JERK OF THE WEEK: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore over the past two months. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.
Let's quickly recap the Best Buy Trilogy for those of you who haven't read the first two entries. In Part 1, I purchased a new laptop that seemed to work well, except Microsoft Word kept crashing whenever I opened it. I Googled possible solutions and nothing worked, so I took it to Best Buy to let Geek Squad figure it out. Instead of pimply faced virgin nerds to assist me, crackheads with absolutely no clue attempted to solve my problem. They did half the things I tried online, and when that failed, they said they'd call me in a half hour after they fixed the problem. I returned an hour later, and they said they repaired the issue - except that they didn't.
I then left my computer there for what the crackhead employees would be two or three days, or maybe "a week, tops." I didn't hear from them in 10 days, so I went back to Best Buy in Part 2, which I dubbed Confrontation Friday. Another Geek Squad worker told me he remedied the problem. It seemed to work when he showed me, but all of the Office programs still crashed.
I once again tried Googling for a possible solution, but the more I searched, the more frustrated I grew. This old guy named Doug Robbins, who has been named a "community star" and a "World MVP" on some Web site, frequently posted the same message in response to someone's problem with their Office program. He wrote this every single time:
It actually goes on longer, but you get the point. Now, you might be thinking, "Oh, that's nice of that old man. He has a number of solutions for people to try and he's doing a good job of helping out." Except that he's not. I glossed over 20 pages of problems where this Doug Robbins guy tried to help, but the response to his identical message is the same every time:
This Doug Robbins a**hole has never helped anyone, ever. In fact, he hurts more than anything because other people who might be able to assist see his long post and think, "OK, he's got it covered - no need to post my solution."
I was actually beginning to lose all hope after I saw this exchange on another Microsoft Community page:
Wow, thanks for the solution, "support engineer" and "community star." I swear, if I actually posted a real solution on this Microsoft Web site, I bet I could get the Webmaster to dub me "the second coming" and "engineering god."
I was suddenly super stressed out. Was I doomed to suffer the same fate as this TasWake fellow? Would I never get Microsoft Office working on my computer? Would I have another support engineer and community star tell me how to get a refund when I presented my own problem?
I was not about to give up so easily. The following day, I decided that it was time to go to Geek Squad again - but this time I'd call rather than travel to that god-forsaken store. I dialed the number and was shocked to hear a normal-sounding person on the phone. In fact, I was overly confident that he was a pimply faced virgin. This made me so unbelievably happy that I couldn't contain myself.
Pimply Faced Virgin: So, what appears to be the problem?
Me: I BOUGHT THIS COMPUTER AND OFFICE DIDN'T WORK NONE OF IT WORKED I TOOK IT TO BEST BUY AND THEY SAID THEY FIXED IT BUT THEY DIDN'T AND THEN THEY SAID THEY FIXED IT AGAIN BUT I THOUGHT THEY DID AND THEY DIDN'T AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR A REFUND FOR MY COMPUTER!!!
Pimply Faced Virgin: Everything will be fine, sir. Would it be OK if I took control of your computer so I can identify the specific problem?
This guy said "control," "identify" and "specific" - three words the crackhead Geek Squad employees have never heard of before. I was so excited that I nearly forgot to close my porn windows before giving up control to my laptop. I managed to do this at the very last second. Phew.
Pimply Faced Virgin did some poking around and determined that he'd have to re-install Office to completely detect the root of the issue. I warned him that the crackhead Geek Squad people at the Best Buy store did this several times, but to no avail. Pimply Faced Virgin, however, assured me that he'd be able to fix the error if he could reinstall the program. He asked me for the Microsoft Office product key. There was just one problem. When you buy Microsoft Office, they make you scratch off something on the packet so the crackhead store employees don't steal the product codes. I scratched mine a little bit too hard...
Me: Umm... so when I was scratching, I did it too hard, and now I can't see five of the 25 characters in the product key.
Pimply Faced Virgin: Oh, that's not good...
