woman.
Elena from India: Please tell me Google URL
Elena from India: Thanks. Please search epm software.
Me: I found it!
Elena from India: I make project software & sell software product
Me: I created football and I write for it as well. Check out my site: http://walterfootball.com/
Elena from India: You have very pretty site.
Me: And I can see from this IM box that you have a very pretty smile.
Elena from India: As you know seo is very fast internet marketing
Me: It's so fast, it's faster than anyone can imagine.
Elena from India: Seo can raise to your business four times
Me: You're selling yourself short. I think 40 times is more like it.
Elena from India: Not 40, I think you are not getting sir
Me: OK fine 35
Elena from India: Your site can be on top of Google
Me: I am No. 1 in Google
Elena from India: In which keyword top i in google
Me: 2010 NFL Mock Draft - people call me the King of Google.
Elena from India: Very nice
Me: Yes, I know. Minstrels serenade me when I eat and people throw rose petals at my feet.
Elena from India: Indeed you are great
Me: Of course I am. But even someone as great as the King of Google needs sleep. Good night, Miss Elena.
Elena from India: Good night King of Google
These people are so obsessed with link exchanging and getting their Web sites listed higher in Google that if I showed up with a crown and hired some poor Indian people to throw flowers at my feet, they'd elect me as the king of their country. I may just try this someday.