Me: What can I do about this? Would giving you 20 of the 25 characters work? I think this first one is a 6.
Pimply Faced Virgin: Yeah, your best bet is to exchange this Office product for another one by going to your local Best Buy...
I swore never go to that particular Best Buy again after the events of the Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1, but this would be my second time back.
Realizing that I was cursed to travel to that Best Buy every week for the rest of my life, I put on some clothes, grabbed my stuff and drove over to the worst place in the world.
Back at Best Buy...
I was praying that Soulless-Eye Lady took the day off, but I saw my nemesis almost instantly. I described Soulless-Eye Lady in Part 1 as: "She was a fat, black lady with giant hoop earrings and soulless eyes who looked half-asleep."
Soulless-Eye Lady looked as bored and lethargic as ever, but there was something strange about her. It took me a few minutes, but I realized what was different. She was wearing this black ribbon that blended into her hair. It actually looked like there was a black cat living in her hair. I watched it for a while, seeing if it would move, but it didn't. It was either an actual ribbon or a dead black cat. I thought about it, and I came to realize that if a black cat actually died in her hair, she wouldn't have the energy to do anything about it.
There were two couples in front of me - both of whom were Asian. I knew then something was up. Everyone knows that Asians can fix their own computer problems, so what were they doing in the Geek Squad appointment line? Were they plotting to take over this particular Best Buy? Were they scheming to eat the dead cat in Soulless-Eye Lady's hair? If so, I'd help them on both counts.
Soulless-Eye Lady took her time, of course. She spent 20 minutes trying to enter the information that the one Asian couple gave to her. She then summoned the other Asian couple. I overheard the conversation.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Welcome to Best Buy, whachu want?
Asian Guy: Oh, we buy a Hewrett Packard printer at Best Buy and it no a work.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Oh, you gots a printa problem?
Thanks for paying attention to your customer, a**hole. I had the sudden urge to text this hilarious exchange to my friends, but I was suddenly distracted by two people who walked ahead of me in line. They just bought something, so the sales associate who assisted them was apparently going to work with them at another register.
What caught my attention was the conversation these two people had when the sales associate walked away. One of these people was a redheaded, tattooed-up, chubby guy in his 20s who was wearing a red baseball cap backward, which made him 20-percent cooler. The other was his mom, an unbelievably fat monstrosity who was breathing heavily because it apparently was too difficult for her to walk around Best Buy.
Backward Baseball Cap Guy: Yo momz, dis computa gonna be off da hook.
Fat Mom: Ahh ugghhh ahh ugghhh auhh ugggh, does this computer have Facebook?
Backward Baseball Cap Guy: Yee, it gotz Facebook and Twittaz!
Fat Mom: Oh boy, ahh ugghhh ahh ugghhh auhh ugggh, this is gonna be fun to use!
Backward Baseball Cap Guy: Hold up momz, we gotz to get the money back dat Shawn owedz us. He owedz us like 40 dollaz.
Fat Mom: Ahh ugghhh ahh ugghhh auhh ugggh, actually, $39.95, but let's round it up to $40 so we can have that five extra cent, ahh ugghhh ahh ugghhh auhh ugggh.
This was so ridiculous. I was worried this woman was going to collapse of a heart attack any second. She couldn't even say a whole sentence without gasping for air. And what's with this stealing five cents bit? I guess every penny counts when you spend all the money you have on doughnuts and Cheetos.
I was so distracted by all of this that I didn't notice that Soulless-Eye Lady finished up with the second Asian couple. She summoned me over.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Welcome to Best Buy, whachu want?
Me: I bought this Microsoft Office with my computer. I need to reinstall it, but I can't read five of the characters. I was wondering if you could tell me what those characters were or if you could give me a new product key.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Oh, you gots a Windas or Office problem?
Me: Yeah, that's what I just said. Office.
Soulless-Eye Lady said she'd check for a possible solution in the back. She waddled away and came back a few minutes later.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Sir, we cannot help you wit dis.
Me: What? Why not?
Soulless-Eye Lady: Sir, we usually accept it if it happen two or tree day after you buy dis, but you bought it two month ago.
Me: I called Geek Squad, and they told me you'd be able to replace it!
Soulless-Eye Lady: Oh, Geek Squads say dis?
Me: Yeah, that's what I just said.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Lemme get da managa, she be able to heps you out.
As I waited, I noticed this chick walking back and forth behind the counter. She had blond hair with these weird green streaks in it, but they didn't look half-bad. She also wore tight black pants. She was slightly overweight and had a thuggish accent, but was still bangable.
What really caught my attention was that she constantly kept talking to herself. She opened up this box and exclaimed, "Look wha I founded!" She also kept muttering "mmhmm" to herself. Strange. But still banagable.
It took Soulless-Eye Lady about five minutes to return with the manager. The manager was an average-looking, blond-haired woman in her 40s. She gave me the same spiel about not normally giving out a new product code more than a few days after the original purchase, but being a normal human being - or so I thought - she relented and went to retrieve another Microsoft Office packet for me.
As I waited, Soulless-Eye Lady helped out another customer - an equally sleepy-eyed Mexican man in his 50s. Their conversation was highly amusing.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Welcome to Best Buy, whachu want?
Sleepy Mexican: No turn on.
Soulless-Eye Lady: What don't turn on?
Sleepy Mexican: Com...computa.
Soulless-Eye Lady: Oh, you gots a computa problem?
Sleepy Mexican: Computa no turn on...
Soulless-Eye Lady: Where dis computa?
Sleepy Mexican: I no bring...
Soulless-Eye Lady: What happen when you try turn dis computa on?
Sleepy Mexican: No turn on.
Soulless-Eye Lady: When you buy dis computa?
Sleepy Mexican: I forget...
Soulless-Eye Lady: Do you gots a reeceet?
Sleepy Mexican: No bring receipt.
Soulless-Eye Lady: You buy dis computa at Best Buy?
Sleepy Mexican: I forget where buy...
It was the ultimate battle of lethargy. Soulless-Eye Lady didn't want to do her job, so she wasn't asking any sort of productive questions, while Sleepy Mexican didn't seem interested in answering any of them. I have no idea what he was doing there if he didn't have a computer, receipt or any relevant information to give to Geek Squad. He would've been more useful just staying home and napping.
The manager came back with a new Microsoft Office packet. She joked, "Be careful scratching the bar off this one!" and began entering my information.
Manager: What's your phone number?
Me: It's 215-9...
Manager: I miss you too.
Me: Wait, what?
Manager: I miss you too, Jimmy.
Me: I'm not Jimmy. I'm Walter.
Manager: I'll see you soon, Jimmy.
Me: What's going on here?
Manager: Oh, sorry, I was talking to Jimmy.
OK, so there was no guy around her. She was not on the phone. She didn't have any sort of Bluetooth thing in her ear. She was apparently having a conversation with an imaginary person named Jimmy.
I gave her my phone number. She then asked for my e-mail.
Me: It's wpc112...
Manager: Can't wait to see you, Jimmy.
The f*** was going on here? It only got weirder when the aforementioned bangable girl walked by.
Manager: Jimmy said he's coming in soon.
Bangable Girl: Oh dat's coo.
Manager: Maybe we'll all hit the bar together.
Bangable Girl: Mmmhmm!
Oh, I get it. This Best Buy has transformed into an insane asylum. Half the people are complete lunatics, while the other half are crack addicts.
And as for the customers? Well, I keep going back, so I must also be nuts.
Before contacting Pimply Faced Virgin again, I decided to uninstall and reinstall Office again to save him the hassle. I did this and opened up Word, expecting it to crash. It didn't. Excel didn't crash either. Everything worked! Huzzah!
Words can't describe how happy I was. The prospect of never having to deal with Soulless-Eye Lady made me cry tears of joy. If only the cat that once lived on her head was as fortunate.